Wondering if I should even get married (Long)

eguynn

I'm posting because I am becoming very concerned about what is going on in my head regarding my wedding and I need to talk to someone about it, and honestly, I would prefer a stranger who won't judge me.

I am eloping, at least that is the plan.  I have a lot of reason why I'm eloping.  One is that I've never been a white wedding girl.  All I've ever wanted was one opportunity to look pretty and have pictures taken in a dress that looks like it was made for me with a huge smile that I can look back on and remember me being happy..and beautiful.  My parents eloped.  My grandparents eloped.  We've never celebrated things.  We aren't sentimental.  We just don't do that whole family thing that so many people do.  It's just my parents and me now so we have no extended family, no cousins, aunts, etc. My parents and I have always been fine with that.  I've always looked at people who do anything different and thought, 'that life would be awful! Thank god I don't have to deal with that stuff'  It's just not my thing.  

Another is, I've moved 4 times in the past 5 years and I'm in my 30's.  It's hard enough to maintain a close network of friends in your 30's because so many women have started families and friends tend to take a backseat, especially when they live in a different time zone.  And it's even harder to create a new circle of friends when your in your 30's and you move a lot.  I would love to throw a party, in fact, I was planning one, but very few (like 2) can attend because it is expensive to travel and I had a really hard time finding any other people than the ones I asked that I wanted to celebrate with just to fill seats. So I canceled it.

The last one is, my FMIL.  I am very low key about marriage.  It was the way I was raised.  She has become a lunatic.  She has taken every ounce of joy I have and turned it to dread.  She doesn't understand why I don't want to make a big deal about a wedding and I am so against a party.  She doesn't respect my wishes, and it means nothing to her that hosting a party isn't something I want because I did want one and I had no one to attend it and I don't want the reminder that I didn't have enough friends in my life to fill a room.  She's even gone as far to plan a reception behind my back and invited only her friends to it.  After that, I learned that I will probably hate the ground my FMIL walks on and this really scares me.  Can you have a successful marriage when you despise the woman who gave birth to your husband? I understand that she is just really excited, but I'm not.  Her excitement has actually made me second guess whether or not I want to get married at all, especially into her family.

I'm thinking of getting counseling, but I don't know if counseling will ever change my feelings that I have.  I've temporarily put a hold on my elopement because I'm not sure it's something I can go through right now (or ever).  I'm really upset, and I'm starting to think that I'm the one with the problem, that my parents really are dysfunctional like people have told me, and that I shouldn't get married.

hmonkey

[QUOTE]I'm thinking of getting counseling, but I don't know if counseling will ever change my feelings that I have.  I've temporarily put a hold on my elopement because I'm not sure it's something I can go through right now (or ever).  I'm really upset, and I'm starting to think that I'm the one with the problem, that my parents really are dysfunctional like people have told me, and that I shouldn't get married.
Posted by eguynn[/QUOTE]

i am sorry you are feeling this way.  however, <strong>please consider counseling</strong>.

counseling is not about changing your feelings or making you do things a certain way.  counseling is a lot about exploration, and about getting a different perspective. 

putting your elopement on hold is a good thing while you sort out your feelings, especially if you are this upset.  (btw, most of your post is about justifying your elopement, and really -- none of us care;  you don't owe us -- or anyone -- an explanation for wanting what  you want.)

btw, what does your fiance say about all of this, especially the way your fmil is acting?  if he doesn't support you, then that is a big reason not to get married.

krizzo17

I'm going to second what pp said and suggest you reach out to a counselor. One thing stuck out to me in your post - you don't seem to doubt your love for your fiance, or your desire to spend your life with him. Many "I don't know if I want to get married" posts on here tend to be about the relationship, these all seem to be internal issues (except your fmil, who needs to mind her own business).

fwiw, I've moved away from everyone I know recently, and I understand how depressing it can be, even if you're excited about where you live and the direction your life is going. Having been to counseling before myself, this sounds like a situation where you could really benefit from talking to a professional.

DG1

Agreed. The big gap in the story is the fiance & what he is or isn't doing here, and what kind of wedding he might want. 

There's also a lot of room between "I must have a $500,000 wedding with 637 people" and "meh, it's just not my thing" and "celebrating is bad."

Planning the reception behind your back was WAY out of line. What did your fiance say about it?  Was it really a reception, or was she trying to throw a party for the two of you? Like an engagement party or something?  Is this behavior typical for her, or are you freaking out over one thing that you might have misinterpreted?

Hmo is right, btw. Definitely address your feelings. Neither is "weird," but you need to decide whether the occasional celebration is something you can tolerate, because it sounds like his family does birthdays and christmas and weddings, so you'll have to do at least some of that in the future.

eguynn

He wants to elope too.  And he doesn't want a party.  Him and I are the same page with everything.  He just doesn't know how to say no to his mother and really mean it.  He says no, but she ignores him and badgers him until he gives in.  I don't know if I can live like that for the rest of my life. 

The reason I wrote so much about me eloping is because when I think of eloping in my mind, it is something between 2 people intentionally done so other people aren't involved.  And having a party isn't an option in my book when someone would do something like that.  It's really important to me that it just be the two of us with the circumstances I listed.  If we wanted a party, we would just do a small wedding (like with the parents which was originally planned until his mom invited 16 other people to the courthouse) with a family party after.

hmonkey

[QUOTE]He wants to elope too.  And he doesn't want a party.  Him and I are the same page with everything.  He just doesn't know how to say no to his mother and really mean it.  He says no, but she ignores him and badgers him until he gives in.  I don't know if I can live like that for the rest of my life. 
Posted by eguynn[/QUOTE]

might want to mention to your fi how much his pansying about bothers you.  so counseling for you, and maybe counseling for both of you if you want to continue in this relationship.

[QUOTE]The reason I wrote so much about me eloping is because when I think of eloping in my mind, it is something between 2 people intentionally done so other people aren't involved.  And having a party isn't an option in my book when someone would do something like that.  It's really important to me that it just be the two of us with the circumstances I listed.  If we wanted a party, we would just do a small wedding (like with the parents which was originally planned until his mom invited 16 other people to the courthouse) with a family party after.
Posted by eguynn[/QUOTE]

again, this doesn't matter to us.  it matters to you, and you don't have to justify this to us OR TO YOUR FMIL.  if your fmil doesn't care why, then she doesn't want to hear your reasoning, no matter how long and loud you protest.  so stop justifying and explaining.

GBCK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wondering-should-even-married-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:32bce9ea-accf-4558-a56a-344e053904ffPost:02be6404-6011-4af8-a93b-f0c871dbab85">Re: Wondering if I should even get married (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]He wants to elope too.  And he doesn't want a party.  Him and I are the same page with everything.  He just doesn't know how to say no to his mother and really mean it.  He says no, but she ignores him and badgers him until he gives in.  I don't know if I can live like that for the rest of my life.  The reason I wrote so much about me eloping is because when I think of eloping in my mind, it is something between 2 people intentionally done so other people aren't involved.  And having a party isn't an option in my book when someone would do something like that.  It's really important to me that it just be the two of us with the circumstances I listed.  If we wanted a party, we would just do a small wedding (like with the parents which was originally planned until his mom invited 16 other people to the courthouse) with a family party after.
Posted by eguynn[/QUOTE]<div>That's no way to live a life.</div><div>
</div><div>I'll ditto the counseling.

</div>

eguynn

Thank you guys for responding.  Writing everything down was really therapeutic and eye-opening for me.  It made me realize that what I was feeling was not normal.  I gave the ring back because I knew I would never be happy with the life I was choosing with him unfortunately.

LittleMissCutiePie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wondering-should-even-married-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:32bce9ea-accf-4558-a56a-344e053904ffPost:3cec202a-4ebf-4569-9d80-b0e5705d8109">Re: Wondering if I should even get married (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you guys for responding.  Writing everything down was really therapeutic and eye-opening for me.  It made me realize that what I was feeling was not normal.  I gave the ring back because I knew I would never be happy with the life I was choosing with him unfortunately.
Posted by eguynn[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry to hear that this has caused such heartache and trouble for you, but ultimately this is a very positive decision you've made. Take care, and know that you can always come here and we will listen and offer advice.