how do I unask or politely kick out a bad bridesmaid

Slider_852000

I have a friend who I asked to be a bridesmaid we are not very close hang out a few times every so months were hanging out more because of the wedding planning but my other girls don't care for her much and she is driving me nuts. She always changes the subject to things about her when I try to talk to her about stuff for the wedding or see if she had ideas on things that are kind of stressing me out and she never knows if she will have the money for her dress which needs to be ordered next month now. she also says she cant take time off for the wedding and works overnights so she would be sleeping when we are doing errands to get ready the week of the wedding. Than there was the issue of my bachelorette party we had a year before the wedding so a friend from out of state could attend. She was going to come early and help my maid of honor set up and she showed up 2 hours later because she went to get her nails done stayed for a game and went home than met us at the club for a hour drank two beers and went home. A few months ago I tryed to tell her if she does not have the money I would totally understand if she cant be in the wedding but that didn't work. I don't know what to do I would still love to invite her to the wedding but everyone agrees she should not be a bridesmaid and I am so worried she will just cause me stress as I get closer to the big day and on the day. 

RaptorSLH

You don't.  There is no polite way to do this; it is a friendship-ending insult, and will earn you a "bridezilla" label if done for anything less than the most dire of offences.  

I think it's time to cut back on the wedding talk.  Give her the deadline for the dress, and the date of the wedding.  If she fails to order the dress, or take time off for the wedding, she has taken herself out of the wedding party.

Do please consider how much of this may be legitimate financial problems and work issues.  My father worked nightshift, so I'm sympathetic to her missing things for that reason.  If you've never done it, it's harder than you think.  If she is tight on funds, and you believe this to be a legitimate concern, have you offered to help cover the dress?  And you definitely should not be gossiping with your other friends behind her back.

The offences you list are petty, and many of them are not the sort of things you should be offended by.  Your friendships should be more important than the amount of money they make, the shift they work, or the errands that aren't their job in the first place.  Rethink your priorities.

RebeccaB88

She hasn't done anything wrong.  All she has to do is get the dress and show up clean, sober, and awake for the wedding.  If she doesn't do those things, she takes herself out of the wedding. 

zitiqueen

There is no polite way to tell somebody they aren't devoting enough of their life to your one-day party.

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_unask-politely-kick-out-bad-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7cc73c37-9d13-4243-afbe-8cc0a1603339Post:04831abe-a339-4166-892c-821c72152884">Re: how do I unask or politely kick out a bad bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]There is no polite way to tell somebody they aren't devoting enough of their life to your one-day party.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Word.

bandjwedding2012

You can't kick her out because she doesn't fill her every waking moment caring about your wedding. Night shift workers are tired during the day, just like day shift workers are tired at night. It's easy to miss things and it's unfair to hold that against her. If she has until next month to order her dress, and your worried because she hasn't why did you give her a deadline of next month? If money is tight for her, did you take into consideration the price of the dress when you picked it out? Why not let her pick something in the same color but more within her price range.
  Also, I think it's a shame that you and your other bridesmaids talk about her behind her back. It shouldn't matter that they aren't all buddy-buddy with each other. They don't have to be, they are there because you and them felt the friendship was great enough to have them stand up and bare witness at your ceremony.
   If yor kick her out or ask her to step down you will end your friendship, there is no going back from there. Also I would never attend the wedding of someone who asked me to be in their wedding and then kicked me out. Be prepared for that if you decide to kick her out.

FreeSpirit666

I'm on your side, I had a friend who had to dimiss a BM because she didn't support her relationship(different i know but) It's your day & you should be with people who wholeheartedly support you & for one day, put aside their differences. You only get one shot. Just let her know what she's been doing & u nless things change, you'll have to let her go.

bandjwedding2012

   When you invite other people to your wedding it stops being just your day. No ons is required to be as excited about your wedding as you are. Your bridesmaids jobs are to buy the dress and show up. They aren't required to plan your wedding with you, or run errands. Have you ever considered all you do is talk about the wedding. She's probably sick and tired of hearing it and that is why she changes the subject. Try asking her about what's going on in her life. Just because your planning a wedding doesn't mean the rest of the world stopped spinning. 
   Ignore bad advice, this isn't a job you can't just fire her. If you want to start paying her and then fire her go for it.
  I do agree with Freespirit on only one issue. Everyone should suck it up and act like grown ups for the wedding. Which means you and your bridesmaids need to stop talking about someone behind their back. If you hear it put a stop to it. Say something like I'm not asking you to be friends with so and so, but for one day I am asking you to be there for me and at least pretend you get along.
  Bottom line you don't get to fire, or let someone go. You asked her for a reason, if you kick her out say bye bye to your friendship and trust me word with get around about what you did. Guess who is going to look like an idiot, certainly not your friend.

LilCheriePineapple

I hate to say it, darlin', but you shot yourself in the foot on this one. Even if she hasn't been the most involved or supportive, there's no going back now. You're going to have to work with her, or risk even more drama brewing for what could be YEARS to come. I'm just wondering why you asked her in the first place since it doesn't look like you were especially close anyway...

tmchnhssctrc

Basically, if she wanted to be a bridesmaid she needs to consider that she is expected to help out, bridesmaids dont just get to wear the dress and look pretty they actually have to help and care for you.  So just let her know that she only has until a certain day to gt her dress, and she needs to start participating or she you can find something else her to do, or not be in at all.. Believe me i am experiencing that now!!

Missaj1101

I agree with tmchnhssctrc and FreeSpirit666. When you ask someone to be in your wedding,  you're basically saying to them that you want them to play a special ROLE in your special day. You should know that when you ask, and they should know when they accept. Though, it doesn't mean your whole friendship is now nothing but wedding talk, they must know that you are going to discuss it frequently, as it goes along with accepting that ROLE. As for the late nights working, and as a result her not being able to participate or stay awake... I would be a little more sympathic if she wasn't 2 hours late after getting her nails done. Truthfully, I would cut her. If it makes me a brideszilla, so be it. I asked you as a friend and wanted you to be my support system, if you knew you couldn't handle the job you should have told me. As for your friends not liking her, it's important they get along, but all that matters is if you like her. At the end of the day, it's your day! Eliminate the extra stress!