Should I still let my father walk me down the aisle?

CandiSwan

Ok, so when my fiance Jason and I first got engaged I was set on not having my father walk me down the aisle. I was going to let one of my uncles on my moms side of the family walk me or my grandpa if he was well enough to. My father is an alcoholic who also is addicted to perscription pain meds. He was never there for me as a child even tho he stilled lived with my mother, brother and I. He never showed affection towards me and now as an adult we never talk. He has not been apart of my life for the past 3 years do to his behavior, he has not changed a bit. He called me today to ask me if he could walk me down the aisle and of course since I am a pushover I said yes. But in my heart I know it is a bad idea. Would I be a totally terrible person/bride if I told him he cannot walk me down the aisle and give me away? I just want others honest opinions. I need all the help I can get!

FutureSwan

hmonkey

let him walk you down the aisle.  when you get to the halfway point, stick your leg out and trip him.

CandiSwan

That would be funny but I am sure that would look bad on my part.

Butter Cookie

If you take it back now you're going to look like an ass. Are you prepared to break your father's heart, when you can't even stand up to him in the first place?

I'm honestly asking - because I have struggled for so long with my own father's lack of interest in my life. I let him walk me down the aisle, because in the end I decided to let go of the BS, but you have to make that decision for yourself. I know with *my* father he would have been completely heartbroken if I had told him he could walk me down the aisle then changed my mind.

~~Busy.~~

Have a heart to heart with him. Explain how you feel.  Perhaps this could be either the opening to a better relatioship or the final nail in an emotional coffin.

You are an adult, live your life with our regret.  Put on your big girl panties and handle this like a grown up.  YOUR FEELINGS ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS ANYONE ELSES, even a bit more important becasue they are your feelings.

Butter Cookie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_should-still-let-father-walk-down-aisle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:927a46ec-2732-4927-ad48-9c47b485349cPost:fd688d52-8105-4599-ab3e-94e92b2869a4">Re: Should I still let my father walk me down the aisle?</a>:
[QUOTE]Have a heart to heart with him. Explain how you feel.  Perhaps this could be either the opening to a better relatioship or the final nail in an emotional coffin. You are an adult, live your life with our regret.  Put on your big girl panties and handle this like a grown up.  YOUR FEELINGS ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS ANYONE ELSES, even a bit more important becasue they are your feelings.
Posted by ~~Busy.~~[/QUOTE]



:::waving around generally::: all of the above

CandiSwan

I can see that but I am afraid he will show up drunk or drugged out and ruin the whole wedding. He has crashed other parties of mine in the past and this is the biggest celebration I will have. I just don't want to make the wrong decision based on his feelings and the feelings of others. He has NEVER reguarded my feelings in the past so why should I spare him the same?

Heffalump

I'm with BC.  I was prepared to say no, there is no reason to let him walk you down the aisle--and that's still true.  But once you said yes, it complicated things considerably.  I think it's worse to tell him yes and then no, instead of simply no in the first place.

What's done is done, though.  If you think it's a mistake and you'll regret it, then you need to have this discussion with him sooner rather than later.

CandiSwan

I know how to act like an adult but the problem is he does not. My mother and him are no longer together because of this.

CandiSwan

I was planning on talking to him anyways. I am going to have to tell him that he has to clean up his act and lay off the alcohol and try to get help about his perscription drug abuse to prove to me that he is indeed ready to walk me down the aisle. I think that is a reasonable request to let him do so. I just want him clean and sober for the wedding. If he cannot accomplish this then I am going to have to tell him that he can't. Pure and simple. This way it will be in his hands whether he walks me or not, not mine.

Butter Cookie

Then that's what you should do. Sit him down and explain to him that he is to stay sober, in all capacities, during the entire event. If he can't, explain to him that you will have him removed from the wedding. Be serious about it, too. Give his picture to the bartender or wait staff and let them know not to serve him, and hire someone whose responsibility it is to keep him in line (or have a strong friend if they don't mind)

CandiSwan

My fiance and I are having a dry wedding so that will not be a problem. I would like for him to change all together for his health and not just for the wedding. He has sorosis of the liver. If he keeps at iit he may never even see me get married. I may have to bring that up to when we have out talk. Thanks for all the adivce ButtetCookie .

~~Busy.~~

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_should-still-let-father-walk-down-aisle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:927a46ec-2732-4927-ad48-9c47b485349cPost:fe849e57-e65a-47bf-bea2-0ffc2dd7e0dc">Re: Should I still let my father walk me down the aisle?</a>:
[QUOTE]. If he keeps at iit he may never even see me get married.
Posted by CandiSwan[/QUOTE]

That would solve a lot of problems.  Sorry, couldn't resist.

CandiSwan

I don't want him in my life, unless he changes. But with the way he is not I just don't feel comfortable with him walking me down the aisle, let alone even attending the wedding. I have not sent out invites or anything yet and will not be getting married until April of 2012 so I have plenty of time to work this out.

GBCK

gotta add to the good dvice...
get thee to adult children of alcoholics and/or an al-anon meeting.

L_Woods

Thank you for spelling aisle correctly.

I'm with ButterCookie and GBCK as far as advice goes.

CandiSwan

You are very welcome for spelling aisle correctly, I see many do not spell it properly but it can be tricky. Thanks for the input all, it is greatly appreciated!

VarunaTT

No.

You are still acting as the scapegoat child of an abuser.  "If I do [X] and he'll get clean and sober".  For right now, and for you, X has become your wedding.  And it's NOT.  These are separate issues.

1 = you folded.  I don't even blame you for that, I was really scared of my bio parents finding out about [fill in blank of important moment of life starting with high school graduation] and ruining it b/c of various abuses.  So, I never told them and never contacted them.  You did and that's okay.  But if you don't want him to walk you down the aisle, then don't.  Admit you folded and say no.

2 = you want him clean and sober.  Period.  Not for your walk down the aisle, but for for your life.  But only he can do that.  If he screws this one up, you'll be moving to "be sober for..." an anniversary party, the birth of your child, a birthday of your child, etc.  You have to break your own pattern and realize that his journey to sobriety has nothing to do with you until he chooses to start it.  And you can't make him, so stop trying to make your support conditional.

Tell him now you want him clean and sober and part of your life.  Or the way he is and not part of your life.  The aisle walk will solve itself with his decision.