"Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?

EdsdollfaceJen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:dd27e4ac-1851-4c99-8940-366d202f3057">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]oh, and just because the recruiting officer suggested it does not mean it is a legitimate thing people do. the recruiting officers have to get people to join. they can say whatever they want, even if it is a stretch of truth. i had the guy tell me he could guarantee that me and my friend would be together during bootcamp. i never enlisted, no idea if he was being honest or not, but his attitude towards me changed completely once he knew i was not going to enlist. he was mean after that.
Posted by Wifezzilla[/QUOTE]

I remember the high school recruiter got quite mean with me when I said I wasn't interested either. My mom had to tell him to stop calling. Freak.

mrsbjorn1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:c337c27c-bd91-4273-8eeb-3d5157945810">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]Getting married before he goes to boot camp so that you can get more money is using a LOOPHOLE. And if you love him so much, what does it matter waiting another few months? Or are you hoping to get knocked up before he gets shipped off so that you can (wait for it!) GET MORE MONEY?
Posted by MrsMyrtle[/QUOTE]

Yes dear, and as I said I wasn't the one looking for any loopholes. The recruiter brought the idea to my fiance and we talked about it since the facts are that we love each other, we're already engaged and planning on getting married (unlike those who get married simply because their SO enlists) and we thought about doing this to make it easier on us financially while he's gone.

If this wasn't the situation, nothing would be different so I'm not quite sure how you come to the decision that we're getting married "for money." And no, we're not planning to have children until (wait for it) I have a better job so that we can live comfortably raising our family! Gosh how irresponsible can we craaazy kids get? 

I've never seen so many rude, bitter or condescending people in one place as I do here on the knot.


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StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:af7d51b1-f358-4beb-8558-bc78526553b0">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp? : Well aren't you just a merry beam of sunshine?  We're already engaged. We have been for 6 months. We're getting married because we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. <strong>We planned our wedding for September so that our friends and family would have time to plan their travel to come see us get married (all my family is 1,200+ miles away.</strong> What makes you think I'm not already looking for a new job? Please stop assuming. I am not the one looking for any loopholes here. I just want to marry the man I love and have the wedding we've been planning for 6 months. I supported my fiance's decision to join the reserves but when he found out about the fact that it would mean that money would be an issue since I don't make enough money to pay for everything on my own, he voiced his concern to the recruiter, who then made the suggestion that we get married on paper to ease our financial concerns.  And thanks for suggesting out marriage is now doomed for divorce. What is your problem?
Posted by mrsbjorn1[/QUOTE]

But if you get married in a courthouse wedding, your friends and family <em>won't</em> get to see you get married in September, because, you know, you'll already be married in September.  They may very well be willing to travel anyway to see what will be a vow renewal and your reception, but it's really, really unfair of you to keep it a secret from them.  I know a couple that did this (had a "secret" wedding about 3 months before their very expensive destination wedding), and most of their guests found out either at their destination "wedding" or shortly after that it wasn't the real wedding.  All were pretty P.O.ed at having spent hundreds upon hundreds of dollars and vacation time to attend what they thought was a wedding, only to learn that in fact, they'd been lied to by the couple they were supposed to be celebrating.  It's fine to have a courthouse wedding and then plan a vow-renewal at a later date, but please, do not lie to people who are travelling 1200 miles for you - it's just rude.

MinM

You weren't looking for loopholes, but now that one has been presented to you, you are considering taking advantage of it, yes? That makes you just as guilty as someone who went looking for it and took advantage of it. How you found it is irrelevant. No. It really is not relevant.

If you get married now, so he can get more money YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED FOR MONEY, depsite all of the other things you say about your relationship.

mrsbjorn1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:eeaed208-b2d6-457c-87e3-8c3d798982fa">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp? : But if you get married in a courthouse wedding, your friends and family won't get to see you get married in September, because, you know, you'll already be married in September.  They may very well be willing to travel anyway to see what will be a vow renewal and your reception, but it's really, really unfair of you to keep it a secret from them.  I know a couple that did this (had a "secret" wedding about 3 months before their very expensive destination wedding), and most of their guests found out either at their destination "wedding" or shortly after that it wasn't the real wedding.  All were pretty P.O.ed at having spent hundreds upon hundreds of dollars and vacation time to attend what they thought was a wedding, only to learn that in fact, they'd been lied to by the couple they were supposed to be celebrating.  It's fine to have a courthouse wedding and then plan a vow-renewal at a later date, but please, do not lie to people who are travelling 1200 miles for you - it's just rude.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Thank you for a helpful and thoughtful suggestion! I appreciate it. I think part of the reason I've been freaking out is the fact that I don't think I would actually be able to keep a secret this big! I've been torn because I don't want people's feelings to be hurt if they find out later, but I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by doing this courthouse thing so soon without the people there who would likely really want to be here and see us get married but can't make the trip in such short notice.


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MinM

Zilla - shut up. Recruiters NEVER exagerrate, gloss over the facts, or over simplify things - never.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:08cb9a92-ad75-4677-a8ad-e948bc1b1759">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp? : Thank you for a helpful and thoughtful suggestion! I appreciate it. I think part of the reason I've been freaking out is the fact that I don't think I would actually be able to keep a secret this big! I've been torn because I don't want people's feelings to be hurt if they find out later, but I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by doing this courthouse thing so soon without the people there who would likely really want to be here and see us get married but can't make the trip in such short notice.
Posted by mrsbjorn1[/QUOTE]

You should definitely be up-front with people about what you're doing if you go this route - it's easier, kinder, and just all around better than lying.  Also, keep in mind that it's very inappropriate to have the traditional "pre-wedding" parties (bachelorette, bridal shower) once you're already married, so getting married this quickly may very well mean that you don't get to have those.  Frankly, with my friends who had a "secret" wedding, this was another thing people were very, very annoyed about - the bride had a ridiculous, expensive, Atlantic-City bachelorette, and we all found out later that <em>she was already married during the bachelorette party</em>.  NOT.  COOL.  Ditto on the shower. 

Also, some people may still judge you for essentially trying to have two weddings, so be prepared to accept that.  You're making a decision that people aren't going to agree with - that's your choice to make, but don't get defensive or lash out at people over it (the way you have at some points in this thread).  Be gracious, be honest, and do your best to follow proper etiquette throughout.  That's the best way to avoid causing long-term damage to relationships with your family and friends.

mrsbjorn1

Ok "Community"...

1. I have a job. I do not make a lot of money.
2. I am looking for another job.
3. I have looked for a 2nd job. With my full-time hours, I'm looking at either food service or retail. Thanks for the suggestion. Got it.
4. My fiance has enlisted, it's a done deal and I'm proud of him for doing that.
5. We talked about this whole early civil ceremony thing because we actually did the math and I literally would not be able to make ends meet on my own with my small salary and the money he would be sending me at boot camp or at A school as a single person with no dependents -- I agree. This would have been useful information to know beforehand. Thank you.
6. This hasn't actually happened. I've been thinking about it lot and freaking out about it and haven't known who to talk to, which is why I came to the knot with my "Wedding Woe" -- obviously a mistake.
7. Thank you to those who actually posted with your advice, and not just some rude, sarcistic or offensive comment about my life, relationship or circumstances.

MinM

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:50b9355c-3488-49b3-bde7-9855ddff9ae4">"Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok... So my FI and I have been together for nearly 4 years. Engaged for 6 months, planning our wedding for September 2012 (9 months away). He is THE one. The person who makes me happiest in this world -- He knows me better than anyone, makes me laugh, always makes me feel great, amazing love life, etc. We already live together, have 2 pets, and are SO excited to make it "official" -- so here's the thing: He recently signed up to join the reserves. I'm totally supportive of that, very proud of him, etc. HOWEVER. He will be gone for 2 months at the beginning of 2012 for boot camp and then he will be gone for his A-school (like job training) for however long that takes. They don't pay you very well while you're at boot camp and my FI is the breadwinner in our home. His recruiter told us that if we're already married before he leaves, his checks will be bigger since I'm his dependent and suggested that we get married on paper in a civil ceremony before he leaves. Now, neither of us are very religious, and we weren't planning to have a church wedding anyway. In fact, we have planned our wedding at a hotel and are still looking for an officiant. My FI and I still want to have our September wedding but are talking about getting married at the Courthouse before because my income and his check from the military will not be enough for me to live on my own for 2+ months in our home. I'm kind of freaking out about the idea of a "secret wedding" though! Any thoughts?
Posted by mrsbjorn1[/QUOTE]

You asked for thoughts and you got them. If in the future you simply want validation, ask for that. Honesty is always best.

mrsbjorn1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:6f21a510-00b6-4f04-9bc9-023cb078b4c4">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp? : You should definitely be up-front with people about what you're doing if you go this route - it's easier, kinder, and just all around better than lying.  Also, keep in mind that it's very inappropriate to have the traditional "pre-wedding" parties (bachelorette, bridal shower) once you're already married, so getting married this quickly may very well mean that you don't get to have those.  Frankly, with my friends who had a "secret" wedding, this was another thing people were very, very annoyed about - the bride had a ridiculous, expensive, Atlantic-City bachelorette, and we all found out later that she was already married during the bachelorette party .  NOT.  COOL.  Ditto on the shower.  Also, some people may still judge you for essentially trying to have two weddings, so be prepared to accept that.  You're making a decision that people aren't going to agree with - that's your choice to make, but don't get defensive or lash out at people over it (the way you have at some points in this thread).  Be gracious, be honest, and do your best to follow proper etiquette throughout.  That's the best way to avoid causing long-term damage to relationships with your family and friends.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Again, thank you! It's refreshing to hear from someone with manners. Yes, I am aware of all the wedding pleasantries we would be giving up by getting married this way. It's not my preference but my fiance wants to be sure that I am taken care of in his absence. As for lashing out, I am actually an extremely even-tempered person with my loved ones, but I do not hold my tongue or take kindly to complete strangers who pass judgement against me.


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MrsMyrtle

If we're so rude and offensive, why are you still here?

mrsbjorn1

I'm actually doing some research now and it looks like we might be able to put our mortgage, his car payments and insurance into deferment while he is gone, which could actually be the solution to the financial issues we've been concerned about. Gosh it would have been great if the recruiter had told us about THAT little tidbit of information...

mrsbjorn1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:1cb86fba-34ff-4e14-8079-56352f4d94ff">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]If we're so rude and offensive, why are you still here?
Posted by MrsMyrtle[/QUOTE]

Well dear heart I'm here because this is MY post. Remember? I had a topic, I posted about it, got a bunch of responses about the topic I posted... Typically how these boards work. May I ask why you are still here?

mrsbjorn1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:040aea50-07ea-4e84-8813-1faf29afec51">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]myrtle, dont scare them away! mrs bjorn, as you can see, "secret wedding" topics become heated debates. it's just a glimpse into what kind of things will go through your guests' heads if you don't tell them you're already married if you plan a renewal.
Posted by Wifezzilla[/QUOTE]

Thank you Wifezzilla, I'll be sure to put more time and effort into naming any future posts I write if it means avoiding this cluster.

MinM

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:7e93dc2d-10da-4396-bcab-286614024b06">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm actually doing some research now and it looks like we might be able to put our mortgage, his car payments and insurance into deferment while he is gone, which could actually be the solution to the financial issues we've been concerned about. Gosh it would have been great if the recruiter had told us about THAT little tidbit of information...
Posted by mrsbjorn1[/QUOTE]

::ded::

MrsMyrtle

*snort*

Yeah, good luck with that. Probably a good idea to do some research on the consequences of deferring before you actually do it.

NOLABridesmaid

I thought a deferred car payment is the repo man.

mrsbjorn1

Seriously you people aren't even "brides" -- you've all been married for 3 years or more so what are you even doing on the knot? Get a life.

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:99217de4-a39a-4856-8e13-18d2f7207b7a">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]Seriously you people aren't even "brides" -- you've all been married for 3 years or more so what are you even doing on the knot? Get a life.
Posted by mrsbjorn1[/QUOTE]

You don't know her guys.  YOU DON'T KNOW HER!!!!!!!

MinM

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:99217de4-a39a-4856-8e13-18d2f7207b7a">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]Seriously you people aren't even "brides" -- you've all been married for 3 years or more so what are you even doing on the knot? Get a life.
Posted by mrsbjorn1[/QUOTE]

If the only people on here were brides, who would answer questions about weddings? Oh, I know! Army Reserves recruiting officers.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:bfc21bfe-196d-421b-8916-984a244d579d">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp? : If the only people on here were brides, who would answer questions about weddings? Oh, I know! Army Reserves recruiting officers.
Posted by MinM[/QUOTE]

I feel sorry for all of your husbands.  :-P

nicoleg1982

I feel sorry for them, too.  All of you chairass harpies.

PMeg819

1. You can do a deferrment but it generally does not apply to people who have just enlisted and are not deployed. Military deferrments for things like mortgages, etc. do require you to show proof of your orders and reporting for basic training isn't usually sufficient. FYI.

2. For cereal, your FI sounds like a gem. So he wants to enlist, and he goes and does it. I'm sure he had your blessing, but you still have not addressed that during the whole process of enlisting, prior to signing the enlistment papers, did he talk to anyone about how much he'd be paid or what you two would do financially with the loss of his current income. Hoping it works out isn't really a great solution and you two rocket scientists need to think about these things beforehand better. Of course the recruiter is going to say things like "just get married". He's trying to sell you something.