s/o shaming people in public

MinM

On one of the plane ride for my conference last week, I was behind a child who was ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE. She was bopping around in her seat so hard that my tray was shaking. She was standing in her seat - flailing her arms around (hit me once) - was opening and closing the blind on the window - etc.

I got so tired of it, I slammed by tray back into the seat. Her mom turned around and said sorry. I told her I didn't want an appology, I wanted the child to behave properly.

Mom told the kid to stop AND THE KID STARTED CRYING! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!

Clearly this child is not used to being told what to do. As a result, she doesn't know how to act right. I don't know who I feel more sorry for - the kid, the mom, or the world who is going to inherit this child.

**O-Face**

BENADRYL.

loveshine1

I feel sorry for everyone but the mother. That's her doing, 100%. It is her responsibility to teach her little brat to behave.

TheDuckis

At least mom had the sense to try to do something about it. When a similar thing happened to me on a public bus, the kids' dad threatened to get off the bus and "have a few words" with me. Then he grabbed my 16yo cousin hard enough to leave a bruise on her arm. Great example he was setting.

loveshine1

Parents sometimes get PISSED when you call them out on their kid's bad behavior. They take it personally, as they should.

The proper reaction is, "I'm sorry" and them disciplining their child. Not "do you want to step outside?".

fishgirl77

That kid sounds like the sister of the kid that kicked the back of H's seat the entire flight we were on last Christmas.  Kid's mom knew we were both displeased (I could feel the kicking too), apologized to us, but at no point told the kid to stop kicking.  She just tried to distract him with toys.

Did I mention every toy he was given made noise?  Lots of it?

MinM

Why do kids love to kick seats? I hate this. Especially when the child is on the parent's lap. Restrain your child.

loveshine1

If a child can't behave, they don't belong on airplanes. If a child acts like a spaz in a restaurant, what makes parents think that their child will behave in a confined space for a couple hours?

But God forbid parents give up their trips because of a bratty child.

*Barbie*

I had a kid behind me that was kicking my seat and throwing a tantrum when DH and I were going on our honeymoon.  It was a 2.5 hour flight, and the kid started as soon as the plane was up in the air. I let it go for a few minutes, and as soon as I could tell the mom wasn't doing anything to shut the kid up, I turned around and told her that she needed to calm her kid the "f" down - and if she didn't, she could be sure that he will have learned several new (4-letter) words by the end of the flight. 

DG1

How old was this kid?  I promise the parents aren't any more excited about having their kid in a confined space than you are.

We tell Dexter "no" all the time. That doesn't stop him from throwing a fit every time he hears it.  This morning, I wouldn't let him play with my vitamin box. That's right, I had to take away the box filled with multiple adult doses of multivitamins, C, Calcium, and my favorite antidepressant. He threw himself on the ground and screamed.

And, honestly, it doesn't have to be big dramatic jumping around for your tray to shake.  Heck, adults in front of you will shift their weight and make your tray shake.  (And yes, maybe the kid WAS being extra rowdy, but this just isn't necessarily the evidence that proves it.)

And aren't you the same people who gripe about parents who never do anything after they become parents?

And, while the parent shouldn't have needed you to tell her to  slamming your tray up? Isn't that a little passive aggressive?  Use your words like a grown up.  (And, really Barbie? Throwing in the F word on your first comment, then threatening more, just a few minutes into the flight?  Unnecessary and juvenile.  You can start with a polite request and escalate from there as you see fit.)

hmonkey

for realz.

shifting weight =/= jumping up and down in the seat and hitting you, fyi.

DG1

No. But I do think you guys would think I was the world's worst parent based on some of these responses.

Have you guys forgotten basic civility?  I mean, "Calm your kid the F*** down or else!" vs."Is there anything I can do to help you calm him down?" or even "Could you guys please keep it down back there?" 

Really?

hmonkey

as barbie mentioned, it was clear that mom wasn't doing anything to calm or distract the child, so "is there anything i can do to help" would be the furthest thing from my mind as well.

btw, from my perspective, both of your "examples" are about ways that your child has inconvenienced you, privately, rather than at the world at large. 

eta -- your other example being about dexter, vomiting and clothing.

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_shaming-people-public?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7db8ca8e-2fec-42f8-8ea7-0f767f73d4fdPost:be67e05e-e3dc-47ed-9e96-ed7f7a1c1a40">Re: s/o shaming people in public</a>:
[QUOTE]for realz. shifting weight =/= jumping up and down in the seat and hitting you, fyi.
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]


I said that, and I should have commented on the hitting her, though I'm not really sure how that's possible unless the kid was climbing over the seat. 

I did acknowledge that the kid was probably rowdy, just that movement "so bad my tray was shaking" wasn't a tough threshold to break.

MinM

I slammed my tray to get the mother's attention. She knew the kid was behaving badly, because she appologized. Yes, trays shake with even the smallest movement - but this kid was really laying it on thick. She hit me, remember. She was licking the window!

And I didn't yell and I did use my words. I asked her to get her kid under control - which she was perfectly capable of doing, and should have done in the first place. I was shocked at the kid crying - big fat fake I didn't get my way - tears.

MinM

The mother wasn't repecting me (by letting her child act like that), so why should I go out of my way to lend her a hand.

And yes, the child was sticking her hand behind her seat and she hit me.

Shaking the tray wasn't the only thing that this child did - I mentioned others. This child was out of control. My nephews are about her age and they know better than to act like that. You don't jump in your car seat - you don't jump on your plane seat. You don't lick anything, ever. You don't hit people. Simple things that this kid should've known.

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_shaming-people-public?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7db8ca8e-2fec-42f8-8ea7-0f767f73d4fdPost:1c00879c-4083-4d91-b35c-eb6bb00823e7">Re: s/o shaming people in public</a>:
[QUOTE]as barbie mentioned, it was clear that mom wasn't doing anything to calm or distract the child, so "is there anything i can do to help" would be the furthest thing from my mind as well. btw, from my perspective, both of your "examples" are about ways that your child has inconvenienced you, privately, rather than at the world at large.  eta -- your other example being about dexter, vomiting and clothing.
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]


Dexter also cries when I don't let him demolish displays in stores.  Is that a better example?  I can't always just leave him at home. I do try to make the trips as short as possible, but if we're at Target picking up a prescription (for him, perpetually on antibiotics - more bad parenting on my part, I suppose), I need to get the prescription, not take him home because he "won't behave."

I'll also go back to my "how old was this child" question?  If it was a school-aged child, or even a 3 or 4yo, I might have a different response.

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_shaming-people-public?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7db8ca8e-2fec-42f8-8ea7-0f767f73d4fdPost:b0ce8e19-5c94-429d-98fe-1a6965d6c90a">Re: s/o shaming people in public</a>:
[QUOTE]The mother wasn't repecting me (by letting her child act like that), so why should I go out of my way to lend her a hand.
...
 My nephews are about her age and they know better than to act like that. You don't jump in your car seat - you don't jump on your plane seat. You don't lick anything, ever. You don't hit people. Simple things that this kid should've known.
Posted by MinM[/QUOTE]


I thought your goal was to have a peaceful flight, not be all "tit for tat" with the mother.  The best way to do that would be to take the high road for 5 minutes. In the end, it might not work at all, but you'll probably get a better result than just telling her to control her kid.

As for the latter - again, how old are we talking?  Dexter licks everything. Do you really think I'm OK with that and don't try to teach him NOT to lick everything?   Niece, on the other hand, never even tried to lick anything.  I guess her parents are better than I am.

hmonkey

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: s/o shaming people in public : Dexter also cries when I don't let him demolish displays in stores.  Is that a better example?  I can't always just leave him at home. I do try to make the trips as short as possible, but if we're at Target picking up a prescription (<strong>for him, perpetually on antibiotics - more bad parenting on my part, I suppose</strong>), I need to get the prescription, not take him home because he "won't behave." I'll also go back to my "how old was this child" question?  If it was a school-aged child, or even a 3 or 4yo, I might have a different response.
Posted by DG1[/QUOTE]

and to think -- this is your new perspective.

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_shaming-people-public?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7db8ca8e-2fec-42f8-8ea7-0f767f73d4fdPost:e4694f2f-0817-4706-ae67-1cd31fce7858">Re: s/o shaming people in public</a>:
[QUOTE]i dunno, i think there's some miscommunication here. just because a kid is crying doesn't mean a parent isn't trying to do anything about it. i would think that the difference between a parent who is sitting there saying and doing nothing while a kid is carrying on is pretty different from a parent who is trying to do the best they can with a kid who is acting up/crying for whatever reason. i think the problem is that it's frustrating when a kid is misbehaving (kicking the seat in front of him/her) and the stranger has to say something to the kid because the parent isn;t saying anything.
Posted by Wifezzilla[/QUOTE]

No, what was explicitly stated was that if a kid cries when he hears "no," then the parents don't tell him "no" very often, that the kid is only disciplined in public, when prompted by strangers, to keep up appearances.  I can assure you that isn't always the case.

MinM

This child had to be at least 3 or 4. The mother didn't try to control the child, at all, until I said something. Had she been telling her child no, etc., I wouldn't have said or done anything. The bad parenting was doing nothing, basically letting the child think it is OK to lick windows, kick seats, hit people, and put their feet on things they don't own. The mom was just sitting there.

fishgirl77

With seat-kicker, we got an apology from the mom for inconvenience, but at no point did she tell seat-kicker to stop.  And, even with distractions, the seat kicking continued.  If she knew the kid was out of line enough to apologize, then the kid was out of line enough to have to stop.

Honestly, I don't think it's that difficult from context to figure out if a crying child is used to be disciplined or not.  If a parent lets seat jumping continue for half a flight, I'm going to assume not.

loveshine1

I just caught up.

For me, there's a big difference between parents ignoring/not paying attention to their misbehaving children, and parents who are actually trying to control their kids and distract them.

Mrs M

I have been the parent whose kid cried for about 10- minutes at the end of a flight.

 My daughter was tired. She was not hurting anyone, just crying. I gave her snacks, drinks and her toys. The lady behind me started tapping me on the shoulder and started handing my kid a snack- a lolipop of all things- she was only 1 at the time. I thanked the lady but told her "She is just really tired- I am sorry she is crying" THe lady was like"Well are you sure she is tired and not hungry- let her have a lolipop" OMG the kid is 1- she can not have lolipops- I was giving her snacks and she did not want them- she had a bottle of juice she did not want and she does not want her toys- she wanted to sleep but was overly tired and could not settle and needed to cry a bit. She cried for 10 minutes and fell asleep. This lady kept insisting I did not know what I was doing and that my daughter needed a lolipop.

 As a parent my kid would be jumping around because I would restrain them. I am very mindful of bad behavior. I think what you did was well within limits- and I think the way the lady responded to me was beyond what she should have done. She had her son with her who was about 8, so I guess he never cried or she forgot.  Airplanes seem to bring out the worst in people- both parents and the party that is annoyed. If I were a parent and you had done that to my child I would have thought you were well wthin reason if my kid was acting that terrible.