Mother threatening not to show - should I cave?

Kittuirrel

I am so glad this board exists!  I've been keeping this to myself and stressin'.  I really didn't anticipate drama around my wedding - my fiance and I are pretty chill.  My mother, on the other hand, can get a little out of hand (oh, don't they all).  Here's the deal.

We decided to get hitched in Iowa, despite living in Texas, for two reasons - first, both of our extended families live in the Midwest and will have a much easier time making it.  Second, his grandmother (who I consider my only grandparent) lives in a nursing home there and I would really like it if she could attend.  She's not doing so hot, and I'm sorta praying she'll be alright for the next year and a half.  I really, really want to see her there.

Since the wedding is in November, right near the end of a semester, and out of state I thought it would be a good idea to let my mum know I was considering it.  I tried to explain that it was closer to 90% of the family on both sides, but she completely flipped.  She told me my side wouldn't come, because they didn't even travel to her wedding, so I shouldn't expect anyone to sit on my side of the ceremony.  I want to ask them personally, but I need to be certain of the plans before I do, so I'm just sort of...sitting here sad until we make sure it's possible and can ask them.  I didn't think they'd be like that, but she grew up with them, and I've only seen them a few times in my life...

Then she went a step further and said if I was having the wedding up north she wasn't coming.  I swear, I thought she was joking.  She wasn't.  I'm sort of guessing she'll change her mind later, but I've never been hurt so much in my life - not since I called to let her know he proposed and she asked "are you sure?"

I didn't want drama.  My heart is broken that she's honestly suggesting that neither she nor her family feel strongly enough to travel to my wedding - even though I offered to pay to get them there.  Is this really my fault?  Should I give up Iowa, where he and I have been spending our Christmastimes, that has so many memories for me of my life with him so far, to get married closer to her?  No one else in my family has made an issue out of it.  I have been receiving a lot of pressure from my future mother-in-law though regarding the timing of the wedding - she thinks we should have it during a break so our professor relatives can make it easier.  I am trying to be considerate - by letting people know ahead of time.  I mean, how do people having destination weddings do it?  The people I really want to be there are some in Iowa and some in Houston - I have no CLUE what's the polite thing to choose to get the ones I care about to show up.  I DO know, however, that his grandmother can't travel.  So isn't this a decent choice?  The one fellow who made me feel alright about my decision was a friend of his family who's a prof and said "ah, I'll adjust my schedule, good thing you told me now!"  See, that's sweet.

I don't want to have a wedding here.  I know that all that's important is that we're both there - but there are a lot of nasty memories here.  Iowa is what I want our life, our future, to be like.  I also know that having an out-of-state wedding is extra work, and will cut down my guest list quite a bit.  I don't need to have zillions of people at my wedding - but there were definitely certain people I had really hoped would share that day with me.  I mean...my mom?

Do I really have to pick between getting married and having a wedding?  Should I cave, or let her stew?  Is this for the guests or us, and is it more important to satisfy specific guests or the highest number of them? 

knorris35

Your wedding should be about you and your future husband.  Yes, everyone wants their families to also be on board and be happy, but you will find out soon enough that no matter what you do someone will be unhappy.  Make your plans, let family know inadvance and those that want to share in the day will be there with bells on.  Perhaps you can invite your mother to a brunch and let her know that you love her and would want her there . . . Good Luck

sss937

I second that. It's about you and your FI. Yes it's fantastic when you can share these special times with your family and friends, but if they can't/won't be there it will still be a special day. 

I also have lots of family drama and after a while you have to put your foot down and understand that you've made as many reasonable concessions as you could. Understand that you have done your best and if people are going to throw tantrums because they are not getting their way it's just too bad for them. In the end it would be them missing out on your day. Something that I think any mother would regret. 

Butter Cookie

Unfortunately you won't be able to please everyone, so at the end of the day you need to listen to what you and your fiance want, and then take into consideration what the people helping fund the wedding want. Is your Mom helping pay for the wedding? If so you might want to sit down with her and lay out exactly why you want to get married out of state. Actually, she's your Mom, so you might want to do that anyway.

Kittuirrel

Thanks everyone!  She's not contributing financially, but I do still intend to sit down with her later and work this out.  I would really like her to be there, but there truly is a limit to what I can do.  I think it really helped just to write it down and get a little support!    Thank you! 

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mother-threatening-not-show-should-cave?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:070da0f8-0df7-49a6-9d7c-4342a02ce8e4Post:ebfa14da-a08c-4acb-9bb7-56053275c30c">Mother threatening not to show - should I cave?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so glad this board exists!  I've been keeping this to myself and stressin'.  I really didn't anticipate drama around my wedding - my fiance and I are pretty chill.  My mother, on the other hand, can get a little out of hand (oh, don't they all).  Here's the deal. We decided to get hitched in Iowa, despite living in Texas, for two reasons - first, both of our extended families live in the Midwest and will have a much easier time making it.  Second, his grandmother (who I consider my only grandparent) lives in a nursing home there and I would really like it if she could attend.  She's not doing so hot, and I'm sorta praying she'll be alright for the next year and a half.  I really, really want to see her there. Since the wedding is in November, right near the end of a semester, and out of state I thought it would be a good idea to let my mum know I was considering it.  I tried to explain that it was closer to 90% of the family on both sides, but she completely flipped.  She told me my side wouldn't come, because they didn't even travel to her wedding, so I shouldn't expect anyone to sit on my side of the ceremony.  I want to ask them personally, but I need to be certain of the plans before I do, so I'm just sort of...sitting here sad until we make sure it's possible and can ask them.  I didn't think they'd be like that, but she grew up with them, and I've only seen them a few times in my life... Then she went a step further and said if I was having the wedding up north she wasn't coming.  I swear, I thought she was joking.  She wasn't.  I'm sort of guessing she'll change her mind later, but I've never been hurt so much in my life - not since I called to let her know he proposed and she asked "are you sure?" I didn't want drama.  My heart is broken that she's honestly suggesting that neither she nor her family feel strongly enough to travel to my wedding - even though I offered to pay to get them there.  Is this really my fault?  Should I give up Iowa, where he and I have been spending our Christmastimes, that has so many memories for me of my life with him so far, to get married closer to her?  No one else in my family has made an issue out of it.  I have been receiving a lot of pressure from my future mother-in-law though regarding the timing of the wedding - she thinks we should have it during a break so our professor relatives can make it easier.  I am trying to be considerate - by letting people know ahead of time.  I mean, how do people having destination weddings do it?  The people I really want to be there are some in Iowa and some in Houston - I have no CLUE what's the polite thing to choose to get the ones I care about to show up.  I DO know, however, that his grandmother can't travel.  So isn't this a decent choice?  The one fellow who made me feel alright about my decision was a friend of his family who's a prof and said "ah, I'll adjust my schedule, good thing you told me now!"  See, that's sweet. I don't want to have a wedding here.  I know that all that's important is that we're both there - but there are a lot of nasty memories here.  Iowa is what I want our life, our future, to be like.  I also know that having an out-of-state wedding is extra work, and will cut down my guest list quite a bit.  I don't need to have zillions of people at my wedding - but there were definitely certain people I had really hoped would share that day with me. <strong> I mean...my mom? Do I really have to pick between getting married and having a wedding?  Should I cave, or let her stew?  Is this for the guests or us, and is it more important to satisfy specific guests or the highest number of them? </strong>
Posted by Kittuirrel[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks for the paragraphs, but that's still just a huge wall of rambling text. </div><div>
</div><div>I'll help you out here: </div><div>
</div><div>"My FI and I live in Houston, but have decided to get married in Iowa in Nov 2011 for various reasons. My mom is unhappy about this and is threatening not to come due to travel. Much of the family will have to travel to be there, and we are concerned that other people may not make the trip. We also have family members that are teachers and may not be able to make it due to timing. Grandma is in an IA nursing home, is not doing so well, and we think that she's more likely to make it since there will not be travel. We are now second guessing our decision, and would like some input."</div><div>
</div><div>hers's my assistance:</div><div>1) if you are paying for your wedding 100%, you and your FI need to plan the wedding that you want to have, when you want to have it, and stop worrying about what your potential guests want. if they can make it where/when you plan, great, and if not, then it is too bad and you will see them another time.</div><div>2) i'm assuming that since you feel like you are mature enough to get married that you consider yourself an adult. adults do not let other adults (parents included) run their lives. this is the conversation that you need to have with your mom:</div><div>"mom, FI and I have decided to have a Nov 2011 wedding in IA"</div><div>"you can't do that, i won't come! nobody will come! blah bla blah!"</div><div>"I'm sorry you feel that way mom, but that is our decision. i hope that you will change your mind about coming, but if not, we will miss having you there" </div><div>***END OF DISCUSSION***</div><div>3) Grandma is in a nursing home, not doing well, and the wedding is 16 months away? Hopefully her health does not decline further and she doesn't pass away in that time, but realistically, you don't know what's going to happen or even if she would be well/alive enough to come to a local wedding. Don't plan an IA wedding just for this reason - you may end up really disappointed. </div><div>4) in terms of attendance, don't start offering to pay for people to come and don't start trying to plan the wedding to suit their needs. nobody will be satisfied with this result. </div><div>5) A Nov wedding may not get as many guests willing/able to travel as one held at another time of year. You're got kids in school and are starting to get close to the holidays. People may not have the extra cash or vacation time to travel especially if they normally visit family over Thanksgiving/Christmas/etc. </div><div>
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Kittuirrel

Balls would be useful, yes.  I'll do my best.    Sorry for the rambling hon, thanks for reading.

She's in the nursing home and not doing so hot because she has Alzheimer's.  As such, it's gonna be pretty much impossible to tell when things will turn south, or you know, if she'll know who we are when we get hitched.  Could be tomorrow, could be years.  We've discussed that, and we're not changing the wedding plans if something happens with her health.  We want Iowa and we want November, no matter what.  Yes, I realize I should say exactly that, ha.

#4 is a point I should really take seriously.  My instinct is to tell everyone I care about that I'll find a way to get them up there...but with zero money in the bank, it may be carpool or bust.  We'll figure it out, though.  There's time.  #5 is the reason I want to tell them all I'll find a way to take care of it. 

Lisa8888

You can get married anywhere you want however I really don't think you are being rational.

Both of your immediate families live in TX. No one has a destination wedding in Iowa. That is not an exciting place to go. Regardless of your memories of Iowa, none of your guests live there but his grandmother.

You have to be realistic about his grandmother. Based on her medical state, it makes no sense to plan a wedding around her. In all likelihood, she will not be able to attend.

When you select a location, you have to consider what location will be the most convenient for the majority of your guests. And that is TX.

I think your mother is correct in that your family isn't going to travel to Iowa. She is trying to set your straight.

If you want to insist on Iowa, be prepared for few guests to make the trip.

Belle2Be

My mom has told me the same thing, and when I ask my dad the only thing I get is we'll see. It's heartbreaking, but it is their burdon to bear, not mine. It sucks, and it hurts, but sometimes people are selfish, even when they are our parents.

quotequeen

We want Iowa and we want November, no matter what.

If it's really no matter what, then tell your mom that you're sorry she feels that way, but you've made your decision and you love her and hope to see her there.  Just keep repeating that.