EEK! Meeting with the Pastor today... advice please!

angstocker22

I am getting a little nervous about meeting FMIL Pastor today. She highly recommended him & would love for him to be the one to marry us.

FI & I were both raised christian, but neither have been to church since grade school.

FMIL said that it was okay if we decided to or not to do the pre-marital counseling. I talked to FI about it and he said he is not comfortable doing the counseling at all. I told him I would be okay with it if we went thru someone (non-religious) non-judgemental. I just feel like he is going to judge us & it will just turn out to be a negative experience. And I really don't want that to happen. Because 1. it will probably be free to have him marry us & 2. I don't want to disappoint FMIL.

I went online & search for questions I should ask him. But what are some of the questions he will ask us? Again, this is the first time meeting him.

Did you meet with a Pastor (or alike) & go with someone non-religious? If so, why? Was it too uncomfortable.

I just don't want to be pressured into feeling like I have done something wrong, or going about something all wrong or being judged!

Thanks!!

carrieoz_76

The questions we asked our officiant are under Questions for Vendors in my bio.  I think you should focus on what matters about the ceremony to you and your FI and discuss those things with this Pastor, and anyone else you talk to.  If this is the right person, you'll know.  If not, you'll find someone else.

We're not religious, we wanted someone who had experience with different types of spirituality, and someone who could preside over some specific Hawaiian rituals for us, so those are the things we discussed with the folks we talked to.

KST_

First of all, why do you think the Pastor is going to judge you/be horrid? I'm guessing you had a bad experience when you went as a kid? The job of a pastor is NOT to judge, but to offer guidance and help.

I wouldn't mind going to pre-marital counseling if I knew where to go. (We don't go to church at all either.) It really depends on the church/pastor/denomination what they include. Some will be happy to provide counseling of a non-religious nature as well. A lot of it is bringing up things that a lot of us don't think to talk about beforehand, such as questions about wants, desires, and needs for the relationship, children, homelife, balancing work, finances, etc.It provides a supportive environment to get these things talked about and maybe bring up things neither of you even thought to talk about.

Questions he'll probably ask you are mostly about you and your relationship.

angstocker22

Actually, I don't know why I think that to be honest. FI & I talked about it and we thought he'd be all like "you shouldn't be living together, in sin, no xx till the wedding, blah blah blah" I guess I just figured it would be that way & so did FI.

hmmm, I was just thinking. I think the reason I thought that was because FMIL is WAY old fashion! WAY! She thought the world was coming to a freaking end when FI & I moved in with each other! lol

I will tell FI this "The job of a pastor is NOT to judge, but to offer guidance and help." That might help us calm down a little.

I personally would like to go to a non religious counseling to talk about those very questions. And I could convince FI if we needed to. I just feel like if it is with a Pastor or another religous person, it's going to be more "shame on you" type stuff? I guess I am wrong? (Well I hope I am!) lol

carrieoz_76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_washington-seattle_eek-meeting-pastor-today-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:104Discussion:90c56203-3c8b-431e-b452-5614d28052adPost:ad481cf3-c3d2-479a-91af-60dcbe3fd85a">Re: EEK! Meeting with the Pastor today... advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]) I personally would like to go to a non religious counseling to talk about those very questions. And I could convince FI if we needed to. I just feel like if it is with a Pastor or another religous person, it's going to be more "shame on you" type stuff? I guess I am wrong? (Well I hope I am!) lol
Posted by angstocker22[/QUOTE]
It depends on what religion, what church, and the personality of the Pastor.  I wouldn't assume they'll be super conservative just because they're a Pastor, but if you know the church is super conservative ... then maybe.<div>
</div><div>Really, you and your FI need to talk about what YOU want in the ceremony.  Religious?  Spiritual?  Secular?  Handfasting?  Any other symbolic rituals?  Readings from the Bible?  Readings from poems?  Readings from children's books?  Someone singing?  Religious songs?  Beatles songs?  Beyonce songs?  :)</div><div>
</div><div>Then find someone who can make what you want work.  Don't try to fit yourselves to someone else's ideals just because your FMIL wants you to.  This is the most real part of the whole wedding - make it about you and your FI.</div>

angstocker22

Thanks Carrie. I c/p some of your questions. I have about 20 now.

jennlin

my guess is that most pastors..although dislike the "living in sin", i'm pretty sure that they're used to it...at least my H's pastor is..and they're job isn't to judge you..i'm not christian, but i *think* there's something that says that nobody is allowed to judge you except God. or at least something along those lines....so relax, i'm sure it'll be just fine.

jennuinne

I agree with pp.  Don't be nervous.  If it does feel like he's judging you, don't use him.  But, it depends a lot on the religion and the pastor.  Most religions are pretty liberal.  I was raised Catholic, but even priests tend to be nonjudgmental and very open.  And, how many couples do you think they marry that don't live together, have sex, etc.?  Its so common today, its not like they'll be surprised. 

We are using a nonreligious officiant b/c I am not religious and don't go to church.  But, if you are comfortabel w/ the pastor and the premarital counseling is free, I'd say do it.  It can only strengthen your marriage, and if its free, what's to lose?  Anyless anything religious makes you uncomfortable b/c I do think, in addition to many other things, about how you will keep religion in your marriage, raise your children, etc.

KST_

By the way angstocker, full disclosure if you don't remember: my dad was a pastor all during my growing up years. He retired maybe 8 years ago. So I can tell you emphatically juding is NOT their job! IMHO, only a super-crappy clergy-member would be full of judgment as that only drives people away. After all, multiple times throughout the Bible it mentions not judging others, that only God is the true judge! Granted, there are crappy clergy people out there and if he happens to be one, sorry. Then you can come talk to my dad who is nice! (He doesn't perform marriages anymore...well, except for ours.)

angstocker22

Thanks for the reminder about your dad. I will keep that in mind when meeting him. I guess I jumped on the whole "judging" thing too quickly. But we will see.

angstocker22

Well my gut feeling was right. That was a horrible experience!

He was totally judgemental! I tried to be positive & look at it his way, which I understand, but come on! Be rational!!!

So he said the only way he will marry us is if we "stopped living in sin! And one of us moved out!"

Seriously! What! Is he going to foot the bill for my mortgage & one of our "new" rent bill to be paid?!?!!

Forget that Sh#@!!

Welcome to today's world where almost everyone either lives together before marriage or at least sleeps together!

It's really irritated FI & I. So that's a big NO!

Tygirljojo

Wow, I'm so sorry it turned out bad.  I think this is one case where FI's going to have to tell FMIL "no way."  There are plenty of other options.  The question you and FI need to ask yourselves is if you really want to be married by a pastor or if you are fine with a non-denominational officiant.  If you are fine or would be more comfortable with the latter, there are lots  of options for you both, but that's something you need to figure out between you two of what/who you want.

angstocker22

We would both love to get married by someone religious, but not crazy off their rocker religious! That experience just turned us away from wanting that, you know??
FI text msg'd his dad this AM and told him he should go online & get ordained! LOL he said "sorry - not gonna happen", was worth a try!
One of my BM's got super excited and said she would get ordained & marry us! (that was after 1 bottle of wine though) haha!

We will talk about it again tonight. We are meeting with his BM & my MOH (they're married, to each other). And they will have some advice I'm sure.

Sucks though...

Tygirljojo

Hmm...well, maybe look into Len Smolen?  I know Christianity & Catholic are different (as are other branches within Christianity) but he was a Catholic priest for I think about 20 years or so.  http://weddingyourway.net/ I know of a couple Knotties that have used him and liked him. 

angstocker22

Well, FI & I were both raised Christian. I think FMIL would get upset if we do go the religious route but it was with a Catholic priest.

Tygirljojo

Sorry, I should have noted that he no longer is a Catholic priest and is now a non-denominational officiant.  As he states (jokingly) he decided the Catholic church was not really for him due to all the "nuns" - "None of this, none of that."  But I totally understand.  He was the closest I could think of for a relgious sort of officant while being non-denominational.  Talk with your MOH & BM - I'm sure they'll have great words of wisdom.

jennlin

wow! i'm sorry about your experience! def try one of the popular officiants from TK..since most of the girls here are SINNERS and they married them just fine

angstocker22

Ty-I will check him out, that you for clarifing!!

& I will also check out the TK referrals!

KST_

Oh no!!! I'm really sorry he turned out to be that kind of judgmental person. BOOOOoooooo!! But HONEST, not all religious peeps are like that!

Merryfj

Angstocker22-The same thing happened to us! We met with the associate pastor at the church we've been attending for a few months now and he said he couldn't marry us because we live together! Argh!!! I was SO upset. We've still done premarital counseling with him but I haven't figured out what we're going to do for an officiant. It's sad because he's getting to know us so well now. There may still be some hope that he can do the ceremony if it's outside the church.


Good luck to you and don't take it personally. They have to draw the line somewhere right?