Wedding Woes

Surname Crisis

My fiance and I went yesterday to get out marriage license for our January Wedding. After a review of our personal feelings, discussion with our parents, and review of some messaging boards we opted to both take the same last name in the format: Hisname-Myname. The reason for this being that I need to keep my name for professional reference, we wanted the same last name, this was what sounded better, we are both the lasts of our name on either side of the family for our entire extended family, and we felt this would respect his family more because they were first and if we were to get lazy in the future we would likely drop my name not his.

Well, not only did the women at town hall try to tell us this was illegal, which it isn't in NYS, but when we got home his Dad lost it on us saying we were utterly slapping him in the face with disrespect. He seems to feel that since my last name is last that that is our real last name, and that when we have kids they will only have my last name. While we talked about the change many times prior he seemed to think we were joking, and while he has expressed his dissatisfaction in the past it was a simple "I just don't like it but do what you want" without being harsh. Now he is livid...

I am starting to second guess this decision, and am just in general very frustrated by this because he has become very hurtful since this decision was finalized. Were we wrong in making this choice? Has anyone else made this decision or had similar issues in name choosing?

Re: Surname Crisis

  • It's your name. You get to pick. Not his dad, not random civil servants, not strangers on the internet. YOU. 

    Whatever decision YOU make for YOURSELVES is the right one, because you made it. Tell everyone else it's none of their business. 
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  • One of our regs did the same and I have a IRL friend who did the same.

    In both cases, I have no idea which last name belongs to which person.

    If your FIL determines your level of respect for him by his last name, he's BSC.  Do what you and your FI want, how you want.  Screw 'em.
  • in general, people will have opinions regarding anything you do. some people will even share their opinions with you. it doesn't mean you have to agree with them or do what they say.

    in the end, ditto Varuna. do what you and your FI want, how you want.
  • i think hyphenated names are stupid. 
  • also, opinions are like assholes - everyone has one, and most of them stink. 
  • In Response to Re:Surname Crisis:[QUOTE]It's your name. You get to pick. Not his dad, not random civil servants, not strangers on the internet. YOU.nbsp;Whatever decision YOU make for YOURSELVES is the right one, because you made it. Tell everyone else it's none of their business.nbsp; Posted by baconsmom[/QUOTE]

    This exactly. And I am at least one of the regulars that did that. We didn't get any guff from family over it...but both sides know that they really have no say over it.
    imageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
  • and some people will enjoy rubbing it in your face.
  • GeorgiousGeorgious member
    First Comment
    edited December 2012
    I know it is my decision but I suppose I just don't want to go into a marriage with this frustration. The civil servant yesterday wanted me to be Myname-hisname, and him hisname-my name so even with that 'legal' naming we would still be Mr. and Mrs. hisname-my name so I would assume that us both taking that is more respectful that taking what my version would be. 
  • It's only a frustration if you let it be.  A simple, "I'm sorry you feel that way about this.  Our decision has been made" and moving on is the best thing you can do.  Stop double thinking a decision you and your FI made based on what you feel is the proper thing to do.

    And I'd call the courthouse and complain.  The civil servant doesn't get a say in how you do this.  
  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2012
    please to be changing ALL your names, friends-style.  you could also be crapbag and princess counsuela banana-hammock.

    (sorry to fil -- that's STILL hyphenated)
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  • DG1DG1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2012

    Respectful? This baffles me. Your FIL is showing you zero respect, and you owe him none in return.

    It's your NAME. He doesn't freaking get a say, and what are you going to do at this point to NOT be frustrated about it? Change your mind? Take your husband's name outright? Would that not be frustrating? 

    If this situation is too fraught with frustration to marry under, then you need to reconsider getting married. Because the next situation will be your kids' names, and where you live, and how much everyone's parents get to visit. They get no say in any of that, but they don't seem to be aware of their boundaries. So why don't you draw some clear ones for them already?

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_surname-crisis?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:562e3f01-504c-46ef-a025-9b0fc265ab10Post:35727205-f477-4dd5-a7a5-9ec0a44d1f34">Re: Surname Crisis</a>:
    [QUOTE]Respectful? This baffles me. Your FIL is showing you zero respect, and you owe him none in return. It's your NAME. He doesn't freaking get a say, and what are you going to do at this point to NOT be frustrated about it? Change your mind? Take your husband's name outright? Would that not be frustrating?  If this situation is too fraught with frustration to marry under, then you need to reconsider getting married. Because the next situation will be your kids' names, and where you live, and how much everyone's parents get to visit. They get no say in any of that, but they don't seem to be aware of their boundaries. So why don't you draw some clear ones for them already?
    Posted by DG1[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You make a good point, and I know it's something that will subside. Certainly not something to not get married due to, just added baggage. But who doesn't have that! 

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_surname-crisis?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:562e3f01-504c-46ef-a025-9b0fc265ab10Post:f3ce058a-7272-4524-83fb-3114be23c39e">Re: Surname Crisis</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Surname Crisis : You make a good point, and I know it's something that will subside. Certainly not something to not get married due to, just added baggage. But <strong>who doesn't have that</strong>! 
    Posted by Georgious[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Millions of people with parents who respect their children and their children's future spouses do, actually. </div><div>
    </div>

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  • edited December 2012
    MY FIL gave my husband a bit of flak when he found out I wasn't taking his name. H shut him down really quick and told him it was my decision, not anyone else's. I don't understand why some people think last name= respect. By that logic, does my mom disrespect her family because she changed her name when she got married? Do celebrities or immigrants who change their last names to be more memorable or easier to spell disrespect their families?Nobody thinks that, so why is it that when a woman doesn't take her husband's name, or her husband chages his, it's a "respect" issue? 

    OP, have your FI tell his dad that he doesn't have to like it, it's not his name and doesn't affect him at all. And ask him what exactly about a last name makes or breaks respect. I'd like to know.  
  • Now it's becoming more of an issue becasue my FIL has now reached out to his entire family, which for the most part is backing his demand that we change our names. Meanwhile, my mom is livid he is taking it this far and is saying that if we back down on our decision she will lose respect for us entirely. So frustrating... I don't think I owe anyone the respect to change it since I am getting none in return but wish there was a way to get family harmony back for the holidays and the wedding in less than a month!
  • This is simply not their decision.  I don't give one crap who says otherwise.  If you let his family make a decision for the two of you now, it will happen again.
  • Salsera29Salsera29 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2012
    I completely agree with PP. It's YOUR NAME and you get to decide. That being said, I understand your frustration...it's really hard when family members are being selfish.

    Maybe this will make you smile...my future last name is 1 letter away from a slang name for boys privates. And I'm a teacher. Of elementary school children. So that's going to be fun. :-)
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