Family Drama & Guilt (desperate for support/advice)

twilight_desire · September 2010

The stress reached an all-time high tonight, so I'm just going to jump right in.

My husband and I are a dual-military couple. Last year he propsed, and we and our families began mulling over in the early stages of wedding planning. As the year came to an end, my husband and I realized, with much pain and anxiousness, that he was probably going to deploy fairly soon--his first deployment. It was a difficult truth to accept, one that wasn't made any easier by the fact that the Army refused to recognize our relationship or make any attempt to station us together when he returned unless we hurried the legal process just to get it completed. It was a difficult time for us for various other family/friend/personal issues, but we made a quick decision to elope and have a casual day at the park to get married. We've since constantly held onto the hope that we would be able to find the time in the near future to have the full-blown ceremony and reception that we've always wanted. Needless to say, our families were rather upset that they weren't invited to our elopement. We tried to explain to them that we had thought over the decision to elope alone quite a bit before actually doing it, but--completely understandably--they're pretty upset. I know that they love and support us, and we will all be able to move on from this eventually...but, at present, it's creating a world of trouble. My husband found out that he will most likely be home at the end of this year, and even at the latest he will be home no later than the end of spring. We originally wanted our wedding ceremony on 11.11.11, and we're still shooting for that. But I feel like I'm being attacked and pressured from all sides to have this small, no-big-thing reception, and it feels like some close family members don't even want that to happen. I, again, totally understand they're feelings and where they stem from; I know that my husband and I could have made a better decision. But we're running out of time before it really becomes just too far away from the wedding date to have a ceremony, and neither of us want a vow renewal. I want the day I've always wanted, a chance to where the dress, share an incredible meal with my family and dance the night away; my husband wants to see me actually walk down an aisle, share champagne in a toast and have pictures to start an album and memories together. It's just so hard to stay focused on our goal we strive for while feeling like everyone else is bringing us down. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and cry.

Any thoughts on how to deal? Or do you think it's just as hopeless as some members of our family do? Any advice on how to reconcile the families or make the event special though we're already married would be monumentally appreciated. I could use any support right now. Thanks so much in advance.

EvanNikkiWedding · September 2010

Hi. I am having the most impossible time with my family as well. My good friend told me the other day, "It's your wedding. It isn't your parents' wedding or his parents' wedding or even your great aunt whatevers' wedding. It's your time to walk to the person you love and look them in the eyes and tell them that you want to be with them forever. And that is a memory you will never forget, so make it yours, not anybody elses." Taking her advice, I would site your family down and tell them, "here is what we're going to do. And we doing to do this because my fiance and I want it this way. And this is about us. No one else." Remember, you are inviting them to celebrate with you. You are not inviting them to dictate their needs and wants. Do what your heart tells you to do. It sounds like you and your fiance and you know what is best for you as a couple. So go with it. And good luck.

TheDuckis · September 2010

This board is a lot busier during the day. Come back in the morning and you'll get lots of really great advice.

Kesdra Maikoa · September 2010

I think you made the right decision to get married the way you did - it shows that you were thinking about being a family (eg actually living in the same place after your husband's return) rather than just having a wedding. Hard decision, but I think you made the right choice!

As for how to deal with the fall-out, it sounds pretty tough. Perhaps explaining to your family that your marriage is, in your mind, strictly 'on-paper' until you have the big family celebration would open them up to the idea of having a 'proper' wedding when your husband gets back. Maybe they can come to see that the elopement was purely a legal thing done only for the military and that even you don't feel *really* married until they all come together and celebrate your marriage as you've always wanted. Perhaps that would help ease their hurt enough to support you and your husband.

As for making the ceremony special, even though you're already technically married - I think you should make sure to include things that weren't at the elopement (eg symbolic gestures like lighting a unity candle or a cultural tradition like stomping on a glass/jumping the broom/sawing a log etc) and that will make the union emotionally official rather than just legal (if that makes sense?).

tldh · September 2010

But I feel like I'm being attacked and pressured from all sides to have this small, no-big-thing reception, and it feels like some close family members don't even want that to happen. I, again, totally understand they're feelings and where they stem from; I know that my husband and I could have made a better decision.

Actually, I think the two of you made the right decision. I think people sometimes forget that we are still fighting a war making every moment of a military relationship all the more precious. You didn't say where he was being deployed, but even if it isn't Afghanistan, either one of you could be sent there in the future.

I don't think it is selfish or any of the other things you are probably hearing right now. A wedding is really just the formalization of a decision that has been made to spend the rest of your lives together. You made that decision when you got engaged. You made sure that you would not be separated by legalizing it. The vow renewal would be the spiritual recognition. .

(This is the one area where I disagree with you. You are already married so anything following will be a vow renewal. To try to pretend it's anything else is a really bad idea. This doesn't mean it has to be a low key event. You can still have the big blowout. You would have to check with your church about what kind of blessing they can do or if they are willing to actually perform a wedding ceremony.)

quotequeen · September 2010

But we're running out of time before it really becomes just too far away from the wedding date to have a ceremony, and neither of us want a vow renewal.

It's already too late for you to have anything other than a vow renewal. You are married, so if you have a ceremony now it WILL be a vow renewal and not a wedding.

IMO, your family is totally justified in being hurt, and if you were my sister, I would be very upset that I didn't get to witness your actual marriage (even if you were doing it quickly I would feel that you could have let me know where and when so I could see it), and I would not feel in the slightest like anything you hosted now would make up for that. I would probably attend whatever party or ceremony you chose to throw, but I would not feel like it was your wedding, because, well, it's not.

I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but if your family feels as I would, and it sounds like they do, there really isn't anything you can do now to change it.

Heffalump · September 2010

See, I think I would understand the circumstances--I don't really know a lot about the military, but it seems pretty common that people sometimes have to get married very quickly because they're being deployed or relocating or whatever. So I think I would understand that. But I do agree that you get one wedding, not a series of do-overs until you get everything just the way you want. Sometimes you have to make compromises and live with the consequences of your decisions.

Heffalump · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_family-drama-guilt-supportadvice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:47d554e4-68ed-4321-8754-a8eca789d59cPost:8b5c28aa-bc73-44c6-953e-4fc8af9261c1">Family Drama & Guilt (desperate for support/advice)</a>:
[QUOTE]The stress reached an all-time high tonight, so I'm just going to jump right in. My husband and I are a dual-military couple. Last year he propsed, and we and our families began mulling over in the early stages of wedding planning. As the year came to an end, my husband and I realized, with much pain and anxiousness, that he was probably going to deploy fairly soon--his first deployment. It was a difficult truth to accept, one that wasn't made any easier by the fact that the Army refused to recognize our relationship or make any attempt to station us together when he returned unless we hurried the legal process just to get it completed. It was a difficult time for us for various other family/friend/personal issues, but we made a quick decision to elope and have a casual day at the park to get married. We've since constantly held onto the hope that we would be able to find the time in the near future to have the full-blown ceremony and reception that we've always wanted. Needless to say, our families were rather upset that they weren't invited to our elopement. We tried to explain to them that we had thought over the decision to elope alone quite a bit before actually doing it, but--completely understandably--they're pretty upset. I know that they love and support us, and we will all be able to move on from this eventually...but, at present, it's creating a world of trouble. My husband found out that he will most likely be home at the end of this year, and even at the latest he will be home no later than the end of spring. We originally wanted our wedding ceremony on 11.11.11, and we're still shooting for that. But I feel like I'm being attacked and pressured from all sides to have this small, no-big-thing reception, and it feels like some close family members don't even want that to happen. I, again, totally understand they're feelings and where they stem from; I know that my husband and I could have made a better decision. But we're running out of time before it really becomes just too far away from the wedding date to have a ceremony, and neither of us want a vow renewal. I want the day I've always wanted, a chance to where the dress, share an incredible meal with my family and dance the night away; my husband wants to see me actually walk down an aisle, share champagne in a toast and have pictures to start an album and memories together. It's just so hard to stay focused on our goal we strive for while feeling like everyone else is bringing us down. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and cry. Any thoughts on how to deal? Or do you think it's just as hopeless as some members of our family do? Any advice on how to reconcile the families or make the event special though we're already married would be monumentally appreciated. I could use any support right now. Thanks so much in advance.
Posted by twilight_desire[/QUOTE]
Oh, and JIC