Friendly Advice, Please

tmu

I think I might have one of the most untraditional experiences on this site. My husband and I got engaged in 2010. A couple of months after the proposal, I ended my job and after a long search, took another that didn't offer health insurance, which really bothered us. In the summer of 2011, we decided to elope so I could get on his health insurance policy. We got married at the courthouse, took a small weekend roadtrip to the beach to celebrate, and told everyone when we got back.

All this time, we'd been planning on having a vow renewal ceremony and reception in fall 2012 (that's right--a couple of months after our first anniversary, since that's just how things worked out). This was decided before we eloped, because we wanted to have a way to celebrate with our friends and family. (We have a couple friend who did the same thing a few years prior and were inspired by them--although whereas they kept their elopement a secret from most of their guests, we told everyone right away.) 

However, now this celebration is coming up soon. We are finding that we're still not able to afford much, and at the same time, we're moving to a new house and again going through a career change. Oh, and did I mention that we live in a different state than the ceremony/reception site and all of our friends and family? Other obstacles have been popping up as well, like my maid of honor getting scheduled for knee surgery at the last minute.

My parents, although happy with our decision, have encouraged us to push the vow renewal back several years so it won't be as stressful, and to use the money we have saved to go on an awesome honeymoon on our first anniversary instead. Although my husband was ecstatic at this suggestion, and I enjoy parts of it, I have my problems with it as well. We'd have to call everyone and tell them the 2012 vow renewal was off. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by making them feel we don't want to celebrate with them. Some of my family hasn't even met my husband yet, and many of the formal congratulations haven't been made since people were waiting for the vow renewal to do so. Also, since we had planned on having the vow renewal this year, we skipped out on a lot of things during the elopement. It's a beautiful day in our memories, but we didn't dress up or have anybody take pictures of us. We went with the short courthouse vows, since we were planning on writing our own for the vow renewal. I could go on..we haven't even exchanged rings yet.

I would really appreciate getting some friendly advice on this issue. What do you think we should do--go ahead with the vow renewal in a couple of months, or take my parents' idea?  Does anybody have any alternative options? Oh, and do you think it's weird that we had planned to have a vow renewal ceremony and reception a bit more than a year after the elopement anyway? (Wearing the dress, writing our own vows to celebrate, actually taking PHOTOS, etc.) Thanks in advance.

cbradeis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_friendly-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:531bd536-5ae9-4d98-aef4-b61944286e0ePost:ef1ffa7a-a840-406f-a77f-ea8e564bde4d">Friendly Advice, Please</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I might have one of the most untraditional experiences on this site. My husband and I got engaged in 2010. A couple of months after the proposal, I ended my job and after a long search, took another that didn't offer health insurance, which really bothered us. In the summer of 2011, we decided to elope so I could get on his health insurance policy. We got married at the courthouse, took a small weekend roadtrip to the beach to celebrate, and told everyone when we got back. All this time, we'd been planning on having a vow renewal ceremony and reception in fall 2012 (that's right--a couple of months after our first anniversary, since that's just how things worked out). This was decided before we eloped, because we wanted to have a way to celebrate with our friends and family. (We have a couple friend who did the same thing a few years prior and were inspired by them--although whereas they kept their elopement a secret from most of their guests, we told everyone right away.)  However, now this celebration is coming up soon. We are finding that we're still not able to afford much, and at the same time, we're moving to a new house and again going through a career change. Oh, and did I mention that we live in a different state than the ceremony/reception site and all of our friends and family? Other obstacles have been popping up as well, like my maid of honor getting scheduled for knee surgery at the last minute. My parents, although happy with our decision, have encouraged us to push the vow renewal back several years so it won't be as stressful, and to use the money we have saved to go on an awesome honeymoon on our first anniversary instead. Although my husband was ecstatic at this suggestion, and I enjoy parts of it, I have my problems with it as well. We'd have to call everyone and tell them the 2012 vow renewal was off. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by making them feel we don't want to celebrate with them. Some of my family hasn't even met my husband yet, and many of the formal congratulations haven't been made since people were waiting for the vow renewal to do so. Also, since we had planned on having the vow renewal this year, we skipped out on a lot of things during the elopement. It's a beautiful day in our memories, but we didn't dress up or have anybody take pictures of us. We went with the short courthouse vows, since we were planning on writing our own for the vow renewal. I could go on.. I would really appreciate getting some friendly advice on this issue. What do you think we should do--go ahead with the vow renewal in a couple of months, or take my parents' idea?  Does anybody have any alternative options? Thanks in advance.
Posted by tmu[/QUOTE]

In my opinion, if you are financially incapable of having the vow renewal, then don't do it.  Sure it might be hard or embarrassing to reach out to family to tell them it's been cancelled but they are friends/family, they will understand.  (Also, maybe you could ask your folks to help out and make a few calls??).


If you want your family to meet your husband I would suggest having a housewarming at the new house. "Come celebrate our marriage and our new home!!" 

Then, when you are able to have your vow renewal to "officially" celebrate.

The bottom line is you two are married now and building your lives together.  Of course you want your friends and family present to celebrate.  But the most important part of a wedding isn't the party - it's the marriage.  And you guys got that!

Good luck

EDIT - Sorry, just realized you live out of state so the housewarming idea might be out.  Scrap that.  Just focus on the last paragraph!

StarryEyed30

First of all, I'm sorry that you are in this situation...you guys had to forfeit a traditional wedding celebration for very practical reasons.  Unfortunately, I think this is happening more and more because of our country's job situation but that's a whole different discussion board.  Anyways, why not take your time now and plan the celebration you two dream of?  Perhaps you could send out a formal wedding announcement to the people you want to invite to your future celebration.  They will know that they haven't been forgotten.  On your announcement, mention your plans to have a renewal and reception maybe next year (like a save the date).  You two may have had to elope for practical reasons, but make your ceremony something that you will look back on as one of the most special days!  I wish you the best! 

BTCarolus

A wedding announcement is sent specifically to signal to the recipient that the couple is married, but that the recipient was not invited. So sending wedding announcement/STDs would be really, really confusing. I would spread the word via close relatives and friends that you got married for very practical reasons but are planning to have some sort of party to commemorate it (possibly big anniversary party?) when you can afford it.

DG1

Definitely don't go into debt for a vow renewal. Make it a lower-key affair if you want to celebrate and have everyone meet each other. You can still wear a nice dress, white even, though probably not the whole formal ballgown thing. A backyard BBQ can be really nice. Keep it intimate with a guest list of family & close friends to help stick to your budget.

An awesome honeymoon costs about 1/10 (give or take) of a super fancy formal wedding celebration. So even if you can spend 1/10 on the vow renewal and 1/10 on the honeymoon, you're still saving 80% of the super fancy wedding costs. 

Finally, I'll just mention that life doesn't get any cheaper as you move forward. Houses are a money suck, since you are doing all of your own maintenance and home improvement. You're building equity, but it does deplete your cash available. Throw kids into the mix in a year or two or five, and then you really don't feel like you can spend money on a fancy vow renewal.  So I would do a smaller deal sooner vs. waiting for the giant party that might never happen.

StarryEyed30

I guess maybe I was misunderstood....an elopement notice could be sent out; maybe it could be worded differently so people would know that it wasnt a "you werent invited" card.  It could maybe take a lighthearted approach to let every recipient know that they didnt miss out on the wedding festivities and that those will be coming up soon...I do like the idea of a big anniversary party though, instead of a vow renewal/late wedding reception


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_friendly-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:531bd536-5ae9-4d98-aef4-b61944286e0ePost:15fab4b7-72c1-45e7-8242-d7acb02db228">Re: Friendly Advice, Please</a>:
[QUOTE]A wedding announcement is sent specifically to signal to the recipient that the couple is married, but that the recipient was not invited. So sending wedding announcement/STDs would be really, really confusing. I would spread the word via close relatives and friends that you got married for very practical reasons but are planning to have some sort of party to commemorate it (possibly big anniversary party?) when you can afford it.
Posted by BTCarolus[/QUOTE]

BTCarolus

Wow...I just re-read what I wrote earlier...I didn't mean to imply that announcement cards are "you weren't invited, but we're married" cards. Basically, it's only proper etiquette to send announcements to people who weren't invited to the wedding, but who you feel would want to know that you have married. (It's also technically etiquette that you mail them the first day the post office is open after the wedding, but that boat has sailed.) So if I received one, and it seemed to be both saying "we're married" and "we're having a wedding soon" I would be really confused, and I think a lot of other people would be too.

I just totally re-read the OP. I really think that you should do either of two things: A) have a big party this fall, with some wedding elements if you want, but nothing too over the top so that you can afford it. Make peace with the fact that you had and have other priorities, and just do the belated honeymoon thing. I would personally choose option A (and a big but laid back party can be a lot more fun than a wedding!), but since your H is a guy I can understand why he'd really go for option B. If you go w/ option A, remember you can always save up money for the honeymoon for next year.

My reasoning is that basically, after over a year, it's already getting a bit iffy to be doing a big wedding party. In fact, other people on TK get flamed for saying that they're doing it *all* the time (go check out this post (<---- link) on the registering and gifts board, as just the most recent example). I think that, in some situations, if it's done sensitively, it works. But if you put this off now, you're going to wind up crossing from the "acceptable and understandable given the circumstances" territory, into "why are they trying to have a wedding if they've been married for years?" territory.