Question on FMIL and FI

BaileyKenward

ok..... so I have been told by a few of my friends many different reponses to my situation and I need to hear some advice from people who are not involved. Also, if you want to just troll this message and be nasty please dont respond, I need honesty not trolls.

Situation:
My FI and I have been dating since Feb of 2010, living together since Sept 2010 and engaged since Feb 2011. We are getting married on May 1st 2012. We have told everyone but his family more sepcifically his mother. He wants to wait til the second week of November to tell her (we will be returning from our camping trip at that time). I personally would like to tell her now but I also respect they have their own relationship and dont want to be a bitch. I feel like we are hiding something that should be rejoiced and yelled from roof tops...ok maybe not that dramatic... but you get my point. I am aprehensive about waiting until he wants to tell her but my friends and family have reacted like this is the end of the world and that we need to tell her STAT! I do have one friend who has said wait until then because guys have strange realtionships with thier moms etc. So im confused and I have talked to my FI about it and he is being stubborn about when we tell her. So please share your thoughts. Thank you! 

em01092

Why does he not want to tell her? That sort of concerns me that he can't tell her about the crucial, super important life choice he has made. Why does waiting til November change anything? What does the camping trip have to do with it? Is it a family trip and he is worried it will be ruined if she doesn't take it well?

I'm a fan of being honest and ripping the band-aid, even if he thinks she won't like it. That trip/being around her will be so awkward because you'll be afraid you might slip the news. Plus, I bet she'd be even MORE pissed if she found out everyone else knew but her, you know? 

I get people have crazy parents and interesting relationships, but the news of engagement is not something to be ashamed of. If my FI was being like this, I'd be majorly concerned. Do you want to deal with shiit like this forever? I have a feeling this won't be the end of troubles with his madre. 

RaptorSLH

I would be very worried about why he didn't want her to know yet.  Engaged since Feb, but he doesn't want her to know until November?  I think you need to have a sit-down with him about what's going on here.

GBCK

so he expects thisnot to come up for a few months?

If he's not giving you a reason you should be side-eying the hell outta this.

kmmssg

It all depends on WHY he wants to put it off.  Is there any reason to think she will not be happy about this?  Does she have a hard time cutting apron strings, being manipulative, etc?

I do think there is a bit of a flag here that he is not telling his family.  Is there some kind of special occasion in November he wants to use to tell them?

Need more details about why he won't tell them.

*Barbie*

WHAT specifically has he not told his mother? the fact that you are dating? living together? engaged? the actual date?

WHY has he waited to tell her about the WHAT?

WHY do you not agree with his decision to wait to tell his mom about the WHAT?

does the rest of his family know about the WHAT?

how is your relationship with FMIL?

why are you criticizing your FI's decisions to your family and close friends?

Avion22

All very good points.

For me, it would have to be a pretty darn good reason for him to not tell his parents about our engagement until NINE MONTHS after it happened.  I don't think we even waited 12 hours.   Even if they might not be happy about it, they still should be told.   Just my opinion.

But like PP said, this is something that you need to talk to HIM about, not your friends, and not us.


Also.....with very few exceptions, people here are ALWAYS honest.  Just because you might not agree with their honesty doesn't make them trolls.   Brutally honest is still honest.

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_question-fmil-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c36660d4-c093-4dc7-86d7-bd4122f38fbfPost:134179d4-4f1c-4aec-9bff-1ddc8f7312eb">Re: Question on FMIL and FI</a>:
[QUOTE] Also.....with very few exceptions, people here are ALWAYS honest.  Just because you might not agree with their honesty doesn't make them trolls.   Brutally honest is still honest.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

Word. Except for Blargh.

BaileyKenward

     







 *A note about Trolls* I am a gamer and when posting on the boards it has been helpful in my past to post a comment about no trolls, It’s more of a habit than an accusation. I understand brutal honesty on boards so I don’t take offense to any of it, I wouldn’t post a question without expecting it. ALL of our Family knows about our living situation and our engagement and has known since the morning after it happened since he proposed at 2am.I HAVE spoken to him about this a couple of times; however he remains stubborn on his decision. The reason I have spoken to friends and posted on this site with this situation is so I could a range of opinions and ideas; I like to hear what other people say and what they think given a situation. Sometimes it helps me to think outside of the box and it is not like I have posted names and places etc. His family does not know the WHAT or WHEN, we plan on telling them together at our family dinner we are having since I work the holiday, I think that is why he wants to wait until then because everyone will be sitting down and together. My relationship with my FMIL is not that great, we are nice and polite however she has texted him some very nasty things in the past regarding me when made the choice to live together. I have NEVER acted or spoken that I know what she has said because I feel it’s not my place and she doesn’t know me that well. I am trying to change that but we both work in the healthcare setting with opposite schedules. She has always been treated with kindness whenever I have had interactions with her because I don’t care what people say about me it’s still my FI mom. She in the past has had a hard time with our relationship because he is the youngest and I’m basically taking away her baby >.<.I don’t agree with waiting because I hate keeping things from family. Also, I am a little knocked off base because up until this point he has not really held anything from her about our relationship everything else has been either next day or very close to the time an event happened.Personally I don’t think she will take this as bad as he thinks she will, honestly I think she probably expects something like this to happen eventually, but I don’t know her as well as he does and that is why I’m asking for opinions. Our camping trip is like our last trip/vacation until we need to really buckle down on wedding plans. Don’t get me wrong we both want to be married very much, however we are planning this ourselves and I would be lying if I said it isn’t stressful. He is worried a little how I will take it if she doesn’t take it well and I think in his man brain he feels if we wait, I’ll be more relaxed if we wait until after camping, I have spoken to him and told him that I feel better if I knew her response but again he for once is being stubborn.So thank you for opinions, I appreciate them.  

RaptorSLH

<span class="Apple-style-span">[QUOTE]I am a gamer and when posting on the boards it has been helpful in my past to post a comment about no trolls, </span><span style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';line-height:normal;font-size:medium;" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="color:#1f1f1f;font-family:Arial, sans-serif;font-size:11px;line-height:14px;" class="Apple-style-span">[/QUOTE] 
</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">Really?  Since when do trolls care that you don't want them around?  I would think all you've done is bait them.</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div>[QUOTE] ALL of <strong>our Family knows</strong> about our living situation and our engagement and has known since the morning after it happened ... <strong>His family does not know</strong>, we plan on telling them together at our family dinner,  because everyone will be sitting down and together. [/QUOTE]</div><div>So does his family know, or doesn't it?  And as nice as big family dinners are, my parents, at least, would not have been pleased to wait 9-10 months just so you could have a dramatic reveal.  I don't know any who would.  Immediate family normally shouldn't wait this long.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]  My relationship with my FMIL is not that great, we are nice and polite however she has texted him some very nasty things in the past regarding me when made the choice to live together. ... She in the past has had a hard time with our relationship because he is the youngest and I’m basically taking away her baby[/QUOTE]</div><div>I suspect this is his real reason.  Waiting is not going to make it easier to tell, nor incline her to be happier about finding out, though.  </div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]Personally I don’t think she will take this as bad as he thinks she will...He is worried a little how I will take it if she doesn’t take it well and I think in his man brain he feels if we wait, I’ll be more relaxed if we wait until after camping,[/QUOTE]</div><div>Why would you think you know her reaction better than he does, especially since she's polite to your face but vicious to his?  And if she does take it badly, how will waiting until you're tired and stressed about a big family dinner help you to take it well?  How will giving her a potential public forum help?  Instead of giving yourself a chance to relax while camping after you've broken the news, you're planning on waiting until the thick of holiday season and the thick of wedding planning, when there will be lots of other stress? </div><div>
</div><div>If he really wanted to wait for a family dinner, he'd have planned one long before now - he's had since February.  You need to realize it could well be worse than you think, and convince him that you're prepared for that.  Then he needs to bite the bullet.  And he needs to tell his mother that waiting was <em>his</em> idea.</div>

zitiqueen

Somebody who is so concerned (read: scared) with his mother's reaction to his being engaged that he insists on keeping it a secret from her for nearly a year really has no business getting married.

Muddled

Looks like you are marrying a mama's boy.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_question-fmil-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c36660d4-c093-4dc7-86d7-bd4122f38fbfPost:98c98b19-bf14-40ac-8741-4a843131b02e">Re: Question on FMIL and FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Somebody who is so concerned (read: scared) with his mother's reaction to his being engaged that he insists on keeping it a secret from her for nearly a year really has no business getting married.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>I kind of have to agree. You are probably in for a long road of this business if he cannot stand up to her and tell her that he is cutting the cord. You are to be his wife and I feel you deserve more respect than he is giving you. Yes, I realize she is his mom and he wants to respect her, but I would feel disrepcted by what he is doing, plus it's like he is ashamed to admit he is marrying you. That would make me feel like crap. I don't understand what good reason he possible could have for waiting. </div>

*Barbie*

i'm not sure if you answered my first question, but I think that in that jumbled mess of words, you indicated that his family knows everything about the nature of your relationship except for the wedding date/place?

if that's the case, i really don't get why it is such a big deal to tell them.

either way, i will say that the two of you need to be on the same page about how/when you communicate with your families. you're not just marrying the man, you're marrying the family too.

BaileyKenward

*Update*

Sat down with FI and had a LONG LONG talk with him, we are having dinner tonight with his parents to give them the good news. Thank you everyone for your input!

zitiqueen

How old are you and your FI?

BaileyKenward

23, why?

And I'm sorry if this all sounds screwed up I dont have a mother of my own to help me with this crap, so I'm doing my best.

Thanks

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_question-fmil-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c36660d4-c093-4dc7-86d7-bd4122f38fbfPost:c5496cdd-58b1-49b8-9d2c-195774b4b882">Re: Question on FMIL and FI</a>:
[QUOTE]How old are you and your FI?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Not this again. You always seem to assume brides are young and therefore stupid.