Huge Dilemma HELP!!

brittbecker1

My fiance and I are really struggling with what to do. We recently got engaged and planned on not getting married for 2 years (we both wanted a long engagement as we are just settling down after travelling for a few years). But his Mum has cancer and is not sure as to how long she has left. So we decided to move our wedding to October 2012 and in Canada. (I am from Canada and my fiance is from Australia and we currently live in Australia). So his sister basically convinced us to get married before October, I agreed under the condition that we keep it very small as my parents and sister cannot afford to make the trek to Australia at such late notice. I am VERy close to my family and I am upset that I have to walk down the aisle without them. But I want to do this for my fiance and his mom. But... his Mum and sister are against a small intimate wedding, they want a proper wedding and I expressed to my fiance that I am not comfortable with this since I don't have a single person that I am close to here in Australia (we just moved here) to witness my marriage and my family is sooo important to me! I don't even have my dad to walk me down the aisle for my wedding. My fiance feels terrible as he is caught in the middle. His mum got extremely upset with us after we expressed that we wanted a small wedding just for her, since we are only having it to please her. But she got very angry and hung up the phone and now says that she doesn't want to talk to us about a wedding. I feel terrible, as I did not mean to cause such a problem, I was only expressing how I felt and I don't want to regret anything later on. I also feel that I am letting my family down too, my Mom is upset that she can't be here too. I need advice! Please help us. I can't think of anything that will solve this problem! We are really in a predicament! HELP! 

KatoNorway

I take it that FI's mom can't make the trip to Canada?

I guess I'm a little confused that your willing to have your mom & family miss your wedding to appease FMIL. I mean, I understand that you moved it up so she could share the celebration, but it just seems so drastic that it's either your family or his.

I would wait a few days before approaching her again. And I would let your FI deal with her. He needs to explain to her your wishes. She might just be disappointed. Sometimes, people need a day or so until they realize how unfair they are acting.

pillsburyaj

It sounds like you are a people pleaser and want to accomodate everyone (full disclosure: I am the same exact way). What is comes down to is this: you are already moving the wedding up considerably for your FI's family, so you should not have to also have a big wedding to please them. Like the PP stated, you should probably let it rest for a few days before broaching the subject again. Good luck!

automaticflowers

In full agreement with 1covejack. Presenting a united front will make things easier on you, and he should be the one to handle his family. I can't imagine your FMIL would be so unfeeling to not see your side of things (how awful would she feel if the tables were turned?), so your fiance just needs to sit down with her and explain why you both came to the decision to have a smaller wedding - because of those concessions made so she can be there.

Good luck to you!

brittbecker1

I agree that my FI and I should be making the decisions. MY FI has been great! He has been standing with me on this. 

No my FMIL can not travel to Canada as she is sick with cancer and we pushed the orginal Canadian date forward becuase we weren't sure how much longer she has with us, after finding out that she is not allowed to travel to Canada at all. So now she wants a full proper wedding here in Australia just for her before our orginal wedding in Canada. This is what I am unsure of, I really only want to get married once. I feel like it just won't feel the same doing it twice. I feel bad that I feel this way because my FMIL is sick so I want to do it just for her, but then I also feel that I need to think about what my FI and I want as well. She told us if we really loved her we would do it for her. 

I feel sooo guilty, I feel like I am being selfish in a way, but on the other hand we weren't even going to be getting married until October 2013. I feel like everything is so rushed. I am also afraid that his family will no longer talk to me if I decide otherwise. I have also only known his family for less than a year so I still dont feel fully comfortable around them. I am not the type to cause drama, I hate fighting and disagreeing with people. 

We have also tried to make a compromise with his Mum. We even suggested having a huge engagement party/pre-wedding reception for her so that she could celebrate with all of her friends and family but there just wouldn't be a Ceremony. But this was not good enough for her either. I think I am having such a difficult time making the decision becuase of her health. I want her to be happy in her last days and I also want my FI and her to be on happy terms if heaven forbid anything happen to her. 

We are defintely giving her a few days to cool down. Thank you to everyone for your advice!! We need all of the help we can get!  

automaticflowers

I'm so sorry you're in such a tough situation.

Not to be all me, me, me, but here's an idea: Regardless of the size of your Australian wedding, if you're planning on having another to-do later in Canada but feel weird about two weddings, try changing up the ceremony. My fiance's grandmother is 83 and might not be in good shape for travel, so we originally planned to have the first ceremony in New York where my family is, then have a second smaller one here in Washington state for fiance's family. He did not want to get married twice, as he put it, so to somewhat appease him while still involving his grandmother, I had been working on a completely different ceremony so it wasn't as boring or weird for us. Something you want to include at the first wedding, but don't because it either doesn't fit or there isn't time? Use it in the second. Just another day to announce your commitment to each other, and in a way that is still special for your family since they won't be at the first one.

KatoNorway

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_huge-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:684167e4-a1b6-4762-bbd8-3ae20bc5a32cPost:08720b16-05d4-4638-93b6-45d890dc232d">Re: Huge Dilemma HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that my FI and I should be making the decisions. MY FI has been great! He has been standing with me on this.  No my FMIL can not travel to Canada as she is sick with cancer and we pushed the orginal Canadian date forward becuase we weren't sure how much longer she has with us, after finding out that she is not allowed to travel to Canada at all. So now she wants a full proper wedding here in Australia just for her before our orginal wedding in Canada. This is what I am unsure of, I really only want to get married once. I feel like it just won't feel the same doing it twice. I feel bad that I feel this way because my FMIL is sick so I want to do it just for her, but then I also feel that I need to think about what my FI and I want as well. She told us if we really loved her we would do it for her.  I feel sooo guilty, I feel like I am being selfish in a way, but on the other hand we weren't even going to be getting married until October 2013. I feel like everything is so rushed. I am also afraid that his family will no longer talk to me if I decide otherwise. I have also only known his family for less than a year so I still dont feel fully comfortable around them. I am not the type to cause drama, I hate fighting and disagreeing with people.  We have also tried to make a compromise with his Mum. We even suggested having a huge engagement party/pre-wedding reception for her so that she could celebrate with all of her friends and family but there just wouldn't be a Ceremony. But this was not good enough for her either. I think I am having such a difficult time making the decision becuase of her health. I want her to be happy in her last days and I also want my FI and her to be on happy terms if heaven forbid anything happen to her.  We are defintely giving her a few days to cool down. Thank you to everyone for your advice!! We need all of the help we can get! :) 
Posted by brittbecker1[/QUOTE]
Yikes Brittney. I don't know how your side of the family is going to feel about a "do over" ceremony either. It gets kinda tricky with etiquette. Personally,  I would still attend the 2nd wedding if you were my friend. I'm just saying that most people consider "do over's" strange and even "gift and attention grabby." Once your married, your married.

I think that a nice blessing (religious one, if you are) or exchange of vows with FI mom & immediate family only (FI's brothers & sisters) would give her a chance to be part of some sort of a "ceremony." (Since she won't go for the engagement celebration party.)  Otherwise, have  your wedding there, and then do what's called a vow renewal at home in Canada. (You can have a ceremony & reception, but etiquette says you should fore-go all "wedding related" things such as showers, bachelorette parties, garter toss, ect. This is because you are already married.)

Whatever you decide to do, please be honest with everyone. If you have a "do-over" wedding in Canada, do not be deceitful about your wedding ceremony in Australia.

As far as FI's mom spouting out, "If you really love me," what a bullsh&t guilt trip. Your love should not be dependent on her control of your & FI's life. Sometimes, all you can say in reply to that is, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and drop it. Don't feed into her crazy talk, because any conversation from that point on will do no good. She's being irrational. She's using her situation to get what she wants and has zero concern about your & FI's feelings. You are never going to make people like that happy. There will always be something. Plus, your own self-worth and self-esteem are at sake when you constantly put their interests before your own.

At this point, FI needs to explain to his mother what both your wishes are. But you guys need to be on a united front. DH & I also had to compromise on some of our wedding wishes to appease some family members, but once we decided to go forth with the compromise, neither one of us carried any resentments. I would hate for you and your FI to compromise on something that neither of you want to do and carry a lifelong resentment against those family members. So whatever you decide to do, make sure that your going to be okay with the outcome with it.

You & your FI have suggested many compromises, if she's not willing to meet you half-way, then she will need to live with that. At least you know in your heart that you tried. Good luck to you and keep posting on TK. I have gotten some real helpful advice here for my own wedding and family drama.

Peace- Kato

brittbecker1

Thanks Kato! You advice is sooo helpful! My fiance and I just really wanted to get an outsiders point of view! Thank you so much I feel so much better with all of the support we have been getting on here!  

KatoNorway

No problem. Good luck. I really hope things work out for you!