Suggestions on how to handle this "problem"?

MagicWeaver

My fiance is from Scotland.  All his family is there.  He is very close to his neice (age 6) and especially his nephew (age 4).

I am from Texas.

My fiance is immigrating to the U.S. as we have determined for our situation that it is easier for him to move here, than for me to move there.

He has just announced this to his family.  His older sister (mother to the kids mentioned above) has now apparently been making out of line comments to the kids.  This became painfully obvious when my fiance was catching a ride to town with his mother when she was droping said kiddies off at their mother's house.  Apparently on getting out of the car and saying "see ya later" to the kids, and shutting the door and walking away to where he needed to go, his nephew said to his mother (quoting to the best of my 3rd hand information possibility) that they were "... not waiting on Uncle Baz because he is moving away and we are never going to see him again."  Grandma turned around and tried to nip this in the bud as much as possible thinking on the fly (as I can imagine such a comment was a shock to hear) saying "He's not moving away just yet!"  This unfortunately did not quell his fear of the "never seeing him again" though.

She told my finace of this and he quickly discerned this was coming from his sister (she's older).  Since he didn't hear his nephew say this, he made the request of his mother to have a talk with his sister about her lack of appropriate commentary.

I was concerned this could happen with the kids, and the nephew especially.  We had been discussing with ourselves how we were going to handle trying to reassure him that this exact worry was not going to happen, but neither of us were ready for this to be broached just yet.  The kids (and granted his whole family) haven't yet even met me.  There is plans to remedy this, but because of my current personal financial situation, I haven't made the trip over there yet.  So I am still this "nebulous" being out there (to the point that after a recent trip his parents asked him if he had a picture of me, and asked to see it when he confirmed.)

We were going to tell the kids that he could be talked to any time - even everyday with the power of the internet, and we intend to go visit (I wish I could relocate to Scotland, as that has been my desire to return there since 1999 when I went to the UK and Scotland for study abroad in college) as much as possible.

Now we have a bit of a mess on our hands.  Considering these kids ages, any suggestions on how to convey that I am not "stealing" my fiance from them and everyone is going to be able to be in contact with everyone else that is age appropriate and will be able to counteract what his sister is doing to her own kids?

We just were not quite ready to approach this just yet because we were trying to find the best way to say / do it without scareing or scaring the poor things.  They are very VERY attached to their uncle and see him daily right now, but he was here for 2 weeks for a visit and that was almost more than the nephew could stand, and he's planning a trip here for almost 3 months so we can get some real wedding plans falling into place.  I am terribly angry at the sister, and this is not the first time she's been inappropriate with the way she handles things with the kids.  I don't personally have any ground to stand on, but I feel I need to play an active role in this, but both I and my fiance are currently very stumped were to go from here.

6fsn

They are her kids.  There is nothing you can do.  Your FI can talk to the kids and reassure them that he will be in their lives, but at 4 and 6 time is a foreign concept to them.

As a parent to a 3.5 yo I'm not sure the mom is really being inappropriate either.  I know that I need to prep my kid for changes.  Ex- dh and I are going out to dinner Monday night.  I'm already telling him that he'll be here with grandma while we go to a meeting. 

Also things get lost in 4 yo translation.  Your fSIL said something to her 4 yo that got repeated in some way to your fMIL, then to your FI and FINALLY back to you.  Ever played telephone with an adult  Tryi ti with a 4 yo.

If you get nothing else from this post, get this: back off and let the mom handle this.

StephBeanWed61502

Your FI needs to talk to the kids ASAP.  Of course they're getting wrong information - they don't have anyone to get the correct information from, since your FI decided to tell the grown-ups but not the kids (FYI, telling the grown-ups and trying to hide stuff from kids never works).  

Also, don't be so quick to judge his sister - you have no idea whatsoever what was actually said between her and the nephew.  For all you know, nephew overheard sis talking about FI moving to America, saw some TV show where some character moved to America and never came back, and concluded entirely on his own that FI was never coming back.  Kids can have their own, independent thoughts - just because the nephew said something doesn't automatically mean it's because sis was saying inappropriate things to him, so don't immediately jump to negative conclusions about people you've never even met.

As for what to do now, your FI needs to sit down with his nephews and talk about this ASAP.  He should (1) apologize for not telling them sooner, since I guarantee you they know that all the grown-ups know and he didn't talk to them; and (2) say what you've said here - that yes, he's moving, but he's going to help them set up Skype and instant messenger, and he's going to come back every year to visit, and maybe when they're older they'll be able to visit him, etc.  He should acknowledge that yes, they're all in for a big change, but it doesn't mean he's leaving them forever.  He should also warn them ASAP about his upcoming 3 month trip, and talk about it as a trial run for them so they can see how things will be when he moves.

Also, last thought - If you can't travel to meet the family, why don't you Skype with them or something?  Sure, it's not an ideal first introduction, but it's a heck of a lot better than them not knowing you at all.

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_suggestions-on-how-to-handle-this-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2dadf54f-626c-4bf1-a176-5f47651ac699Post:6a41175f-0ab0-40f4-98fc-d49b157f15df">Re: Suggestions on how to handle this "problem"?</a>:
[QUOTE]They are her kids.  There is nothing you can do.  Your FI can talk to the kids and reassure them that he will be in their lives, but at 4 and 6 time is a foreign concept to them. As a parent to a 3.5 yo I'm not sure the mom is really being inappropriate either.  I know that I need to prep my kid for changes.  Ex- dh and I are going out to dinner Monday night.  I'm already telling him that he'll be here with grandma while we go to a meeting.  Also things get lost in 4 yo translation.  Your fSIL said something to her 4 yo that got repeated in some way to your fMIL, then to your FI and FINALLY back to you.  Ever played telephone with an adult  Tryi ti with a 4 yo. If you get nothing else from this post, get this: back off and let the mom handle this.
Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]

THIS!

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_suggestions-on-how-to-handle-this-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:2dadf54f-626c-4bf1-a176-5f47651ac699Post:6a41175f-0ab0-40f4-98fc-d49b157f15df">Re: Suggestions on how to handle this "problem"?</a>:
[QUOTE]They are her kids.  There is nothing you can do.  Your FI can talk to the kids and reassure them that he will be in their lives, but at 4 and 6 time is a foreign concept to them. As a parent to a 3.5 yo I'm not sure the mom is really being inappropriate either.  I know that I need to prep my kid for changes.  Ex- dh and I are going out to dinner Monday night.  I'm already telling him that he'll be here with grandma while we go to a meeting.  Also things get lost in 4 yo translation.  Your fSIL said something to her 4 yo that got repeated in some way to your fMIL, then to your FI and FINALLY back to you.  Ever played telephone with an adult  Tryi ti with a 4 yo. If you get nothing else from this post, get this: back off and let the mom handle this.
Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]

Yeah, definitely this, all of it:  kids' shaky ability to process new info, hearing things third-hand, all of it.  Honestly, the general tone of your post makes it sound like you're looking for something to be butthurt over.  Congratulations, you may have found it.

MagicWeaver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_suggestions-on-how-to-handle-this-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2dadf54f-626c-4bf1-a176-5f47651ac699Post:b1f4285f-f3a0-4e6f-b6a5-9bca2a386506">Re: Suggestions on how to handle this "problem"?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your FI needs to talk to the kids ASAP.  Of course they're getting wrong information - they don't have anyone to get the correct information from, since your FI decided to tell the grown-ups but not the kids (FYI, telling the grown-ups and trying to hide stuff from kids never  works).[QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Just for clarity sake, he didn't tell the "adults" and ignore the kids.  He told his parents and they told his sister, and his sister told the kids before the next time he saw them.  I understand "what" you are saying, and we agree (kids pick up on way more than people realize about what is going on around them), but he told his parents feeling this was the proper way for him to handle things for his family dynamic, and was going to talk to the kids the next day, but as life would have it his schedule/plans got changed at the last minute.  He thought it safe to wait one more day so he could give it the time and attention they and it deserved.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]Also, don't be so quick to judge his sister ...  just because the nephew said something doesn't automatically mean it's because sis was saying inappropriate things to him, so don't immediately jump to negative conclusions about people you've never even met.[QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>I am not being quick to judge his sister.  I didn't say I was judging her, I said I was upset about this.  I am also upset at his parents because it was his right to tell his sister and the rest of the family, not theirs, and they went on a calling spree.  I judge no-one because it is not my place to judge.  I don't have a right to judge, but I do have a right to have a feeling about how I, he, and we are being portrayed.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]Also, last thought - If you can't travel to meet the family, why don't you Skype with them or something?  Sure, it's not an ideal first introduction, but it's a heck of a lot better than them not knowing you at all.</div><div>Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]</div><div>That is actually in the works, but my connection at home has been temporarily skuppered while I get a new computer/connection set up, but that was the initial goal, to introduce them to the idea of Skype/video chat  (his parents are not computer savvy people and the neice and nephew are young and would need help doing it at least the first few times), meet everyone etc.</div><div>
</div><div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">[QUOTE]They are her kids.  There is nothing you can do.  Your FI can talk to the kids and reassure them that he will be in their lives, but at 4 and 6 time is a foreign concept to them. As a parent to a 3.5 yo I'm not sure the mom is really being inappropriate either.  I know that I need to prep my kid for changes.  Ex- dh and I are going out to dinner Monday night.  I'm already telling him that he'll be here with grandma while we go to a meeting.  Also things get lost in 4 yo translation.  Your fSIL said something to her 4 yo that got repeated in some way to your fMIL, then to your FI and FINALLY back to you.  Ever played telephone with an adult  Tryi ti with a 4 yo. If you get nothing else from this post, get this: back off and let the mom handle this.
Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]
</div></div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">I openly admitted that it was quoted to the best of my ability.  I fully understand the concept of "telephone" and the extremity of "telephone" with kids.  I know they are "her kids".  This is why I was looking for age appropriate ways to handle the "current" situation.</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">
</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">
</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Suggestions on how to handle this "problem"? : Yeah, definitely this, all of it:  kids' shaky ability to process new info, hearing things third-hand, all of it.  Honestly, the general tone of your post makes it sound like you're looking for something to be butthurt over.  Congratulations, you may have found it.
Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE] </div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">I am sorry you got the impression I was looking for something to be "butthurt" over.</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">
</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color:initial;font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;">What I was actually looking for was some age appropriate ways to deal with what is already in their mind since what is there is completely wrong.  I was looking for someone to offer up some knowledge on how to approach it now, since I have never had to deal with this before and maybe someone had (family spreading the word before you have the chance to and kids getting the wrong idea and all).</span></div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color:initial;font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;">
</span></div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color:initial;font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;">I thought the community would be one that might be able to shed some light onto something that right now I am recognizing I am upset about and needed a "clearer mind" to offer some wisdom.  Apparently the community will assume people are looking to always be bent out of shape.</span></div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color:initial;font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;">
</span></div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color:initial;font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;">According to the majority who have responded your saying we should just leave the kid(s) to stew in their own juices over this and get hurt and bent out of shape instead of taking a proactive approach and reassuring them that it isn't as bad as they think.</span></div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color:initial;font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;">
</span></div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color:initial;font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;">I would be lieing if I said I was not shocked and quite taken aback, but thank you for the candor.  I have to say I don't agree, as I think it is going to only breed more trouble in the future.  I was looking to offer my fiance some help to make the conversation change from one of being a "this is going to happen and things are going to change but it's going to all be ok" kind of conversation to a "what your thinking is incorrect, this is how it is going to go, it's going to be all ok" kind of conversation.  I have never had to deal with this kind of issue before and when my fiance told me about what happened he was upset that his nephew is thinking this way when we were making plans to make it nicer for them because they have a completely different concept of time/space/distance.</span></div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color:initial;font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;">
</span></div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color:initial;font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;">Thank you </span>StephBeanWed61502 for at least giving some feedback on how to approach it which is what I was looking for.  This is how we were going to handle it initially, but since we have been circumvented, I really was looking for ways to approach the misconceptions in a 4 year old's (and possibly 6 year old - but she hasn't said anything yet) mind in an age appropriate way.</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">
</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">I am not looking for something to be "butthurt" over, just trying to help make sure the kids are understanding - this being their first exposure to a wedding and it being one where someone is moving very far away, we don't want to do more damage than good.</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">
</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">If anyone else has a suggestion to such an end, I am still looking for such ideas.</div><div>If you are just going to slag me and my fiance, please just don't.  We are trying to be good to the kids - not change the parenting style, or bad mouth the mother to them, or get bent out of shape about it.  I can be upset about something and recognize it is *my* feelings about the situation and get beyond it.  I just don't want the kids upset by it.</div>

Heffalump

WTF is all that about?  Did you seriously just try to rebut everything point by point?  A for effort, I guess.

Since we're playing rebuttal here, my point was that you heard THIRD HAND that a SIX YEAR OLD supposedly said he was "not waiting on Uncle Baz because he is moving away and we are never going to see him again."  And your approach was to post on here that "His older sister (mother to the kids mentioned above) has now apparently been making out of line comments to the kids" and cited the "waiting on Uncle Baz" heresay.  This, to me, sounds like taking the slightest whiff of something out of context and making a proverbial mountain out of a molehill.  Hence, my comment that you come off sounding like you're looking for things to complain about.  Which you do.

Yesterday, my kid was all bent out of shape because we got home and the plumber was still there, and she told me that she wanted him to leave so Daddy could come home.  After discussing with her, it turned out that she noticed that the plumber's truck was blocking the side of the garage where my husband usually parks, and based on that, she had concluded he wouldn't be able to come home until the plumber left.  Kids get oddball ideas, and sometimes a statement is really more of a question--they're looking for a parent to say "No, of course Daddy can still come home, he'll just park behind my car" or "Just because Uncle Baz lives far away, it doesn't mean that we can never see him again.  We can visit him, he can visit us, we can Skype, send photos, email" etc.  This is normal, and easily addressed by people who know the child and care for his or her well-being, rather than someone who is just looking for an excuse to gripe.

Your FI was out of line asking his mother to talk to his sister about her supposedly inappropriate comments, and you're out of line for taking a comment from a confused little kid and blowing it up into a family drama.  If you're so concerned about the kids, then talk to them directly in simple, reassuring terms, and when you're not doing that try keeping your mouths shut.

6fsn

My advice was to butt out and let the SIL handle it.  You stating the SIL has made several inappropriate comments is indeed a judgement.
Butt out.  Especially since you don't know these people at all.

cbakerccm

My advice would be to find a new place for advice. These posters are MEAN and not helpful!

It is wonderful that these children mean so much to you and your fiance that you are looking for ways to address his move. I suggest that he try Skype with them from the next room, or from his house, before he moves. Kids love Skype, seriously. It is like they are on their own television show.

It might be also nice for you to send a little note to their family, maybe with some crayons and paper or blank cards, or draw the kids a picture. He can explain that they can always send things through the mail (fun!), Skype, or talk on the phone. 

I agree with your fiance that if his mother heard the comment from the nephew, she may mention it to his mom (her daughter) that it seemed a bit negative. 

Good luck! And the website "A Practical Wedding" has a much friendlier community, if you have any more questions or need help!

cbakerccm

My advice would be to find a new place for advice. These posters are MEAN and not helpful!

It is wonderful that these children mean so much to you and your fiance that you are looking for ways to address his move. I suggest that he try Skype with them from the next room, or from his house, before he moves. Kids love Skype, seriously. It is like they are on their own television show.

It might be also nice for you to send a little note to their family, maybe with some crayons and paper or blank cards, or draw the kids a picture. He can explain that they can always send things through the mail (fun!), Skype, or talk on the phone. 

I agree with your fiance that if his mother heard the comment from the nephew, she may mention it to his mom (her daughter) that it seemed a bit negative. 

Good luck! And the website "A Practical Wedding" has a much friendlier community, if you have any more questions or need help!

MagicWeaver

Thank you.  I know this post is quite old now, and to be honest I had completely tuned out all possibility that there was a thread going at all because of the kind of comments I received because I was concerned for the feelings and emotional welfare kids.

Your suggestions were great, and we ended up coming up with on our own something very similar.

I got a better internet connection, and he came back for a visit and we did a video chat while he was here.  The kids got IPads, and the older kid got an IPhone as well and they text daily, even when he's in Scotland.  The kids watch us interact over Skype and things quite frequently now, and have gotten outwardly more comfortable toward the prospect, and even talk to me now too.  The sister was approached by the local family et. al. and it was pointed out to her that the kid(s) had taken whatever it was that she said wrong and it was upsetting to them.  My fiance and everyone have been able to reinforce over some time that it's not going to be like they were scared of, and the kids are more comfortable with the prospect and even looking forward to coming here for the wedding.

We weren't hiding it from the kids, we weren't even ready for the whole family to know, it was a circumstance of accidental confirmation so to speak.  They accidentally intercepted a call that was meant for him and then it spread like wildfire through the family and he had to confirm.  Then the concerns started with the kids.  We wanted to do it while I was there in person and we could do something special with the kids to explain to them.  That opportunity was taken from us, and taking our time to do it right was taken from us, and there was no real helpful information found here until cbakerccm's post.  All I was looking for was some guidance to help work with the circumstances we were in.

Thank you cbakerccm.  It's nice to see there is some people on here who actually read the questions instead of automatically assuming they know everything there is to know before reading through something properly.  It was quite apparent to me that the negative ones didn't read my inquiry, but instead assumed I was being an over-reactive diva trying to dig my claws into a family problem.  All I was being was concerned over the ways a 4 and 6 year old were misunderstanding information we weren't ready for ANYONE to have yet.

I gave up on getting any kind of constructive help from this community long ago.

Wzz

@6fsn - OMG. i read that as  EX-DH, as in former DH.

 

i was all sorts of confused, and wondering where i was in april 2012 that i missed something huge.

6fsn

I read it that way too!  Also, this post is so old the 3.5 yo is now 5.