Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Woes
twilight_desire
member
The Secret Elopement vs. The Fake Ceremony
in Wedding Woes
My fiance and I got engaged a few months ago but have been together for years. We have talked about getting married for awhile now and have been really excited about it. However, our parents both think we are a little young to be getting married so soon, and--since we were both content with being patient--we decided to wait for a end-of-the-year 2011 wedding.
More recently though I heard rumors floating around that, once confirmed, changed our original plan. Since my fiance and I joined the military one of our biggest concerns has been being able to be stationed together in the future. I was told by a few military couples I know (and now have had confirmed by my unit) that unless we had been married for a year by the time I got out of my training we would have a much lower chance of getting stationed together. Since my extremely long job training ends about February 2011 that would require that we be married no later than by February 2010. Suddenly our perfect plan and date turned out to be way too late. To avoid disappointing our families (who would both be quite less than content with a small ceremony as opposed to the extravagant ones they desire) and do our own thing the way we want...we decided to elope this month to get the legal business out of the way and go through with the ceremony our families desire in November 2011. The catch is we're not telling a sole (except his best man who's filming our secret ceremony), and we plan to go through with the 2011 ceremony as if we are just getting married then. Even though we will have been married already by the time the ceremony rolls around, we want our families to be pleased and believe they're apart of the ceremony so they're not offended. And he and I can have our own little ceremony just between us (which we would honestly much prefer anyways)...and no one has to know.
Think we're ridiculous?
I'd love to hear some advice and opinions of other groom- and bride-to-bes. I won't lie; I'm a little anxious about hurting my family members' feelings if they were to ever find out, but I would love some encouragement.
Please let me know what you think. I'd love any thoughts on our plan!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: The Secret Elopement vs. The Fake Ceremony
These things are a matter of public record, things that are offical like that have a way of finding themselves out and letting everyone know the truth.
So, have your elopement--you have good reason for it. And have a 'vow renewal'. But it is much MUCH better to be honest w/ everyone than to lie to them and have them learn the truth later.
You get a *small* pass for being military, meaning that most people won't side-eye you for eloping now and having a vow renewal in a couple years. You need to sit down with your families and discuss your concern about getting stationed together. Maybe they'll surprise you and support your decision to get married sooner.
Or maybe you really are too young. How old are you?
Crap...I Mean Crafts
Here is advice and encouragement coming from someone who has experienced this....My fiance/"secret husband" and I have already done exactly what you're considering. He is in the Army as a Green Beret and I am still going to graduate school. He proposed in June 2008. We had been together for 5 years, so we knew without a doubt we wanted to get married when he proposed. I didn't have insurance and needed help with school expenses, and as you know, the Army can help in those areas. There was also a possibility of him being deployed and he wanted to be 100% sure I was taken care of. Our "for real" wedding is in 18 days, but we have really been married for 11 months now and we don't regret the decision one bit.
Good luck and God Bless. Thank you for you and your fiance's dedication to our country!!
I understand what everyone else is saying about being honest and not trying to hide anything. Believe me, all of those things went through our minds also. But it's different when you're actually in the situation. We both have big families, his southern and mine Greek; both very in-your-business, nosy types where there are NO secrets, ever! Everyone is very close, and, most definitely wouldn't stand for a courthouse ceremony. I knew that if anyone found out, they would be so crushed and it'd cause an uproar. I was quite worried about going through with it. The more we talked about it, the more we still felt that it was the right thing to do. We prayed together and really considered all the consequences of both options. In the end, we did what we felt is best for US, no one else.
If you both know for sure that it's what you want to do, then I think it's a great idea. And believe me, it doesn't take away from the excitement of the actualy wedding at all. Not to mention, during the process, you get to collect B.A.H, which is very helpful!
I bypassed an engagement period, no parties, no ring just business since it is only the legal part and people do that separately anyway. But hanging around my family and his once he left was difficult and heart breaking. It is harder to deceive the people you love than you realize.
We ended up telling everyone a few months later just because if we waited any longer it would be even harder and more people would feel hurt.
We expected harsh judgement and people telling us what a mistake we made but instead we were met with love and understanding and now we are still having a wedding in a church with all the traditions.
You dont need to feel like you are sacrificing anything wedding wise or marriage wise if you elope and then do a big ceremony later. As long as you are honest and forthcoming with your families they will be nothing but happy for you and your fiance. Trust in their love and understanding.
Things get tough in military life and those of us who choose to live this way arent always given the luxury of doing things the way others do in civilian life. You and your fiance need to show whatever branches that you are affiliated with that your relationship is real and binding and the only thing they understand is paperwork. So give them the paperwork and leave the magic to the later date in Novemeber.
God bless
Being military does make a difference, but not that much that I'd let lying about it slide. A lot of people will probably be hurt if you lie. And trust me, no matter what anyone says, eventually someone will find out.
Also, I hope you check the "rumor" with the military and don't just rely on what someone told you. There's a military brides board here that you might find helpful.
I agree you might get a *small* pass for doing this because you are military, but be honest about it, and call it a vow renewal in 2011. You don't get two "weddings" - you get married once.
40/112
You expressed that you want the big party for your family to be happy. I am willing to bet that your family thinks the big party is what YOU want and deserve and that YOU won't be happy without it. TALK TO THEM. They can still have a big party when you have a church blessing or vow renewal, but once you are married, you are married. There is no good reason to hide it from your family.
And PPs who did this, you expressed that you KNEW your family would be pissed if they found out. Why not just tell them up front and the reasons for it. Stop hiding from reality and your family. If you manage their expectations from the beginning, and act like an adult who is capable of handling a mature relationship, then they may be more inclined to see it your way. I think hiding a marriage from your family is cowardly.
First, that's not how you would like for them to find out, but I work in health care and have seen it happen and second, I'm sure that if you guys have a good solid relationship that your families will be more supportive than you know.
I understand if you don't want to tell everyone, but I think just your parents and those close to you should know.
I had friends that did the same thing for other reasons and it WAS much easier in the end for paperwork, insurance, taxes, etc. and their families were totally supportive. Most of their friends and extended family didn't know and never had any idea. They didn't have a big ceremony and at first the families were hurt that they "thought" that there was some big ceremony and they had missed it, but when they found out that it was a small JOP ceremony they understood and got behind the planning 100%.
Good luck!
So- I think you should go for the elopement and get all the paperwork in order to make life easier for you! We've got to make the crazy military system work for us since we can't change it. But I do think that you should tell your families, while they may react negatively at first, at least you won't be living with the guilt of keeping this big secret and hopefully they will understand. Good luck with everything!
[QUOTE]You get one wedding. You can choose to have the big pretty white wedding when your parents are willing to pay for it, or to have a quickie elopement for practical reasons. You cannot have both.
Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]
Why, exactly? Not trying to be combative, I just don't really get why you think that. To me it makes sense to do it quckly if there's a deadline, but have a ceremony later. I've known several people who have done that for various reasons (insurance, Peace Corps, military).
it's a bad idea to lie about it. I understand your reasoning for wanting to have the legal part solidified, but if you are going to do that then be an adult and tell your family about it. They might not all have positive reactions, but if this is a decision you are going to make, then own it instead of hiding behind a bunch of lies that will bite you in the ass eventually.
My fiance and I are actually going to have a brief civil ceremony (maybe with our parents) and our "real" wedding when we can. Due to schedules (nothing like being in the military, but still crazy work stuff!!!) we dont know when we can have our "real" wedding and want to have something in Feb. Invitiing our parents to come celebrate (even if they dont come to the ceremony). Also a chance for them to see where we live and meet each other. Eek!!
I recommend being open with folks. People at work are starting to know as are some of our friends. No one seems offended.
Of course, we have been dating forever and engaged just over a year. But still, truth is always good in my mind!
Good luck!!!