Autistic Brother?

AshBiez

Not sure if I'm in the right spot, so if I'm not, point me in the right direction!

We're getting married next August (2012) and we started playing around with our guest list last night. I think that's when it hit home for my man that his autistic brother would not be able to be a part of our wedding. He cannot speak and must live in a group home, he is not very high-functioning. He is 21 years old.

Does anyone have any ideas on ways we can include his brother in some way? It doesn't have to be on the actual wedding day, I don't think, but we need to do something special. 

My guy kept saying "its just not fair" through his tears last night and it broke my heart. I'm determined to make this a special day for EVERYONE in our families now!!

Thanks in advance, everyone

blahblah85

I work in a group home.  Just because his brother is "low-functioning" does not mean he cannot be involved with the wedding itself.  Can he walk in a straight line, and stand for a half an hour to fourty-five minutes?  Well, then you got yourself a potential groomsman!  Even if he can't stand he could go down the aisle in his chair or scooter. You could have him walk down the aisle, then sit down in a chair.

You will be able to involve him as much as YOU are willing.  This really has nothing to do with what he can do, it has to do with you not writing him off as a 'helpless retard'. 

I'm sorry if I am coming off as kind of bitchy, but it drives me nuts that people seem to think that intellectually disabled, or autistic individuals are completely unable to do anything. 

NOLABridesmaid

I guess I'm not clear. Do you mean he won't be in the wedding party or he won't be attending the wedding at all?

I have an aunt with special needs that lives in a nursing home. My family makes arrangements before any major events and an aid comes with her. She doesn't stay more than an hour or two, but she is always included in major family events.

You can still include him in the program and he can be in the wedding party without standing in the front, if he isn't able. Your FI can have a special moment with just the two of them when the guys are getting ready, and your photographer can capture it on film.

I think you should talk with his parents to get their opinions.

AshBiez

His brother isn't able to sit or stand quietly for more than about five minutes. He yells a lot. I have no problem including him, but it won't be possible for him to be in the wedding party and I think gonig to the ceremony or reception would just be overwhelming for him - he seems to get uncomfortable or aggitated by people he doesn't know.

I just didn't know if anyone had a similar experience and could offer up a special something we could do before or after the wedding day itself with his brother. 

I was not trying to be insensitive or writing him off as a helpless retard. And I REALLY don't appreciate having those words put in my mouth. Its simply a situation that I was hoping to get some guidance on so I could approach his parents with some ideas already.

My fiance loves his brother VERY much, and wants him to be included, as do I. We are just trying to come up with a special and unique way to do so since he cannot stand up as part of the wedding party.

I guess I will look elsewhere for help. Thanks.

LizziebeeUT

Don't worry, you didn't come across that way at all. You seem to genuinely care about him being involved.

Are you having a rehersal dinner? If not, I would suggest doing one with just his family and have his brother there. If you are having one with a lot of people, and your afraid that it may be overwhelming as well, maybe just try an intimate family gathering before the wedding.

Sometimes its just not realistic to think that people can be involved in everything. The point is that you care, and you can find things not directly related to the ceremony or reception for him to be a part of.

*Barbie*

what is your FI's opinion on having his brother participate? He and your FILs should be able to determine the brother's capabilities better than a group of internet strangers. you should talk to them about this.

i didn't really like the vibe of your OP either - it seemed condescending.

Frogger5

I didn't have any problem with your original post! I have worked with children and adults with many different kinds of disabilities, and you are very right to consider your FI's brother's abilities and tolerances in this kind of situation. You clearly didn't say that he can't do ANYTHING, and made a point of saying that you want it to be a special day for everyone. A wedding is loud, full of strangers, it's out of the normal routine . . . there are lots of reasons why his brother might really not be able to attend much less participate, and if this is the case, trying to force it would not be beneficial to anyone at the ceremony/reception or the brother. I think the idea of having a dinner with just people he feels comfortable with would be a great way of celebrating with him, whether it's before or after the wedding. Good luck!

nannewmur

My maternal grandfather could not come to my sister's wedding b/c of a stroke and very limited mobility (wedding was also in Jan.)  My grandmother dressed my grandfather up in his suit and photographer met my sister and BIL at my gparents' house and took pictures.  What about doing something similiar to that?

One question that I don't think has been asked is if your FH's  brother would be comfortable going to the rehearsal dinner and any part of the wedding or reception.  If brother is not comfortable, I would let it be. 

PS and I didn't see any problem with your original post and think you are very kind hearted for thinking of your FH and future BIL in this situation!!  Definiately talk it over with your FH and the BIL care giver who may be able to give you some insight!

dharmabunny

I didn't think OP was being condescending at all. Simply realistic about the brother (if not maybe unimaginative) Could you talk with the group home folks and find out things he likes to and can do, activities that he enjoys, see how you can fold that into the whole wedding process. Say, if he can make a food or drink, he could make his specialty, do table decorations or flowers if he likes that sort of thing. I like the idea of an aide or caretaker to help out with bro as needed so he can be tthere for ceremony and maybe pics, maybe the reception in a quiet area. And there's someone to take him home when he's just had enough of the day. Or an intimate (fam only) rehearsal dinner or morning after brunch.

kmmssg

I didn't have a problem with your original post and I am the mom of a "high-functioning"  (Aspergers') autistic son.  I really hate that term.

I think the picture idea would be wonderful if you think it can be made to work.  Your FI would have pics with his brother on the wedding day, your new BIL won't be overly stimulated or in a situation that makes him uncomfortable.

klm03013

I think pictures with his brother would be a good idea, or a family dinner as a PP said. Maybe your FI can plan a special activity just for the two of them before the wedding- sort of like a bachelor party just for the two of them.

KellyS01

OP - I didn't have an issue with your original post, either.  It makes me smile that you want to have him involved but are aware of the limitations.  I work with special needs students so I can somewhat sympathize with your situation and wanting him to be involved.

You mentioned that he can sit/stand quietly for a few minutes.  Would it be possible for him to walk in with his brother just until you were able to walk down the aisle?  He could then exit to the side and maybe watch the wedding from a video monitor somewhere (or Skype from the sanctuary to another room in the church) where he is not with a crowd and where there is a lot of noise?  This would give him the freedom to make any noises that are natural for him but also allow him to watch the wedding. 

Being that your wedding is a little over a year away, would you be able to start practicing this with him now?  Say maybe once a week go to your ceremony site and do a "walk through" of your FBIL's job so it becomes normal for him?  Maybe as the date gets closer start having some random people around when he is doing his walk through to better simulate the actual wedding day?

Kudos to you for wanting a way to make this work for EVERYONE!  I am sure it means the world to your FI!

Best Wishes!

Aquarian342

I agree with the majority of the people on here in that his brother should definitely be involved in something with the family.  A "family wedding dinner" of sorts would prob be a good idea, and if he pays any attention to pictures on a regular basis then I think having pics of you guys dressed up all together with him involved at the dinner would be a nice gesture so he has memories of his involvement in the wedding as well.

My fiance's brother has Aspergers and a minor learning disability, but he is very high functioning.  Still, due to this he has difficulty handling public places for too long, even small family gatherings.  He has to be distracted by something (video games, etc) if he is going to be involved.  He is the best man and will be standing up with us but most likely will have to get himself home after dinner to keep his sanity (he will also be 21 at the time).  I have been so wrapped up in our planning that until reading this post, I honestly did not think in detail about his reaction to the wedding as a whole, so thank you!

I think the best thing would be to simply discuss with your fiance how you want to talk to his mother and his brother about the plans for the night, and be very open with his brother about what those plans actually are so he can mentally prepare for it all. 

renjon7798

I worked in a group home and had a teenage autisic boy with similar behaviors.  We dressed him a tux and two of us went to the wedding with him.  The groom (the boys father) met me at the beginning of the asile, then walked him down the asile to where the groom would wait for the bride.  The boy carried the pillow with a "ring" on it.  My co-worker was at the front of the church and when the groom reached her, she took the boy and quitely walked him down the side of the church.  He walked his father down the asile and gave the "rings" to the best man.  The father was in tears the whole time.  In fact, I don't think there was a dry eye in the house.  We took the boy back to the home, and the father and his bride stopped by the next day and did their wedding brunch with him.  It was wonderful and went off without too many issues. 

prettyfacegal

That is very sweet to read that the young man partiicipated in such a special way.

AshBiez

Thank you to those who have been supportive. I really think I'm going to work out a dinner at my Future In-Laws home maybe two days before the wedding, where we can all dress nice and take a few photos. I just don't want to do anything to cause extra stress for my future Mother in Law, as she worries about the brother a lot (understandably so! especially with him not living at home).

My first post was written in the throes of the emotion of seeing my fiance so torn up about this. I'm not at all saying he shouldn't have this reaction, it simply caught me off guard because we were joking and laughing the moment before!

I strongly believe that weddings are a family event, and EVERYONE who can participate should be involved. 

I learned today that the brother is able to handle short trips out to restaurants, so that is an option, but again, I don't want to push him too hard and turn a good idea into a bad thing! 

I love the idea of "practicing" eerything so it becomes normal. Unfortunately our ceremony site is almost an hour and half away from the brother's home But perhaps if we decide to do the dinner somewhere besides the groom's parents' house we can start going to the restaurant every now and again with the brother!

Thank you so much for the positive ideas. It means a lot. And I know it will mean a lot to my future in laws as well as my fiance. ♥

It would mean the world to everyone if the brother were able to participate on the actual wedding day - so fingers crossed that we can work something out for that, but I'm glad I have a few options to suggest now, too!