Am I Too Petty?

csozio

I'm going to make this long story as breif as possible...

I was best friends with a girl from high school for 6 years when I got engaged. We had had silly fights in the past where we wouldn't talk for a while but we always got over them. We were like sisters. When we were getting along we were inseparable. My REAL sister and I had not been getting along for quite some time before I got engaged (she abandoned the family and moved out and in with her horrible boyfriend, she was only 19.)

So when I got engaged, I asked both of them to be Maid of Honors. I had to have my sister as one, and I figured my friend would make sure everything was taken care of and be able to do the things that my sister, a 19 year old, couldn't really plan like my bachelorette party. HUGE problem with my family, they were pissed at me about it but I stood my ground.

Fast forward to 4 months before my wedding day, my best friend and I have a little fight and then she decides that she can't stand me being happy while she was single and miserable. Her own words. She stops speaking to me and misses my wedding. Somehow my real sister forgives me and we are closer than ever and my wedding was amazing.

Fast forward again to a year after my wedding. I haven't heard from my ex best friend in like a year and a half, and all of a sudden she emails me. She apologizes and says no excuse for what she did blah blah blah, explains issues she was going through that I didn't know about yadda yadda. We end up writing back and forth a bit and I end up kind of forgiving her because I just don't care that much about it anymore. Plus while I was planning my big day I had been a bad friend in that I ignored a lot of stuff she was going through. What bride isn't a little self absorbed at times? (Not that I think it was acceptable or have any excuse for it.) We had a lot of good times and a lot of history, and sometimes I long for that friendship back. I tell her I'll never forget what she did to me, but I do forgive her and we can talk and see where the friendship ends up. She moved out of state so I'm not even sure that it matters.

Well she is visiting now and we are getting together tonight... and surprise! she's bringing her fiance that she JUST got engaged to. I now feel super uncomfortable. Am I an idiot for even talking to her again? Am I too petty to hope that she doesn't talk about her wedding to me? Hopefully she doesn't have the gaul to think she can ask me to be in her wedding party, because I don't even think I'd attend her wedding. Is it horrible of me to think I wouldn't even attend her wedding? I'm so confused now about how I feel and whether or not I should even be talking to her again.

Everyone is so brutally honest on here I figured it'd be perfect to post. Let me know what you all think.

zsazsa-stl

I read the subject line as "Am I Too Pretty" so I spent the entire post looking for when you would speculate that people hate you because you are beautiful.  So disappointed...

What bride doesn't get a little self absorbed at times?  Umm...all of the brides who weren't self absorbed before the magical engagement ring was bestowed upon them by the heavens.  Sounds like you are still wearing your pretty pretty princess bride crown.  How dare your ex friend dare bring up her own wedding when only one little year has passed since your glorious event?  You are right.  You shouldn't go to her wedding.  It will suck anyway so you aren't missing anything.  And you need to teach her a lesson for daring to be anything less than the perfect MOH when all you did was ignore her "stuff" that she was going through.  A good friend would have put her own life aside to attend to your bridal needs.

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-petty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ca59dd21-1fee-4ae6-bd70-e4915bab707dPost:b1d5498d-fa7e-4b12-b305-892f7a5eb92a">Am I Too Petty?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to make this long story as breif as possible... I was best friends with a girl from high school for 6 years when I got engaged. We had had silly fights in the past where we wouldn't talk for a while but we always got over them. We were like sisters. When we were getting along we were inseparable. My REAL sister and I had not been getting along for quite some time before I got engaged (she abandoned the family and moved out and in with her horrible boyfriend, she was only 19.) So when I got engaged, I asked both of them to be Maid of Honors. I had to have my sister as one, and I figured my friend would make sure everything was taken care of and be able to do the things that my sister, a 19 year old, couldn't really plan like my bachelorette party. HUGE problem with my family, they were pissed at me about it but I stood my ground. Fast forward to 4 months before my wedding day, my best friend and I have a little fight and then she decides that she can't stand me being happy while she was single and miserable. Her own words. She stops speaking to me and misses my wedding. Somehow my real sister forgives me and we are closer than ever and my wedding was amazing. Fast forward again to a year after my wedding. I haven't heard from my ex best friend in like a year and a half, and all of a sudden she emails me. She apologizes and says no excuse for what she did blah blah blah, explains issues she was going through that I didn't know about yadda yadda. We end up writing back and forth a bit and I end up kind of forgiving her because I just don't care that much about it anymore. Plus while I was planning my big day I had been a bad friend in that I ignored a lot of stuff she was going through. What bride isn't a little self absorbed at times? (Not that I think it was acceptable or have any excuse for it.) We had a lot of good times and a lot of history, and sometimes I long for that friendship back. I tell her I'll never forget what she did to me, but I do forgive her and we can talk and see where the friendship ends up. She moved out of state so I'm not even sure that it matters. Well she is visiting now and we are getting together tonight... and surprise! she's bringing her fiance that she JUST got engaged to. I now feel super uncomfortable. Am I an idiot for even talking to her again? Am I too petty to hope that she doesn't talk about her wedding to me? Hopefully she doesn't have the gaul to think she can ask me to be in her wedding party, because I don't even think I'd attend her wedding. Is it horrible of me to think I wouldn't even attend her wedding? I'm so confused now about how I feel and whether or not I should even be talking to her again. Everyone is so brutally honest on here I figured it'd be perfect to post. Let me know what you all think.
Posted by csozio[/QUOTE]

First of all, it's "Maids of Honor," not "Maid of Honors." 2 maids, not 2 honors. See? Also, "gall," not "gaul."


Now that that's out of the way - you've either forgiven her or you haven't. And it sounds like you haven't. Which is fine, but don't be deluded about it.

AuntFlo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-petty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ca59dd21-1fee-4ae6-bd70-e4915bab707dPost:e72c2a4c-6d98-420b-bfe1-0509206c34cb">Re: Am I Too Petty?</a>:
[QUOTE]I read the subject line as "Am I Too Pretty" so I spent the entire post looking for when you would speculate that people hate you because you are beautiful.  So disappointed... :( Posted by zsazsa-stl[/QUOTE]

^^^this^^^^

tawillers

You were cool with getting together until you learned she had a FI?  You two were made to be BFFs.  Neither of you can stand it when the other one isn't miserable.

dharmabunny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-petty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ca59dd21-1fee-4ae6-bd70-e4915bab707dPost:727dc8d1-6eb6-41df-84eb-0f7457d2b5b7">Re: Am I Too Petty?</a>:
[QUOTE]you've either forgiven her or you haven't. And it sounds like you haven't. Which is fine, but don't be deluded about it.
Posted by DG1[/QUOTE]

Pretty much it.  You're certainly not planning to bury this hatchet just yet (or if ever)

csozio

LOL. I think you are a bit biased since you read the title wrong.

Most of her "stuff" was the fact that she was mad she was single and all depressed about it. I didn't say I was completely self absorbed. I had my moments, and don't say everyone doesn't because that's just ridiculous. No one is perfect all the time. I admitted my fault so don't jump on it like I'm some horrible selfish person. I was also in a wedding party for a friend who was getting married a few months after me. So there is no pretty princess bride crown still on, that came and went and is done and much has happened since.

My point is, she was my best friend and decided to just stop talking to me and miss my wedding that she was supposed to be in because she was mad she was single. She didn't talk to me for a year and a half. And I didn't mention that when she stopped talking to me I repeatedly tried talking to her to figure out what the hell was going on and that I didn't want to fight with her again and stop speaking and YEA especially with my wedding day coming up, don't act like it isn't an important event. And not just mine, everyone's is an important event. It was all to no avail, she wouldn't speak to me at all.

So what I'm getting from your post, despite the unfounded remarks about my character, is that you think I should completely forgive everything like it never happened and be totally excited for her and her wedding?

csozio

Yea thanks for the English lesson.

Anyway, some of you are missing the point. I'm not mad she is engaged and I am not mad that she's happy, that is just ridiculous. We were like sisters once and I miss her friendship. It's just awkward timing when we are trying to get our footing after what happened and not speaking for so long. I just don't know how to handle how much to be involved if it is put out there. No I'm not completely over it, I did say forgive not forget. How can you forget something like that?

BTW I've noticed that some of you are the same people who post on others questions and rip them apart and ridicule for no reason. Do you have anything better to do? People are just on here looking for advice. Not for a character evaluation from someone who has nothing better to do than sit in front of their computer screen all day trying to make people feel bad about themselves. So spare me the comebacks and snarky comments, because you don't affect me. I'm not that insecure.

zsazsa-stl

You can either forgive and try to be her friend again or you can go to dinner and smile and silently hate her and want to get back at her.  Which do you think is the healthier response?

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-petty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ca59dd21-1fee-4ae6-bd70-e4915bab707dPost:149e0d90-ecd6-447e-be7e-cd74966afaf2">Re: Am I Too Petty?</a>:
[QUOTE]You can either forgive and try to be her friend again or you can go to dinner and smile and silently hate her and want to get back at her.  Which do you think is the healthier response?
Posted by zsazsa-stl[/QUOTE]


Or do neither. You could NOT go to dinner with her at all if you aren't ready to be a fully supportive friend.

And, fwiw, I did read the title correctly.

AND, since you seem to know we give pretty straightforward advice around here, why are you surprised with what you got?  You know how it is when the answers aren't pretty or what you want - it means you're wrong and don't want to admit it. (Trust me. I've been on the "you're wrong" side of that plenty of times around here.)

TheDuckis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-petty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ca59dd21-1fee-4ae6-bd70-e4915bab707dPost:72054bfc-30cd-4224-a02a-35d311a64d91">Re: Am I Too Petty?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yea thanks for the English lesson. Anyway, some of you are missing the point. I'm not mad she is engaged and I am not mad that she's happy, that is just ridiculous. We were like sisters once and I miss her friendship. It's just awkward timing when we are trying to get our footing after what happened and not speaking for so long. I just don't know how to handle how much to be involved if it is put out there. No I'm not completely over it, I did say forgive not forget. How can you forget something like that? BTW I've noticed that some of you are the same people who post on others questions and rip them apart and ridicule for no reason. Do you have anything better to do? People are just on here looking for advice. Not for a character evaluation from someone who has nothing better to do than sit in front of their computer screen all day trying to make people feel bad about themselves. So spare me the comebacks and snarky comments, because you don't affect me. I'm not that insecure.
Posted by csozio[/QUOTE]

You said you knew this board gave straightforward advice. Now you're saying we're snarky and just trying to make people feel bad. Pick one. And don't tell us you're not insecure when your OP and every one of your responses scream insecurity.

I get it. You're pissed because you think the only reason your friend got back in touch with you was because she's finally in a happy relationship of her own and she wants you to know it. Yeah, she probably will want to talk about her wedding at dinner, and that's perfectly normal. If you're not comfortable rekindling the friendship knowing those things, then cancel dinner. Or, suck it up and be an adult if the friendship is that important to you.

csozio

I never said anything about wanting to "get back at her." I think the loss of the friendship was felt by both sides. I know what sounds "healthier", I just don't know if I can bring myself or even try to. Without knowing more background I know that sounds petty. But the last time she stopped speaking to me was when my husband, then boyfriend, was deployed to Iraq. I just wanted to know if anyone would think I was I fool for even speaking to her again- because another of my friends thinks I'm an idiot for even bothering with her. It seems everyone on here just thinks I'm a jerk for not forgiving her immediately and completely. Maybe they're right, but maybe everyone here is too "life is hugs and rainbows". Lol, I guess there is no right answer, just how I feel as this goes on.

And DG1, I was referring to ZsaZsa's original post with that post. My problem was not with the answers, because honestly I don't know what I want to hear. I could be 100% wrong in several different ways. That's fine. It's when people make presumptions about the kind of person I am because of a few paragraphs about a situation in my life.

nicoleg1982

I don't think anyone thought you are a jerk for not forgiving her.  

TheDuckis

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You think we're too "life is hugs and rainbows?"

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-petty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ca59dd21-1fee-4ae6-bd70-e4915bab707dPost:e72c2a4c-6d98-420b-bfe1-0509206c34cb">Re: Am I Too Petty?</a>:
[QUOTE]I read the subject line as "Am I Too Pretty" so I spent the entire post looking for when you would speculate that people hate you because you are beautiful.  So disappointed... :(
Posted by zsazsa-stl[/QUOTE]
 i2i Zsa

"I feel petty, oh so petty..."  ;)

csozio

Oh Duckis, you were not included in the hugs and rainbows category. Certainly not. I don't know what OP means, but I don't see how anything screams insecurity. Just calling out the internet trolls who are not being very helpful. If you can dish it out you have to be able to take it. I'm sure I didn't affect their day either.

I AM insecure about this situation with my "friend", because I don't know what I want or expect from it. Also my nerves are shot. I'm sure after tonight I'll have an idea of what her intentions are and if I want to rekindle the friendship or not. I guess asking the opinion of strangers wasn't my best idea. I just wanted someone to agree with how I feel I guess since most of the people I know think I'm an idiot for talking to her again, and as much as I want to just do what I think is right I'm also thinking there's the possibility that they are right. I don't want to be made to feel like a fool either way and I guess there's no way to guarantee that.

Thanks all.

DG1

"It seems everyone on here just thinks I'm a jerk for not forgiving her immediately and completely."


I'm pretty sure not a single person said that.  think what we said was that it was perfectly fine not to forgive her, but do it or don't do it. What you *shouldn't* do is half-forgive her, or pretend you've forgiven her when you haven't.

In effect, it really doesn't matter what happened almost 2 years ago (did I do that math right? I'm not re-reading to figure that out.) What matters is that NOW you don't want to spend time with her, and you don't even want to try to figure out a way to spend time with her.  So don't.

csozio

"What you *shouldn't* do is half-forgive her, or pretend you've forgiven her when you haven't."

Good point DG, thank you.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]I'm not mad she is engaged and I am not mad that she's happy, [/QUOTE]

<div>Since you claim you were ready to forgive her until you found out about it, I'm going to go with yes, you are.  </div><div>
</div><div>If what she did was unforgiveable, then honestly tell her you don't think you can move past it and you need to go your separate ways.  But don't retract your "forgiveness" because she is happily engaged and excited for her upcoming wedding. "How dare she have the gall" is not the reaction of a friend to an engagement.</div><div>
</div><div>PS.  When I read that part of the post, I got a mental image of Asterix and Obelix running back and forth with fabric swatches, vendor pamphlets, and invitations.  I'm such a dork.</div>

rlavach

I know I'm not a regular on this board, but I figure I'll add my $0.2. I agree with PP in that it looks like you truly haven't forgiven her, which is fine. That's a decision you have to make. You can't forgive conditionally. I understand that you were willing to meet her to see what you can salvage of the friendship and are now afraid she might bring up her wedding. This is bothering you because you're not ready to be at that level of friendship yet. 

So if you go, how confident are you that if she asks you to be in her wedding, you won't have a meltdown. Do you feel that you can respond in a dignified manner without making a scene & getting hurt feelings again? If not, it may be best to not go and to let the emails continue. I'm sure the topic will eventually come up & you'll see where you stand in her mind. The last thing you want to do is go and then have a blowout. That would put you two back at square one. If you do go, think of a nice & polite, yet truthful, way to decline her offer to be in her wedding. Hey, she may not even bring it up & you're worrying for nothing!!

I hope it works out! 

csozio

No, no. I didn't forgive and then retract. We just started talking again, never did we say we were friends again and everything was dandy. We both agreed we'd keep in touch and see how it goes. When she suggested getting together I was unsure at first and then figured it couldn't hurt.

I was just made super uncomfortable by the situation with the added in fiance. It's one thing to try to meet and patch up a relationship, it's a whole other to see each other for the first time in a year and a half and bring your new fiance and act like everything is 100% fine. I don't think this is something that happens instantly, I think it would take time. I just feel like it's being rushed. Or that she thinks it wasn't as big a deal as it was to me. I guess I have only started forgiving her, or as DG said maybe I only forgave her halfway. (And it's not how dare she have the gall to get engaged, that's silly. It's her life, I don't presume to be a factor in that decision and would think it absurd if I was. I am just terrified that this is the first time we are seeing each other and that she might be under the impression we are like nothing happened and ask me to be in her wedding party. She doesn't have many close friends, or any female siblings, and she always said I'd be her maid of honor and I am just terrified of knowing how to react if she were under the delusion that we were on that level again suddenly. Which is probably not going to happen but I tend to overthink things as you all can probably see from this post.) Overall I am nervous and unsure, not angry. Though I can see by my choice of words how I seem angry.

That is an odd mental image...

csozio

Thank you rlavach! I think I am worrying for nothing, but I will have a non confrontational response prepared just in case! Thank you for your 2 cents!

NOLABridesmaid

I would think it would help to have the menfolk there to keep things light over dinner. Me thinks after a few drinks you would start purging about the past, and things would go south from there.

Not that this is a bad thing because I do love a good purge fest.

csozio

LOL I do assume that the purge will happen. It's how we've gotten over previous fights. The only problem is my husband is working the night shift. I'm on my own till midnight, if it lasts that long!

If there is a brawl I'll be sure to update everyone lol. J/K

MinM

1) she hasn't invited you to the wedding, so don't worry about that. It's wasted energy. 2) it's one meal. With two people. If that's too hard for you, don't go.

csozio

The second point is simplifying it too much. But you are definitely right on the first point.

meganyani

I'm not a regular either but wanted to chime in because I had a somewhat similar situation (that didn't involve a wedding). Friend stopped talking to me, was quite mean, tried to apologize, never really trusted her again, got back in touch. I did not invite her to our wedding. I doubt she is getting married but if she did invite me, I'd simply say "we'll see if it's possible to come..." and then just say it wasn't in the cards. Good thing you live apart at least.

So I'd go with that. Best way to avoid an awkward situation.l

MrsKigerToBe

The fight wasn't with her FI so I actually think you should tell her you want to meet for drinks just the two of you. I wouldn't want to go alone to meet with some stranger during a time that would be emotional for me. If she wants your friendship she should be willing to do that. If she wants to throw her happiness in your face or something odd like that she won't be willing to.