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need some relationship advice-long

OK so here's my situation. FI and I have been togehter for the past 18months. We've been engaged for 6 months. We moved in together (he owns a house) right after being engaged and have been living together ever since.

Although our relationship is not perfect we have continued to grow closer and closer as time goes by. Things I was not comfortable talking to FI about 8 months from now, I'm okay with saying. Our communication has gotten better. We can coexist fine and get along. I love FI and I know FI loves me. And this is quite conforting to me--to know that someone really loves you for you.

That being said, it is still a work in progress. There are fights sometimes. There is not as much "passion" in the relationship as I would like, buy FI just isn't a passionate guy.  I want to be very honest and candid here. We aren't the poster couple for huggy and kissy but we do love each other very much. We aren't all over each other, and really never were except way in the beginning, BUT there is love and there is friendship as well. He is my best friend. When he asked me to marry him, we had not been living together. We had been dating just over a year. It was the best day ever and I said yes without reservations.

After living with FI for 6 months, and with his family and everyone and him asking--- I knew I had to get the show on the road. I booked my venue Friday and with my excitement--I had a pretty noticeable feeling of fear/anxiety afterwards. Hence my "anyone feel anxious" post yesterday. To be completely honest, I have always been a bit of a commitment phobe --FI was the only guy I ever agreed to live with and an ex of mine tried to propose after we brokeup but of course that answer was "no"--I think I had rose colored glasses on about what living with FI would be like--It is harder than I thought, perhaps more because I am on my own now instead of still at home with my rents.

I talked to FI about my anxiety over the weekend and he's interpreting my fear as not wanting to marry him or not being sure. He told me there was never any fear at all in his mind or heart with me and he was upset I came to him with this info right after booking the date nad his family all knows the date. This led to larger discussions/arguments about our relationships. Though we are still living together, and still being nice to each other, tensions are running high. I feel that I am overthinking everything and losing sight of what made me say "yes" --FI basically said I should call the venue back and ask for my deposit back if I'm at  this point and he's like maybe we are on two different pages. (This after hours of back nad forth discussions over the days)He is totally shell shocked. I feel terrible, and I'm worried it's just cold feet from me and nothing more. This falls hand in hand with FI believing that I should really know in my heart yes or no and if it's no that we should part ways.

I don't want to walk out on FI. I love him dearly. And I'm sort of surprised and confused by my feelings. Even with FI's snide remarks here and there abotu being annoyed I don't love him (that's his outlet, he makes cold remarks when he's mad) he did suggest that I run this all by my mom--even his mom if I'd want to (but I would never)-- He really wants what's best for me even if it's not him in the end. I 100% believe that, even though in his bravado he can be pretty difficult. And I understand in this instance.

So I talked to my mom today and she said that I need to be 100% sure and that I have a full year to worry about this and to RELAX. That if I'm not sure this time next year, it'sokay. She will help me with the money, she said not to worry about a thing, that all she and my father want is my happiness. I explained to her that I really have 2 months to figure this all out because so much other planning still needs to be done and I would not want to incur any more financial or emotional risk/strain for either FI or me. The financial strain is on me. Let me clarify for you guys. I would not tie up FIs money. My mom said to see how the next few weeks go and to see if I still have anxiety--She also told me to pray--which I dont do enough but I will.

Fi said he never had any cold feet at all. My mother said there was never a doubt in her mind about my father. It's not that I doubt FI--I know he will do his best to provide and build a family. I feel that a lot of this has to do with FIs work being very slow right now and no money coming in. (Fi is self employed) And also because I never lived with a guy before (guess I'm old fashioned). I work full time and do contribute. I do not love the house we live in--I almost resent being there--I know it's terrible, It's a house I never would have picked and here we are paying for it. FI said we can get another house and I'm sure if I pushed hard enough we could have it on the market my next fall.I think if there were more money coming in and if it was a house that I picked I would be happier. He's okay with generally whatever I want to do with it--as all the furniture is his from an old apartment and there's no bit of my "personality" really infused.

I'm meeting with my father to talk about the situation later and to get his advice. As I said, I love FI and wouldn't want to not be with him. FI is very loveable but not always easy to deal with. He does not have any abuse problems or anything like that, if anyone's wondering. --He even called me today on his way from a meeting to see if he could bring me lunch which he's doing.

 Has anyone dealt with similar circumstances? Feeling uneasy?
I love FI dearly and would not want to make the wrong decision here.

Re: need some relationship advice-long

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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You know, you two really haven't been together for that long.  Why is it now or never with him, so soon in the game?  Something feels off to me, and apparently it does to you, too.  If I were you, I'd postpone and try to figure things out without the pressure of an upcoming wedding.
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    edited December 2011
    I would also stop talking to everyone about my relationship. This is something YOU need to figure out. You don't need your mom and your dad to weigh in. THEY aren't going to marry the dude.
    image
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    GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    let me point out the red flags I see, just because, OP, it may help:
    -you've never lived on your own (or w/ anyone not-parental), so don't have the experiences of 'this is how I want to live' (on my own) OR 'this is what sucks/doesn't suck about living w/ someone' to draw from.

    -people are telling you there were zero doubts...(BULLOCKS.  I know my will and needs and wants were stronger than my doubts but...no doubts?  that means that they haven't actually used their brains to critically think about things)

    -Your'e not sure of your own mind--whether your doubts are reasonable or not.


    -Communication issue that you're looking at a lifetime of "so I"m worried about X" meaning "I want to leave you" (it won't just be this)


    -there's much love/Best friend/etc = tolerable for now...that =/= the right person to marry.



     

    I think you should stop planning for a while.

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    edited December 2011
    Not to sound rude, but how old are you and FI?
    I think a lot of people are getting married way too early, before they've even discovered who they are themselves. When I said yes to my FI, I knew exactly who I was and what I want from life and a life partner. If I didn't meet a man who  measured up to that I was comfortable just surrounding myself with great family and friends. You have to be comfortable with yourself. And if there are issues he has to be able to listen to your concerns and vice versa. You should be able to have discussions and different opionions with out belittling each other. That is a no-no, you can't live life like that.
    Everyone has doubts but you have to overcome them and make sure you are making the right decision. If your doubts about your relationship are deal breakers then you need to figure out what you need to do.
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks for your posts. FI is understanding about the living situation. I guess we just need to figure out a plan and go with it. He's all about solutions and he wants me to be able to have my "space," too. That was one of the things we discussed yesterday.

    I am in my late 20's. Fi is in his mid 30's.

    I also have a tendency to overthink things, too. Something I need to work on as well. ButterCookie and MedWards53, you have been especially understanding and helpful. I appreciate that.
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Why IS it now or never with him, though?  Is he in a rush to have kids?  Genuine question.
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    edited December 2011

    I think he just knows that he's ready. Wtih me, at his place in life, etc. He's been in a couple serious relationships, has lived with other girlfriends, but he never proposed before. I do believe he loves me very much and is in love with me. We both want to have kids. He said he knew fairly early on that I was the one.

    The more I think about it, if I ask him to wait another 6 months or a year, I think he will. This conversation just sort of flamed up rather awkwardly, and I know I didn't handle as tactfully as I should have with him. I think he's more worried that he will end up waiting the time and I will end up leaving anyway. FI is 5 years older than me.

    There are some things we need to iron out together which we are working on for sure. as I have said before, I'm happy with him on a lot of levels. I'm just trying to work through this to see how much is cold feet and generalized anxiety about tying the knot itself--and whether there is more going on with me.

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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Okay, that makes sense, that in tense situations people will overstate stuff.  Well, take your time.  If it's right now, then it'll be right in a year or two.
    image
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