Please help! I have a wedding / grandma crisis

Kellkat11

Please, if anyone can offer me some advice I'd so sincerely appreciate it as I do not know what to do about my grandma attending my wedding.

First of all, she 81 and lives an hour and a half away in a nursing home because she can no longer take care of herself and my family cannot afford 24/7 in home healthcare.  My uncle lives in the same town and visits her daily, my mom also drives to visit her weekly.  I visit about once a month... I love my grandma and am very close with her. 

The problem began because my mom and my uncle both really don't want to bring her to the wedding.  They know it means a lot to both me and her, however, it will be a huge strain on them during the wedding.  I thought they were just trying to not deal with the hassle of getting her ready and to the wedding.  Although now the real reason has came out, and that's that they are worried about her having a severe diarrhea accident (which happens often) either on the drive there, back or at the actual ceremony. My mom is afraid that she will have diarrhea and sit in it (because she does that when she makes a mess) and the entire chapel will be able to smell it (and trust me, it is bad).  Then my mom would have to leave and miss the ceremony (which will infuriate her) to take my grandma to the bathroom....
Here's the next problem, if they don't have a handicap toilet, my grandma won't be able to use the bathroom anyway because she does not have the strength to get up off  a regular toilet.  Even if they do have that type of bathroom, it will no doubt be a mess (as it always is) and we probably won't get our deposit back from the chapel.  I don't worry about this on a normal basis because if we take her anywhere, its just down the road to the diner... not an hour and a half trip plus an hour at the chapel, and the trip back.

My mom lied to me earlier this week and told me to not be surprised if she doesn't come because she won't get herself ready and may not remember the wedding at all.  Plus if she's not ready when my uncle comes to pick her up, he will leave her (my family is like that, crazy).  Therefore I called her and told her I would give a reminder call to get ready an hour or so before he is supposed to pick her up.  Well, come to find out, my mom and uncle were just planning on leaving her behind and not mentioning the wedding anymore to her at all, which I think is mean.  However, it is a lot to put on them and I know my mom would be devastated if she missed the wedding because she had to take care of a mess... however one would even do that at this sort of place.

So now that I know why they were intending on not bringing her, I am completely stressed out and don't know how to handle this.  I really want my grandma to be there and I know she wants to be too, but I also understand my mom and uncle's position, and I also don't want my beautiful ceremony to be overtaken and ruined by the smell of diarrhea.

PLEASE HELP!!!

ElleB87

It doesn't have to be your mothers responsibility to take care of gma on your wedding day. YOU can hire a nurse/other care giver.  Also, the staff at the nursing home will obviously have to be kept in the loop about plans and they can make sure gma remembers and get up, etc...

Unless you're planning on leaving your gma's dirty diaper in the middle of the church I see no reason why they wouldn't return the deposit.  I don't know where you got that idea from. As I mentioned before, you could hire a qualified caregiver to help her with bathroom activities.  You can also rent a bench type thing for the day if the facilities do not have handicap toilets (I don't remember the technical name for it but my dad uses one) - they are easy to assemble. 

If you want your gma at your wedding you will have to make some special arrangements for her, bottom line, because of conditions that are not her fault.  I'm sure she doesn't enjoy losing her memory and sitting in soiled diapers.  Since this is your wedding it's your responsibility to make the special arrangements and your mother shouldn't have to shoulder that responsibility.  If, at the end of the day, accomodating gma is too much for you to handle then it's up to YOU to make the choice to not have her in attendance, not your mothers choice.

mrsbandjhs1

ElleB87 is totally right.  I was going to suggest that you potentially hire a nurse to sit with your grandmother, just like most people hire babysitters for small children in attendance.  It's not quite the same, but you could easily ask one of the attendants at her nursing home if it would be possible to pay them a little extra to come sit through your ceremony and watch over your grandmother so that the extra potential burden of caring for her isn't on anyone who would be devastated to miss it, you know?  Discuss it with your mother and uncle and let them know that you're upset by their decision to exclude her and that you've come up with a better solution and you might like their help with paying a nurse a little extra so that everyone can be involved.  After all, if you really want your grandmother there, an extra $50 for an hour ceremony and another meal for a helping hand shouldn't be such a hassle for you.  But definitely talk it out with your mom and see if she agrees that that's an option or if perhaps she has a different/better idea.  Good luck!

StephBeanWed61502

Talk to the nursing home she lives in - most will arrange (for a price) for a personal care attendant to attend a major event like a wedding with a resident for a day, and that person can then be responsible for caring for your grandmother.  I've seen this done at multiple weddings, and whatever the cost, it is the smoothest option for everyone - your mom and uncle get to enjoy your wedding without the burden of caring for your grandmother, and your grandmother gets to attend as well, with someone to look after her needs.

RaptorSLH

Ditto Elle, both about the hiring a nurse/attendant, and about a toilet booster seat.  (Sorry, I don't remember the proper name either.) My great-grandmom lived with us for a while, and she had one.  It was lightweight and easy to move.

GBCK

We hired a nursing attendant for my grandma for the day--someone who had been her i-home healthworker previously.
Did an awesome job.

DG1

Agreed. Hire a nurse for the day, and be sure the nurse knows s/he may also need to wipe down the bathroom if grandma has an accident.

It will be well worth it. 

Not to be overly dramatic, but my grandmother died somewhat unexpectedly 3 months after my wedding. I can't imagine how horrible I would have felt if she hadn't been there.

agladhill

I agree with PP.  Hire a nurse for the day.  Also, couldn't the nursing home give her some anti-diarrhea medicine the day of to try to prevent any such episode? 

Also, maybe talk to your grandma (or her dr, if she isn't capable of making decisions) and see what she would like.  It may be too overwhelming for her to make the trip.  In this case, maybe you could have a special celebration with her at a later date and show her the wedding video and have a special meal brought in.    GL!! 

hmonkey

i think the trip will be too much for grandma, and you should go and see her.  this whole situation sounds more like it's about you and what you want than what grandma can reasonably do.

get dressed in your wedding gown again and go see her.  additionally, you can attention whore all you want at the nursing home.

Stayc516

I was in the almost same exact situation you are in a month ago. My gma on my dad's side has dimentia and has been recently put into a nursing home because my dad and my aunts and uncles simply cannot stay with her. No one wanted to have the burden of keeping up with her at the reception and her memory is so far gone, she didn't even remember I was getting married at that point.

It broke my heart that she wasn't able to attend the wedding but I understood. I know you want her there but you don't want her to be embarresed if she does mess herself and you don't want to imposition other people that you love to take care of her on your special day. I  understand that you love her and want her there but you have to choose the lesser of two evils in this situation.

kat22885

I think you have two practical options: first is to hire a nurse and talk to her facility to see what limitations she will have. You second option is to set up a Skype feed so that she can watch. I'm sure the facility can help with that.