I just wanted to thank you ladies for your support and advice over the past couple weeks. Unfortunately, it seems my fiance and I are unable to work out our issues. We hadn't been getting along--things had started to unravel--and the arguments built up to what I feel may be the point of no return for us.I had truly hoped and prayed this would not be the case.
I gues wanting something is sometimes not enough--me wanting it to work just wasn't enough. I think he does love me, but I worry that he doesn't know how to express it, and I can't live like this without feeling loved. He thinks that love is shown by not cheating, by not staying out till all hours of the night. But that's just a given. Love is what you do everyday. It's in how you feel for each other and I worry that he's just not capable of the kind of love i need. Love is compassion, intimacy, friendship, all those things. It's kindness and appreciation and I'm just seeing now that he might not have ever understood what love is. He thinks that the basis of my problems are money and sex and he's really just missing everything I've been trying to communicate, blaming me for "hating" him which is clearly NOT the case.
In all the emotions, after all the good, the bad, the ugly, I think I found my answer--When I was crying and he wouldn't console me. And though I was the one leaving, he made no motion to stop me. I guess I thought he would chase after me, tell me he could fix things, or at least call or something after I left. Ask a friend if I was ok. Something. --If the most important thing in my world was walking out my door, I'd be doing SOMETHING. His mother strangely reached out to me on facebook the night I left telling me she missed me. So strange and sad not to hear these words from him. It just blows my mind. Like his mom cares more that I left than him??
So ladies, the ring has been returned. I've moved back to my parents, though most of my things are still at the house. If he makes no effort to contact me or to try to fix things by Friday, it's as good as over, and I will probably collect the rest of my stuff the following week. Not that I don't realize it probably is over now. I guess I'm clinging to some sort of false hope he will come to his senses and realize that he's losing the best thing he'll ever have. I really was a good catch, and I don't mean that to stroke my ego. I loved this man to the moon and back, I really did. The wedding is all but cancelled at this point and judging from the turn of events, I probably won't have a need to be on here much longer.
My birthday is this weekend but I don't even care. I don't know what I'm doing at work now. I have a raging headache and I just want to curl up in my bed. I feel strangely that I might get ripped to shreds for my post but it is quite devastating to feel this way. My whole world is upside down. Though I am sure it will all work out for the best, it's sometimes hard to see the forest for the trees, or whatever that means. I just want to be happy, for him to want to make he happy.
Anyway, I got a kick out of all of you, reading your posts and the goofy jokes. I'll probably be gone for good off TK pretty soon--unless he makes some sort of miraculous move (I'm well-aware have a better chance of getting struck by lightening)