Mother being difficult about my wedding choices!

[Deleted User]

Hi Everyone,

I am looking for advice on this sensitive topic.  My parents are paying for my wedding, and my mom, specifically, is using it as leverage to change all of my plans that she doesn't like.  Now don't get me wrong, I am beyond appreciative that my parents are paying for the majority of my wedding, but I don't love the fact that the money is only an option for me if she likes what I am choosing.  She wants to change the color of my bridesmaid dresses (because she doesn't think she looks good in that color... and no, she is not a bridesmaid!), change the design of my cake, change the grooms cake from a fun, themed cake to a sheet cake, and my invitations because she doesn't like them.... and this is just to name a few.  It should be known that I have incorporated many of her ideas into my wedding, as well as reasoned on some things to meet her in the middle.  I don't want to come across as disrespectful, but I feel my decisions should stand in my wedding. I need advice and suggestions on how to approach her when she presents me with these ultimatums.  

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mother-being-difficult-wedding-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:36089970-b425-4578-8fac-180339df2e24Post:4651012f-1a54-430e-a6e9-41532208064d">Mother being difficult about my wedding choices!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Everyone, I am looking for advice on this sensitive topic.  My parents are paying for my wedding, and my mom, specifically, is using it as leverage to change all of my plans that she doesn't like.  Now don't get me wrong, I am beyond appreciative that my parents are paying for the majority of my wedding, but I don't love the fact that the money is only an option for me if she likes what I am choosing.  She wants to change the color of my bridesmaid dresses (because she doesn't think she looks good in that color... and no, she is not a bridesmaid!), change the design of my cake, change the grooms cake from a fun, themed cake to a sheet cake, and my invitations because she doesn't like them.... and this is just to name a few.  It should be known that I have incorporated many of her ideas into my wedding, as well as reasoned on some things to meet her in the middle.  I don't want to come across as disrespectful, but I feel my decisions should stand in my wedding. I need advice and suggestions on how to approach her when she presents me with these ultimatums.  
Posted by jnm9jem[/QUOTE]

if your mom is paying for your wedding, then she gets final say in how her money is spent. would it be nice for her to take your tastes into account? yes, but not required.

if you want things your way, open up your wallet and pay for your <em>big day</em>

JayAre

That's pretty annoying to hear. My parents aren't paying for my whole wedding, but they paid for my dress/alterations, my hall, and flowers, but they let me pick whatever I wanted. I'd sit down with your mom and ask her what she values more - that her daughter is happy on the best day of her life because she got to choose what she especially was fond of, or if your mom values more that she gets to control your life at the expense of your enjoyment. Really, instead of butting heads, approach it to her like you are hurt that her best interest isn't yours. Like the deal with your bridesmaid color choice that she doesn't look good in, for reall?? Suggest a better color for her, and say it's because you'd rather her stand out in something...and whenever my mom started giving me a bit of an edge, though it doesn't sound like anything compared to yours, I tell her, "Hey, you had your wedding to plan 25 years ago and had what you wanted, now it's my turn." Might be worth a shot.

Although, I would try to save my money and pay for stuff myself, too. That is how I am doing it. And I am forgoing stuff like buying the new tank top or going to the movies, really, really, really pennypinching.

mm4662

Hey first off.... Barbie- LET'S GO PENS! Hopefully they can pull out a win tonight. I loved coming on this post and seeing your big penguins picture :-)

Anyway. I'm sorry. That sucks.

I think you should have a talk with her. I don't know what else you can do because they are paying. In a perfect world, she'd want you to be happy and hopefully, listen when you talk.

Good luck.

6fsn

"Hey mom, I want to do this my way.  So I will also be paying for it."

It sucks she's putting demands on you, but it is her money.

regfalange

I was having a similar issue with my mother.  She is too paying for most of my wedding and she is a control freak to boot.  She didn't try to change any of my choices, but instead, when it came down to us wanting something, like a particular photographer, she responded by saying that they were too expensive.  However, she wasn't showing us the budget to show us where this money was going and the reason that particular item was too expensive.  My FFIL ended up paying for the photographer.

It was really bad in the beginning of our planning because she thought she had basically decided on the venue without really consulting us, after I had told her repeatedly that I did not want to get married there.  In the end, she relented and let us have the wedding where we wanted.  I too kept saying, "It's not 1972, you had your wedding then, this is my turn"  At one point she actually said to me that the wedding was about them, and not us.  To which I stated "again, it's not 1972".  I couldn't understand why she couldn't just say "I can contribute X amount of dollars, here you go, plan away" I figured in the end if we needed more money, we would find it.  But I guess I should have known, there was no way she was going to do that.  In the end it is ok, planning is coming along better now, and its going according to our plans and what we want.

But your mom, does not sound as easy to deal with.  I can't believe she made you change the color of the BM dresses b/c she doesn't look good in that color.  Why would she even wear the same color as the BMs? 
Clearly I don't know her, or you, but I really don't know what to tell you to say to her.  My FI and I just sat down with my mom and talked it out and the conversation went really well.  Afterwards I felt like a weight had been lifted.  I guess that is the only thing I can suggest, sit down with her, with both of you.  The reason I needed my FI there was because my mother and I don't get along that well anyway, and whenever I talked to her about things alone, we just fought, so I knew it would be different if he were there.

Good luck!