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Please help!

I need some advise pronto!! I am a 30 year old bride to be, and my fiance and I are planning our wedding for fall of 2012. I went dress shoping with my mom, and was waiting for her to offer to help me pay for my dress. She never did. I am not comfortable asking her, but now it is eating me up inside. I talked with my dad earlier on the phone, and told him about it. He too, did not offer any help or advise. I feel selfish, but I am the only girl in my family, and I do not think I am completely wrong for wanting my parents to offer up SOMETHING????? I just don't understand......

Re: Please help!

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    Different families feel differently about this.  It is disappointing if you expected help, but if they're not offering it, they're not obligated to.  Just move on and start figuring out your wedding budget without their help.  If they offer anything later, it'll be icing on the cake, but you won't end up disappointed.  Sorry hun:(

    Note:  To anyone who's reading this OP and getting ready to write a bitchy/snarky comment back, take one second to think about how you'd like people to treat you.  Just a thought,
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_please-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:7ae3e414-e3e4-4aa9-8021-53424de2f0acPost:9c25ea42-7955-439e-bfa9-bf9e4491797f">Please help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I need some advise pronto!! I am a 30 year old bride to be, and my fiance and I are planning our wedding for fall of 2012. I went dress shoping with my mom, and was waiting for her to offer to help me pay for my dress. She never did. I am not comfortable asking her, but now it is eating me up inside. I talked with my dad earlier on the phone, and told him about it. He too, did not offer any help or advise. I feel selfish, but I am the only girl in my family, and I do not think I am completely wrong for wanting my parents to offer up SOMETHING????? I just don't understand......
    Posted by lolagay[/QUOTE]

    you're 30 years old - this is disgraceful. 

     if you're "mature" enough to get married you shouldn't be relying on your parents' financial support. you'll need to pay for your own dress - and if you can't afford the one you want, you'll need to postpone or find something else.
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    DG1DG1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment

    Yep. Bummer to be disappointed if you expected her to help some. But it sounds like they are definitely not promising anything at this point. It's best to go on as if you are paying for the whole wedding yourself. Then if they *are* in a position to help later (and they want to), you have extra money either to be responsible with (house downpayment, pay down debt) or have fun with (extra excursions on your honeymoon?).

    Be grateful they aren't overpromising. There have been MANY posts on this board from brides who say "My parents said they would give me $xyz (or pay for florist/photographer/venue/whatever) and now the wedding is 2 weeks away and they say they don't have the money!"  Those brides are SCREWED.  You are not.

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    Pay for your own dress, and your own wedding. If they give you money, consider it a bonus. But don't ask for money - that's tacky as hell. Especially since you're older than 16.
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    amy2k4amy2k4 member
    First Comment
    edited January 2012
    I understand you're dissapointed.   My fiance and I are not in the position to pay for 100% of our wedding but we are taking on a lot of the finances.  I did want to ask, have you spoken to your parents on whether they want to help?  They may be assuming your in the financial situation to cover your own wedding.  My fiance and I spoke with both of our families sepaerately to discuss if they were willing to help and if so, how much they are comfortable with, ect.  It may be a better option than just assuming that they will or will not offer any help.  That way, all the cards are layed out on the table and no feelings will be hurt due to misunderstandings. 
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    Do not bring it up. If they want to give - GIVE - you money, they will bring it up. 
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    amy2k4amy2k4 member
    First Comment
    edited January 2012

    It's how my Fiancé and I did rit ight at the beginning of our engagement and it worked well for us. However, that's just how our families work. We aren't shy of discussing finances, ect. They don't mind helping with the wedding within their means but don’t necessarily understand the ins and outs of planning since we're the first children to have a traditional wedding. Because of this, they expect us to let them know when we need help or else they assume we will take care of it. So we discuss it and know exactly where we stand without any disillusionment.
    Obviously, you can't be upset if the answer is "no" or less than what your hoping for but atleast you wont wait around expecting something you'll never get. 

    Understandably, this option isn't for everyone and family dynamics are different across the board. I'm just offering another solution that may work.  But you should really know what works best for your own family dynamic.

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    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_please-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:7ae3e414-e3e4-4aa9-8021-53424de2f0acPost:5cb973a6-ee0b-4110-ba2a-1a4e7ccece18">Re: Please help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Please help! : you're 30 years old - this is disgraceful.   if you're "mature" enough to get married you shouldn't be relying on your parents' financial support. you'll need to pay for your own dress - and if you can't afford the one you want, you'll need to postpone or find something else.
    Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]



    This.
    Pay for your own dress! It makes no sense that in 2012 women are still asking daddy to flip the bill.
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    To be fair, her mom is partially responsible for making her the entitled brat she is, so maybe she deserves to be hit up for cash.
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    dharmabunnydharmabunny member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_please-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7ae3e414-e3e4-4aa9-8021-53424de2f0acPost:fefad3a0-00f1-401b-a93d-0d354420fceb">Re: Please help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Different families feel differently about this.  It is disappointing if you expected help, but if they're not offering it, they're not obligated to.  Just move on and start figuring out your wedding budget without their help.  If they offer anything later, it'll be icing on the cake, but you won't end up disappointed.  Sorry hun:( Note:  <strong>To anyone who's reading this OP and getting ready to write a bitchy/snarky comment back, take one second to think about how you'd like people to treat you.  Just a thought,</strong>
    Posted by katehar01[/QUOTE]

    OK.  I took my second.

    What part of "we're not buying the dress" did you not pick up on?

    OP, you're 30.  You're not 17 anymore when you can drag your mommy shopping, show her something, and say "isn't it pwitty moooommy?" and have her buy it because it's for her wittle girl.

    I outgrrew this little manipulation a long time ago when I was a big girl enough to buy things for myself.
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    Have you guys talked anything about wedding budget stuff? Had she previously mentioned buying the dress? 
    Maybe just sitting down and saying "we are working out our budget and are trying to figure out where we are at. I just wanted to know if ya'll wanted to contribute anything, just so we know what we are working with. You dont' have to feel obligated at all, we just need to know where we stand on our budget". 
    I understand the difficulty of not knowing. My parents just gave us a lump sum and said "do what you want" so I'm supplementing it with my own money, but FI's parents haven't mentioned a word about anything, except to point out that they didnt' pay anything for his brother's wedding 10 years ago, so I figure if they do give us anything, it's just extra and i"m not going to plan on financial help from them.
    Good luck! :) 
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    Don't mean to rag on you or make you feel bad but you really shouldn't expect anyone even family to give you money. It's one thing to be offered the money it's another to feel like you are obligated to it. I agree with *Barbie* if you are "mature" enough to get married, you are a grown ass woman... 30!...  you should not be asking or expecting any kind of money. If you can't afford your dress buy something you can or find other means of purchasing it.
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    *dharmabunny.....thank you so much for your kind words and advise. I really do appreciate "useful" advise, that comes from a good heart, and not a nasty one. That being said, I am fully aware that I am going to be footing the bill on my own. I have been on my own for a very long time, and am finacially set in my relationship. I think it was more the principle behind the whole thing. My fiance's family is offering to help in any way they can. This does not mean money....just help. My family has not spoken any words of offering any type of help. It would be nice, is all. I am so blessed to have the stability in myself and my fiance. I am very close to my mom, and will probably have a conversation with her much like what Kayleaandwes suggested. Thank you again for the kind words. I am above nasty responses, and do not care to use immature curse words to get my point accross. God Bless my <kind> fellow, future brides!!!!!

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