Mother In Law Trouble

BrideDesi

I was planning on having a small dinner at my house for my rehearsal dinner, I was going to have it catered.  I was planning on it just being the bridal party, groomsmen and our parents.  I want something small and simple because I know how stressed out I am going to be at that point in time.  My fiancés family offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  I do not want to do it her way, so I was planning on paying for my way.  But she is insisting I am doing it wrong and she intends to folow her plans through.

My mother in law told me I have to (her words not mine), invite all of the out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner.  This brought the total up from the 15 people (myself and fiancée included) to around 50 people.  I know I am not going to be in any mood to entertain and speak to that many people.  However, that is not my only problem, I have told her at least three times what I wanted to do for the rehearsal dinner, every time her response is nasty looks and rude comments.  She tells me it is not appropriate, rude and that the guests expect us to do this. 

We received a phone call from her the other day to find out what time the wedding rehearsal would be done, we told her we don't know, the contract was at home and we were out.  She told us she needed to know right away, she was meeting with the man the next day to reserve the room for the rehearsal dinner.  There are 3 things that bother me in this situation:
A. She is totally ignoring us and what we would like to do
B. She was setting up the rehearsal dinner without asking us
C. She never asked me how many family members I had coming in from out of town

What should I do in this situation, the woman is driving me nuts! 

SarahPLiz

But she is paying, so she has the say. If you want to host it and have control over it, you need to refuse her offer to pay and then pay for it yourself.
Yes, she should respect your wishes, but she thinks that she will be perceived as inhospitable if she doesn't invite the OOT guests. This is normal in some circles. She wants to what she perceives as a good hostess, and to her your requests seem silly and rude (not that they are).

If you want her to pay, let her run it. She will be the host so she can greet all the guests. YOu may even be able to duck out right after dinner..

If you want to run it, then you pay. That's the general rule.

felicia220

This is a tough one, what does your FI have to say about all this? Has he tried talking to her? 

When my FI and I started talking about about registries, we wanted to do a honeymoon fund, my mother freaked out.  She said that it was tacky and that she would not ask people to give me money to go on a honeymoon.  I explained to her that we already live together and with a guest list of 350 there is no way we could fill a registry for that many people to buy off of.  Once we moved into our new house she came over to help me unpack, when she saw how much stuff we already had for the house, she realized that it made more sense to do the Honeymoon fund.  (She also realized that a lot has changed since she got married.) If your FMIL is really concerned about offending people then she just needs to explain the situation to her friends and family, there is nothing that you can do if those people don't understand. But first your FI needs to make his mom see that its not 1975 anymore and things are done a little differently in 2010. Oh and its your wedding, if you really don't want to do this and you go through with it, you will end up resenting her and that won't end well.

duckie1905

If she's paying then she reserves the right to invite whomever she wants, regardless of how many you feel should be invited.  If you don't like it you need to pony up the cash.  If you can't or won't then you need to sit back, relax, and keep quiet.

Butter Cookie

She who pays, says. If she wants to invite a carnival crew, if she's paying for it, then she gets to do it. Just grin and bear it, and be gracious because in all truth, in 2010, she doesn't HAVE to pay for the rehearsal dinner.

katorigasuki

if she is truly paying, she's gets to decide.

be gracious and just deal.  if you can't deal with 50 people at the RD, then how are you going ot handle the 100+ at your actual wedding.

and where is your FI in all this.  he should be dealing with her as she's his mother.

CaptainSerious

My fiancés family offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  I do not want to do it her way, so I was planning on paying for my way.  But she is insisting I am doing it wrong and she intends to folow her plans through

If I'm reading this correctly, you don't want her to pay, and she's planning her own party to conflict with the dinner you were planning on hosting.  I'd be so fed up at this point, I'd let her go ahead and plan her own dinner, and you go ahead and plan yours.  Chances are anyone involved in the wedding will follow you to your dinner, and your FMIL would lose her deposit.

Of course, that would make for bad relations to start your marriage.  I'd be so angry, though, I'd be tempted!

MairePoppy

If you are willing to pay for your own RD, then you get to do it your way. But, I don't understand how having the party at your house would be less stressful than letting your mother-in-law handle it at a banquet hall.  I'd be so happy that someone else is willing to pay, that I would give her carte blanche, as long as she is including your family members.

ckamp05

I see where she is coming from, inviting out of town guests. I was recently an out of town guest for a wedding. We had to show up the night before because it was an 8 hour drive. And I can say that I would have been upset if we wouldn't have been invited to the rehearsal dinner. Needless to say at our wedding, out of town guests are definitely invited to the rehearsal dinner.

rae19

Oh man Desi do I understand your problem! My future mother in law is already inviting every Tom, Jack & Harry to both the rehearsal dinner AND the wedding without our permission. It's embarassing because we are still figuring out our guest list and budget! The kicker is she has been divorced from FI's dad for over 20 years and is not offering one cent (yet is taking herself on TWO tropical vacations 6 months before the big day). Future father in law and wife have graciously offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, which I am so grateful for and do not want to ask them to essentially pay for a meal for 150 people! We would need another reception hall! I feel bad because his family have to travel 6-7 hours for the wedding, but since we've allowed the wedding to get so large to accompany all their "extra persons", we both really want a more intimate rehearsal dinner. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to manage this? FI is on my side but is of the less confrontational side. Thanks for the help ladies!!!

swim1011

First of all, it's your FI's mother, so he should be dealing with her.  Period.  Second, in some areas it is custom to invite OOT guests, but not everywhere, and not in every case.  Everyone coming to our wedding is from OOT, and I refuse to ask everyone from the wedding guest list to the rehearsal.  Ain't happenin.

If you and your FI want to foot your own RD, that's fine.  Have your FI put his foot down, and don't back down.  The only problem I really see in all this is that having it at YOUR house, the night before the wedding, may really be more stress than you want to deal with.