SIL is now coming to wedding.

amy2k4

I need some unbiased opinions please. 

So my FI has had a distant relationship with his sister.  They went 10yrs without speaking. and I have never met her (I've known FI for 5yrs)  For the past year I have been told by his family "oh, dont expect his sister to show, even if she says she will.  She can't be counted on."  Due to dramatic life changes she is now living with my FIL/MIL and I was told (Almost 2months until our wedding) that she will now be attending the wedding for sure. 

I decided to payfor the hair styles for my bridal party (My best friend and sister) and my our mothers and have booked the day off appointment.   Now that SIL is involved in our lives again, should I make arrangments to include her?  I dont plan on adding her to the party because honnestly i dont know her at all but I am somewhat concerned she'll feel left out and this may cause some drama in the family. 

I would appreciate any advice!

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sil-now-coming-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:bb3cbdd3-df90-45a7-8c54-1a82115bb6d8Post:a2c11041-e407-4100-b119-1e62685456f9">SIL is now coming to wedding.</a>:
[QUOTE]I need some unbiased opinions please.  So my FI has had a distant relationship with his sister.  They went 10yrs without speaking. and I have never met her (I've known FI for 5yrs)  For the past year I have been told by his family "oh, dont expect his sister to show, even if she says she will.  She can't be counted on."  Due to dramatic life changes she is now living with my FIL/MIL and I was told (Almost 2months until our wedding) that she will now be attending the wedding for sure.  I decided to payfor the hair styles for my bridal party (My best friend and sister) and my our mothers and have booked the day off appointment.   Now that SIL is involved in our lives again, should I make arrangments to include her?  I dont plan on adding her to the party because honnestly i dont know her at all but I am somewhat concerned she'll feel left out and this may cause some drama in the family.  I would appreciate any advice!
Posted by amy2k4[/QUOTE]

I think I need to know more about the circumstances - both of the estrangement and what caused the new living arrangement.

Overall, I'd say no, you aren't obligated to include her. And I certainly wouldn't put her in your WP. But just to be inclusive with a bunch of people getting mani/pedis? Maybe. Depends on the whole family dynamic.

In some families, the SIL wouldn't even begin to expect you to include her. In others, it would cause an immense rift if you didn't. I don't think we have enough info to give you specific advice.

RaptorSLH

While it would certainly be nice to include her in the pampering if you can, you're in no way obligated.  And depending on why her relationship is strained, and how FI feels, you might be better off leaving her out.  

I say talk to FI.  If he has no objections, then ask MIL if she would like treat SIL to the hair etc appointment, at $$$ cost.  If there is talk of the wedding party, it is your FI she knows, so it is his side she would stand on and hence his decision - you're just supporting him. 

And don't be so surprised if this changes again.

6fsn

Agreed with DG.  In general I'd say you don't need to try to include her.  Specific circumstances could change that.  Are you and your FI trying to rebuild a relationship?  Why weren't they speaking?  

If she's an oddball that cut off family for no apparent reason and will be gone again soon enough, then no I wouldn't include her.  If she was in an abusive relationship that kept her from family include her. 

amy2k4

Thanks for the advise! I I wasn't trying to be vague on perpose; I just don't know a whole lot about the situation and what I have heard is always just the one side. 
Basically from what I understand she went through a really rough phase when she was a teenager which caused alot of hostility in the family.  I dont know alot of details about that but just thats when my FI separated from himself emotionally from her.  She did just leave her husband with her two kids which is why she is now living back with the parents.  From what I know about that situation is there relationship was full of physical and drug abuse.  My FI has just metioned there is no reason to include her, but I was just not sure if it's truly the correct answer or if he still had predjudice against her. 
I know it would be a nice gesture. I am just not sure if I want to spend the extra money and go through the hassle of contacting the hairdresser to rework the contract and have her not showup still.  I guess my real fear is that if the family relationship is as strained as I am told, howwill they live in the same house for the next 3months? 
But thank you again!!!

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]She did just leave her husband with her two kids which is why she is now living back with the parents.  From what I know about that situation is there relationship was full of physical and drug abuse.... I am just not sure if I want to spend the extra money and go through the hassle of contacting the hairdresser to rework the contract and have her not showup still. 
Posted by amy2k4[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>1. Left bringing her two kids, or left the kids with the husband?  Because if the kids are still in the physically abusive house of drug use, someone NEEDS to call Child Protective Services.</div><div>
</div><div>2. I understand your FI is hurting, but if she is trying to leave that kind of situation and get clean, this is the time to be supportive.  I understand not wanting to get to close, in case he is burned again, but I hope he is, at least, not trying to sabotage his parents' attempts to help?</div><div>
</div><div>3. Before you change the contract, ask the hairdresser how hard it would be to add an extra person - now that the primary contract is in place, it may just mean she gets there a little early and leaves with a bigger paycheck.  If it's not hard to arrange, ask your FMIL, now that the budget has already been set, if SHE would like to pay for the sister to join you for hair.</div>