self control issues with sister/MOH

brimorey

So, fist of all, my sister is an alcoholic. Not the kind that needs a drinke very night, but that when she has a sip, it turns into a barrel. Because she is my sister, I make  a lot more excuses for her to myself and to everyone else. She has been to AA and has had her drivers license taken away. I love her as much as you could love a sister, but she is a different person when she drinks.
I'm worried about how she's gonna be at the wedding. She is my MOH (I have two), and I am going to tell her that if she drink at the wedding, she will be asked to leave.
Most of the reason is how she behaved at the bridal shower that she threw me. She got drunk, made a speech to the fact that she was pissed off that her little sister was getting married before her, and announced that nobody lives happily every after (of course they don't always, but ya gotta say that at my bridal shower?) She also announced to everyone that our brother is getting a vasectomy, and told my other MOH and her mother that she does't care what anyone thinks about the fact that she is drinking. Her 11 year old daughter was there and was exteremely embarrassed about how her mom was acting. Many people contacted me with their condolences that my bridal shower wound up being about my sister rather than about me and how they were concerned about how shewould be at the wedding.
I have decided to ask her not to drink at the wedding, and I am going to have my other MOH do the speech. Three of the nice men from my church have already volunteered to quietly escort her into a different room if she gets out of control. I guess my only other concern is that she'll get mad when I ask her not to drink and decide that she, her daughter (jr. BM), her son (RB), aand her boyfriend usher) won't be in the wedding.
Guess I don't have questions really, just wanted to express some frustrations to some of you ladies....

brimorey

Also, I want to make it clear that I sympathize with her struggle. I don't mean to offend anybody if I worded anything badly. This is just the viewpoint of someone who has an alcoholic family member. Remember, alcoholism affects everyone, not just the person.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_self-control-issues-sistermoh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:210b9970-8802-4945-964d-6c1410a22634Post:6a1ba498-8acc-4cf0-b2e9-93d4c1299502">self control issues with sister/MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]So, fist of all, my sister is an alcoholic. Not the kind that needs a drinke very night, but that when she has a sip, it turns into a barrel. Because she is my sister, I make  a lot more excuses for her to myself and to everyone else. She has been to AA and has had her drivers license taken away. I love her as much as you could love a sister, but she is a different person when she drinks. I'm worried about how she's gonna be at the wedding. She is my MOH (I have two), and I am going to tell her that if she drink at the wedding, she will be asked to leave. Most of the reason is how she behaved at the bridal shower that she threw me. She got drunk, made a speech to the fact that she was pissed off that her little sister was getting married before her, and announced that nobody lives happily every after (of course they don't always, but ya gotta say that at my bridal shower?) She also announced to everyone that our brother is getting a vasectomy, and told my other MOH and her mother that she does't care what anyone thinks about the fact that she is drinking. Her 11 year old daughter was there and was exteremely embarrassed about how her mom was acting. Many people contacted me with their condolences that my bridal shower wound up being about my sister rather than about me and how they were concerned about how shewould be at the wedding. I have decided to ask her not to drink at the wedding, and I am going to have my other MOH do the speech. Three of the nice men from my church have already volunteered to quietly escort her into a different room if she gets out of control. I guess my only other concern is that she'll get mad when I ask her not to drink and decide that she, her daughter (jr. BM), her son (RB), aand her boyfriend usher) won't be in the wedding. Guess I don't have questions really, just wanted to express some frustrations to some of you ladies....
Posted by brimorey[/QUOTE]

Given the fact that your sister is a grown woman, you really can't ask her not to drink at your wedding. If alcohol is going to be available, chances are she is going to drink.

I think you should not mention anything to her about not drinking at your wedding and have a plan in place (which it sounds like you already do) in case things get out of hand. If you ask her ahead of time, she is likely going to get mad and remove herself and her kids from the WP. And then I think you are going to have a bigger issue on your hands. Save yourself the family drama and go with your plan of her being escorted out if she gets too intoxicated.

MinM

Does this mean you won't have an open bar?

cryssylee90

I dont really have the same issue as you but something slightly similar. I have a few familiy members who are recovering and if and when they do drink they get very out of hand. I have spoken to the bartenders and placed a limit on these 3 people, they are each limited to two drinks. I also spoke to my family and to these people personally, I adressed my concerns for them and their own well being as well as my concern for the well being of others at my wedding. They understood where I was coming from and actually thanked me for setting the limit to keep things from getting out of hand.

I dont know the type of person your sister is but you never know, she may know very well how she behaves when drinking and she may be ok with you asking her not to drink.

brimorey

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_self-control-issues-sistermoh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:210b9970-8802-4945-964d-6c1410a22634Post:80dc5939-d32a-41cf-b43a-efb60bc49ab1">Re: self control issues with sister/MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to self control issues with sister/MOH : Given the fact that your sister is a grown woman, you really can't ask her not to drink at your wedding. If alcohol is going to be available, chances are she is going to drink. I think you should not mention anything to her about not drinking at your wedding and have a plan in place (which it sounds like you already do) in case things get out of hand. If you ask her ahead of time, she is likely going to get mad and remove herself and her kids from the WP. And then I think you are going to have a bigger issue on your hands. Save yourself the family drama and go with your plan of her being escorted out if she gets too intoxicated.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]
She is a grown woman, but part of alcoholism is often not being able to control oneself when drinking. There is no IF she gets out of hand, she WILL if not prewarned. She has had chance after chance to prover herself and her self control. I feel like the only thing to do to avoid a scene is to talk with her before hand and ask her not to drink. So far, she has made my whole engegemnt about herself (hung up on me when I told her I was engaged).
I appreciate the sharing that crysylee90 has a similar issue. Yes, I am going to have an open bar. My mom suggested that I have a dry wedding because of my sister, but that made me angry because that is her problem imposed on everyone else.
I just feel that this day is a celebration of my wonderful fiance and I being joined under Christ, and if she makes this day about herself, it will be a far worse problem than if she is mad at me for a little while for asking her not to drink.
My fiance has also made it clear that his tolerance of her behavior is much lower than mine is, and I have to respect his wishes also.

whitelilly1010

My sister has a similar problem.  As soon as she has one sip it turns into a power hour and she is out of control drunk.  We were thankfully able to control it at my brothers wedding.  I played defense to the microphone and my brothers guy friends (she started getting all over them) for the short time she was at the reception.  My cousin took her out of the reception shortly after dinner because she was causing a scene.  Thankfully we were able to keep things relatively unseen. 
I don't think there is a problem asking your sister not to drink.  However, be prepared for her not to like your request and not listen to it (as that is exactly what happened in my scenerio).  It really depends on your sisters personality and how you address the issue if she will want her family taken out of the WP.  Being prepared at the wedding is a great idea.  I would suggest asking the person(s) she would respond to best to tend to her when she has too much to drink.
We have a similar concern for our wedding.  We are just prepared for my sister to cause a scene throughout the planning, possibly not allow her children to be in it, and need to be escorted out of the reception.  It is not something my FI wants to deal with as well.  However, he knows how much I want the situation with my sister to change so he is willing to leave the door open so to say so that may happen one day in the future and I have agreed to try my best to not allow anything she does get to me so that our experience is not ruined in anyway due to her.

lhazen

I feel your pain, too. You're definitely not in this alone. I just searched for "alcoholic sister" on here to see what others' thoughts were. I'm in the same boat. My sister is JUST NOW admitting she's an alcoholic and has agreed to start an outpatient program in the next couple of weeks... but my wedding is about 3 months away. My mom is ever optimistic that "this time will be different" though I continue to not be. I'm actually going to tell her I don't think it's a good idea for her to be a bridesmaid and am still considering telling her it's not a good idea if she's there. However, she is going to the program so I'm still currently open to her attending... I, too, have a similar plan in place and all of my other BMs have promised me that they will "take her out" if she becomes disruptive.
I actually have requested that there be no alcohol at my shower (which is next weekend) so I can avoid a scene like yours. I'm so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves that. And that is exactly my fear with my wedding, too... my sister got her happy wedding weekend and I keep telling myself and my mom that I deserve that, too and it's just not fair for her to have the power to take that away from me.
Just know that there are people out there that feel the same way you do and you absolutely deserve the happiest day/weekend of your life... no matter whether it's your sister or not. And, I did not judge you at all in your post... probably because I am in the boat with you.
Best of luck to you. I am sure it will all be ok on that day!