the dreaded budget talk

larzhope04

I just posted this on the Detroit board, but would like my fellow Seattle knotties to weigh in as well....

Hey ladies,

as FI and I are beginning to think about putting some deposits down to secure ourselves a wedding date, we are finding ourselves in a little bit of a dilemma.

My parents have graciously offered to pay for our entire wedding (they said they will set a budget).  I have no issues with asking my parents their budget and working from that - we are extremely open about money.

FI's parents on the other hand, do not ever talk about money.  They don't know that my parents have offered to pay for everything (our families live 5 hours apart and have never met - we live 2000 miles from either of our parents). 

Should we just assume his parents aren't going to contribute anything and let my parents pay? or should we ask his parents if they plan to contribute?  If you think we should ask, any pointers are having that conversation?

melissa82

Don't bring it up. If they do offer, it will be a nice surprise. If not, you won't be counting on it anyway.

carrieoz_76

Ditto Melissa.  If his parents ask who's paying or anything else about budget, you can tell them, but you shouldn't ask them for money.  

There aren't any rules anymore saying that parents have to pay for anything in particular, so if they want to pay, they'll offer.  If they don't offer, then you're on your own.  Count yourself lucky that your parents offered, and trust me - you WILL find a use for any money they give you down the road, even if you didn't plan on getting it.

sarack

i agree with Melissa too. Just plan your wedding according to what your parents have offered. If you get something extra, its something extra.

fancynewbecca

Sticky situation! My parents also offered right away to contribute a significant amount of money to our wedding, enough to pay for it. I tried to get a sense from FI about how his mom would feel about contributing. He actually asked if she could help us but he left it open to any type of help, not just money... and she wasn't offended. She had purchased a savings bond for him to use on something important (like a wedding) and he didn't know about it, so it was a nice surprise.

I have to admit, there was a little pressure form my parents because they felt like if they were contibuting it would be fair for his mom to contribute also.

However, I would agree with PP. Don't ask for an amount. Maybe you could ask them if they'd be interested in helping and if so, how?

Tygirljojo

Ditto Melissa.  I wouldn't bring it up unless they do. 

larzhope04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_washington-seattle_dreaded-budget-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:104Discussion:767054a4-f3f5-4bb8-99c9-8e070a87e09ePost:2ed9336b-d949-4d93-aa84-04f561042a36">Re: the dreaded budget talk</a>:
[QUOTE]Sticky situation! My parents also offered right away to contribute a significant amount of money to our wedding, enough to pay for it. I tried to get a sense from FI about how his mom would feel about contributing. He actually asked if she could help us but he left it open to any type of help, not just money... and she wasn't offended. She had purchased a savings bond for him to use on something important (like a wedding) and he didn't know about it, so it was a nice surprise.<strong> I have to admit, there was a little pressure form my parents because they felt like if they were contibuting it would be fair for his mom to contribute also.</strong> However, I would agree with PP. Don't ask for an amount. Maybe you could ask them if they'd be interested in helping and if so, how?
Posted by fancynewbecca[/QUOTE]

This is what I'm concerned about, unfortunately.  FI and I are more than capable and happy to pay for things ourselves, I just worry my mom make little snide remarks about how his parents didn't contribute.  I've already discussed his mother making my veil so I know that she will be helping out in that regard, so I'm very happy about that.

Thanks for the advice ladies, I know FI doesn't feel comfortable asking and I definitely don't so we will just see if they offer.  If not, oh well :)

Tygirljojo

Not trying to sound snarky, but I would hope that your parents understand every family is in a different situation financially.  I think it's fantastic that your parents are paying for the wedding and wish FI and I were fortunate enough to have such help.  We budgeted and planned as if we were paying ourselves knowing fully well that neither of our familes have much money and are unable to contribute.  My mom ended up giving us a sizeable amount of money a few weeks ago, FMIL ended up giving us a little bit to help with the RD and it sounds like FFIL and FstepMIL are planning to give us something for our HM.  We've tried to turn them all down knowing they don't have much, but they all want to, so we've accepted.  We're very appreciative of what help we've received thus far and know that they are offering what they can.  I'll keep my fingers crossed that you'll be pleasantly surprised by your FIL's closer to the wedding with an offer of something, but just move forward without expecting anything.

carrieoz_76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_washington-seattle_dreaded-budget-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:104Discussion:767054a4-f3f5-4bb8-99c9-8e070a87e09ePost:7814752e-2c83-42f7-b009-14d433c4b1a7">Re: the dreaded budget talk</a>:
[QUOTE]FI and I are more than capable and happy to pay for things ourselves, I just worry my mom make little snide remarks about how his parents didn't contribute.
Posted by larzhope04[/QUOTE]
I understand being worried about this, but you and your FI need to be firm on the fact that just because your parents may contribute doesn't mean anything about his parents, and maybe more importantly that just because your parents may be contributing that doesn't mean they're entitled to know anything about what his parents are or aren't doing.  It's not a competition, so don't give in to their urge to make it one.<div>
</div><div>You can use the "bean dip" method to keep being as vague as you want, refuse to answer any specific questions, then change the subject, like this:</div><div>
</div><div>Mom:  So, are FI's parents also paying for anything?</div><div>lazr:  You know, they've been amazingly supportive of us, and I feel really lucky that they'll be my in-laws.  How do you like this bean dip?</div><div>
</div><div>Rinse, repeat.</div>

Tygirljojo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_washington-seattle_dreaded-budget-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:104Discussion:767054a4-f3f5-4bb8-99c9-8e070a87e09ePost:8560012c-a508-41ed-8016-086b3d6a1c4d">Re: the dreaded budget talk</a>:
[QUOTE]You know, they've been amazingly supportive of us, and I feel really lucky that they'll be my in-laws.  How do you like this bean dip? Rinse, repeat.
Posted by carrieoz_76[/QUOTE]

Lol, nice!

mgoss228

I agree with the posts above, but wanted to add something.  If your FILs end up not contributing financially to the wedding or RD, you won't have to say yes to inviting 5 (or whatever number) of FMILs random friends that barely know FI.  ***sorry for the passive aggressive, snark remark on my own situation***

larzhope04

LOL to all of your remarks esp about the bean dip!

managing my mother will be an interesting task... she is totally snarky and judgmental so it makes it tough. 

Honestly FIL's would be satisfied with a backyard reception - they have no big stipulations on our wedding. 

Reigning in my mother (aka momzilla) with her lavish tastes and crazy guest list will be more of the challenge. 

I'm 100% in that my parents will pull out their funds only because my mom is a little bit of a control freak and I think deep down she'd rather spend the money to have a reception to her more lavish tastes than let FI and I plan and pick something that is not up to her standards and would make her look bad in front of her relatives.

Also, FI currently only has about 30 people on the guest list whereas my side has 200... so FMIL can invite whoever she wants if they are willing to drive the 5 hrs to the wedding... haha