Wedding Woes

Part 5

MIL and FIL need a break from each other, a vacation or some sex.  I mean, H and I squabble, but holy hell do they need some time doing something fun or apart from each other.  Part of the issue is MIL's 1/2 brain - she forgets everything and I think FIL is frustrated repeating himself 10x, esp. when it costs them money.  The other issue is that MIL has no outlet - no friends, no social life, no job, no nothing - so she feeds off FIL's day/life like a leach.  No wonder he locks himself in the study and reads/studies for hours.  You know he's probably in there playing Minesweeper.

At the lunch/program, I counted no less than 12 bumpits.  

Also, *that* lady was at the lunch.  You know, the one who has to hug everyone there, even if she doesn't know you or even if she hugged you earlier that day.  Must.hug.everyone.  She attacked the dessert line and some people saw her coming and switched to the coffee line.

Church - my visit has reaffirmed that (1) I don't like going to church b/c I'm just not that friendly, (2) I'm way too liberal for any church like that, to the point I would switch religions, and (3) all churches are the same - same gossip, same people, etc.  I just have no faith anymore.  I'm too critical and to believe that the Bible, a book, written by man, just like every other, is the word of God?  Kinda too far fetched for me to even try to believe.  And I just don't care - I'm supposed to pray to a God I don't necessarily believe in for your cousin's daughter's friend's mother's coworker?  Really?

Pickle #1 - I know H will want to go to church at some point.  Telling him I've lost my faith will create a major, major problem.  Like divorce worthy problem.  For him, IMO, it's a dealbreaker.

H has never known his biological father.  He is aware that one existed and FIL adopted him, but has never known the biodad or had any desire to know him.  In fact, there's been a lot of hatred for the biodad.  It's not something we discuss, but I have asked once or twice about the biodad and H was pretty short and dismissive about continuing the conversation.  MIL told me this weekend that she was going to contact the biodad to ask about family health history for DD.  Instead of finding a phone number, she found an obituary from 6 years ago.  She's puzzled about if she should tell H, or just write it in a letter and lock it up with her will.

Pickle #2 - Do I broach the biodad subject w/H?  I know if MIL tries to tell him he won't have the patience to listen and won't be in the right environment to express whatever feelings he may have about the situation b/c MIL will be staring him in the face.  However, I don't necessarily think it's my place to tell him.  And since the subject never comes up, is it even worth discussing?  IDK.  ::sigh::

Also, I have not had a full night of sleep since early last week.  I am up only thanks to soda.  Thinking about the Pickles makes me want to pull the covers up and hide.
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Re: Part 5

  • notamrsnotamrs member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Glad you survived - not sure I could have done something like that all on my own.

    Re:  Pickle #1 - would you and/or H ever consider looking at a Unitarian Church?  They are pretty all encompassing and a lot of people come there after losing faith and not identifying with the tradition they grew up in.
  • AuntFloAuntFlo member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Pickle #1 - I have no advice

    Pickle #2 - I think you should consider telling him.   That's a big secret for you to carry around, and you also shouldn't have to worry about MIL telling him at the wrong time/in the wrong way.    You can pick the time when you know DH will have the opportunity to process the info properly and talk about it if needed.  

    Also, think about how he would react if he found out you knew and didn't tell him.   But you know him best, so do what you feel is right.
  • edited December 2011
    You're pickles are seriously heavy ones.

    Religion is a tough one in general. People believe or not in their own ways and sometimes it's very hard to see the other side. Do you think your H would be opposed to you not attending with him and DD if he wants to go? Do you think that you could go in respect for his beliefs even if you don't share them?

    As for the biodad situation, is there any way that you can influence your MIL (despite her crazy) to give him the news and then let him process it without her? I don't think it's your place to tell him, especially if the situation doesn't come up. At the same time, this knowledge isn't something that you should have to hold on to. Also, do you think he would be upset if you and MIL told him together? Perhaps you could act as semi-buffer.
  • nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_part-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:86d045b1-747d-4c72-a73b-e8c5c6175244Post:f034519d-5207-452c-87b7-62c40fb52e7c">Re: Part 5</a>:
    [QUOTE] Pickle #2 - I think you should consider telling him.   That's a big secret for you to carry around, and you also shouldn't have to worry about MIL telling him at the wrong time/in the wrong way.    You can pick the time when you know DH will have the opportunity to process the info properly and talk about it if needed.   Also, think about how he would react if he found out you knew and didn't tell him.  
    Posted by AuntFlo[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Exactly how I feel, AF.

    </div>
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  • **O-Face****O-Face** member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    #1:  I think church shopping is super important, just because you didn't like church 1-8 doesn't mean there isn't a church/congregation out there for you.

    #2: That is so touchy.  You could let MIL handle it, but if it ever came out that you KNEW about it, how would your H react?
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  • nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Part 5:
    Do you think your H would be opposed to you not attending with him and DD if he wants to go? Yes.  If I don't believe, that's a major problem for him.  And not going is just an outward expression of that non-faith.  

    Do you think that you could go in respect for his beliefs even if you don't share them? Yes, but I have a big mouth with a lot of complaints.  My comments  and feelings would always be negative so I don't think me attending anf faking it would cut it.  

    As for the biodad situation, is there any way that you can influence your MIL (despite her crazy) to give him the news and then let him process it without her? No, this isn't an email or phone situation I don't think.  

    Also, do you think he would be upset if you and MIL told him together? Perhaps you could act as semi-buffer.  This could not happen b/c I cannot buffer that much crazy.

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  • edited December 2011
    Wow! That's a lot of pickles.

    Pickle #1: I think everyone has gone through times were they ask, "Is God real?" and "Is the bible really the Word of God?" I've been shown Yes, to all three. I always hate when someone has had bad experiences at church and those experiences have caused them to doubt their faith.

    I do know that there is a church home out there where you can connect and feel like your spirit is feed. I hope you find that place. The gread thing about God is he loves us even when we don't love him. :)

    Pickle #2: Is Biodad still alive? I think you should talk to him once you get all of the facts. It sounds like he would take it better hearing it from you, than mom.
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  • nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think the problem with church shopping is the belief in God and the Bible, which I seriously lack.  If there's a church that promotes evolution and the Bible as a story book, then by all means sign me up.  My faith was its strongest when I was young and impressionable.  I thought some of it lingered, but I hadn't been to church in 15+ years.  So now, going to church, I know I don't have any belief/faith in the Bible/God.
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  • nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_part-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:86d045b1-747d-4c72-a73b-e8c5c6175244Post:f7aaa060-a191-46cf-95bb-dbc60dd1d3cf">Re: Part 5</a>:
    [QUOTE] Pickle #2: Is Biodad still alive? I think you should talk to him once you get all of the facts. It sounds like he would take it better hearing it from you, than mom.
    Posted by NOLABridesmaid[/QUOTE]

    <div>No, that's the pickle - the biodad is dead now and has been for 6 years.  The ? is to tell H or not, or let MIL spill the beans eventually in some way she sees fit.  But then I'm burdened with the secret til then.</div><div>
    </div><div>Honestly, I think I'm just going to tell H tonight.  It's not fair for me not to tell him and I don't even know that he will really care.  But there's no way MIL can tell him.  And I resent that she told me and put me in this position.</div>
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  • AuntFloAuntFlo member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    And I resent that she told me and put me in this position.

    ^word.
  • edited December 2011
    Why wouldn't MIL tell him that his dad died? That's so strange to me.

    Yes, I think he needs to know.
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  • edited December 2011
    pickle #1 I can't help with as I have the same pickle.

    pickle #2, I would ask H if he wanted to talk about Biodad because you found something out about him this weekend that you think he should know. If H says no, he doesn't want to know, then drop it until he brings it up.
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  • nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_part-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:86d045b1-747d-4c72-a73b-e8c5c6175244Post:d2587640-9965-47fa-8056-2bfaf254b9b8">Re: Part 5</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why wouldn't MIL tell him that his dad died? That's so strange to me. Yes, I think he needs to know.
    Posted by NOLABridesmaid[/QUOTE]

    <div>Nola, H never knew his biodad.  I don't think he's even seen a picture.  The only discussions we have had about the biodad have come from having DD and health stuff.  And MIL just found the obituary online on Thursday, so it's not like she's known for weeks.</div>
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  • edited December 2011
    Pickle 1: I stand by the fact that religion gets in the way of Man's relationship with God. Also: the bible gives good guidance in parts, whether it's real or not. It gives billions of people "tangible" faith, but isn't necessary to believe in God. You don't have to have a set of rules to go with God.

    Pickle 2: I hate that MIL told you, because now you know. You can't unknow what you know. It would crush FI if he found out I didn't tell him something so big. do you guys still go to counseling? Could you talk to your counselor and see what he/she says?
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  • edited December 2011
    Oh! I'm sure there is more to this story. I feel for your DH in this situation. I hope he does ok with the news. I know he never knew him, but old feelings can come up with news like this.
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  • nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That's why I don't want to wait for MIL to tell him.  I think I'll tell him tonight.  Regardless of what any counselor says, IMO there are few secrets that should be kept from your spouse and this ain't one of them.
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  • edited December 2011
    Butter, you really feel this way:

     It gives billions of people "tangible" faith, but isn't necessary to believe in God
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]Church - my visit has reaffirmed that (1) I don't like going to church b/c I'm just not that friendly, (2) I'm way too liberal for any church like that, to the point I would switch religions, and (3) all churches are the same - same gossip, same people, etc.  I just have no faith anymore.  I'm too critical and to believe that the Bible, a book, written by man, just like every other, is the word of God?  Kinda too far fetched for me to even try to believe.  And I just don't care - I'm supposed to pray to a God I don't necessarily believe in for your cousin's daughter's friend's mother's coworker?  Really? Pickle #1 - I know H will want to go to church at some point.  Telling him I've lost my faith will create a major, major problem.  Like divorce worthy problem.  For him, IMO, it's a dealbreaker.
    Posted by nicoleg1982[/QUOTE]

    1) you can choose to be as friendly as you like in church.  part of church is the fellowship, and just as you choose your friends, you can choose a level of fellowship that works for you.
    2) believe what you want.  a church doesn't have to align itself exactly with your beliefs, nor do you have to align yourself with the church's.  also, individual churches do not align themselves with the main doctrine of their particular branch.
    3) all churches are not the same.  sure, some may have the same problems you list, but so do a lot of places.  you could say the same thing about working in an office, but that doesn't make you stop working.  you can get what you want out of church by not participating in that nonsense.

    i also don't think you need faith to attend church.  attending church could be a way of finding faith, in a way that you need, and in a way that you feel guided to seek it.
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  • edited December 2011
    H, brings up a good point. Every person sitting in church is not at the same place spiritually. That's the makings of a great church, because everyone is welcome. Church shouldn't be just for "church folk."
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  • **O-Face****O-Face** member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Do you think your MIL wanted you to tell H? 
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  • zsazsa-stlzsazsa-stl member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Ditto hmo. 

    Churches are soooo different.  Within a single denomination you can find a church that tells everyone they are going to hell if they play cards or don't acknowledge Obama as the anti-Christ and then drive down the street to a different church with the same sign out front where the minister and her wife are co-pastors and pray to Mother God and host a monthly gathering over wine to discuss art house movies.  
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    I just a friendly gal looking for options.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Yea, I do. I don't believe the Bible is a necessary part of God. I believe it was written by man. Maybe at one time they had excellent intentions but it's been changed throughout history to serve people in power. Parts have been lost. A group of people were even charged with figuring out which books were legitimate and should go in the bible and which books to leave out.

    But NOLA surely you've noticed I have my own issues with religion. In theory it's great. People coming together who all have the same good intentions - but in practice, in my experience it's been mostly bad and disheartening and takes away from what God is about, which is love and feeling like a part of your creator. When all the people you're around are so worried about what Gertrude wore to church, or your pastor, who is supposed to be an example of the life you should lead is raping kids or getting someone other than his wife pregnant it doesn't give me much hope. You expect people to stumble, but it gets obnoxious, in every church I've ever been in.

    Maybe I've gone to the wrong churches, and maybe one day I'll find a church and a time in my life where everything clicks. But any faith that tells me God lovingly created us, then gave us a nanosecond in the scheme of things to decide where we want to spend eternity based on some words in a book just doesn't ring true with me.

    Some people find great peace in their church (like you) and I think that's awesome, and powerful, and makes it absolutely right for that person, but religion and the bible just isn't for everybody.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    1) i wouldn't worry about this for now - it doesn't sound like you or your H are active in church right now - wouldn't it be hypocritical of your H to be upset with you for continuing to not participate in church? If he decided that he wants to attend and take your D, unless you have a serious issue with her going, I don't see why anyone should feel it is necessary for you to attend - if you don't agree with what the church is teaching, and don't believe in it, then I can't see you getting anything out of the service - this is why I no longer attend church. If DH wants to begin going again or wants to take our kid(s), he's welcome. I'm sure they'll go through CCD, etc. and receive Baptism, Communion and Confirmation, but when they are old enough to decide what they want to do, I'm fine if they stop attending church.

    2) I think you should tell him what MIL told you and let him decide what he wants to do with the information. It should be simple on your part: "MIL told me that she looked up your biodad's contact info to get medical history info for DD, and found an obituary dated 6 years ago."

  • nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_part-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:86d045b1-747d-4c72-a73b-e8c5c6175244Post:2e1030dc-87db-4939-acc9-cf28d7b1e750">Re: Part 5</a>:
    [QUOTE]Do you think your MIL wanted you to tell H? 
    Posted by **O-Face**[/QUOTE]
     I think MIL wanted to gauge how H would react if/when she told him.  I don't think she told me so I would spill the beans.  IMO, it's her place to tell him, but I don't think I should live with a secret that doesn't involve me/my parents.
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    1.  I am right there with you--for me, it's not an issue of this church vs. that one, it's that I don't buy into the basic premise.  I'm sorry that this is a dealbreaker for you and Mr. Leg.  Sucking it up doesn't sound like a realistic suggestion.  Is it denial if I think that since you two have gone this long without it being an issue, that it will continue like this?

    2.  I don't think MIL should have told you before she told Mr. Leg, regardless of her reasons.  Since she did, in your shoes, I'd tell him.  It sucks, but it beats having a *thing* between you that you can't talk about.
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_part-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:86d045b1-747d-4c72-a73b-e8c5c6175244Post:ca43ca70-09ca-406b-a00a-1cbd2834e3c8">Re: Part 5</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think the problem with church shopping is the belief in God and the Bible, which I seriously lack.  If there's a church that promotes evolution and the Bible as a story book, then by all means sign me up.  My faith was its strongest when I was young and impressionable.  I thought some of it lingered, but I hadn't been to church in 15+ years.  So now, going to church, I know I don't have any belief/faith in the Bible/God.
    Posted by nicoleg1982[/QUOTE]

    <div>There are plenty. You know I'm Catholic, and I was never told that the Bible was anything more than inspired by God, and filtered through people, and thus, subject to the biases and mistakes of people. Even the Gospels, which were said to be written by the Apostles, were subject to the vagaries of memory, because they were written well after the facts of Jesus' life and death. And JPII believed in evolution.</div><div>
    </div><div>Unitarians, ELCA Lutherans, Methodists - these are all liberal churches that I've been considering checking out lately. I've never doubted God, but I have doubted his churches, and I certainly can't accept an inerrant Bible. </div>
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    1) I can't answer this, but you've gotten some good thoughts here.

    2) Your MIL sucks for putting you in this position.  I think you are right that this isn't a secret you should keep.  Is this something you could talk through at the counselor's?
  • nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    6, I don't think I need a counselor to interject here.  I just don't think MIL would be the best person to tell H.  And I don't think her writing it down for him to know when she's dead is best either.  If I tell him, I know how to approach the subject.  IDK what his reaction will be - I can guess, but won't know until it happens.  I just hate that I was put in the position to know a secret about H's life b/c MIL wasn't sure if she should tell H or not.  

    I'm all for keeping small secrets - I ate 1/2 a bag of my baking chocolates while you were OOT, I'm getting you XYZ for your birthday, I threw away your underwear b/c it had too many holes.  But this is pretty important information, even if H doesn't think so, and doesn't even involve me, really.
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    That's cool.  I was just trying to think of a possible different approach.

    Agreed on the secrets.
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