Wedding Woes

every brides biggest fear

my fiance' and i made the decision to call of the wedding. in casual conversation just discussing small doubts and big insecurities it bubbled over into an explosion of emotions. to be able to voice our true feelings is one thing we've always been able to do. once the shock fades away, and you realize a decision has actually been made, and it's not just your decision. do i fight for it? i keep askin myself, am i supposed to talk us out of this? is there enough re-assurance in me to assure you, me, that indeed it is the right thing to do. i think we all have ignored that little voice. i can't. in so many situations i've listened to it, and from what i can tell, it's always been the right direction for me to take.  it can be inconvenient, but i think if we had of listened earlier it would have been easier. in this case...better to listen now than 2 weeks before. when i really think about all the warnings it scares me that i very nearly ignored them. i didn't feel truely happy, neither did he. we didn't make each other happy. is it a choice to be happy?? or is it just supposed to happen?  i've always noticed those couples sitting at a restaurant or in a car in complete silence. not a word to say to each other, and everytime i do i think to myself, i never want to be that couple. i want it to be like im at dinner with my best friend, which it should be. why are they forcing it? lies, secrets, there not happy with each other, but they make it work because they find fulfillment in an affair? consuming themselves in work or activities? well it was forced ' look yay we are having fun'. warning sign . the sex became an obligation. ' oh i really should put out tonight,' not ' i can't wait to make love'. speaking of which. there never was that feeling of closeness, no passion in the kisses. if your saying, no just get yours im good, WARNING. 

if you find yourself listening to your other talk, but not actively listening i feel like thats a warning. i realize all relationships have issues, all relationships are work. but are you working so hard that ti's not fun? why are you working so hard to make something work that isn't? pride? probably. fear of being alone? yes. definitely anxiety over will i ever find a man that treats me as great as he does. but no matter how great he treats me, if the passion is not there, can you get it back? if so how? 

i don't think we are making a wrong decision, i feel a relief. 

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