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Baconsmom will love this. You'll spot exactly why.

http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/64254362/ShowThread.aspx#64254362


The post:

How to deal? Spouse w/ alcoholism

 

My H is an alcoholic. He used to drink very heavily (extremely heavily for 10ish years). Before we got together I made it clear that was not something I can accept. He stopped drinking and soon after we started dating. He did great with that for a while... until recently. I found out he has been drinking heavily again (plus lying and hiding it). When he drinks he gets confrontational and aggressive. He has never been physically violent but he does yell quite a bit while intoxicated (which is what caused me to be suspicious about his drinking). When I confronted him about it he admitted it. I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship (I've known my H for many years prior to us getting together). DS has always and will always be my first priority. My H knows this.

 

H and I had a come to jesus talk last night. I told him this is completely unacceptable and he can NEVER drink, yell, or be aggressive around my 2 year old. Last night he spent 2 hours screaming and cursing at Comcast because the TV wasn't working. I took DS and left for an hour until it was his bedtime (and I told H he had to go outside then) so DS wouldn't be exposed to that type of behavior. After our convo H agreed with me and wants to fix things. He has decided to go to AA (which he refused to go to before citing religious reasons - he's atheist). I know from last time he stopped drinking he was a mess. He was aggressive while detoxing and re-learning how to deal with things. Obviously, things could be different this time but they might not be (and honestly, I don't think the detox will be that much different).

 

Add to all that, he has said several times that if he didn't have me or my DS that he would likely kill himself. He came close to trying several years ago but I thought he worked through his depression. I love my H dearly but that is not healthy. He can't essentially live for me or DS. He has to live for himself and be happy in his own skin. He doesn't currently have a job but he's starting school in June.

 

I'm stuck at what to do now. I love him so much. I can't imagine my life without him. But my son comes first. I will not expose him to an alcoholic or aggression / confrontation due to alcoholism. I want him to get better but I'm not sure I'm the best person to help him. I've been toying with the idea of asking him to go stay with his mother for a few weeks while he detoxes but I'm pretty sure he would take that as me telling him it's over. His mom lives halfway across the country and I'm not even sure she has space or the means for him to stay with her.

I don't even really know what I'm asking. Has anyone been in this situation or have any words of advice?
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Re: Baconsmom will love this. You'll spot exactly why.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_baconsmom-will-love-this-youll-spot-exactly-why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:89f39698-2f69-4684-ab37-1716b068164ePost:c1867f24-1e9b-4658-999d-46837969f46b">Baconsmom will love this. You'll spot exactly why.</a>:
    [QUOTE]<a href="http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/64254362/ShowThread.aspx#64254362" rel="nofollow">http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/64254362/ShowThread.aspx#64254362</a> The post: How to deal? Spouse w/ alcoholism   My H is an alcoholic. He used to drink very heavily (extremely heavily for 10ish years). Before we got together I made it clear that was not something I can accept. He stopped drinking and soon after we started dating. He did great with that for a while... until recently. I found out he has been drinking heavily again (plus lying and hiding it). When he drinks he gets confrontational and aggressive. He has never been physically violent but he does yell quite a bit while intoxicated (which is what caused me to be suspicious about his drinking). When I confronted him about it he admitted it. I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship (I've known my H for many years prior to us getting together). DS has always and will always be my first priority. My H knows this.   H and I had a come to jesus talk last night. I told him this is completely unacceptable and he can NEVER drink, yell, or be aggressive around my 2 year old. Last night he spent 2 hours screaming and cursing at Comcast because the TV wasn't working. I took DS and left for an hour until it was his bedtime (and I told H he had to go outside then) so DS wouldn't be exposed to that type of behavior. After our convo H agreed with me and wants to fix things. He has decided to go to AA (which he refused to go to before citing religious reasons - he's atheist). I know from last time he stopped drinking he was a mess. He was aggressive while detoxing and re-learning how to deal with things. Obviously, things could be different this time but they might not be (and honestly, I don't think the detox will be that much different).   Add to all that, he has said several times that if he didn't have me or my DS that he would likely kill himself. He came close to trying several years ago but I thought he worked through his depression. I love my H dearly but that is not healthy. He can't essentially live for me or DS. He has to live for himself and be happy in his own skin. He doesn't currently have a job but he's starting school in June.   I'm stuck at what to do now. I love him so much. I can't imagine my life without him. But my son comes first.<strong> I will not expose him to an alcoholic</strong> or aggression / confrontation due to alcoholism. I want him to get better but I'm not sure I'm the best person to help him. I've been toying with the idea of asking him to go stay with his mother for a few weeks while he detoxes but I'm pretty sure he would take that as me telling him it's over. His mom lives halfway across the country and I'm not even sure she has space or the means for him to stay with her. I don't even really know what I'm asking. Has anyone been in this situation or have any words of advice?
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

    *has a 2yo from a previous relationship, and is now married to a drunk

    "i will not expose him to an alcoholic" (why did she marry one?)

    OP does not make smart decisions.
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    tawillerstawillers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited March 2012

    Can someone tell me what being an athiest has to do with not going to AA?

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    tawillerstawillers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited March 2012
    She just DD/edited her post:


    DD for privacy reasons.


    Basically, my H is a drunk and I was too stupid to see it. He was sober for a while but is now drinking again. I thought that he had changed for good. When we first knew each other he didn't drink and I thought he was in that space again (though it is clear now he can't maintain that). He is going to live with his mother (plane booked for tomorrow). Yes, we were trying to have a kid together. Obviously, that was a mistake. I thought he was sober but it's still me being extremely weak and oblivious. I've already taken Plan B (got it earlier this morning) and based on when we've had sex the chances are slim that anything happened in that department.

    I have a kid with someone else. I got pregnant on accident (was on birth control) but hey, still my fault and I still chose to continue the pregnancy.That was 3, almost 4 years ago.

    For clarification, my H has NEVER done anything verbally abusive to my kid. If he ever even tried something like that I would have kicked him out immediately. Last night was the first time my son has ever been exposed to that type of behavior and I immediately took him away from it. I wasn't trying to start drama nor was I looking to get flamed. I was looking for help and advice - some of which I've received.


    ETA: I am planning on attending personal therapy and have that set up for tomorrow.

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    DG1DG1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_baconsmom-will-love-this-youll-spot-exactly-why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:89f39698-2f69-4684-ab37-1716b068164ePost:4644d410-a366-4ad1-978f-adaf8be05642">Re: Baconsmom will love this. You'll spot exactly why.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Can someone tell me what being an athiest has to do with not going to AA?
    Posted by tawillers[/QUOTE]


    The original 12 steps have God all over them:

    <a href="http://www.12step.org/references/versions-of-the-12-steps.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.12step.org/references/versions-of-the-12-steps.html</a>


    I believe they've been modified to simply refer to anything bigger than you (fate, the cosmos, any polytheistic deity, etc.) But this is really a turnoff for a lot of people.

    Even if an atheist knows that AA is not *technically* a religious setup anymore, most of the people there do believe in God, so it can be tough to relate or go through the steps when you don't have the same belief system.

    A good AA sponsor/group will be able to deal with this well, but depending on where they are, that may not exist for them. I can't imagine many people in, say, Mississippi or Tennessee (2 places I lived in for years) finding an atheist-friendly anything, never mind an AA group.

    image
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    tawillerstawillers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited March 2012
    Thank you for clarifying, DG.
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    Glad to see TarponMonoxide is still around there. That woman has been on Knot/Nest boards since they existed I think.
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    GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_baconsmom-will-love-this-youll-spot-exactly-why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:89f39698-2f69-4684-ab37-1716b068164ePost:051fbda8-fade-4143-835f-55f8c3ae90d1">Re: Baconsmom will love this. You'll spot exactly why.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Baconsmom will love this. You'll spot exactly why. : The original 12 steps have God all over them: <a href="http://www.12step.org/references/versions-of-the-12-steps.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.12step.org/references/versions-of-the-12-steps.html</a> I believe they've been modified to simply refer to anything bigger than you (fate, the cosmos, any polytheistic deity, etc.) But this is really a turnoff for a lot of people. Even if an atheist knows that AA is not *technically* a religious setup anymore, most of the people there do believe in God, so it can be tough to relate or go through the steps when you don't have the same belief system. A good AA sponsor/group will be able to deal with this well, but depending on where they are, that may not exist for them. I can't imagine many people in, say, Mississippi or Tennessee (2 places I lived in for years) finding an atheist-friendly anything, never mind an AA group.
    Posted by DG1[/QUOTE]

    <div>yeah, they now say 'a higher power' and 'technically', that can be anything ("a lightbulb" is the sterotype example).  So not 'thiest', per se, but not really open to belief in nothing, IMO</div><div>
    </div><div>There's actually precious little in rehab/addiction therapy that doesn't revolve around religion in one way or another.</div>
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    You know I lost my damn eyebrows at that. 

    (And yes, FTR, the decision to keep Bacon was a direct result of H saying that he'd become my H, that we were in it together for the long haul if we didn't give her up for adoption. I feel I know whereof I speak when I judge these people.) 
    image
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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited March 2012
    Random story (big surprise): I went to a court appointed AA meeting with an ex.  I was pissed about all of the references to the higher power and God and felt it was highly inappropriate that the court would be allowed to dictate that.  Nobody else saw the issue.
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited March 2012
    I agree with you.  I think AA and all related groups are kinda cults.  Maybe I'll bring this up later for discussion.
    image
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    GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I'd *REALLY* like to see more non-religious AA type programs, but I've not read anything on any that are actually very successful.
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    I would argue that the 12-step programs aren't truly successful, either, since they never actually kick the addiction and learn to relate to whatever substance in a nonemotional, healthy way.
    image
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    GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    true, but trading poisons has it's place--at least temporarily.

    The Mr's caffine addiction got worse when he quit w/ other substances.  That may nt be 'good' but diet Mt. Dew isn't going to end our marriage...unless I steal the last of it on a migraine-day for him.

    But, the fact that people never leave these programs isn't ideal in my mind either.

    Still point peole to ACA and al-anon a lot though because I don't see anything better.
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