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FMIL holiday drama

I've been dating FI for almost 7 years. His mother has graciously invited me to their holiday festivities for thanksgiving and Xmas all this time. I was always thankful and it was sweet since she knew both my parents have crazy schedules (mom is a nurse and dad works for a 24/7 company and is on call often) and I would sometimes be alone since close family had moved away.

This year my aunts moved back to to the northeast and are trying to reinstill the holiday traditions we used to have. FI and I were invited to Thanksgiving and Xmas in Jersey with my family and Hartford with his.

I thoughts splitting time with both families would be okay since they are 3hrs apart and there is no traffic on the day of holidays. Well I thought wrong because FMIL flipped her lid! She sat me down on Thanksgiving morning and bluntly told me she expects her sons in HER home on thanksgiving, xmas and easter every year. I was dumbstruck. She proceeded to tell me that she refused to share her sons with my family on those days (she said cousins and such are not important family!). When we told her that is not realistic she ran out crying (fake cry). At this point FFIL says I can see my family tomorrow (after the holiday...WTH!)

Now I am incensed. I kindly tell him that is not an option for me and walk back to my room to mull over this mess. I am in FMIL's home and it I dont want to ruin a holiday. If I call my family up to ask them to pick me up or tell them I am not coming they will know I am upset and this will cause animosity between both families.    Her hurtful comments are running around my head and now I am miserable and crying.  Thankfully FBIL and his GF are there,they come in perk me up are help mediate so FI and still managed to make it to my family's dinner in Jersey.

The problem is that I am still upset with FMIL. She knows she was out of line and made a half ass attempt to apologize when I told her I would not be attending xmas at her home this year (for seperate reasons).  I'm trying to let it go and work out a resolution but I just can't get over what she said, and sadly FI has no balls in this situation.  Now that the holidays are over I want to resolve this dillema so we can avoid it next year. I realize she is afraid of "losing" her son but I am extremely hurt and angry by her comments. How do i broach this subject with her in a respectful way?

"All I want is for you to be happy And, take this woman and make you my family And, finally you have found someone perfect And, finally you have found Yourself." -RHCP image

Re: FMIL holiday drama

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    I think your FI should handle his mother and her expectations of holiday gatherings. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fmil-holiday-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:8b61b9a1-42ce-44a8-8b4c-63fdd84bc21bPost:3e85fc1b-ba5c-409c-a782-aa4040472677">FMIL holiday drama</a>:
    [QUOTE] I'm trying to let it go and work out a resolution but I just can't get over what she said, <strong>and sadly FI has no balls in this situation</strong>.  Now that the holidays are over I want to resolve this dillema so we can avoid it next year. I realize she is afraid of "losing" her son but I am extremely hurt and angry by her comments. How do i broach this subject with her in a respectful way?
    Posted by tinstarsunshine[/QUOTE]

    unless he grows a pair and stamnds up to his mommy, things will never change. i'm betting you see this issue crop up in other areas as well.

    i'd suggest that you and he work out a compromise on how holidays are spent, moving forward, and stick to it. either switch off holidays with each family, or spend them all on your own, or offer to host everyone.

    not realizing that YOU are his family now, and YOU ccome before his parents and siblings is a gigantic red flag. you need to sort that out before moving ahead with your marriage.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fmil-holiday-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:8b61b9a1-42ce-44a8-8b4c-63fdd84bc21bPost:b21d85b8-1cd3-4a83-a65c-f15e7f7e0772">Re: FMIL holiday drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think your FI should handle his mother and her expectations of holiday gatherings. 
    Posted by mrs.conn23[/QUOTE]

    ^ this
    image
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    I'm sorry you're in this situation, I understand the transition is hard when it comes to breaking/making new traditions. However, PPs are right in that your FI needs to handle this because anything coming from you will only sound biitchy. Please urge your FI to cut the cord with his mother, you need to be his first priority. Good luck. 
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    Unless he grows a pair, nothing will change.
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