His mother

Theresa626

His mom has been constantly telling him that he is making a mistake marrying me and that he should've listened to her and that no one in his family thinks we should get married.  I just overheard her on the phone saying all these things about me and it really hurt. To my face, she is always polite and nice.  He thinks it is because she might be a little bit racist.  I'm white and he's Puerto Rican and his mom said that she's not used to being around people who don't appreciate culture or like to dance and eat which is totally out of the blue because i love all those things and I've never not wanted to eat their food or whatever... It was a really weird comment.  But, he thinks she's angry he's not marrying a hispanic girl. 

Anyway, the comments hurt both of us.  He's tired of hearing her go on and on about how he's making a mistake and it hurts me to hear her say it.  Are any of you in situations like this?  How are you dealing with it?  I'm worried that if she continues on that she'll say hateful things to me after we're married and cause a lot of tension. 

By the way, we've been dating for three years and engaged for almost a year. 

LarissaAnn

Easy.  We've told our respective parents that it's spouse first.  If any of them make us choose, I choose H, he chooses me.  And if they insist upon saying anything out of line, we leave their house or hang up the phone.  And we don't relent.

Done.

(By the way, that's what your FI needs to do.  If he doesn't, you have issues.)

GBCK

what she said.
He shouldn't be allowing this to continue.

"mom, I won't let you talk that way about the woman I love.  This is not open for discussion"  And if she continues?  he hangs up.

SarahPLiz

Yeo, Its your FI's job to manage the expectations of his family and to let them know how he feels about it. You saying something to his mother will not help the situation. Your FI needs to stand up and tell them that he has made his choice.

fnordess

Ditto what everyone said. Also, I'd like to add that you should think very seriously about whether this is something that you want to live with for the next however many decades. It sounds harsh, but this won't end after the wedding so I think that's something to consider. I am black and hispanic and FI is Jewish, and I don't think that I could marry him if his family had a problem with my existence. You're marrying him but you're also joining his family.

LarissaAnn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_his-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:264f5d94-5da7-4cd5-86f8-67ef396218c8Post:47d0aa33-b449-410d-bf73-6888a6a5ed3c">Re: His mother</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto what everyone said. Also, I'd like to add that you should think very seriously about whether this is something that you want to live with for the next however many decades. It sounds harsh, but this won't end after the wedding so I think that's something to consider. I am black and hispanic and FI is Jewish, and I don't think that I could marry him if his family had a problem with my existence. You're marrying him but you're also joining his family.
Posted by fnordess[/QUOTE]
Unless he tells his family to go jump in the lake.

rodeo417

i can relate to you!!! my future MIL wants her daugher to be one of my bridesmaids. She never asked me and made a huge stink about it when I told her politely no. Now she is doing everything in her power to make me curse her out but I am the bigger person. I had my fiancee ask her for a list of addresses for his relatives that are out of state so we can send them the save the dates. She gives hm a list of phone numbers without names. So we are calling them and have decided not to talk about the wedding to her or her daughter. My fiancee is thinking of not inviting his sister and if he includes his mother I have no problem with it. I am marrying him not her and her issues. Just remember that its her loss. she could be gaining a daughter that she never had.

Theresa626

Rodeo, why don't you want his sister to be a bridesmaid?  It seems like not inviting her to the wedding would be a really harsh step.  It would put a rift in your marriage because your fiance's family would probably not forget or forgive that and he will have to deal with it for the rest of his life.  They might stop talking to him over it.  You don't want him to have to choose between them and you if it's at all possible.  Maybe it would be worth saving you from all of that drama to just let her be a bridesmaid?  If they're going to be so upset about it.