Invite or not invite newly engaged friend's FH?

Iceangl105

Hey all, this is the first time I have posted and I have two problems I need help with.  A friend of mine got engaged over the weekend, while I am very excited for her, I am now worried I will have to invite her FH to the wedding. The wedding is may 30^th, the invites went out at the beginning of april and are due on may 1^st but I still have not received her RSVP.  To explain the guest list situation my parents and my FI’s parents went a lil overboard and we invited more ppl than we can afford, so we need to get some declines and there is no B-list, so its not like I can add him to the b-list if someone declines. She did ask me several months ago if she and her bf got engaged before the wedding if she could bring him and I said I would have to see. there are a lot of people who have asked if they can bring dates (including a BM, I will explain that drama in a minute) and we have had to say sorry but our guest list is just too bloated.

 

Now to explain the BM situation. This BM has been seeing this guy casually for about a year and recently it turned serious (I have actually heard from several other BMs that they turned serious specifically so she could take him to my wedding). I have a VERY STRIKED no date rule unless you are living with your SO or engaged. She says that b/c she is a BM she should be allowed to bring her SO, but only 1 other BM (I have 6 total) has a date and they have been together for a very long time and my FI and I are very good friends with him. So to sum it all up, I have a very tight guest list that really cannot accommodate 2 more ppl, what should I do and what should I say to these two girls? Thanks for any help you can give me I really appreciate it.

ReturnOfKuus

striked.

Mrs.Thistletwat

1) it's STRICT

2) you can't pick and choose who get's to bring a SO. You invite one person of the couple then you invite the couple.

baconsmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_invite-not-invite-newly-engaged-friends-fh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:5ed23ca9-d5e3-43eb-a264-5700f1ec112dPost:8a6b0759-1e98-41f4-a611-83c2772fb342">Invite or not invite newly engaged friend's FH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey all, this is the first time I have posted and I have two problems I need help with.   A friend of mine got engaged over the weekend, while I am very excited for her, I am now worried I will have to invite her FH to the wedding. The wedding is may 30 th , the invites went out at the beginning of april and are due on may 1 st but I still have not received her RSVP.   To explain the guest list situation my parents and my FI’s parents went a lil overboard and we invited more ppl than we can afford, so we need to get some declines and there is no B-list, so its not like I can add him to the b-list if someone declines. She did ask me several months ago if she and her bf got engaged before the wedding if she could bring him and I said I would have to see. there are a lot of people who have asked if they can bring dates (including a BM, I will explain that drama in a minute) and we have had to say sorry but our guest list is just too bloated.   Now to explain the BM situation. This BM has been seeing this guy casually for about a year and recently it turned serious (I have actually heard from several other BMs that they turned serious specifically so she could take him to my wedding). I have a VERY STRIKED no date rule unless you are living with your SO or engaged. She says that b/c she is a BM she should be allowed to bring her SO, but only 1 other BM (I have 6 total) has a date and they have been together for a very long time and my FI and I are very good friends with him. So to sum it all up, I have a very tight guest list that really cannot accommodate 2 more ppl, what should I do and what should I say to these two girls? Thanks for any help you can give me I really appreciate it.
Posted by Iceangl105[/QUOTE]

<div>In general, people not married/living together/engaged are not considered social units for the purposes of etiquette, and you are in the clear to not invite them. Friend's FH, as a fiance, needs to be invited. Someone won't show, don't worry.</div><div>
</div><div>I'll assume that there's no B-list because OF COURSE you wouldn't be so tacky. I'm feeling charitable. Enjoy it.</div><div>
</div><div>Finally, WTF is "very striked"? Do you mean STRICT? Because - oh, Jesus, I don't even know. That's the most bizarre misspelling I've ever seen, and I have seen some doozies. Those words don't even sound alike, unless you live where they've managed to mangle English beyond recognition. </div>

Wonderw1fe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_invite-not-invite-newly-engaged-friends-fh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:5ed23ca9-d5e3-43eb-a264-5700f1ec112dPost:8a6b0759-1e98-41f4-a611-83c2772fb342">Invite or not invite newly engaged friend's FH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey all, this is the first time I have posted and I have two problems I need help with.   A friend of mine got engaged over the weekend, while I am very excited for her, I am now worried I will have to invite her FH to the wedding. The wedding is may 30 th , the invites went out at the beginning of april and are due on may 1 st but I still have not received her RSVP.   <strong>To explain the guest list situation my parents and my FI’s parents went a lil overboard and we invited more ppl than we can afford, so we need to get some declines and there is no B-list, so its not like I can add him to the b-list if someone declines.</strong> She did ask me several months ago if she and her bf got engaged before the wedding if she could bring him and I said I would have to see. there are a lot of people who have asked if they can bring dates (including a BM, I will explain that drama in a minute) and we have had to say sorry but our guest list is just too bloated.   Now to explain the BM situation. This BM has been seeing this guy casually for about a year and recently it turned serious (I have actually heard from several other BMs that they turned serious specifically so she could take him to my wedding). I have a VERY STRIKED <font color="#ff0000">[??] </font>no date rule unless you are living with your SO or engaged. She says that b/c she is a BM she should be allowed to bring her SO, but only 1 other BM (I have 6 total) has a date and they have been together for a very long time and my FI and I are very good friends with him. So to sum it all up, I have a very tight guest list that really cannot accommodate 2 more ppl, what should I do and what should I say to these two girls? Thanks for any help you can give me I really appreciate it.
Posted by Iceangl105[/QUOTE]

You couldn't be more wrong if you tried. Tell them they can't bring their men, but be prepared for people to talk badly about you.

LnR70707

If they are engaged you invite both of them.

Love is Bald

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_invite-not-invite-newly-engaged-friends-fh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:5ed23ca9-d5e3-43eb-a264-5700f1ec112dPost:d2889f8f-cfbc-420d-acad-992489cf0494">Re: Invite or not invite newly engaged friend's FH?</a>:
[QUOTE]1) it's STRICT 2) you can't pick and choose who get's to bring a SO. You invite one person of the couple then you invite the couple.
Posted by Mrs.Thistletwat[/QUOTE]

Hm. Agreed 100%.

Iceangl105

hey ya sorry i have horrible spelling issues, lol. thanks for the spell check

hmonkey

this gives me the hammy downs.

GBCK

well, it's hard to make STRICT rules on things that involve human beings--hence shades of gray.

But the first person?
You're not even AT the RSVP due-date yet--you can't start harassing people until AFTER the RSVP date.  So take a pill for a second. 

But really, you can't find ANY way to fit 2 more people in?  Because she had a serious BF who became her FI...it's kinda crappy to say "oh, you weren't engaged by my deadline, he's nobody"
Did you invite over-capacity or something?  because realistically, if your venue can handle 150 people and you invite 150 people , there WILL be some declines.  As much as I tell people to NEVER count on people declining, I have a hard time thinking that adding in FI1 and date2 is going to move you over 150

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_invite-not-invite-newly-engaged-friends-fh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:5ed23ca9-d5e3-43eb-a264-5700f1ec112dPost:8a6b0759-1e98-41f4-a611-83c2772fb342">Invite or not invite newly engaged friend's FH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey all, this is the first time I have posted and I have two problems I need help with.   A friend of mine got engaged over the weekend, while I am very excited for her, I am now worried I will have to invite her FH to the wedding. The wedding is may 30 th , the invites went out at the beginning of april and are due on may 1 st but I still have not received her RSVP.   To explain the guest list situation my parents and my FI’s parents went a lil overboard and we invited more ppl than we can afford, so we need to get some declines and there is no B-list, so its not like I can add him to the b-list if someone declines. She did ask me several months ago if she and her bf got engaged before the wedding if she could bring him and I said I would have to see. there are a lot of people who have asked if they can bring dates (including a BM, I will explain that drama in a minute) and we have had to say sorry but our guest list is just too bloated.   Now to explain the BM situation. This BM has been seeing this guy casually for about a year and recently it turned serious (<strong>I have actually heard from several other BMs that they turned serious specifically so she could take him to my wedding</strong>). I have a VERY STRIKED no date rule unless you are living with your SO or engaged. She says that b/c she is a BM she should be allowed to bring her SO, but only 1 other BM (I have 6 total) has a date and they have been together for a very long time and my FI and I are very good friends with him. So to sum it all up, I have a very tight guest list that really cannot accommodate 2 more ppl, what should I do and what should I say to these two girls? Thanks for any help you can give me I really appreciate it.
Posted by Iceangl105[/QUOTE]

Really?  You think that your party drives other people's relationships?

Of course, there are some truly stupid people out there, so there may be something to this.

GBCK

(I had a reading comprehension fail.. You did overinvite.  You said so)
Wow...your bad. 
You need a contingency plan...because what happens if you do NOT get your appropraite number of declines?
How many are you talking here?  Are you saying "squeeze in 5 more, grab some folding chairs" or are you saying "if 10% doesn't decline, the fire marshall will shut us down?"

Iceangl105

ok maybe i should be more clear about the guest list. i know i am going to get a lot of flack for this but my parents and my FI's parents invited more ppl than we can afford (my FI and i only invited 50 ppl its our parents that are inviting almost 100 each), its not a venue issue, its a money issue. we invited 245 people when we really could only afford 200. so thats why we really cant squeeze more in b/c we dont know if 45 ppl will decline. also the reason why girl number 1's bf wasn't invited initially is because she is in my sorority and i told all of them the only way i could invite all the active sisters was if none of them had dates, which they all were ok with. and i know i am not at the rsvp date, i am chill, my only thing with that is i am worried she will rsvp for her and her now FI when the invitation was only to her with out me having a chance to talk to her about this.

Blueyed228

I got lost when you said you didnt give your bridal party dates.

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_invite-not-invite-newly-engaged-friends-fh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:5ed23ca9-d5e3-43eb-a264-5700f1ec112dPost:1fef6fc6-4d5b-48bc-8481-b1af28c508ba">Re: Invite or not invite newly engaged friend's FH?</a>:
[QUOTE]ok maybe i should be more clear about the guest list.<strong> i know i am going to get a lot of flack for this but my parents and my FI's parents invited more ppl than we can afford (my FI and i only invited 50 ppl its our parents that are inviting almost 100 each), its not a venue issue, its a money issue</strong>. we invited 245 people when we really could only afford 200. so thats why we really cant squeeze more in b/c we dont know if 45 ppl will decline. also the reason why girl number 1's bf wasn't invited initially is because she is in my sorority and i told all of them the only way i could invite all the active sisters was if none of them had dates, which they all were ok with. and i know i am not at the rsvp date, i am chill, my only thing with that is i am worried she will rsvp for her and her now FI when the invitation was only to her with out me having a chance to talk to her about this.
Posted by Iceangl105[/QUOTE]

Whose money are you spending?

Iceangl105

and @Heffalump, im not so egocentric to think my party drives relationships, however, i am the first one in my sorority to get married so people are really excited about it and want to share it with as many people as they can.

Iceangl105

@ms. conn both of our rents are splitting the bill equally between them so thats y we didn't make a big issue about them inviting 100 ppl each, but we did warn them that this would happen (that 20 percent decline thing is not always right) but they didn't listen to me.

LnR70707

I'm not sure which to give the bigger side-eye, the fact that you over-invited by 45 people or that you are actively in a sorority while planning a wedding you can't afford.

baconsmom

L&R, I think it's the fact that 4 - FOUR! - grown-ass adults are incapable of sticking to a budget. Of course, that shows you where she gets it. 

hmonkey

this part
[QUOTE]and @Heffalump, im not so egocentric to think my party drives relationships, [/QUOTE]

totally contradicts with this part.
[QUOTE]however, i am the first one in my sorority to get married so people are really excited about it and want to share it with as many people as they can.
Posted by Iceangl105[/QUOTE]

your problem is inviting more people than you can afford.  either dig into savings, put it on a credit card or tell him to byof, byob, and byoc.

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_invite-not-invite-newly-engaged-friends-fh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:5ed23ca9-d5e3-43eb-a264-5700f1ec112dPost:366a8bc3-919d-448a-b8cb-dbe67192a389">Re: Invite or not invite newly engaged friend's FH?</a>:
[QUOTE]and @Heffalump, im not so egocentric to think my party drives relationships, however, i am the first one in my sorority to get married so <strong>people are really excited about it and want to share it with as many people as they can</strong>.
Posted by Iceangl105[/QUOTE]

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

NOLABridesmaid

Who put the stamp on all of the invites, because you didn't have to mail them to everyone they wanted to invite?

6fsn

Someone in a sorority doesn't know strict?  I'll deal with the other crap never.

baconsmom

You know, I always had this idea that sorority girls were upper-class, well-to-do, snooty-ass bitches who read Emily Post and Miss Manners to learn how to freeze people out over using the wrong fork.

I'm glad to learn they're just as tacky-ass as anyone else. 

LnR70707

You don't have a very big registry for 245 people...are you hoping that will force people into giving you cash to help pay off the wedding debt?

[Deleted User]

First of all, if you really think people would get engaged just to attend your wedding, you really are full of yourself.

She is engaged, and not inviting her FI is rude. Not inviting your other BM's SO is even worse because they are in a relationship. This is entirely your fault, because you invited too many people. Since so many people want to 'share your day' with you, or whatever you said, you should have accounted for this regardless of who is paying.

Suck it up and invite them. Since it's your fault anyway, you get to pay for the 2 extra people and hope some other guests decline.

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_invite-not-invite-newly-engaged-friends-fh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:5ed23ca9-d5e3-43eb-a264-5700f1ec112dPost:2d65559c-e666-412a-bdf7-0e2cfc37ac09">Re: Invite or not invite newly engaged friend's FH?</a>:
[QUOTE]You know, I always had this idea that sorority girls were upper-class, well-to-do, snooty-ass bitches who read Emily Post and Miss Manners to learn how to freeze people out over using the wrong fork. I'm glad to learn they're just as tacky-ass as anyone else. 
Posted by baconsmom[/QUOTE]

Oh, bmom. You couldn't be more wrong.  They are upper-class, well-to-do, snooty-ass bitches who drink and fvck and buy their friends and tell each other what brands of clothing/shoes/makeup/stockings is or is not acceptable, all in the name of making other people feel like wastes of space.

odelay

I'm dealing with a similar type issue.  We have the room, just not the money to pay for the two extra guests my FSIL wants to invite.  I would say that you have to invite the newly engaged fiance because they are a unit and the SO of the BM, even if you have already done the seating chart, do not have the extra money, nor the extra room.  I would either find a larger venue or cut down on the alcohol to accommodate the extra guests.    

Blueyed228

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_invite-not-invite-newly-engaged-friends-fh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:5ed23ca9-d5e3-43eb-a264-5700f1ec112dPost:ca4cb5bf-78f6-4e96-8eaa-ed48fcc7c73d">Re: Invite or not invite newly engaged friend's FH?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm dealing with a similar type issue.  We have the room, just not the money to pay for the two extra guests my FSIL wants to invite.  I would say that you have to invite the newly engaged fiance because they are a unit and the SO of the BM, even if you have already done the seating chart, do not have the extra money, nor the extra room.  I would either find a larger venue or cut down on the alcohol to accommodate the extra guests.    
Posted by odelay[/QUOTE]

If it is going to cause a huge problem with in-laws, I would suck up the extra 2 people. 

quotequeen

I don't understand why you don't just pay for these two people yourself.

PharmacyBride

I am a firm believer in inviting people with dates.  It is the best thing to do for your guests.  It is not surprising that they are upset- I would be.

I am sorry you have so much stress before your wedding.  Maybe you can tell her it depends on how many declines you get.  I am sure she didn't get engaged just to get the invite nor did your BM get serious with her boy for the invite.  If those comments were stated- it was probably sarcasm.

IMO- short of adding them to the list- there is nothing you can do to help them understand your decision or keep them from being mad.  You sort of knew this from the beginning when you decided to be so strict- I am just not sure you were prepared for the negative talk.

Good luck.  Remember- you can't make everyone happy.  Enforcing strict rules almost always sucks (whether for your wedding- or in the future as a parent).