Sister won't come to destination wedding

megn186

My fiance and I are seriously considering a classy Las Vegas wedding (no Elvis included). Our families are in OR, so people could easily do a weekend trip to Las Vegas. We understand that it will most likely just be immediate family and best friends, due to the expense of travelling, but that doesn't bother us, because it's more important to have an amazing time with the people who are closer to us. We will also be paying and hosting the entire wedding on our own, so we want to do something that really excites us as a couple.

Everyone we have told is on board except for my only sister. She is pregnant and due in Sept. Her baby would be 10 months old during the wedding. I want her to either come with her husband and baby or if they can't do that to come by herself. My family would help pay her way. She basically said it's not going to happen and is upset that I would plan something that is difficult for her to go to.

Right now I'm planning on continueing the Vegas wedding and assuming she will find a way to make it. I feel like she is being unreasonable, but maybe I'm the one being unreasonable. Any advice on how to handle the situation?

notquiteblushing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sister-wont-come-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b78bc952-ecdc-42a6-a985-01afe093b66cPost:bc522ac4-b963-4b9a-a4bc-985b0a9ae749">Sister won't come to destination wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] We understand that it will most likely just be immediate family and best friends, due to the expense of travelling, but that doesn't bother us, <strong>because it's more important to have an amazing time with the people who are closer to us</strong>. We will also be paying and hosting the entire wedding on our own, so we want to do something that really excites us as a couple.
Posted by megn186[/QUOTE]

Well that's the issue right there: if having the few people closest to you is important then I think you should take their feelings into account.

deepcovejackie

She may be worried about travelling with an infant.  If she's breastfeeding, she absolutely won't be able to go alone to your wedding.  You can`t take that much time away from the baby without disrupting milk supply.  This baby may be in the very early walking  stages and will require regular feeding, nap and bedtime schedules and routines.  Even as an experienced mom, I`d still be ``meh`` about travelling with a 10 month old.  I`d probably do it, with experience comes confidence.  But your sister doesn`t know that yet.

Good idea to ask about whether you`re being reasonable.  My advice is, go on with the plan if it`s really important to you, but don`t put pressure on your sister.  You may need to prepare herself for her not being there.  She (rightly) has other priorities now.  And think!  You`re getting a niece or nephew!  Congrats on that and on your wedding.

Paddamill

Explain you want her to be there, but if she cannot make it then it is okay. This is you and your Fiance's wedding! You plan around your schedules, not hers. Keep trying to change her mind, but if she isn't willing to come then she isn't willing to come and there truly isn't anything you can do.

Keep planning! Keep her informed! If she decides she really isn't going to fly, maybe plan to see her soon after the wedding? Remember she is your sister, the two of you will both be equally sad if one does not go/come. If she is upset, it will be okay. She will be there in spirit!

loveslug

Have you asked her what concerns her most about making the trip? Maybe if you find out what she feels makes the trip impossible, the two of you can come up with ways to address those concerns that will help her feel less uncomfortable about it.  For example, if she is wondering how she is going to manage to celebrate and enjoy the trip with everyone while still meeting the needs of her baby (babies can't really go to night clubs or stay up late, and to my knowledge don't particularly enjoy slot machines and Wayne Newton shows!), maybe a trusted older teenaged babysitter could be brought along on the trip to tend the baby during various adult festivities (I did exactly that for a couple during their trip to Vegas when I was a teenager).

If there is just no way she can come, can you set up a webcam-type system so she can still watch the ceremony?  In any case, try to ease up on your sister a little on this one-I'm sure she would love to be at your wedding, but if I had to choose between my sister's wedding (or my own wedding, for that matter!) and doing what I feel is best for my child, the kid is going to win every time!  And I'm sure you don't want to look back on your wedding as 'the day I never spoke to my sister again.'

6fsn

It may just be overwhelming to her.  Vegas in July with a 10 month old?  She's barely pregnant and has no idea what her life is about to be like.  Or maybe it's just that it's so far away it's not really on her radar?  Like pp said, ask her what the issue is.  Then decide if it's something you can work around or fix.  Then decide if your sister's presence is that important.

Heffalump

My daughter just turned 9 months, and we're on the fence about traveling with her sometime during the next couple of months.  We've taken her on two trips, and both times we needed a ton of gear (car seat, stroller, pack and play, feeding supplies, breast pump, I could go on), and she slept terribly on both trips. 

6 and Jackie are right, if she hasn't had a baby, she really has no idea whether she's going to feel up to the trip.  And IMO, 10 mo. is actually harder than a newborn:  they're mobile, they don't sleep nearly as much, they need constant entertainment, they're eating solids, they're into everything.

I would give it some time and wait until things settle down. 

LnR70707

You couldn't pay me to take a 10 mo old to Vegas.  You are being just as selfish as my SIL, who got pissed that her sister didn't want to pay $400 to take a toddler on a cruise ship.  Destination weddings suck for everyone travelwise, you can't expect people to attend and get over it when they decline.

Blizzlesgirl!

I would be disinclined to travel with an infant, too.

When you plan a destination wedding, you are basically saying you're prepared that some people will not come. If it's that important to you that certain people be there, you need to reconsider. Otherwise, just get over it and move on with your planning.

baconsmom

You couldn't pay me to go to Vegas in July. Have you ever been in 110+ degree heat? Even for a few minutes? 

And then to add a ten-month-old on top of that? Hell to the no. 

If it's so important to have family at the wedding, have the wedding where the family is. 

prokadima

Wow, some of you are being a bit harsh, don't you think (L& R and Blargh)?!  I think that for your wedding you should be able to do WHATEVER you and your fiance want without being considered selfish.  This is the one time in your life where it is about you and your fiance.

You can't demand that your sister be there, but you certainly can have a destination wedding.  You are not being inconsiderate to your sister because it is NOT about her.  If Vegas is what you want, go with it.  However, you have to be prepared for the possibility that your sister may not attend and that has to be OK.  Your wedding date is a long way off.  She may have a change of heart by then.  If not, go have an awesome time with the people that do attend!

Carrie

nikkicola11

I agree with Carrie... If money isn't the issue because your family will help her, then I think she is your sister and that she should be able to suck it up for your big day.  I don't think you are being selfish at all, I mean you aren't even expecting her to bring her husband and the baby if she doesn't feel up to it. Since it's not too far away I think that even a breastfed 10 month old baby should be ok at home with Dad for 1-2 nights, she can pump and freeze.  I actually think she is being selfish, she expects you to plan a wedding that will be convenient for her since she is having a baby instead of what you and your fiance want!  I think you should tell her that it was really selfish of her get pregnant when she knew you were planning a wedding LOL.

megn186

Wow thanks for the responses!

I'm not sure where people got July from... It would be prob late Aug or early Sept. Sorry if my profile or the due date made it sound like July.

She says her issues are A: Money, but we've offered to pay B: travelling with an infant, which I can't do anything about, besides assure her that family will be there to help or she can go my herself for 1 night with my Dad escorting her. It's about a 1.5 hour flight, so fine from a sat morning to sunday evening, which should be fine for pumping milk (or so I've been told. I might be wrong). C: She said she won't leave her family for a night, which I can't do anything about and that's fine.

As far as bringing a baby to the typical Las Vegas stuff. .  .come on. . . it's a wedding, not the bachelorette party. I'm not going to ask guests to go clubbing! It's just a wedding in a chapel and a reception at a restaurant. There's even family attractions in the resort!

Also, I'm not harassing her about it, so I'm sorry if people got that impression. We've only discussed it twice and the last thing I said was that I understand that I can't expect her to go to the wedding, but I need to continue planning a wedding that my FI and I are excited about and will be the best day for us. I asked her how involved she wants to be and will include her in whatever she wants.

I also understand that I have no idea what it's like to be pregnant or have a baby so I don't know what concerns she has about that or what it will be like for her to have a baby. . . I can only go off of what family has told me which is that it's doable to travel for 1 night or leave a baby with its father for 1 night. If it's not doable for her then that's that.

it's more about me coming to terms and thinking about what I want. I might change my mind, since yes it is FAR away.

So my conclusion is I can't expect her to go or hold any grudge against her, but it's OK to continue with the plans if it's what I really want.