Another prudie

Butter Cookie

Q. Marriage Falling Apart:

A few months ago, my husband raped me in the middle of the night. He was asleep during the attack, and he believes that it is a disorder called sexsomnia. Obviously the rape has me questioning whether or not I want to stay married to him. I feel like I will never be able to get over this and I will live in constant fear for the rest of my life. I have done some research, and it only scares me further. I have decided to not have children with him because I would knowingly be endangering them. He also has vivid nightmares that often end up with him thrashing around the house. He is taking medication and is in therapy, but I do not believe that I will ever trust that he is cured. To make matters worse, I have recently started having an affair, because I needed someone to take away all of the pain. I don't want to be an adulteress, but I don't want to be in a marriage where I am afraid to sleep in my own bed. I have tried to break things off with my husband, and he refuses to let go. He knows about the other man and thinks that we can still save what we have. I still care about my husband, and I want to honor the commitment I made to him, but when I look at him all I see is a monster. Is there any hope that I can fall in love with him again, or should I cut ties and move on?

baconsmom

This woman is a moron who doesn't understand that bit about sickness and health. Or did they take some new-fangled vows: "In good times, in health, until we both decide there's something better out there." 

VarunaTT

Y'know, I'm not really sure what I would do.

But, husband is in therapy and is trying.  And she sure shuouldn't have run off and had an affair.  You want to sleep with someone else, fine, get a divorce.  Sounds like what she wants to do anyway.

nicoleg1982

I want to know how long they have (1) been sleeping together (literally) and (2) been married.  Ages would help, also.

Butter Cookie

A: To review: Your husband forced himself on you sexually while he was asleep. You don't feel safe sleeping in your own bed. You think of your husband as a "monster." For emotional comfort, you have started having wide-awake sex with someone else. You want out, but your husband won't "let go." And you don't know how to answer, "Can this marriage be saved?" It sounds like a nightmare for all concerned. Obviously, your husband has a serious sleep disturbance, and thank goodness he is seeking medical care.

Comedian Mike Birbiglia has a similar disorder, which caused him to plunge out of a second-story hotel room in the middle of the night while asleep. He writes about it in his book, Sleepwalk With Me. His version is funny; yours is not. The most important point here is that you are physically, emotionally, and mentally out of the marriage except in a vestigial way. If you could accept that your husband's actions were not his fault and that treatment can control them, then—if you stopped cheating on him—you and he could possibly have a chance. That sounds like way too many "ifs." Especially since the thought of spending the night, let alone your life, with him has you lying awake gripping a baseball bat for protection. It sounds like your husband can never again be your dream lover, and you'd better get separate beds at separate domiciles.

mleese0703

I think others should reserve judgement for the One who matters, and if that is not possible, keep your rudeness to yourself.

Cookies, There is always hope as long as you are willing to work on it. If you are unhappy with your marriage, get the help you need from a professional instead of another man. An affair can complicate things instead of improving them, as I am sure you are finding with your conflicting emotions.

It is entirely up to you what you do with your husband at this point. Fear is a normal emotion for situations like these. If you are being abused, it is up to you to leave or stay. Do not listen to people who judge and tell you what to do or not do. Only you are in the situation which means only YOU can decide what to do. I suggest some counselling for yourself and eventually both you and your husband.

VarunaTT

Reading Comprehension 101, yo.

Butter Cookie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_another-prudie?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:1e67eff4-b045-4e27-b497-3aa73841148dPost:8387a945-0e01-4927-8a94-e6dfb33f4484">Re: Another prudie</a>:
[QUOTE]I think others should reserve judgement for the One who matters, and if that is not possible, keep your rudeness to yourself. Cookies, There is always hope as long as you are willing to work on it. If you are unhappy with your marriage, get the help you need from a professional instead of another man. An affair can complicate things instead of improving them, as I am sure you are finding with your conflicting emotions. It is entirely up to you what you do with your husband at this point. Fear is a normal emotion for situations like these. If you are being abused, it is up to you to leave or stay. Do not listen to people who judge and tell you what to do or not do. Only you are in the situation which means only YOU can decide what to do. I suggest some counselling for yourself and eventually both you and your husband.
Posted by mleese0703[/QUOTE]

Uh, thanks, but this isn't me. My husband has never raped me.

**O-Face**

*likes BM's response*

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_another-prudie?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1e67eff4-b045-4e27-b497-3aa73841148dPost:8387a945-0e01-4927-8a94-e6dfb33f4484">Re: Another prudie</a>:
[QUOTE]I think others should reserve judgement for the One who matters, and if that is not possible, keep your rudeness to yourself. Cookies, There is always hope as long as you are willing to work on it. If you are unhappy with your marriage, get the help you need from a professional instead of another man. An affair can complicate things instead of improving them, as I am sure you are finding with your conflicting emotions. It is entirely up to you what you do with your husband at this point. Fear is a normal emotion for situations like these. If you are being abused, it is up to you to leave or stay. Do not listen to people who judge and tell you what to do or not do. Only you are in the situation which means only YOU can decide what to do. I suggest some counselling for yourself and eventually both you and your husband.
Posted by mleese0703[/QUOTE]
Man, I've missed this:
<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/15/0/1f88411e-91bb-4c06-9088-1a0b490c129a.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '1f88411e-91bb-4c06-9088-1a0b490c129a', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/15/0/1f88411e-91bb-4c06-9088-1a0b490c129a.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

Butter Cookie

I will admit I don't think I could share a bed with H if he raped me. At the very least he would need to get his own bedroom.

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_another-prudie?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1e67eff4-b045-4e27-b497-3aa73841148dPost:c253d221-bd0d-4d0a-bcf6-f8a4608bcb7c">Re: Another prudie</a>:
[QUOTE]I will admit I don't think I could share a bed with H if he raped me. At the very least he would need to get his own bedroom.
Posted by Butter Cookie[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I'm torn.  On the one hand, if it's a sleep disorder, it's not really fair to blame him, any more than you'd blame him for appendicitis or something.  On the other, I can see why the OP would be freaked out over it and how it would affect her feelings toward her husband.  But it doesn't seem like she's trying very hard to work through it, what with the affair on the side.  If you give it your best shot and can't get past it, then it sucks but that's that.  But it doesn't sound like she's making a lot of effort.

**O-Face**

I would make sure you could lock it from the outside.  Or something.  Sheesh.

VarunaTT

That's why I said I don't know what I'd do.  The violation would be doubly worse b/c it's your DH.

I don't think that excuses the affair though.  If she wanted to leave, she should've just left.  The divorce might've had to go to trial, but it's not like she wouldn't have been granted it at the end.

She just wants validation that her behavior is okay and I'm not willing to give that to her w/the affair.

Belle2Be

Chastity Belt people. Would solve Every problem in this situation.

Butter Cookie

LOL Belle

ReturnOfKuus

mleese's response has me in hysterics.

I don't see how this woman leapt from stress and trauma over the rape and sleep disorder to the affair.  They don't seem connected to me.  IMO she's using this as an excuse, and it'd be something else as an excuse if the sleep stuff weren't happening.

That said, I don't deny that the sleep rape was traumatic, and that this is a difficult situation.

mleese0703

This would be exactly why women get such a bad rap.

baconsmom

I don't mean to deny that she was traumatized - she was. But so was the husband. It's bad enough just to wake up somewhere you didn't fall asleep. I can't imagine having actually injured someone I love during the night.

But he didn't *intend* to hurt her. He has a disorder, not a character deficiency, and for her to jump ship so quickly? She's horrible. (He might be, too, but he didn't write in, so.)

baconsmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_another-prudie?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:1e67eff4-b045-4e27-b497-3aa73841148dPost:53bfd65f-d1a2-402a-acf0-2b6209e9f1b3">Re: Another prudie</a>:
[QUOTE]This would be exactly why women get such a bad rap.
Posted by mleese0703[/QUOTE]
Because men are virtuous and never judge anyone. And you aren't judging anyone either, especially not every time you type out one of these responses. <div>
</div><div>How's the view from that horse? Can you see your house from that high up?</div>

Belle2Be

It might not have been quickly, there isn't a timeline. Either way she's got waay to much going on and needs to chill out a little...20 bucks says she'll be engaged before the divorce is final.

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_another-prudie?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1e67eff4-b045-4e27-b497-3aa73841148dPost:53bfd65f-d1a2-402a-acf0-2b6209e9f1b3">Re: Another prudie</a>:
[QUOTE]This would be exactly why women get such a bad rap.
Posted by mleese0703[/QUOTE]
Would be, or is?  I think bad grammar gives a lot of people a bad rap, regardless of gender.  Oh, I'm sorry, I mean <em>irregardless</em>.

LnR70707

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_another-prudie?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1e67eff4-b045-4e27-b497-3aa73841148dPost:8387a945-0e01-4927-8a94-e6dfb33f4484">Re: Another prudie</a>:
[QUOTE]I think others should reserve judgement for the <strong>One who matters,</strong> and if that is not possible, keep your rudeness to yourself. Cookies, There is always hope as long as you are willing to work on it. If you are unhappy with your marriage, get the help you need from a professional instead of another man. An affair can complicate things instead of improving them, as I am sure you are finding with your conflicting emotions. It is entirely up to you what you do with your husband at this point. Fear is a normal emotion for situations like these. If you are being abused, it is up to you to leave or stay. Do not listen to people who judge and tell you what to do or not do. Only you are in the situation which means only YOU can decide what to do. I suggest some counselling for yourself and eventually both you and your husband.
Posted by mleese0703[/QUOTE]

I matter a lot thank you very much.  I also judge a lot. 

oh....and FAIL!

Lauriac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_another-prudie?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:1e67eff4-b045-4e27-b497-3aa73841148dPost:177ebe76-3f94-499e-9f8f-8aea8cad2478">Re: Another prudie</a>:
[QUOTE]irregardless.
Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

Even joking about that "word" makes me cringe.