The friends shouldn't have done her like that, but I can see their point...

mrsconn23

Dear Prudie,
I’m a single mother with two children, a son, age 13, and a daughter, age 16. My son has ADHD. For the past few summers, we have shared a vacation beach house with two other families, one who has a son the same age as mine and the other with a girl the same age as my daughter. This year we were not invited—the two friends pretended they weren't going—but I found out that they were. I asked them why we weren't included and the friend who arranged the house said that the stress of my son's impulsive hyperactivity ruined her vacation. Instead of talking to me about it, she found it easier to just exclude us. My son and I have been in therapy to work on ways to help him with his self-control. The other friend says his behavior didn't bother her, but she also didn't talk with me about it. Right now I feel that these people are no longer my friends. Should continue to be friends with them and what I should say?

—Lousy Summer

Wzz

the friends shouldn't have lied to her, though. i think the OP is better off finding friends who understand that this kid is always going to be her son. if these people would rather not spend time with her, then why bother keeping the friendship going?

DG1

OP doesn't seem to be denying that her son has issues.

The friends' pretending that they weren't going? REALLY shitty behavior. I wouldn't keep them as friends, for sure. Their kids are 13 and 16, so we can assume they themselves are not 18 or 20, which is about the maximum age I would be willing to tolerate such BS.

mrsconn23

The friends were totally shitty for doing that and I wouldn't blame her for a second if she dumped them.

However, being around a kid that has ADHD can be exhausting.  My niece has ADD and a day of her w/o her meds is tiring.

If these people wanted a vacation without the kid, I get that.  But there's better ways around it.  Like inviting the OP up for a long weekend instead of a week or something. 

If they really were that good of friends in the first place. 

6fsn

Her friends were jerks.  They needed to be adults and use their words.  I can see how it would be a very hard subject, and I can see not wanting to spend your vacation that way, but they needed to be honest.

DG1

Eh. I think their shittiness trumps the annoyance in this story (which is not to say they have to have a week with the kid - I'm just having a really hard time coming up with any sympathy for someone who would act this way).

I hope they enjoy their friendless lives. It'll get lonely when they act like this to every person whose child isn't perfect.

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_the-friends-shouldnt-have-done-her-like-that-but-i-can-see-their-point?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3ce3b5a9-2b6c-455a-a17d-5a030de8e4f3Post:51ed4883-96bf-4efb-a63e-560fa068f1be">Re: The friends shouldn't have done her like that, but I can see their point...</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh.<strong> I think their shittiness trumps the annoyance in this story</strong> (which is not to say they have to have a week with the kid - I'm just having a really hard time coming up with any sympathy for someone who would act this way). I hope they enjoy their friendless lives. It'll get lonely when they act like this to every person whose child isn't perfect.
Posted by DG1[/QUOTE]

I don't disagree.

I will say that I have friends that I love dearly who I'd never vacation with because their kids would make me insane.  Well actually, my friends lack of parenting/discipline.  And I'm not talking about toddlers, I'm talking about school-age kids.   A dinner with them can be trying because it's a free-for-all.

FLANYTATOOGURL

I don't get why this person is asking someone else if she should stay friends with people, make a decision for yourself!

zsazsa-stl

They shouldn't have lied about it.  I don't think there is a good way to break the news, but they should have done it before the trip and without lying. 

I would be curious to know, however, how awful the prior summers had been for the other families.  Like had it been so bad that she should have offered to remove her family from the equation but wasn't picking up on the fact that her kid was terrible? 

Wzz

the friend should have approached it on their last trip.

"wow, your son is high energy. do you ever have a hard time dealing with his ADHD?"

if this were a friend, she would have attempted communication IMO. at least, if she acknowledged the kid's issue, the ADHD mom would have an opportunity to ask questions about how her friends feel about it.

Wzz

also, the son is 16. i doubt that the kid was *just* diagnosed before the last summer house trip.

i wouldn't make vacation plans with people who might annoy me, so the friend should have thought about this before planning a summer house for the past few years with a family that included a child with ADHD.

mrsconn23

The son is 13...Her daughter is 16. 

I'm sure this has been an ongoing issue.  It makes you wonder if his symptoms/tics/whatever have gotten worse with the onset of puberty.

DG1

It's tough to say without knowing more details - maybe she should have withdrawn from the vacation, maybe she legitimately thought everyone was having a good time - but I'm also seeing a single mom who's looking at possibly having no social outlets becuase her kid has ADHD. To be treated like that by people you thought were your friends can feel like quite the gutpunch.

I clearly relate the beleaguered mom here. People expect some degree of craziness from preschoolers, but that doesn't make them fun to have dinner with. So we either have to find a babysitter or stay home. We occasionally get a night to ourselves because we are married, but a single mom wouldn't even get that. (<-- yes, I'm making some custody/visitation assumptions there. Didn't sound like dad was in the picture at all.)


Not that any of that matters. Even if ALL of the worst assumptions we could make about her and her kid were true, I don't think it excuses the lying. She should dump the friends.

GBCK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_the-friends-shouldnt-have-done-her-like-that-but-i-can-see-their-point?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3ce3b5a9-2b6c-455a-a17d-5a030de8e4f3Post:ace14bf2-ab6b-4705-a1ab-ea2910042867">Re: The friends shouldn't have done her like that, but I can see their point...</a>:
[QUOTE]They shouldn't have lied about it.  I don't think there is a good way to break the news, but they should have done it before the trip and without lying.  I would be curious to know, however, how awful the prior summers had been for the other families.  Like had it been so bad that she should have offered to remove her family from the equation but wasn't picking up on the fact that her kid was terrible? 
Posted by zsazsa-stl[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what I was thinking.</div><div>I remember HATING certain kids and our parents were friends and expected us to 'play nicely' together and be besties based on being similar ages.  One of those kids left bruises on me EVERY time until my parnts finally said 'enough'</div>

6fsn

There's a difference between zero social outlets and a week vacation in a house together.  If that was my only vacation I wouldn't want to spend the time and money and not enjoy myself.  It doesn't mean I wouldn't want to spend smaller amounts of time, but they shouldn't feel bad they didn't want to vacation with her.  They should feel bad that they treated her like crap and lied to her.

FLANYTATOOGURL

She probably was scared to offend her. Maybe she wanted to keep her as a girls night friend and not a spend a week with her and her crazy son friend. The OP might be one of those easily offended "not my son" type of moms. I still think it is wrong to lie though.

GBCK

I read it as less 'lying to her' and more like "okay, we vacationed w/ her for 2 years...this year, we don't wanna.  So lets follow that social rule of not talking about it in front of her".

So...less 'lied' and more 'omitted to invite, intentionally".  Which does change things a bit.  

yes, good friends should be able to say 'hey, your kid is acting like a feral weasel, we can't hang w/ you for a whole week', but telling someone 'I don't want to be around your kid/your kid is torturing mine/my kid thinnks you all suck" isn't easy.

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_the-friends-shouldnt-have-done-her-like-that-but-i-can-see-their-point?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3ce3b5a9-2b6c-455a-a17d-5a030de8e4f3Post:1d0df9a6-ed19-4f10-8c25-abf1860dd26d">Re: The friends shouldn't have done her like that, but I can see their point...</a>:
[QUOTE]There's a difference between zero social outlets and a week vacation in a house together.  If that was my only vacation I wouldn't want to spend the time and money and not enjoy myself.  It doesn't mean I wouldn't want to spend smaller amounts of time, but they shouldn't feel bad they didn't want to vacation with her.  They should feel bad that they treated her like crap and lied to her.
Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]

I never said they should want to or have to vacation with her. But their behavior was worse. They do NOT get a pass, which, here, means they lose a friend, not that they have to go on vacation with friend & kids.

mrsconn23

6 and GBCK, exactly.

That's why I said that I can see the friends POV.   They suck and went about this whole situation in the worst way possible, but vacations/vacation time can be so limited that I can see how you could be not excited about spending that time with anyone (kid, adult, or hell, even say a friend/family member's pet) that makes you uncomfortable to the point where you don't want to invite them along.

ReturnOfKuus

I'm sure she would have reacted WAY better if they'd said "Yeah, we're still going, but you're not invited because your son ruins the whole vacation."