Huge problem!

christineashley

Well, I have 6 BM's all together, 2 are MOH and 4 are BM's. One of the BM's is a family member, lets call her "Sarah". Sarah is 20 years old and was living at home with her parents. She lately has been having a lot of issues with them. She has gotten kicked out of her house several times for some family issues. She hangs out with the wrong crowds, quit school and is extremely irresponsible when it comes to holding down a job. She can never hold down a job for more than a few weeks. She will just stop showing up or quit. She has this boyfriend now for a few months who is bad news. He doesn't work, doesn't go to school and still lives with his mother and they are moving into a bad city in NY (which I don't have problems with because I live at home with my parents and so does my FI but for her current situation, him living at home is not good) Recently, she has gotten herself into a big problem. She was kicked out of her house again over Thanksgiving for being disrespectful and insluting my 75 year old grandmother for the 3rd time. A day or so after thanksgiving she has told her parent she is now pregnant. She has moved in with this kid and his mother in the bad city in NY and was fired from her job. 

Unfortunately, I am kicking her out of the bridal party. I understand it is rude and whatnot but she cannot afford it with a baby coming and no stable job. I am no one to say who can and cannot afford something but I know her VERY well and I know for a fact that she will not be able to handle this and a kid. Now I am stuck trying to find someone to fill that spot. I am not the type of person who wants an uneven number of people in the bridal party (I am anal in the sense that I like even numbers, its just one of those ideosynchracies) and I have a few people in mind but those people know I have chosen a bridal party. How can I approach this without them feeling like they are just a runner up or second best? I never imagined I would have to do this but now I am in this situation and am not sure how to handle.

Thanks for reading this, I know it's kind of long and dramatic but I know I can come to you ladies without being judged. 

ChristineM1020

I'm sorry this is happening right now. It is a very sad thing when you cannot help someone and you just watch them go in the wrong direction.

I'm going through a similar BM issue just recently where I debated if we were even going to be friends or not. We worked it out but I also thought about replacing her (if i was going to) and not wanting someone to feel second best. Maybe dont kick her out just yet? She may ask to drop out later on due to the financial situation. In that case, I would start looking for someone to add in and you can account it as you really wanted this person to be in. She can be a buffer if this BM drops out. If not, you have un even numbers, yes but you will most likely not face this problem since she more than likely will end up leaving on her own.

kmariejohnson

Are the other people you already have in mind friends or other family members? If they are friends of yours you could always just say that you felt obligated to pick "Sarah" over them due to the fact that she was a family member, but you had always had them in mind. I'm sure if these other people are close enough to you for you to want them in your wedding party then they will understand. I mean it's not like you can have an unlimited amount of people in your wedding party and stuff happens.. right?

I think you should just pick one and ask in a super thoughtful/sweet way. Then once they answer (which will be a yes, followed by "what happened to the other person"?) Just explain the situation and tell them what I told you to say above...

lls31

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation and I hope everything works out for "Sarah."

I agree with ChristineM (although kmarie has good points as well).  If you think "Sarah" will drop out of your wedding party regardless, ask another friend to be a bridesmaid.  Then wait it out a little while with "Sarah" and let her drop out on her own.  It may sound a little bit sneaky, but I think you would avoid any hurt feelings this way.

Good luck!

kantonik

Definately a tough situation to be in, especially with family. I agree with PP's, maybe give her some time and see if she drops out first. Does the friend your wanting to ask, know that "Sarah" is in the wedding party, or that you are kicking her out?

When FI and I originally picked out BP, we had 3 on each side (mainly family). Later on, we decided that there were other friends we would absolutely love to have in, so we added two more, making 5 on each side. When I asked one of my friends, I got the question "I thought you already had your wedding party set?" and I answered it with, "when we originally picked we were just thinking family, and didn't really sit down and THINK about it, but after thinking about it, we decided we couldn't get married without our closest friends standing up there with us too"... <-- you can use this as a little help so the person you ask doesn't feel like a second choice

christineashley

It is definitely hard to watch someone you love go down a road to self destruction. We have tried every possible thing to try to get her on the right track. My mom even offered her to come live with us for a while to help her get on her feet. She decided she wanted to stay living with this kid and his mom. Unfortunately she will not think about dropping out. She would let life go on as though it was normal. This is a 20 year old girl with the mentality of a 14 year old. She has gone as far as to delete me from facebook and block me from sending her messages. (Along with everyone else in my family exept for my mom) This is my first cousin so it does hurt that she would do that to me. She has no cell phone so I can't even call her. I have to figure out how to get ahold of her and then I have to word it to her in a way that doesn't sound mean. I do like your suggestions about how to ask someone else. Yes, the people I have in mind are friends and they do know all my female relatives are in my BP. I may use Kantonik's line. Thanks girls!

AlmostMrsStrong

If she has blocked you from FB, it sounds like she is making her decision. However, if you have her number, call her up and try talking to her before you make a decision. It may crush her to find herself suddenly ousted from your wedding.