So many issues...is it really worth it?

nbkq6bf

I didn't really know how else to title this post and couldn't find anything else like it on any of the boards! Anyway, I'm getting married 11-11-11 and have discovered that this whole wedding planning thing is a little more than I can handle. I moved from FL to NC two years ago and none of my bridesmaids live near me nor can they travel here often to help plan or anything. I'm an only child so no sisters to help. No close friends where I live now that have gotten married in the last few years so no one really local to help. My mother is terminally ill and in an assisted living facility so she can't help. Then, to top it off, I'm on a super tight budget and can't afford a wedding planner. When I got engaged about a month ago, I figured since I had over a year, that would be plenty of time to put it all together. Oh, let me also mention that I've only been to ONE wedding in my adult life (and was a guest, never been in one) and it was a hot mess...so I can't even plan from my own experiences. I don't have a lot of married friends

Anyway, so when we got engaged, we of course told family and his sister, who lives in MO, got so very excited about the possibility of her 7 year old daughter being the flower girl. I was absolutely fine with this and said of course. I hadn't planned on making a lot of bridal party decisions so early but his sister insisted that her daughter would be sosososo excited because she's always wanted to be a flower girl and that we should call her personally to extend the invitation. I had no problem with this but didn't know she wanted it done like...that night. I know she meant well and was just excited. So whatever, I was still not grasping how hard this was all going to be so I took one for the team and we called her. When we asked her, I could hear her jumping up and down and really was super excited. Since then I got a letter from her thanking me for letting her be my flower girl and welcoming me to the family. It was all very sweet.

So now I'm honestly rethinking the whole thing. Not the flower girl thing, but the whole wedding thing. I'm so overwhelmed and discouraged that I'd rather just go somewhere with him and have it just be the two of us. There's no way to just have something small with just immediate family because his is big (mine is almost non-existent) and immediate family alone turns into a huge thing.

I'm already in tears just typing this. Had we not already invited her, I would have already called it off and would be planning our cruise wedding or something similar...and cheaper. I know it would break her heart and ultimately I'll look like a jerk but I feel like I can't have an entire wedding just to appease his sister and niece, yanno? I already asked my 3 bridesmaids but I know they won't be super upset or anything. Not having a maid of honor, not close enough to anyone, just 3 bridesmaids.

Then I start thinking about a bachelorette party, bridal shower, etc. and how I won't have any of that. I won't have the gaggle of gals with me to try on my wedding dress or to help me put favors together. It all depresses me. I can't do this all by myself.

Of course, to top it off, I've already reserved my venue, photographer, and caterer so I have $1k worth of deposits sunk into this already.

I don't know what to do. The next 13-14 months are supposed to be the happiest and most exciting months of my life, aren't they? I'm absolutely dreading all of it and just know it will cause more stress than it'll be worth. I'm already feeling the stress of it all make me sick, as I have MS and can't be under a crazy amount of stress...which I already am.

Ok, this has turned into a great big woe is me post and I don't even know what I'm asking for anymore. Is there a way to gently let the flower girl down without breaking her heart and looking like a jerk or am I really stuck now? But really, I can't walk away from $1k so I guess I'm stuck in more ways than one anyway

Sorry so long,
Emily in Winston-Salem, NC

MinM

I didn't really know how else to title this post and couldn't find anything else like it on any of the boards! Anyway, I'm getting married 11-11-11 and have discovered that this whole wedding planning thing is a little more than I can handle. I moved from FL to NC two years ago and none of my bridesmaids live near me nor can they travel here often to help plan or anything. I'm an only child so no sisters to help. No close friends where I live now that have gotten married in the last few years so no one really local to help. My mother is terminally ill and in an assisted living facility so she can't help. Then, to top it off, I'm on a super tight budget and can't afford a wedding planner. When I got engaged about a month ago, I figured since I had over a year, that would be plenty of time to put it all together. Oh, let me also mention that I've only been to ONE wedding in my adult life (and was a guest, never been in one) and it was a hot mess...so I can't even plan from my own experiences. I don't have a lot of married friends

Anyway, so when we got engaged, we of course told family and his sister, who lives in MO, got so very excited about the possibility of her 7 year old daughter being the flower girl. I was absolutely fine with this and said of course. I hadn't planned on making a lot of bridal party decisions so early but his sister insisted that her daughter would be sosososo excited because she's always wanted to be a flower girl and that we should call her personally to extend the invitation. I had no problem with this but didn't know she wanted it done like...that night. I know she meant well and was just excited. So whatever, I was still not grasping how hard this was all going to be so I took one for the team and we called her. When we asked her, I could hear her jumping up and down and really was super excited. Since then I got a letter from her thanking me for letting her be my flower girl and welcoming me to the family. It was all very sweet.

So now I'm honestly rethinking the whole thing. Not the flower girl thing, but the whole wedding thing. I'm so overwhelmed and discouraged that I'd rather just go somewhere with him and have it just be the two of us. There's no way to just have something small with just immediate family because his is big (mine is almost non-existent) and immediate family alone turns into a huge thing.

I'm already in tears just typing this. Had we not already invited her, I would have already called it off and would be planning our cruise wedding or something similar...and cheaper. I know it would break her heart and ultimately I'll look like a jerk but I feel like I can't have an entire wedding just to appease his sister and niece, yanno? I already asked my 3 bridesmaids but I know they won't be super upset or anything. Not having a maid of honor, not close enough to anyone, just 3 bridesmaids.

Then I start thinking about a bachelorette party, bridal shower, etc. and how I won't have any of that. I won't have the gaggle of gals with me to try on my wedding dress or to help me put favors together. It all depresses me. I can't do this all by myself.

Of course, to top it off, I've already reserved my venue, photographer, and caterer so I have $1k worth of deposits sunk into this already.

I don't know what to do. The next 13-14 months are supposed to be the happiest and most exciting months of my life, aren't they? I'm absolutely dreading all of it and just know it will cause more stress than it'll be worth. I'm already feeling the stress of it all make me sick, as I have MS and can't be under a crazy amount of stress...which I already am.

Ok, this has turned into a great big woe is me post and I don't even know what I'm asking for anymore. Is there a way to gently let the flower girl down without breaking her heart and looking like a jerk or am I really stuck now? But really, I can't walk away from $1k so I guess I'm stuck in more ways than one anyway

Sorry so long,
Emily in Winston-Salem, NC

RMacQueen

I'm sorry everything is not working out for you. My one question: What does your FI have to say about all of this? After all, it is HIS sister and niece that you promised could be in the wedding. Is he helping you out? 

psichick

you should not plan a wedding around the feelings of a 7 year old. sorry if that sounds harsh. 

for what it's worth, most of us don't have all those things you mentioned. i didn't have most of them. i don't have a sister. my mother passed away. my father lives four hours away from me. my moh lives in manhattan so while she was there for dress fittings and such since the store was in manhattan, she wasn't able to help with any thing else. not that i expected her to. that's what my husband was for. it's you and your FI's job to plan you wedding, and you should do what will make you two happy. 

honestly, it's not as much work as you think it will be. just make lists and stay organized. but if you want to do a small thing with just you two, then do that. you can have a wonderful wedding on a small budget, so don't worry about that. and use the resources you have here on this site, the ladies here for the most part are wonderful and will help you out as much as they can.

suppahipbride

****WHEW!!!***** You remind me of me when I was planning. My biggest tip: RELAX_I too pondered eloping with my fiance, but i realized we would like to have the memory pf the day with fam and friends. Planning can be overwheling and a wedding planner helps but a ood one can be pricey. Go to Barnes and Noble or a bokstore with used books and get a guide to wedding planning. Keep a folder for all your contracts. Get a goo calendar/daily planner to keep at alll times. And make lists. Enlist your finace to help you. Whatever your friends can do even from afar) let them help. It is your day but you don;t want to go broke or be fighting with your new hubby about money. Stick to your budget. Your guest list will dictate budget and vice versa. If a person criticizes you, blow it off. If their wallet is not helping to pay, their opinion really doesn't matter!LOL You'll be fine. I feel like i planned forever and now we are less than a month away. Get your little things doen 1st. Do a little each week so your not overwhelmed closer to your date. You'll be great! And congrats.

BeeBee22

The most important thing here is your health. Wedding planning is more stressful than fun for lots of people.  Sit down with your FI and discuss this in detail before you become even more overwhelmed.  This is affecting you in entirely understandable emotional ways, so decide together what kind of wedding you really want and can afford and plan accordingly.

   

If your FI's sister can't understand and communicate to her daughter why she's no longer a flower girl, they have serious brat/bad parenting issues.  She may be sad, but if she has a huge issue with it then that's a behavioral problem of hers, not yours.  Kids get over stuff.  Don't make yourself sick over this.

Heffalump

We also moved to NC two years before our wedding, all of my BMs were up in Chicago (along with my mom), and I don't have any sisters, either.  And you know what?  Everything was just fine.  I planned a wedding while working full time and getting an MBA.  13-14 months is plenty if you manage your time well.

And let me disabuse you of this myth that wedding planning is the happiest time of your life.  Maybe back when women lived with their parents until they married and had nothing better to do, but there's nothing magical about the year leading up to Your Big Daaaaay that should make it stress-free, 24/7 bliss.  It has its ups and downs like everything else.

However, it sounds like you're adding significantly to your stress by making way too big a deal out of this.  You have lots of time.  If you truly want a DW, then start planning one instead of wringing your hands over it.  Before you put down any more deposits, sit down with your FI and really think about what the two of you actually want.

As for the flower girl, yeah, maybe it will suck for a day or two, but she'll get over it.  This is what we call a teachable moment:  kids need to learn that sometimes things don't go your way, there are disappointments in life but we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move on.  In the grand scheme of things, not being a flower girl is not a life-ruining event.

nbkq6bf

Thanks, everyone! I think I may have typed in circles a little and my post took a completely different direction than intended.  I guess nothing worth having comes easy, right? It isn't that I feel like I won't enjoy my wedding without parties and such beforehand, I just want to feel like I'm enjoying my engagement and the wedding planning process, I guess. I don't have anyone here at all to share this with. FI is great and has been a really good sport about tagging along with me to meet with vendors and such. But, if I start asking his advice on decorations and set up and colors and yada yada, he's very function before fashion and regardless of what his opinion is, he will go with the least expensive option every time without even openly considering other stuff. I guess it isn't the same for guys, that's why I feel like I wish I had the kind of support than a lot of other brides do when putting this together. I don't feel confident in anything I've chosen or decided on and don't have anyone like-minded to tell me if it's great or if it sucks.

*sigh* I guess it is what it is, right? I feel like I can't turn back now so I have to keep pushing through. I have to find the motivation to pick it back up again because I lost in somewhere along the way...

krdrbm1015

Trust me when I say (as PP's have said) this is not supposed to be happy and blissful  Planning a wedding can be a very stressful things to do (and very time consuming). I understand your feelings on not really knowing what to do or who to turn to, but this is really about you and your fiance.  Instead of feeling sad that you dont have a gaggle of girls to share this with, see it as an opportunity for you and you FI to create a special day that represents the both of you.  I would imagine many men are function before fashion especially with regards to wedding related stuff, but that doesn't mean that you can't discuss your ideas with him.  See this as an opportunity to let your creativity flow.  There are also millions of website (including the one we're on) with plenty of advice and suggestions for how to plan a wedding.  By not having a group of girls to consult on everything you also won't have to worry about someone saying, "well personally I just don't like it, but its your day....."  Ultimately what matters is your health.  You need to decide if you are up to the challenge of planning your wedding or if its going to be too much for you.  Also if you are that worried about turning down a 7 year old, you could always have a small wedding (literally immediate family) and have her as your only other member of the wedding party.  Good luck!

ceyring

Why don't you wait a few days and see if you still feel the same way.  It's easy to get overwhelmed with stress, we've all been there.

What matters most is what kind of wedding you and your fiance want.  You definitely shouldn't feel obligated to have a traditional, formal wedding if that isn't you.  I don't think the flower girl situation represents that much of a commitment.  Meaning, if you decide to do a whole other kind of wedding that doesn't include a flower girl, there's nothing wrong with that. 

lisaandcorey

I am so sorry to hear about your mother.  I know that is probably what is really making things difficult for you right now.  I know how you feel.  My grandmother, who I am very close to, is terminally ill as well.  She also has alzheimer's.  There are days when I get really sad and feel guilty about being excited about my wedding.  The hardest day was when I made my guest list and knew that I could not write her name on my list...I can't even write this without crying.  Although she has forgotten many things, I am happy to say that she remembers me and my name.

If you would rather have a ceremony with just you and your groom, do it.  You do not owe anything to anyone but him and if he is ok with it, that is  all that matters.  If you are still concerned about the niece, you could take her to build a bear or take her out for a girls day.  Kids are easy to please.  Hell, she would probably be just as pleased if you bought her a pretty dress and let her take a picture with you and her uncle while she is holding and/or throwing some flower petals around. 

If you want to push forward and plan your wedding, I am sure your friends can give you advice via e-mail. And there are plenty of people on here that can help you out with ideas.  There are plenty of bridesto be  that would tell you that you are in a pretty good position right now because you don't have a gazillion people around you pressuring you, giving you their unsolicited opinions, and acting crazy (weddings seem to bring out the nutty side in people). 

Please know that you are not the only one feeling this way.  Just this morning while my fiance sat in our car waiting for a tow truck to pick up our car that died on us, I looked over at him and said "we can scrap this whole wedding thing and buy two cars".  I go back and forth everyday and our wedding is 9-10-11.  Whenever something stressful happens, I am ready to forfeit our deposit money and go to the courthouse.

Enjoy this time with your fiance and do what is best for the two of you...I hope you take time to really think about what you want.