Vent: Sister Drama

whitelilly1010

My sister is just not happy unless she is starting drama and putting me down.  To sum up...we basically have not spoken for 7 months due to her decision to disown me and exclude me from her families lives because I would not give (monetarily) any longer.  I always leave the opportunity open for her to mend fences but she seems to always do the opposite.  Although we spent some of the holidays together at my parents we never spoke to one another.  I did speak to her children and even tried to make arrangements with their father (her ex-husband) to see them while I was in town on his days but it didn't work out.  She went around telling my entire family that I never spoke to them and that I was taking our disagreement out on them.  I would NEVER do that even though she told me I was not an aunt to them any longer.  I simply replied to each family member who asked me about it by saying that my FI and I both did.  Two weeks later when everything subsided she bashed me again but this time on her daughters facebook page.  I  didn't respond in any way to it.  A few weeks after that she had her baby and turned everything around on me again.  Upsetting my father to the point where he tried to get me to apologize to her (he generally never gets involved in other peoples drama).  I had to with class and respect try to put my feelings aside and try to explain the truth to him since he was told she tried to contact me several times and I would not respond.  It infuriated me.  I even sent her a baby gift and had my FI's grandmother knit her a baby blanket.  I did not get a response.  Not even a thank you of any sort but I did not run around complaining to my father that I was not getting enough attention.  A few weeks later she sends me pictures of her kids...WHAT??  I had to beg to get pictures that I paid to have taken before.  I am about to go home again for a visit (we moved from my hometown for me to continue my education).  I feel like most of my family is already against me over this, especially since they all keep telling me that my sister has to be in my wedding party because she is my sister and I do not reply.  We have an idea who we want in the WP but haven't confirmed or said anything to anyone.  We are waiting until closer to the wedding obviously.  The truth is...I think even when it's down to the wire about me deciding I will not know what to do about her.  I am just so frustrated with it all.  It really hurts that so many people have to have an opinion on it and take sides without seeing the reality of it.  Urgh!  Thanks for letting me vent ladies!  Feel free to vent yourself if you'd like.

blahblah85

Its your wedding.  Have who YOU want on the WP.  Then again, if you ask her to be in the WP, it visibly looks like you are trying to mend fences. 

Also, would you parents be willing to mediate with her?  She'll be more likely to put on a nice face when confronted directly.  When she attacks you on the phone give her one warning, then hang up.  You don't need to deal with disrespect.

AutumnFair

Sounds like your sister is the Queen of manipulation and using her children no less to get what she wants. Definitely agree with blahblah, that you can choose whoever YOU want for your WP, do NOT let people push you around, this is your decision if you want her in it. If you don't want her in it, just stick to your guns and change the subject (or leave) if people persists on talking about it.

If you do let her be a BM, then people will know that you are trying to mend things and if she acts out then she will be the one to look bad publicly. I suggest just asking her budget for the dress, pick one out (or just pick a color, designer, length and the her get something), then be done with it. It will be up to her to get the dress and be there the day of the wedding. Don't ask for her opinion on wedding stuff because she will probably just disagree with you and make some kind of snide remark. If she asks about the wedding, give a short simple answer and change the subject to something else. I say the less she is involve the better.

So once again, this decision is totally up to you. If you are tired of her and her actions that you don't want her as a BM then you definitely don't have to make her one. If you rather be the bigger person (which takes a lot of patience and guts), make her a BM and use what I suggested above to deal with her throughout the wedding process. 

Good luck to you, sounds like a no win situation you are in. 

matuofm

wOw.  That IS some drama.  First off, you have my sympathies.  This situation sucks hardcore.  I'm going through something slightly similar (family is being politely cold to FI and I because they're very close with my ex and have decided that I must have cheated on him with FI, and seem to want nothing to do with us or the wedding).  It's really difficult to see your family turn on you when you know that their reasons are unjust and based on falsehoods.

I wouldn't know where to begin in terms of suggestions here.  I tend to be of the opinion that anyone who's going to consistently and maliciously cause that much drama and trouble in my life ISN'T family - regardless of shared chromosomes.  But I respect that that's a minority opinion, and it seems like you risk losing your ENTIRE family by going that route.  You mentioned that you went to holidays but didn't speak to each other - I understand that she's being extremely difficult and would probably respond unpleasantly, but if you attempted to speak to her (pleasantly, as if nothing was out of the ordinary) during these events, family might at least see that you're trying and she's not doing her part.

The only thing that I can think to suggest is this: you said that this drama has been going on for 'round about 7 months.  And you said that your sister just had a baby.  Was she like this during previous pregnancies?  I'm certainly not saying that pregnancy makes a woman crazy or that she gets a pass on manners during that time, but it might make you at least feel a little better about hope for the future if it's possible that she just waaaay let her hormones get the best of her.

I hope that this turns out well for you. 

MinM

Dude. Paragraphs.

ReturnOfKuus

Don't ask people you don't like to be in the wedding party.  If the rest of your family thinks she should be in the wedding party, then they can damn well get married and have their own wedding to have her in it.

whitelilly1010

Thank you.  I do plan on having only those important to us in our wedding party.  My FI has never been pleased with her treatment towards me especially considering everything I have done for her and her family.  Although he has his opinions he stays out of it and always lets the decision of what to do about it up to me.  We are going to wait and see how things go up until the point of needing to decide on BMs.  If she is civil I will consider asking her in order to keep the option of mending our relationship open.  If all of this continues...well she may get an invite to try and keep what little peace I can with my family.  If it gets worse...maybe she doesn't need to come at all and anyone who doesn't like it doens't have to come either.  What happens is really up to her.  It is just a shame and upsetting to me that things are even like this.  Especially with other family members getting upset with me as well. 

@ matuofm:  I would love to chalk her behavior up to her pregnancy.  However, it is just her.  She has shown more and more of these behaviors to me over the past 5 years.  We used to get along fine to a point.  As I got older though we started to have more problems due to her treatment of me.  My FI thinks she seems to think our lives are a competition and that she is always trying to out do me but that it doesn't work out how she would like it to.  When I decided to stop giving so freely she decided I wasn't worth having a relationship with any longer then.  However, she has to put on a good presentation for everyone else.  The reality is our lives are just very different.  We're very different people. 
I don't think there is any way of talking to her rationally.  The previous Christmas I was able to go most of the day without responding to her negative comments about me to my face and to the rest of our family.  Finally, in the evening I said "okay, can you please stop now."  That sent her into a rage and we got into a screaming match in front of her children.  Her ex-husband was there and had to point out that the kids were present and that we need to stop.  I was so upset I left in tears.  My FI and I agreed from now on that if she makes one comment we will just leave where ever we are at.  

My family (parents included) tell me to be the bigger person...to contact her and apologize even if it wasn't my doing.  I think she needs to grow up and take resonsibilty for herself.  Am I wrong?? She made the decision to disown me, if she wanted a relationship with me wouldn't she do something to try to rectify the situation??  She has had plenty of opportunity and didn't take one of them.

AutumnFair

Personally, I would NOT apologize unless I too were making mistakes (like if it was the verbal fight). The only thing general apologizing will do is make your sister believe she's right and continues to be a manipulative jerk to you. 

So to me, I would tell your parents that her behavior is unacceptable and you are not going to sit and take it, or apologize for it (besides the verbal fight). Basically, if your parents want this fued between you two to try to end and heal. The only thing I can see possibly helping is your whole family going to family counseling and talking out each other's behaviors toward one another and what is bothering them in a neutral setting where a professional can direct things, so that your sister can't go off on a tangent without looking like the unreasonable one.