Wedding Woes
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Fiance acting weird

Hi, I've posted b4 here; my problem is my fiance wont give me an answer as to whether we shall proceed with the wedding or postpone!  The date is 4.14.12. Today marks 3 months exactly to plan the whole thing.  Which I can do, I've been working on some stuff all along.
His problem is he doesn't like my cats (the smell) well, I've fixed that.  Then it was his prenup wont be valid if I don't have a job.  I just graduated in May and I'm still looking for work.  I know the job/prenup "rule" is nonesense, and I schooled him on that.  Now I keep asking him well?  what do I tell my brother who's been asking me about the wedding date b/c people have to take time off work, etc.  His answer "I don"t know!"
I even wrote him a note asking him about this stuff, he put it off, and never answered it kept saying he didn't have time....
I am really getting depressed about this whole situation, this is not how it is supposed to go!

Re: Fiance acting weird

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    DG1DG1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-acting-weird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c3ce8483-e6c7-4e60-a815-7cad91599c78Post:1e337453-6491-4fc2-bced-ae0cf9f67d22">Fiance acting weird</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi, I've posted b4 here; my problem is my fiance wont give me an answer as to whether we shall proceed with the wedding or postpone!  The date is 4.14.12. Today marks 3 months exactly to plan the whole thing.  Which I can do, I've been working on some stuff all along. His problem is he doesn't like my cats (the smell) well, I've fixed that.  Then it was his prenup wont be valid if I don't have a job.  I just graduated in May and I'm still looking for work.  I know the job/prenup "rule" is nonesense, and I schooled him on that.  Now I keep asking him well?  what do I tell my brother who's been asking me about the wedding date b/c people have to take time off work, etc.  His answer "I don"t know!" I even wrote him a note asking him about this stuff, he put it off, and never answered it kept saying he didn't have time.... I am really getting depressed about this whole situation, this is not how it is supposed to go!
    Posted by deb2u[/QUOTE]

    Frankly, it sounds like he's not that into you.

    Why are you marrying him, exactly?

    ETA: <a href="http://theregoesthebride.com/" rel="nofollow">http://theregoesthebride.com/</a>

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    Sorry to say... but... his reasons keep changing and you can't pin him down to anything... I think your best bet is to postpone.

    Whether you can plan or not in three months doesn't matter. It sounds like maybe he has cold feet or some other issue... I think you guys need time and counselling to figure this out.

    When you say you 'keep asking'... maybe he feels pressured? Maybe you've pestered, maybe you haven't. If he's in a doubting state of mind then any reference to it would feel like pestering.

    May I ask how the proposal came about? Was it out of the blue, or had you two talked about it beforehand?
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    We had talked about spending the rest of our lives together b4, and we are truly in love.  He proposed and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.  My instinct tells me its about the prenup (his ex took him to the cleaners) and fear with regard to that. 
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    Then I'd recommend he get counselling, and you both have counselling together. If its truly the prenup causing issues, then it sounds like a trust thing.

    But definitely postpone. This won't be a quick thing, unfortunately. He's not going to wake up one morning and magically be in wedding high gear.
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    Well the weird thing is he proposed 4 months into the relationship,and Iwas the doubting one, maybe I should be less trusting of him!  After allthis, anyway.
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    Whenever what a man says with his mouth, and what he says by his actions do not match up, never EVER listen and trust what is coming out of his mouth.  

    Regardless of what he may have said at one time, he is telling you that now, for whatever reason, he is not ready. If you want to preserve your relationship, you need to be the one to put the brakes on the wedding planning, and find out what the issues are. If you leave it up to him to do it, you're going to be a very unhappy woman in a couple of months. 
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    How do I put the brakes on the planning when his issues are all about the wedding?
    I think I'm going to stop wearing my engagement ring too, now.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-acting-weird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c3ce8483-e6c7-4e60-a815-7cad91599c78Post:38bed76a-06f8-4e0d-ae5b-a49bc7587586">Re: Fiance acting weird</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>How do I put the brakes on the planning when his issues are all about the wedding?</strong> I think I'm going to stop wearing my engagement ring too, now.
    Posted by deb2u[/QUOTE]

    I'm struggling to figure out what this means/if there's an oxymoron here/I don't know. I'm just confused.

    You say his issues are all about the wedding. Take the wedding out of the equation. Just work on your relationship without that three month deadline hanging over your heads.

    It doesn't mean you have to stop wearing your engagement ring, but whatever you feel you have to do, I guess.
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    I'm sorry, I guess I should have said, the wedding is the first time EVER (just within the past 2 or so months) that I felt he was acting weird, and it could have been holiday stress too, so the wedding was like the final factor in his acting weirdness(?)

    I won't wear the ring unless I feel like I'm really getting married, just my take on the subject.
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    When I said put the brakes on the planning, I mean stop worrying about dates, guest lists, etc. When someone asks you when the wedding is, just tell them you haven't set a date yet. If your fiance asks you why you're responding this way, just say "Because I have asked you X amount of times whether or not this day was still ok, and you have not given me a solid answer. I don't feel comfortable planning a wedding that you aren't acting excited about and that you can not manage a straight answer about."

    It sounds like he needs to know that you want to be with him, wedding or not, money or not, prenup or not. So take the time to show him. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-acting-weird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c3ce8483-e6c7-4e60-a815-7cad91599c78Post:e1e5ff33-29af-47db-a172-b89bf0e186f0">Re: Fiance acting weird</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well the weird thing is<strong> he proposed 4 months into the relationship,</strong>and Iwas the doubting one, maybe I should be less trusting of him!  After allthis, anyway.
    Posted by deb2u[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's incredibly fast.  I'd take a break from planning the wedding and try some couples counseling - you really need to make sure you take your time to be sure that this relationship is right for both of you, <em>especially</em> since it sounds like his last serious relationship ended badly.</div>
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    I believe you already have your answer: This is not the way it is supposed to be!!  Since you stated his ex took him to the cleaners, the pre-nup is important to him.  You stated you graduated in May and do not have a job.  What is the rush?  He might feel trapped and worried about how this is all going to be paid for since he is the only one with a job.  What is your degree in and what is the age difference?
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    And you are threatening to stop wearing your engagement ring b/c he won't set a date?  You are definitely in need of couples counseling and are no where prepared to take on some of the struggles of living as a happily, married couple. 
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    1. sit down with him and tell him face to face that YOU are postponing the wedding.
     He obviously does not want to get married right now. He is on one page and you are on the other.
    and FYI unless he has an extraodinary amount of money or you do, I would be insulted to be asked to sign a prenup. It is a trust issue,he does not trust you! I don't for one minute believe that it is because his ex took him to the cleaners,that's a lame excuse.....wake up dear.....this is not going to work out right now........
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-acting-weird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c3ce8483-e6c7-4e60-a815-7cad91599c78Post:17861f17-726f-4f47-bcbd-673ea4532dd4">Re: Fiance acting weird</a>:
    [QUOTE]And you are threatening to stop wearing your engagement ring b/c he won't set a date?  You are definitely in need of couples counseling and are no where prepared to take on some of the struggles of living as a happily, married couple. 
    Posted by Karenofcourse[/QUOTE]
    Right. You shouldn't really use "your engagement" against him. You said yes- it's a sign that your committed to him. I think you should ask yourself what are your true intentions of not wearing the ring, before you take it off. That's just my two cents.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-acting-weird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c3ce8483-e6c7-4e60-a815-7cad91599c78Post:b72ed20b-5ff5-4f7f-b7ff-70d27d9d96a6">Re: Fiance acting weird</a>:
    [QUOTE]1. sit down with him and tell him face to face that YOU are postponing the wedding.  He obviously does not want to get married right now. He is on one page and you are on the other. and FYI unless he has an extraodinary amount of money or you do, <strong>I would be insulted to be asked to sign a prenup. It is a trust issue,he does not trust you!</strong> I don't for one minute believe that it is because his ex took him to the cleaners,that's a lame excuse.....wake up dear.....this is not going to work out right now........
    Posted by flower_diva[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think this is a little hysterical.  A pre-nup is smart for anyone with an income and a career, and it's really not an issue of trust.  A good pre-nup protects <em>both</em> spouses in the event that the marriage goes bad.  It's kind of like setting up the terms of a potential divorce when you still actually like each other, and pre-nup terms usually <em>are</em> more fair than the terms people start demanding when they're in the middle of an angry divorce, KWIM?  </div><div>
    </div><div>OP, if you're going to agree to a pre-nup, please get your own independent attorney to review it to make sure that it's fair to you.  </div>
    imagemy to-read shelf:
    Steph's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (to-read shelf)
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    I agree with what you said abt the prenup, it would be "nicer" in all respects to do it now, God forbid we ever divorced (have to get married first! ;-\)  Anyway, I told him that I would be getting a prenup as well as I have some inherantences that I will one day be coming into, he suggested we BOTH see his atty. for them, I said no, I'll go to my own...(btw, we are both in our 40s and both on our 2nd marriage). 
    I think I will just let him make the moves. I am tired of stressing over the whole thing, I'm looking for a job, taking care of 2 kids(and I do bring income to the relationship too; maintenance from my ex) I give him almost half of my maint. and buy groceries AND pay my car pmt, car ins., etc.  So, no, he's not supporting me/us on his own.
    We have been together since 8.14.10, which is why WE picked the date 4."14" 12, b/c our first date was on the 14th.  I trust him completely, and feel very betrayed in a way now that all this is going down.  I am upset that we may not wed on "our" day, and cannot understand why this is all coming up now, and why didn't he inform me of this months ago?  I thought you had to know abt a prenup a long time in advance so as not to feel pressured in any way, b/c THAT could invalidate one in court.....(saying you were pressured into one)
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    Oh, and one more thing, we have known each other a long time, we went to H.S. together, and were reunited at a class reunion.
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    I totally hear you on this one... postponing your wedding, is not easy, but it sounds like it is definitely the way to go! My fiance and I were suppose to get married last year, on 9.10.11 and we decided to call it off until we worked through some of our individual issues and issues as a couple. We were 6 months away from our wedding and family had already bought plane tickets etc... but, you have to do what is right for YOU and your fiance. For me, postponing our wedding gave my fiance and I time to get back to what really mattered- our love for each other. Stress of planning a wedding can make people act differently. I say postpone and when you're both ready, things will fall into place much more easily. We are now getting married, just the two of us, in Hawaii 5.21.12! :) good luck!
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