Wedding Woes
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"Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?

Ok... So my FI and I have been together for nearly 4 years. Engaged for 6 months, planning our wedding for September 2012 (9 months away). He is THE one. The person who makes me happiest in this world -- He knows me better than anyone, makes me laugh, always makes me feel great, amazing love life, etc. We already live together, have 2 pets, and are SO excited to make it "official" -- so here's the thing:

He recently signed up to join the reserves. I'm totally supportive of that, very proud of him, etc. HOWEVER. He will be gone for 2 months at the beginning of 2012 for boot camp and then he will be gone for his A-school (like job training) for however long that takes. They don't pay you very well while you're at boot camp and my FI is the breadwinner in our home. His recruiter told us that if we're already married before he leaves, his checks will be bigger since I'm his dependent and suggested that we get married on paper in a civil ceremony before he leaves.

Now, neither of us are very religious, and we weren't planning to have a church wedding anyway. In fact, we have planned our wedding at a hotel and are still looking for an officiant. My FI and I still want to have our September wedding but are talking about getting married at the Courthouse before because my income and his check from the military will not be enough for me to live on my own for 2+ months in our home. I'm kind of freaking out about the idea of a "secret wedding" though! Any thoughts?


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Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?

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    edited December 2011

    Marrying for money never ended badly for anyone.

    Have you considered the alternative and becoming self-sufficient so you can support yourself, despite your marital status?

    image
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Thumbs down to secret weddings.  If you must do this, don't make it a secret.  Get married at the courthouse, and have a larger reception later.
    image
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    edited December 2011
    A secret anything is not the way to start a marriage. Be honest with people- military couples do this all the time. Is there a reason you don't work to help out? Not judging, just curious.
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    MrsMyrtleMrsMyrtle member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Do what you want, but don't lie to your friends & family about it. People are bound to find out eventually.
    image
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    tawillerstawillers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are my DH's BFF's wife 4 years ago.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1b58d09f-4dfa-4ce1-a340-1429ed55e1ecPost:514f8be3-dd33-416b-8825-ab3e04e4e0a2">Re: engagement/ bridal shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well said, rose.ashleymae! Quit being mean girls who act like OP is "cheating" by having a wedding ceremony after her civil one. Sounds like jealousy to me... Her question was how to her mom's request to throw her a party, and that is the only thing that needs replying to. All you other girls are so rude for implying she's lying or lacking "proper etiquette" by having a 2nd ceremony. Not everyone fits into a perfect mold of circumstances but I believe every girl DOES "deserve" her Big Day to be exactly how she's always dreamed. Quit being so judgy and focus on your own ceremonies. There are no hard-and-fast rules that we all must abide by. Sheesh.
    Posted by mrsbjorn1[/QUOTE]

    Hmmmm????
    image
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    edited December 2011
    Ok so mmaybe "breadwinner" was the wrong word to use here. I DO work. My FI just makes more money than I do -- I would not be able to pay all of our bills (including our mortgage) and take care of both mine and his financial responsibilities (both of our car payments, for example) on just my pay check and his small check from the military for 2+ months.

    I guess we had planned on keeping it a secret because we still want to have our "wedding" wedding -- walking down the aisle in my dress and exchanging vows in front of loved ones -- in September. And I think people would think that's weird if they know we've already been married for 9 months. I'm not really crazy about this courthouse ceremony thing but he wants to make sure I don't struggle financially while he's gone.

    And we're not getting married for money. We love each other. Just came here for opinions and some support. No need to be nasty,


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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Oh.  So she doesn't support herself because she's super, super young, looks like.
    image
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:92aa791c-f8ac-4833-8815-89f49c2e23de">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: engagement/ bridal shower : Hmmmm????
    Posted by MinM[/QUOTE]

    Yes -- GUILTY. I DID post that response (probably months ago now) to that girl's question -- and I really felt that at the time for her and her situation. In case you're wondering, my FI just enlisted a week ago so obviously this is a new situation for me. Kudos to you for paying attention, though!


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    TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Here's the thing about a wedding. The whole point is to publicly declare your commitment to one another. If it's secret, there's no public declaration. What there is is a whole lot of stress surrounding this giant secret that you've decided to keep from everyone.

    Get a job and support yourself while he's gone. Then continue with your wedding as planned when he returns.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:bae56111-af54-4d25-a7bb-009ec771fc4c">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh.  So she doesn't support herself because she's super, super young, looks like.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

    Well, in case you're wondering I'm 25. Not sure why that matters... I don't have a high-paying job. Sorry?


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    edited December 2011
    I have a friend that did this- and invited close family to the courthouse and then had the ceremony months later. No one thought it was odd. People will understand you want your special day, but logistics get in the way sometimes.
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Secret weddings are a bad idea.  Get a part time job instead.
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You can dress up and say vows at a courthouse wedding.  I do wonder, though, why your FI didn't think of the fact that the two of you couldn't pay the bills before he signed the reserve papers.
    image
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:3c24741f-4868-4cfc-aa33-ccbf320dc766">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's the thing about a wedding. The whole point is to publicly declare your commitment to one another. If it's secret, there's no public declaration. What there is is a whole lot of stress surrounding this giant secret that you've decided to keep from everyone. <strong>Get a job and support yourself while he's gone</strong>. Then continue with your wedding as planned when he returns.
    Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

    Thank you. I do have a job. However, I do not have a high-paying salary, and wouldn't be able to pay our mortgage, my student loans, both of our car payments, insurance, our electricity, both of our cell phone bills, utilities, groceries, credit card bills and whatever else we have in expenses on my own while he's away.


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    edited December 2011
    1) You are getting married for money if you do it now, not in 9 months.

    2) Why did he sign up for this if you can afford it?

    3) If you can't afford to support yourself, you should be looking for a new job, not a loophole into a bigger paycheck for your FI. Is this recruiter going to pay for your divorce in case your premature marriage does not end well? That was a crappy recommendation.
    image
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    hmonkeyhmonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    by any chance, do you clean hotel rooms?
    image
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:b9299797-fa58-40e6-adbe-61eda65d367b">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp? : Thank you. I do have a job. However, I do not have a high-paying salary, and wouldn't be able to pay our mortgage, my student loans, both of our car payments, insurance, our electricity, both of our cell phone bills, utilities, groceries, credit card bills and whatever else we have in expenses on my own while he's away.
    Posted by mrsbjorn1[/QUOTE]

    OK, but he's making money while at boot camp, no?  And the armed services will be providing three meals a day, shelter, and clothing for him? 

    So he should have very low overhead while at boot camp, so the money he makes should come to you to operate your household.  

    If that and your salary are not enough, then you should take on a part time job. 

    Does your FI's company not pay the gap in wages?  The reason I ask is that my H's company does.  They hold the job and pay a wage gap for service members.  If he hasn't investigated this, he may want to.
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    firechick83firechick83 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    A lot of military people get married before they go to boot camp or are shipped off.  The only problem I have is the secret part.  If you want a second ceremony when he gets back, have it.  The people we know that have done this usually just have a reception but iit's about you, your FI & what you want as a couple.  If you don't want to get married right now & want to keep everything in September as planned, you could look at getting a second job (if you don't have one already) to make up the extra income :)   Good luck & I hope everything works out for you guys!
    image March 2012 Bride Siggy Challenge
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:7fb091ca-b28f-46b9-a9ef-127d9df40260">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
    [QUOTE]1) You are getting married for money if you do it now, not in 9 months. 2) Why did he sign up for this if you can afford it? 3) If you can't afford to support yourself, you should be looking for a new job, not a loophole into a bigger paycheck for your FI. Is this recruiter going to pay for your divorce in case your premature marriage does not end well? That was a crappy recommendation.
    Posted by MinM[/QUOTE]

    Well aren't you just a merry beam of sunshine? 

    We're already engaged. We have been for 6 months. We're getting married because we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We planned our wedding for September so that our friends and family would have time to plan their travel to come see us get married (all my family is 1,200+ miles away.

    What makes you think I'm not already looking for a new job? Please stop assuming. I am not the one looking for any loopholes here. I just want to marry the man I love and have the wedding we've been planning for 6 months. I supported my fiance's decision to join the reserves but when he found out about the fact that it would mean that money would be an issue since I don't make enough money to pay for everything on my own, he voiced his concern to the recruiter, who then made the suggestion that we get married on paper to ease our financial concerns. 

    And thanks for suggesting out marriage is now doomed for divorce. What is your problem?


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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:d1a085ad-c142-49fb-8850-3de9333150ad">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
    [QUOTE]by any chance, do you clean hotel rooms?
    Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

    No, actually I work for a non-profit organiztion. Thanks. You girls have issues.


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    edited December 2011
    I said 'in case.' And just because it is recommended, doesn't mean you should do it. And just because other people do it, doesn't mean you should do it. If you want to get married, go for it. Just don't keep it a secret. You're going on and on about how you are grown and have a job, so act like it.
    image
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Recruiters are there for exactly that, to recruit.  Of COURSE the recruiter isn't going to agree that this is a bad idea to sign up for right now.
    image
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:ec7a9028-3f8c-41ce-9bfa-b1fb86137db0">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I said 'in case.' And just because it is recommended, doesn't mean you should do it. And just because other people do it, doesn't mean you should do it. If you want to get married, go for it. Just don't keep it a secret. You're going on and on about how you are grown and have a job, so act like it.
    Posted by MinM[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry, how am I acting that would indicate that I am not "grown" or have a job? I am on a wedding website asking other women on this wedding board called "wedding woes" about my own wedding situation. I'm not sure why some of you people are even on here.


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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:9cc7015e-714f-41cb-b34c-22d2afdaf6ec">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp? : <strong>I'm sorry, how am I acting that would indicate that I am not "grown"</strong> or have a job? I am on a wedding website asking other women on this wedding board called "wedding woes" about my own wedding situation. I'm not sure why some of you people are even on here.
    Posted by mrsbjorn1[/QUOTE]

    By proposing to have a secret wedding.

    Why are we here? For you, baby. It's all about you.
    image
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    MrsMyrtleMrsMyrtle member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Getting married before he goes to boot camp so that you can get more money is using a LOOPHOLE.

    And if you love him so much, what does it matter waiting another few months? Or are you hoping to get knocked up before he gets shipped off so that you can (wait for it!) GET MORE MONEY?
    image
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    edited December 2011
    Myrtle - I feel as if you are no longer being supportive and if you are going to be that way, you should probably just leave.
    image
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-wedding-before-boot-camp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a59b43e7-fbf9-4479-923a-5a201a80b3ffPost:ebb54f62-f049-488b-968b-5c69c76171ee">Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Secret Wedding" before Boot Camp? : By proposing to have a secret wedding. Why are we here? For you, baby. It's all about you.
    Posted by MinM[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, still not really sure how that relates at all to "acting" like I'm "grown" and have a job. Thanks for spending all this time on my post, though! it's been lovely. Bless your heart.


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    MrsMyrtleMrsMyrtle member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I fully support her future divorce, Min.
    image
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    edited December 2011
    But she has to get married. The recruiter suggested it. And she doesn't make enough money. THIS IS THE ONLY OPTION! Why can't you see that????
    image
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