Wedding Woes

Can i un-ask a bridesmaid to be in the wedding? needing opinions!

I have this briedsmaid that i ask to be in the wedding durring the summer before several of us went on a vacation together with our mates. I had become good friends with this girl over about 9 months up until the summer, when all of a sudden she total changed well actually changed back to what she use to act like before we were friends but i thought she had just changed for the better when we started to become friends.She was talking about leaving her husband and trying to find a husband that could give her the things she wanted in life like a harley and she wanted to live in the city. She became all about material things and shes the kind of person that when shes unhappy she threatens to leave her husband and then he buys her back (laptop, tiffanys, ipod) So she changed back to her old self and me and my other friends didnt hear from her for 3 months. And now all of a sudden she is asking about when she needs to buy a dress oh and her husband is in the wedding by the way. At every get together (weddings & parties) she always makes a scene and starts a fight with her husband and threatens to leave him, the past three weddings she has done this. Is it wrong if i ask this girl to either not be in the wedding or to play a different role in the wedding? When i had asked her to be in the wedding i thought she had changed and was no longer like this but she has returned to her old ways. Please help! what should i do? this is a major stresser for me.

Re: Can i un-ask a bridesmaid to be in the wedding? needing opinions!

  • edited December 2011
    UN-ASK HER! You can be polite about it. Don't bring up anything other than "hey, haven't heard from you in a few months..." leave her materialistic-self out of it. I wish my friend had done this, guess what? Her bm pulled out all of her stunts on the wedding day! She knows shes not a good friend to you!
  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You can unask her, but a move like that is friendship-ending. There's no polite way to tell someone you don't like them enough to be in your wedding anymore. She doesn't sound like a great person, so do what you want to do. Just know that it will either result in a) her husband dropping out of the wedding as well or b) her still making a scene at your wedding (seeing as how she'll be there with her husband).
  • edited December 2011
    There are a couple problems with this situation, but I'll start with this- are you willing to end your relationship with her over this?  Is your FI friends with her husband? I'm assuming so, since he's a GM.  the GM obviously still cares about his wife to some degree, if he's buying her back, so it could make things awkward for your FI.

    If you un-ask her, and she does still attend the ceremony/reception (assuming the GM doesn't drop out), you need to have someone ready to escort her out if/when she starts to make a scene. 

    Truthfully, there are very few reasons that are legitimate to unask a BM, eg- she slept with your FI.  I don't see that in this situation, and while the girl sounds unpleasant, most of the things she is doing don't affect you at all.  If she tries to make a scene at the wedding, quickly have her (and her DH) escorted out by several people.  Those individuals should be alerted about the situation beforehand so they can keep an eye on her.
  • SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2011

    swim makes a good point. Just becuase she is not a BM doesn't mean she won't be there. You can't ask her not to attend because that would be rude to her husband. Not only would this be a friendship ending move for you, but if she is as manipulative of her hubby as you report, then its probably a friendship ending move for your FI too.
     Just ignore her day of. Give her instructions on what to wear, where to be, and when, and then just go about your day.

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  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    unasking her is saying "yeah, we're close, I want to share this day with you....oh wait.  Changed my mind.  Not that close.  Don't really like you".

    It ends friendships because it's a pretty dang big slap in the face.  Tends to be reserved for doing something horrid. 
    Which doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't do it (although it probably does.  This isn't heinous so much as you used poor judgement in asking).  It just means, expect backlash if you do it--because you ARE insulting her..  And expect it to affect your husbands' relationship w/ her man too.
  • Paige6Paige6 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think its a HUGE mistake to unask her.  I would just let your MOH know to keep an eye on her durring the wedding and reception.  Its just not worth all the drama.  Espeacially because she will be at the wedding anyway.  Take the high road.
  • edited December 2011
    I have a VERY similar situation with my MOH and one of our GM. My FI actually UNASKED his GM and the guy was actually fine about it. Men typically aren't as sensitive as women...but my MOH I haven't even gotten the guts to tell her yet.

    Definitely keep her in. And I'm a person who's willing to unask anyone if their actions warrant it. If she is already a big drama queen, not being in the wedding after she's already been told she is...is going to make it worse. I would hate her to make an even bigger scene bc she's angry and spiteful!
  • rockerchic223rockerchic223 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    If you don't want her to make a scene then maybe you should communicate this to her first.  Ask her nicely if she could tone it down for the wedding and hopefully she will be mature enough to deal with it and suck it up for a day.  If she can't be on good "wedding behavior" then she shouldn't be allowed to be in the wedding.  Especially if it is stressing you out to the point of not knowing what to do, because it's the last thing you want to be thinking about. And yes it will probably ruin your friendship with her, but it doesn't sound like she is friend material anyways, just from her past performances at different events.

  • LarissaAnnLarissaAnn member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Assuming she's not going to start the breakup fight DURING your ceremony, will it really make a difference if she does it during the reception whether she's wearing her own dress or one that matches your other bridesmaids?  A scene is a scene, and if she's inclined to create one at your wedding then it won't matter whether she's a bridesmaid.

    Plus, if she's that much of a drama queen that you're worried about it, she's likely to be MORE dramatic if you ditch her from the wedding party or even give her a "talking to" about her behavior prior to the wedding.

    My advice:  Keep her in the wedding and don't worry about it.  If all goes well, great.  If she starts a fight, she's the one who looks like an ass, not you.  Short of setting fire to the reception venue or starting a movie-scale barfight, it shouldn't ruin your party.
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you everyone for your opinion, I forgot i had posted this and just now stubled across it. I finally heard from the girl that I was talking about after not hearing from her for 5 months! So i think that alone even if i hadent had any other problem with her would have made me think she didnt want to be in the wedding anymore. I was getting ready to call her and and have a conversation with her about how i had not heard from her and figured she didnt want to be in the wedding anymore and i was going to leave it at that and tell her i went ahead and picked a differnt girl. But knowing her it wouldnt be that easy and she drug her marriage drama into it. She told me that she thinks her relationship with her husband is better than mine with my FI becase she thinks its good  have drama in your marriage cause it makes things interesting.The kind of drama  she has created in her marriage is the topic of her having cheated on her husband and constantly putting him down in public and annoucing to everyone that he has a small penis. She totally humilliates the poor guy and he is one of the nices guys.  she also told me that she had heard from other people that i didnt want her in my wedding and which to tell you the truth i had never told anyone that i had asked her to be in the wedding except my MIL, sister and FI, None of our friends even knew. So her saying that is a total lie. Anyways it will be interesting to see if she makes a scene at our wedding which i have already told several people to be on the look out for her and ask her to leave if she does do something. Thanks for listening to my rant!
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