what would you do?

Mioh1

Before I became engaged I knew that I didn't want to change my name once I became married. However, the other day my FI was telling me that he was figuring out how to do the whole change name process when I said "I don't want to" and he became upset. It's important to him but it is to me as well to keep my last name. I don't know how to find a medium between us at the moment. =/

MrsMyrtle

It's your decision. He has every right to his opinion, but at the end of the day, it's YOUR name.

baconsmom

It's your name. You get to keep it. End of story. 

Why is it so important to him that you go through with what was, essentially, a possessive identifier? I mean, is he going to write his name on all of his other stuff to make sure no one takes it? No. And he shouldn't do it to you, either. 

zsazsa-stl

Did you have a conversation about your reasons for not changing your name?  If it has nothing to do with him, does he understand that?

loveshine1

I think you need to have a discussion about your reasons for not wanting to change your name. And it is your name. You can change it or keep it as you see fit.

I wanted to change my name for a few reasons. I liked the idea of being Mrs. Husband'sFirstandLastName andplusalso, my name was long, cumbersome and no one could spell it worth a damn. It was also associated with an ethnicity that I am not.

hmonkey

even if he doesn't accept any of your reasons, too bad.  it's your name to do what you want.  change it to "crapbag" and see if he still complains.

ReturnOfKuus

You can compromise by suggesting that he changes his last name to yours.

[Deleted User]

There is no medium. It's your name and you can keep it or change it as you want. He should accept that. I'm keeping my name for the time being and H said it's my choice. Eventually I'll change, his last name is much shorter and easier to say/spell for others than mine, but it's at my own pace.

DG1

As someone who totally regrets changing her name, I wholeheartedly agree with the PPs.  It's YOUR name, you know what you want to do about it, and you get to decide.  Your fi gets an opinion, maybe, but in the end it's YOUR name and YOUR decision.

When I changed my name, it was my decision.  But I knew in my gut that I didn't really want to change it. And my H would have been OK with that if I had just said so. But I convinced myself that I didn't really care. But guess what? I did care. Still do, 4.5 years later.  Don't talk yourself out of something you're sure of.

frenchy730

You could consider hyphenation.  That way you get both.

Sloane99

Either:

- you both keep your current names
- he changes his to yours
- you change yours to his
- you both change to a different name
- you hyphenate
- he hyphenates

I don't actually know of any other options, but really I do think it's your decision at the end of the day, it's your name afterall that you have to use on a daily basis.

I wanted to change mine and so I am, which FI fully supports and when I asked him he said he would prefer it, but would understand either way because it's NOT HIS NAME.

KatyRoseM

Ok I'm going to get flamed for this but I don't agree that its your name do what you want.  It is clearly important to someone you love and you should talk about it and find out why it is important to each of you and then try to find something you can agree on.  I don't get why saying its MYYYYY name is any better than its MYYYY day, both include people you care about.  If its important to him ask why, maybe its a good reason.

noelwellin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_would-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3c8f4528-41a9-461d-a816-6c8fe939342ePost:e1ae249c-dfc1-4ad3-b2f8-03c3d3e58cb3">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok I'm going to get flamed for this but I don't agree that its your name do what you want.  It is clearly important to someone you love and you should talk about it and find out why it is important to each of you and then try to find something you can agree on.  I don't get why saying its MYYYYY name is any better than its MYYYY day, both include people you care about.  If its important to him ask why, maybe its a good reason.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Actually, saying "it's MYYYYYYYY name" is a lot different than "it's MYYYYYY day."  You get one "day," and it's just that - one day.  Generally when people whine about it being their "day" it's because they're being bratty or want some specific detail of their special day just so.  You have your name for the rest of your life.  Saying she wants to keep her name because its HER NAME is hardly bratty or uncaring.  There's a huuuuge difference. This is a terrible comparison.  </div><div>
</div><div>ETA:  To answer your question, OP, I would just talk to your FI, explain your reasoning.  He was probably just caught WAYYYY off guard, considering this is something that usually comes standard with marriage.  Had you discussed your feelings on this issue with him before this convo, or was it a total surprise to him?  
</div>

MrsMyrtle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_would-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3c8f4528-41a9-461d-a816-6c8fe939342ePost:e1ae249c-dfc1-4ad3-b2f8-03c3d3e58cb3">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok I'm going to get flamed for this but I don't agree that its your name do what you want.  It is clearly important to someone you love and you should talk about it and find out why it is important to each of you and then try to find something you can agree on.  I don't get why saying its MYYYYY name is any better than its MYYYY day, both include people you care about.  If its important to him ask why, maybe its a good reason.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh, I can't wait to see how this goes over tomorrow.</div>

KatyRoseM

I just think it depends why it matters to both people.  If he wants it just because its tradition and he never thought about it than thats probably not a good enough reason to alter your plans, but if he has a reason that is really important, maybe you should listen to what he has to say too.

Yes you have to live with your name, but you also have to live with what it meant to the people in your life.  If its that important, then it might be worth thinking about from a point of view other than what you want.  On the other hand, if its that important to you, you can do what you want, however if its a big enough problem that your posting it here, its worth looking into what it means to each.

Lastly, she asked for a compromise, and while your right there isn't really one, talking about why its important to someone you love is a good start.  Saying but its my name is not.   

katorigasuki

you don't have to hyphinate.  i took my h's last name but in addition to my own.  i'm:
katori MYNAME HISNAME.  Socially, i go by his name.  Professionally, i use both.  my son is Miles HISNAME. 

the real question is why is he so concerned about taking his name?  you need to get to get to the bottom of this first.

ReturnOfKuus

What possible good reason could he have for wanting to name his woman yet keep his own name?  I would LOVE to hear this.

KatyRoseM

Ok, my Fi and I agreed we wanted to have the same last name (we thought it would be nice for children, also it means to both of us that we are one family) again personal choice but thats what we wanted.  I wanted him to take my name, he wanted me to take his.  I wanted mine as an up yours to the Third Reich, he wanted to keep his to honor his family for adopting him when he was such an abused and damaged child.  As he is not related to them by blood being related by name was more important.  I thought these were good reasons for us to use his name (though I'm keeping mine as a middle name and we are giving it to the kids as a middle name).  

This is dependent on us thinking it was important to have the same name, but in the end I thought the reasons he had were better than mine (its not like the Third Reich is still kicking, or that I'm really the last of people with my name).   

noelwellin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_would-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3c8f4528-41a9-461d-a816-6c8fe939342ePost:cb29a37f-b0eb-418f-9826-61ab27b51b65">Re: what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just think it depends why it matters to both people.  If he wants it just because its tradition and he never thought about it than thats probably not a good enough reason to alter your plans, but if he has a reason that is really important, maybe you should listen to what he has to say too. Yes you have to live with your name, but you also have to live with what it meant to the people in your life.  If its that important, then it might be worth thinking about from a point of view other than what you want.  On the other hand, if its that important to you, you can do what you want, however if its a big enough problem that your posting it here, its worth looking into what it means to each. <strong>Lastly, she asked for a compromise, and while your right there isn't really one, talking about why its important to someone you love is a good start.  Saying but its my name is not.  </strong> 
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, she did ask for a compromise, and PP's suggested several.  You insinuated she was being a brat and now you're backtracking so it doesn't seem that way.  </div>

KatyRoseM

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say she was being a brat, I meant that saying its your name do what you want sounded bratty to me.  Your right though, that was rude of me, and I am sorry.  

Mioh1

My FI told me that since it's tradition and that his brothers wives took the last name he just assumed I would as well. Techinically I just caught him way off guard. He's told me that if I want to keep my name that's fine but if I'm up for the us both to change our last names he would be happy to do so. I just told him my reason for keeping my name is that I'm just so used to it and it's long as it is already, more so with the hyphenation. And he's agreed that the one dealing with the name change is me, and I'll have to be dealing with it every day.  Thanks ladies for the advice! )))