Fiance's family seems completely uninterested in wedding

khermit78

My fiance's family seems completely uniterested in the fact that we're getting married. This is a second wedding for both of us, and we're having a relatively small reception of about 40 people. While my family is buzzing around asking if we need anything, my sister is planning everything for the bachelorette party etc, I had to ask my sister's hubby to plan a bachelor party for my fiance because his brother, the best man, planned nothing. His parents have never asked how the planning is going or anything other than "why do we have to dress up for the wedding, and why is there only an hour of open bar, and why on earth would you be wearing a white dress?" Am I the only one who has this issue? In everyday life I love my future inlaws for the most part (hey we all have our faults), and I realize I don't need their approval (although knowing that they are happy for thier son would make me feel better), but to seem like they could give two craps about it makes me feel like they really either don't care, or son't support thier son's decision, even though before we were engaged, they constantly asked when we were getting married. Am I crazy?

hmonkey

stop trying to figure out their motivations or change their behavior.  there will never been an answer that satisfies you because it is not in line with what you think. 

Heffalump

You asked someone to throw your FI a bachelor party? 

And there's only an open bar for an hour?

I'm going to have to side with your FI's family here.

loveshine1

Ditto, Heffalump.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiances-family-seems-completely-uninterested-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:1d493ead-9efd-4946-a7c0-5b2b122ea04ePost:6b547ab5-24ef-4b38-aa09-cdac2b006656">Re: Fiance's family seems completely uninterested in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]You asked someone to throw your FI a bachelor party?  <strong>And there's only an open bar for an hour?</strong> I'm going to have to side with your FI's family here.
Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

Oh, I'm sorry...are you paying for this girl's bar?

If it's a small reception for 40 people, then one hour is not exactly ridiculous. Sometimes, people can't afford tons of alcohol. Sometimes, people can't even afford an open bar. It might have to be a cash bar (omg). A wedding is not supposed to be a place to get wasty face. Especially if it's a second wedding. Especially if it's small. Like 40 people.

Geeze.

Now to the OP:

I would refrain from asking people to throw parties. That's really just kind of rude.

The thing is, that second wedding syndrome has probably set in. They might just not be that excited about it because it's not their baby's first wedding. I wouldn't say they don't care about you...just not about the wedding. Ignore the comments about the white dress or tell them that it hurts your feelings (if it does). That's really, REALLY rude on their part.

But try to see it from their perspective. There's not a huge novelty in the wedding anymore. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. But don't expect his family to act like your family. Family's are very different, diverse creatures.

But the bar comment is definitely out of line. Unless they're paying for it.

Butter Cookie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiances-family-seems-completely-uninterested-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:1d493ead-9efd-4946-a7c0-5b2b122ea04ePost:b632584d-482b-47ee-a3a3-9e7fc6e46c2c">Fiance's family seems completely uninterested in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's family seems completely uniterested in the fact that we're getting married. This is a second wedding for both of us, and we're having a relatively small reception of about 40 people. While my family is buzzing around asking if we need anything, my sister is planning everything for the bachelorette party etc, I had to ask my sister's hubby to plan a bachelor party for my fiance because his brother, the best man, planned nothing. His parents have never asked how the planning is going or anything other than "why do we have to dress up for the wedding, and why is there only an hour of open bar, and why on earth would you be wearing a white dress?" Am I the only one who has this issue? In everyday life I love my future inlaws for the most part (hey we all have our faults), and I realize I don't need their approval (although knowing that they are happy for thier son would make me feel better), but to seem like they could give two craps about it makes me feel like they really either don't care, or son't support thier son's decision, even though before we were engaged, they constantly asked when we were getting married. Am I crazy?
Posted by khermit78[/QUOTE]


You can't control what they do or how they act. You can only enjoy what you do have.

FI's best man is not planning anything for him either. Instead the MOH is planning a bachelor/ette party for both of us. It's very sweet of her.

khermit78

let me clarify: I asked my brother in law to throw my fiance a bachelor party only after he volunteered, and quite frankly the reason there is only an hour of open bar is because neither myself, nor my fiance are drinkers, as a stark contrast to my future in laws. It really was just so no one gets sloppy drunk at the wedding. (Which was quickly remedied by my FIL's comment of "having his own open bar in the parking lot with a bottle of tequila") I understand that ultimately it's a day that should be special for my fiance and I, but my FIL's remarks are hurtful. I was more or less looking for a tactful way to let them know, that would not also insult my fiance. Instead I have  people on here telling me I'm in the wrong for only having one hour of open bar. I'm kind of sorry I asked!

staceylynn04

Ignore the people about the open bar. It's about as petty as your in-laws saying something about the color of your dress. You get that here and if you stick around, you just sort of have to identify posts meant to help and others that are a bit more like heckling.

I don't think you did wrong in asking someone to do the bachelor party - I don't find that rude as long as the person is alright with doing it. Especially if it's not getting done. I had that happen with my bacholerette party, the MoH didn't plan anything and we were down to about a month left till the wedding so I asked my sister to brainstorm a few ideas. She told the MoH her ideas and the MoH blew her lid off since 'someone else' was planning and it was supposed to be her thing. So I relented and let my MoH handle it...

I never had a bacholerette party because of it. Last minute parties suck and if the person planning them isn't into it, then they won't put the care or thought into it like you would expect them to. It doesn't hurt to have a back-up plan. We did my sisters party plan today (sort of), with some friends and family who weren't in the wedding party.

This wedding that I'm having has really opened up my eyes on how self-centered people are over an event that they are supposed to share with us because it is about us (me and my fiance) but people don't think about it. It's a lot of "me, me, me" and not "you, you, you," Of course, it comes with wedding territory and also since it is a second wedding, people don't realize how cruel they can be when they just shrug it off since you already had one.

My mom's advice to me was to kill people with kindness when it comes to their selfishness, but remain firm on what I want and expected of them. It's really helped me figure out who I can rely on to get things done without putting up a big fight since they want it their way. It's helped see which friends are truly reliable who are involved in the wedding party and planning. And get a more realistic feel of how both my and his family is when the pressure is on with their "baby."

You're marrying into the family, but you're not marrying you in-laws. Try and stay forgiving, that has been the biggest challenge for me, but I've made it up to this point and it's almost over soon. If they're not into it, don't pressure them, it'll just get ugly results like the comments they've already spewed to you. Keep yourself surrounded by the positive and productive people and leave the negative out of it as much as possible. Good luck!

rknox88

I was feeling down as well that my FILs weren't very excited about the wedding but ultimately I realized I just need to focus on me and FI.  If his family doens't want to be excited for us that's fine, if they refuse to enjoy themselves that is there problem-it won't be fault because I plan on throwing a nice party!

If they say something that is hurtful just say so.  Confidently say 'that is really hurtful and I would really appreciate it if you could keep your hurtful comments to yourself.' Usually people faced with confrontation back down and are embarrassed, however, make sure you assess your FIL before you try that tactic.  I know it would work on mine but idk about yours.

Lisa8888

People have different levels of excitement. Perhaps you and your family are more excited than your future inlaws are. It is also a second wedding for both of you and I do think that may be a factor. Many people just don't get that excited with second weddings. It doesn't mean that they aren't happy about the marriage. Perhaps they feel you are making too much of a big deal out of it for a small second wedding. They may not perceive that there is much to plan. Everyone views things differently.

I do think a one hour open bar is strange. The point is not whether you or your fiance are interested in drinking. The open bar is there for your guests. Cutting off your guests after one hour is rather insulting. When you plan your food and drinks for your wedding, you are suppose to consider your guests. Saying that you two are not drinkers isn't a valid reason not to serve your guests drinks.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiances-family-seems-completely-uninterested-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1d493ead-9efd-4946-a7c0-5b2b122ea04ePost:b632584d-482b-47ee-a3a3-9e7fc6e46c2c">Fiance's family seems completely uninterested in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's family seems completely uniterested in the fact that we're getting married. This is a second wedding for both of us, and we're having a relatively small reception of about 40 people. While my family is buzzing around asking if we need anything, my sister is planning everything for the bachelorette party etc, I had to ask my sister's hubby to plan a bachelor party for my fiance because his brother, the best man, planned nothing. His parents have never asked how the planning is going or anything other than "why do we have to dress up for the wedding, and why is there only an hour of open bar, and why on earth would you be wearing a white dress?" Am I the only one who has this issue? In everyday life I love my future inlaws for the most part (hey we all have our faults), and I realize I don't need their approval (although knowing that they are happy for thier son would make me feel better), but to seem like they could give two craps about it makes me feel like they really either don't care, or son't support thier son's decision, even though before we were engaged, they constantly asked when we were getting married. Am I crazy?
Posted by khermit78[/QUOTE]

Yeah you cannot ask someone to throw a bachelor party for FI.  If his best man doesn't throw one, he doesn't get one.  They are not required and just because your getting a bachelorette bc your sister is choosing to throw one doesn't mean he has to have one too. 

Your sounding like a bridezilla who is all dramatic that no one is jumping up and down with joy over the wedding.  It is your second wedding and his too, so that first time wedding excitement isn't gong to happen.  Your wedding is a 2nd wedding, which is generally not going to be as exciting to everyone as your first.  To you it is exciting, because your the one getting married, but don't get upset bc Inlaws are not head over heels overjoyed. 

For all you know, they are happy about your marriage and love the idea of your wedding, it's just that no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as much as you. 


"but to seem like they could give two craps about it makes me feel like they really don't care or support their son's decision"


do you see how you sound? you sound like a big cry baby because no one is jumping up and kicking their heels over that fact that your getting married.  Really, by not showing such reactions doesn't mean they don't care.  They just won't be as excited as you would want them to be. 

PeonyPrincesskdd

also if it is such a small wedding, then having an open bar for longer than one hour should be more reasonable and affordable since you aren't paying for 300 people. only 40 people. 

Also, really you should wear an Ivory colored dress.. not white white if this is your second marriage.

The whole point tho, is that you need to calm down and relax and stop saying "They don't give a crap about our wedding, Nobody cares blah blah blah.

Maybe they just aren't excited about weddings in general and all the details and things that are going on.  If they aren't asking about how the plans are going, who cares, seriously.  All anyone should care is the wedding day and the fun they will have, and they don't have to be all excited about all the plans that go on with it.. that is your job and FI for getting wrapped up and excited about.

RebeccaB88

I would rather see no bar at all, instead of one only open for an hour.