Let's talk about my douchebag sister....

JodiAriel

So, my sister and I have never been close and because of that unfortunately I don't get to be too close to my niece who is 8. I love my niece and whenever my sister isn't looking she loves me.

I asked my sister if my niece could be a junior bridesmaid.  Her initial answer was "let me think about it".  About 2 weeks go by with no answer so we finally call her  and she says of course she can be in the wedding but that my niece has a lot of anxiety (this is a kid who performs in musicals) and that she wants to wait until as late as possible to tell my niece.  I said fine, whatever, but you have to order her dress by 2/1/11.  At this point she then told me that is fine but no empire waist dresses (my niece is a little chunky).  I told her that she will have two choices, the grown up version of the flower girl dress or the junior version of the BM dress.  She is lucky she has two choices none of the other girls did.

Anyway, she then says she doesnt want anyone to tell my niece.  I say ok, very few people in my family know exactly who is in my bridal party anyway so I will make sure those that do know don't tell her that she is in the wedding.  Then she says, no I don't want her to know you are getting married, so spread the word to the family to not discuss it when we are all together......

IS SHE OUT OF HER F-IN MIND??  I am 32, getting married for the first time.  I have been through an abusive relationship and a series of assholes.  I found myself 3 years ago in CoDA and found the guy of my dreams a year ago and I am marrying him.  I have every right to talk about it.  I'm sad enough as it is that I don't get to ask my niece to be in the wedding that I have to abide by her requests since she is her mother, but she doesn't get this... I get to talk about my wedding.  She went as far as calling my aunt who is hosting Thanksgiving to tell her to spread the word not to talk about it.

Thanksgiving will be the first time we will have seen the family since getting engaged so no one has seen my ring or anything.  I'm PISSED.  I have a future Mrs. shirt and I am so tempted to wear it to thanksgiving dinner just to spite her.  I have come to the realization that most likely she is going to pull my niece out of the wedding anyway so why not just do what I want.

ARRRGGHHH....

-WDC_Bride-

What are your expectations of this interaction with your niece?  Remember that she is a minor child and can't make decisions for herself.

1.  Do you want to forge some sort of relationship with your sister?
2.  Do you want to build a relationship with your niece?
3.  Are you trying to use your niece to build a relationship with your sister?

I'd say that unless the goal is #2, to give it up outright.  Unfortunately, she's a child and has very little agency, so you can't do a whole lot about how your sister handles things with her.

Don't expect adults to change.  Your sister has presumably been like this all her life; she won't change now.  If your niece isn't going to be in your wedding, so be it.  Don't sweat this.  The wedding is about you and your fiance getting married.  At the end of the reception, you'll be married no matter what.  I promise.

nannewmur

JodiAiel,

So sorry you have to deal with a damily member like this!!

Is your sister like an AW or constant drama queen?  Sounds like she can not stand if someone else gets any attention!!  My sister, who is 3 years older, is this way.  I got engaged my freshman year of college but we didn't get married for three years.  She could not stand it!  My ring was 2x the size of her's, I did not make a comparison of the two (in fact, I thought hers was prettier!!) and she looked at mine and said "Oh, how cute!!"  Her daughter was my flower girl so it is not like she had no involvement in my wedding.  My colors were lavendar and pink.  She bought an all black dress two days before my wedding and had my mom ask if I would mind her wearing an all black dress.  I just replied that she was the one who would get stared at and would probably be asked why she was wearing all black!

You just have to let it roll off.  However, unless you want to keep it a big secret, there is no way in the world I would not talk about getting engaged at such a major family event!!

Enchanted616

What reason does she give for not wanting your niece to know?  I don't get it.

MrsDPRea

I don't get it much, either.  But I'd plan on your niece not being in the wedding.  I'd discuss your engagement and wedding as you normally would. Don't let her hold your happiness hostage.

Sara_18

I don't get it. Does your sister have a reason why she doesn't want her daughter to know that you are getting married? 

Seems to me like you might need to let this one go. Make sure your sister knows you want her daughter to be involved, but don't count on it. Either your sis has a good reason or not - but she's not willing to play along. 

Assuming you aren't being bridezilla about all of the plans, you don't need to obey her wishes and not discuss your wedding. It's normal, it's a part of life and it's important to you. Talk about it like you normally would and don't censor yourself just because of your sister. 

JodiAriel

So here is the little bit of the back story.... she is 3 years younger then me and we have never gotten along.  She got pregnant at 20 and had my niece at 21.  When she was pregnant and first had the baby we tried harder to get along but it didn't happen.  My sister got pregnant almost the first time she had sex and has not had a relationship since.  She also does not have a lot of friends.  She focuses her whole life on my niece.  No one is allowed to spend any time with my niece unless my sister is supervising.  If you want to see her you need to come hang out with her at my sisters house.  The only exception is my mom.  Whenever my niece stays at my moms and I stop by my niece is desperate to play with me and hug me, etc.  She is not allowed to do these things in front of my sister.  My sister does not allow me to take pictures with her or even take her to do anything fun.  Her words are "I'm not going to let you play house with my daughter like you do with your friends kids".  I don't play house with my friends kids but I do have fun with them and take them places. My sister is very stuck up.... she has her masters in special education and is constantly throwing that in my face.  I dropped out of college but have a respected profession and make as money as her without a college degree.  I rent a place and she owns her place and is constantly bringing that up (She lives in a condo in the valley... I'm totally ok with not owning anything yet).  She has always disliked any guy I have brought around and has been flat out rude.

I have no delusions of becoming friends with her but was hoping that my wedding could be something really fun for my niece to be part of with me.  My sister can't say no to her taking pictures with  me when she is part of the wedding party.  And it is something she will remember for her whole life that I included her.  I am afraid she doesnt yet realize that it is not because of me that she doesn't have a relationship with me, that it is because of her mother.

It's is just so frustrating that she is trying to ruin what is supposed to be such a special time for me.  My family luckily is not going along with it but I know she is going to be really bitchy and have something constantly negative to say about every aspect of the wedding that is discussed in front of her.

JodiAriel

Oh and the reasoning she gave about not wanting my niece to know is that she claims my niece has a lot of anxieties (again this is a child who performs in musicals and a yearly dance show) and she doesnt want her to spend the next 6 months talking about the wedding and worrying about the wedding. 

She won't even let me ask my niece, she said she will tell her that she is in the wedding when they go to order the dress. 

To me it sounds like she just doesnt want to spend the next 6 months listening to my niece talk about something good that is happening to me! 

I knew that trying to include my niece would be difficult because of my sisters attitude but I never expected that she would try to dictate who can talk about the wedding and when. 

kayakrunhike

Your sister sounds like a control freak, a one-upper, and as a PP said, doesn't like others having the spotlight.  There is no way she can keep the discussion about your engagement quiet when no one else in the family has seen you two since it happened, or seen the ring yet.  Just tell your mom/aunt, etc, that you have no intention of allowing your sister to dictate what you can or can't do at Thanksgiving, if someone asks about it.  I don't think anyone but your sister really expects to not talk about it, to be honest. 

I'm sorry your relationship with your niece is so minimal.  I wouldn't plan on her being in the wedding, due to what you wrote about her mother.  I know that is difficult, but if that is what happens, I would at the very least make the effort to have some special pictures of the two of you taken on the day of the wedding by the photographer.    GL, and I'd be interested to hear what happens after Thanksgiving.  I hope you don't give in to your sister's dictatorship.

Sara_18

With the more information - it sounds like your sister is wearing crazy pants. 

That sucks for you, sucks for your relationship with you niece. 

But the truth is - at this age, your niece shouldn't realize that her mom is nuts. She's too young to understand that. I'm sure she'll figure it out in the next 5 years and then she'll really need your mom and you in her life. So just keep "being there" for her when you can. She may not have this wedding as a bright happy memory in her life, but you will probably keep her sane in her teen years. 

MotherBucker

Sounds like your sister is jealous. And a drama queen AW. Seems like she doesn't want the focus to be on you  or your wedidng. As far as not talking about your wedding with family, I would tell her to shove it.

Like someone said, I wouldn't count on your neice being in your wedding, which sucks.

elizb137

When your niece gets older, I'm sure she'll find out her mom is a bit nutso.

I agree with everyone...tell your sister you would love them to be a part of this, but that you can't really not talk about it, so if that bothers her, you won't be upset if niece isn't involved.

JodiAriel

So I called tonight and left her a message and told her we need to talk.  Now let's see if she calls me back.  I had a long talk with my aunt and my cousin tonight and apparently when my aunt tried to reason with my sister she said she just might not come to Thanksgiving which would be really sad for my niece cause my sister has no one else so she and my niece would be alone on Thanksgiving.  My cousin also said she is really upset because she has always had a really good relationship with my sister and now my sister was mad at her that she didn't call last time she was here and see her.  My cousin is 15, lives in NY (I live in CT) and is one of my BM.  She had taken the ferry in for an overnight to try on dresses.  Well she is coming again this weekend and is upset about what my sister is going to say when she finds out she came in to see me again.  My whole BM party (minus my niece of course) will be here to go dress shopping tomorrow.  My cousin, my MOH and I are going to my mom's in the AM to bring my dress there to store until the alterations and I am going to try it on for them since no one but my mom has seen it.  I just found out however that my niece is sleeping over at my moms tonight.  What am I supposed to do?  Change my plans?  Tell my niece behind my sisters back?  It's not like I can hide the giant wedding dress bag I will be walking in with and my niece is too inquisitive to not ask what is in it.  I am sick of this crap with my sister already and the wedding is still almost 6 mos away!

TheDuckis

I'm going to venture a guess that there's some crazy on both sides of this issue. Tell your sister if she doesn't want your niece to see your dress then she better pick her up before you get there. And then never mention your wedding to her again. Plan on not having your niece there. Done.