I don't even know how to begin this so I'm just going to be frank about it.
Kurt and I did not wait until marriage. We did not wait for each other either. Do I regret that? Everyday. Every time we would have sex, afterwards I felt so guilty, like I was worthless and was such a terrible person. I was saved when I was 14 but lately I hadn't been living for God. Everyday was a struggle.
About a month ago I had told Kurt that I didn't want our relationship to be sexual until we were married. I told him what had been going on with me and why I didn't want our relationship to be that way. He agreed and I thought that was the end of it. But anytime we were alone or out late, Kurt would start doing things and it would lead to sex sometimes. The other times when it didn't lead to sex, Kurt would get so mad at me. That bothers me.
So last night, we were both laying on the couch together. The way I was laying, there is no possibly way he could see my face. I had dosed off but woke up when I heard him talking. He was asking me if I was awake. I told him yes. Then, I dosed off again. This time, I woke up to him having his hand down my pants touching me. When I moved, he stopped. It's like he knew I wouldn't let him do that if I was awake, so he waited until I was asleep. That bothers me too. I told him not to do that and all he said was, "Sorry" halfheartedly.
Anytime I tell him that I can't wait for us to be married, his response is generally "I can't either. That way we can have sex every night."
I understand that he is a guy and maybe a celibate relationship is hard on him, but his actions last night were uncalled for. How do I even handle that?
I don't know where to go from here. I know that his actions now only show what our future is going to be like. I don't want it to be like that.