Fiance wants to move apart

jw204902

Hello,

I am recently engaged and my fiance is Christian. We have been living together for over 4 years and we are looking to buy a house. He wants me to move back in with my parents (I'm almost 30 years old and that is not going to happen) while he moves in to our new home. I grew up with no religion however I have been very open to his beliefs and we regularly attend church. I have also said that bringing up our children with his beliefs is fine with me. In the past, he had said he wanted to live apart before we got married but I was never able to come to terms with the idea and he told me to just forget about it if it was making me so angry. But now that we are engaged he is saying we should live apart for almost a year! Then he said atleast 6 months... He says its because his parents are not ok with it and I feel like he is 32 years old and just needs to decide for himself what he thinks is right and wrong. I know that is it frowned upon to cohabitate before marriage but we have already done it for 4 years. I said that I could maybe stay with my folks like 2 months before the wedding but I really want to move into our home with him. I also told him I would agree to separate bedrooms and no sex if thats what he wants but I feel like he just wants to have is cake and eat it too. I think even if we did live apart we would still have sex... so what is the point exactly?? I do not think we will be getting married if we move apart for 6 months. Has anyone been in this situation? Is there anyway to compromise with him or are we just too different to make this work?

Thank you all,
Julie

*Barbie*

your FI is a nut job. run and don't look back.

why would it be ok to live together and have sex with no ring, but suddenly there's a problem now that you're engaged? Makes no sense whatsoever. 
 

tawillers

I could try to understand if it was his idea and he had never lived alone - if it was something he wanted to do before he got married (however, I'd have a huge problem with it and I don't know if I could stick it out, but I'd try).

But he is doing this to please his parents. 



This isn't the only thing they're going to disapprove of.  If he gives in to them now, he'll do it for the rest of his life.  Is that something that you can deal with for the rest of yours?

VarunaTT

Oh honey.  I"m sorry, but you should RUN.  At least don't buy a house and tie yourself financially to him.

mrsconn23

When you're 32, you should not look to your parents to make your decisions for you.

GBCK

Either one of 2 things is happening:

1-he's had a change of heart, believe he is 'in sin' and wants to make it right.  But, of course, his life and your life are intertwined, so his decision affects you too.  You're not OK w/ his decision.  He's not OK w/ your resistance. (and you doubt his sincerity/ability to follow through on this).

This is a big incompatability issue.  

 This isn't something that's going to get better--does raising future kids in his religion mean you're OK w/ absitinance preaching at them?  with them being told in church you're going to hell?  With him believing that?  with all 'sins' in your life being blamed, by his family, on you, because you're the evil one?

This isn't somethign where people can 'just' say "oh, we'll do X" and have it be better in the future, these things will be a big deal.

or

2-he's a weenie who cares about appearances but not truth (which is why lving apart but having sex is OK) and wants to have his cake and eat it too.

mrsconn23

Please listen to GBCK, she is wise and knows what she is talking about.

dharmabunny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c65e9db0-8572-4638-adf7-a9c098b9f4b7Post:3e97d06e-104a-46fa-88b3-d4a69d45fa92">Re: Fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]Please listen to GBCK, she is wise and knows what she is talking about.
Posted by mrs.conn23[/QUOTE]
Seconded. 

Either he is a weenie too concerned with pleasing everyone else or keeping up appearances, he's not really that accepting or understanding of your views and it's time to shorten the leash (oh that's OK you don't believe now, you'll come around eventually)  OR, the church is getting way way overinvolved in the day to day of its parishoners, like that meddlesome mother in law that never goes away and gets 10% of your family pay every week.

jw204902

Thank you for all of your responses. I must say that after 51/2 years together and a very recent engagement, running doesn't seem very appealing to me I have to say that many pastors do ask that cohabitating couples move apart before the wedding and I understand that he has brought this up before but he knows how upset I get about it! I just don't understand and I will have to ask him to further explain himself... I guess I was just trying to see if other people did this (obviously not really) and get some ideas before I go home and discuss this further with him. Again, thank you for your responses.

Julie

VarunaTT

I'm from a very religious community.  I do not know one pastor who has asked couples to move apart before marriage.  What happens is they either don't care in the first place OR they refuse to marry couples who are already cohabiting.  

Just b/c you've put in some time, doesn't mean that you should stay.  That's a really terrible reason for staying.  Now that I've read GBCK's answer, I think she's got it pat.

jw204902

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c65e9db0-8572-4638-adf7-a9c098b9f4b7Post:877d298c-8a04-4c19-a231-b4c9dfae8123">Re: Fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm from a very religious community.  I do not know one pastor who has asked couples to move apart before marriage.  What happens is they either don't care in the first place OR they refuse to marry couples who are already cohabiting.   Just b/c you've put in some time, doesn't mean that you should stay.  That's a really terrible reason for staying.  Now that I've read GBCK's answer, I think she's got it pat.
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

Thank you - I did not mean because I have put in time I will stay. I love him and we have have a great 5 1/2 years together and I want to spend my life with him. It is just annoying that once a year basically he feels guilty for abandoning his beliefs and asks me to do something so drastic...

GBCK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c65e9db0-8572-4638-adf7-a9c098b9f4b7Post:85692ff2-9638-42c8-a327-b3341e813f63">Re: Fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance wants to move apart : Thank you - I did not mean because I have put in time I will stay. I love him and we have have a great 5 1/2 years together and I want to spend my life with him. It is just annoying that once a year basically he feels guilty for abandoning his beliefs and asks me to do something so drastic...
Posted by jw204902[/QUOTE]

<div>Backing up a second here...</div><div>So he has wanted *this* before?</div><div>Or he has wanted something else that has religious significance before?</div>

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c65e9db0-8572-4638-adf7-a9c098b9f4b7Post:85692ff2-9638-42c8-a327-b3341e813f63">Re: Fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance wants to move apart : Thank you - I did not mean because I have put in time I will stay. I love him and we have have a great 5 1/2 years together and I want to spend my life with him. <strong>It is just annoying that once a year basically he feels guilty for abandoning his beliefs and asks me to do something so drastic...</strong>
Posted by jw204902[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh honey, you guys have a problem. You are only okay with his beliefs as long as he doesn't act upon them. And he is being eaten up by the fact that he is not expressing his beliefs in his outward actions.</div><div>
</div><div>You guys need to have a heart-to-heart. My FI and I did this about 6 weeks after we started dating.</div>

AuntFlo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c65e9db0-8572-4638-adf7-a9c098b9f4b7Post:877d298c-8a04-4c19-a231-b4c9dfae8123">Re: Fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm from a very religious community.  I do not know one pastor who has asked couples to move apart before marriage.  What happens is they either don't care in the first place OR they refuse to marry couples who are already cohabiting.   Just b/c you've put in some time, doesn't mean that you should stay.  That's a really terrible reason for staying.  Now that I've read GBCK's answer, I think she's got it pat.
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

Actually, the pastor who married DH and I asked us to move apart - BUT we told him no.   It just wasn't practical.  And knowing that it made him uncomfortable we comprimised and said that we would abstain from sex until we got married, but still live together.   It was only like 2 months, and we were stressed out and busy anyway, so we pretty much stuck to it - - well, I think we might have had sex a few times...    Anyway, I really wanted to be married by a pastor  I knew (and we had already been denied getting married IN the church) so we went along with it. 

GBCK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c65e9db0-8572-4638-adf7-a9c098b9f4b7Post:83500f50-717c-49fe-8b68-82c784c25fbc">Re: Fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance wants to move apart : Oh honey, you guys have a problem. You are only okay with his beliefs as long as he doesn't act upon them. And he is being eaten up by the fact that he is not expressing his beliefs in his outward actions. You guys need to have a heart-to-heart. My FI and I did this about 6 weeks after we started dating.
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

<div>This is well said as one of the possible actual "he isn't completely a weenie" possibilities.</div>

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c65e9db0-8572-4638-adf7-a9c098b9f4b7Post:6f6e4174-d286-4b29-91c3-696aae7fe2a8">Re: Fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance wants to move apart : <strong>Actually, the pastor who married DH and I asked us to move apart - BUT we told him no.   It just wasn't practical.  And knowing that it made him uncomfortable we comprimised and said that we would abstain from sex until we got married, but still live together. </strong>  It was only like 2 months, and we were stressed out and busy anyway, so we pretty much stuck to it - - well, I think we might have had sex a few times...    Anyway, I really wanted to be married by a pastor  I knew (and we had already been denied getting married IN the church) so we went along with it. 
Posted by AuntFlo[/QUOTE]

<div>Unfortunately the issue here is that it's OP's fiance who is uncomfortable and asking her to move out. As she noted above, evidently her fiance feels guilty once a year for "abandoning his beliefs" and asks her to do something "drastic," in her own words.</div><div>
</div><div>That is something the OP needs to sort out with her FI before they walk down the aisle. Somehow from the above comment regarding his guilt, I get the feeling that OP would be less enthusiastic about supporting her fiance's beliefs should he "return" to active worship. If this is how he behaves when he has "abandoned his beliefs" and he is unhappy, then what does NOT "abandoning his beliefs" entail, in other words? And will the OP be okay with that much of his life focused on or motivated by his Christianity? And will she be okay when kids come along with Christianity playing a large role in their lives.</div><div>
</div><div>Religion is a tricky thing in a relationship when partners are not on the same page.</div>

courtneyconger

I agree with Pippa.  You guys should really talk this out, and if you're not ready to support him if he were to return to "active worship,"  rethinking this relationship is essential. 

As a side note, living apart won't kill a relationship if it's a healthy one.  Not only have FI and I never lived together, 1/2 of our relationship has been long distance.  And we're still kicking. 

Be encouraged, but also be honest with him and with yourself.

tawillers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c65e9db0-8572-4638-adf7-a9c098b9f4b7Post:8e48c7a4-ac21-4849-a7e0-d82597b3c7d3">Re: Fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance wants to move apart : Unfortunately the issue here is that it's OP's fiance who is uncomfortable and asking her to move out. As she noted above, evidently her fiance feels guilty once a year for "abandoning his beliefs" and asks her to do something "drastic," in her own words. That is something the OP needs to sort out with her FI before they walk down the aisle. Somehow from the above comment regarding his guilt, I get the feeling that OP would be less enthusiastic about supporting her fiance's beliefs should he "return" to active worship. <strong>If this is how he behaves when he has "abandoned his beliefs" and he is unhappy, then what does NOT "abandoning his beliefs" entail, in other words? And will the OP be okay with that much of his life focused on or motivated by his Christianity? And will she be okay when kids come along with Christianity playing a large role in their lives.</strong> Religion is a tricky thing in a relationship when partners are not on the same page.
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

This is pretty much what GBCK said above.  OP needs to think about the future and whether she wants to deal with his religious beliefs should he choose to become active again.

flower_diva

I am just wondering..do you have a relationship with his parents?   after living together so long I would have thought this would have been hashed out long before you got to this point.

once you crossed the line and moved in together there is no going back to make it "right".

I agree with everyone who said this has red flags written all over it.

kaceymarie

wait.. he thinks he can reverse this? that's quite funny & it doesn't sound right.

bedagi

Both of you should sit down and have this conversation with his pastor.

You're right. If you've lived together for four years, it is completely unreasonable for him to suddenly ask you to move out, while HE get's to live in your future home.

This is a tough situation, and as a Baptist marrying a Catholic (eek), and having to deal with alllll my fiance's family's religious expectations, I understand how you may feel.

Your fiance is probably either feeling the pressure from his family, OR, feeling guilty that he's been pushing aside his beliefs, and is now trying to make up for it right before the big day.

Telling you to run for it is not helpful. -_-

IT's likely he just feels guilty. So, you, and he, should go sit down with a pastor (his pastor, whoever) and discuss your situation with him, and ask what they think. You can even call the pastor and express your concerns by yourself first if you want. It is EXTREMELY unlikely that after hearing your situation, his pastor is going to say, 'Yep, kick her out on the street till the big day." My fiance and I have been living together for two years, and had to go to couples counseling with his Catholic priest; and not once did the man suggest we move apart. Most pastors understand now that in a more modern age, younger folks like ourselves do things differently, and they are supportive of that.

Nowhere in the bible does it say, "And if you've been living together for years and then get engaged, you must live apart for exactly ONE year, in order for your marriage to be holy."

ReturnOfKuus

You know what's weird to me?  HE wants to live apart, yet he thinks YOU are the one who should move in with the parents.  WTF is up with that?!  Why isn't HE living somewhere other than the house you're getting together, if he's the one who wants this?

I get the feeling that he wants you to be as controlled and mired in parental values as he is.

jw204902

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c65e9db0-8572-4638-adf7-a9c098b9f4b7Post:9c02f1a3-2e3d-4045-b094-e16be2e11b45">Re: Fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance wants to move apart : Backing up a second here... So he has wanted *this* before? Or he has wanted something else that has religious significance before?
Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]

Yes he has brought up this idea in the past and we have discussed it but because I am so hurt by it he told me not worry about it anymore. I tried and tried to be respectful and ok with the idea but I was nearly crushed to the point I wasn't sure we could work it out. I guess not being a Christian I am taking it personally and it hurts.If it really is about God than he needs to change other things in his life as well. Not being a religious person makes me question his real intentions I guess..  He probably has brought it up 5 times in the last 3 years and I have agreed to a few months before the wedding but I have said that it does hurt me. I also don't really understand how he can continue living together knowing that it's wrong and thats why he wants to live apart before the wedding. That's the real question I guess. If he truly believes living together is wrong why does he continue to do it and how would moving apart before the wedding fix that?? He needs to respect my beliefs as well so I was hoping to compromise somewhere in the middle. It will all work out I just want to be more ok with it than I actually am so I was hoping for some positive feedback on the concept :) Thank you for your responses!

ReturnOfKuus

Please to be addressing my question, jw.

jw204902

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c65e9db0-8572-4638-adf7-a9c098b9f4b7Post:ff89d98d-bcf8-4cb9-a64d-9cecd9919a8b">Re: Fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]You know what's weird to me?  HE wants to live apart, yet he thinks YOU are the one who should move in with the parents.  WTF is up with that?!  Why isn't HE living somewhere other than the house you're getting together, if he's the one who wants this? I get the feeling that he wants you to be as controlled and mired in parental values as he is.
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

Yes I agree that he should be the one to move and not me, but as it would save us financially it would make the most sense for me to stay with my parents for free :) And yes I do think he wants me to be mired in parental values, which is funny because my parents believe in God and never found it important to preach their beliefs to me as they wanted me to have whatever beliefs I wanted/needed. So my parents and his parents and our beliefs are very different but that doesnt mean that we shouldn't get married and live happily ever after. We just have to respect our differences.. which can be hard at times. I do need to talk to him more about his "practices" and if he wants to be more "active" in the church. Christianity is not something bad in my eyes but I do fear the brainwashing (for lack of a better word) that can be a part of it so we will also discuss this further...

Thanks!

ReturnOfKuus

Well, if you agree with that, then I highly recommend putting the wedding on hold for now, and going to some premarital counseling to work out your differences, since he doesn't seem to be respecting YOUR difference in opinion at all.  This isn't a problem that's going to go away after the wedding, after all.

And really, if you don't want to move in with your parents, then don't.  If he thinks someone should live with them until the wedding, then he can damn well do it.