Not engaged, but almost! How do I tell my parents...?

surf&turfcouple

Hi all,

So, my bf and I have been talking about getting engaged for a while now, though I'm not sure when exactly (that's his job ) and we've even looked into rings and some other basic wedding planning.

Here's the rub, while his parents (both sets) are very alright with our plans and even know of them, my parents don't know at all.  They know we're dating and they aren't too keen on that so I can imagine how they'll be when they find out we're getting engaged.

If anyone had a difficult time telling their parents they were getting engaged, I'd love advice on how you managed it!  I know, with my parents, they don't feel I've lived enough life, at the wee age of 22, to really know what I want in a husband.  I know they'll make the "you're so young" argument and there will be the "he's not good enough for you" vibe going on too.

I want to tell them soon, so that when my bf asks for my hand, which is a tradition he and I think is very necessary, they won't be completely caught off guard.

It's difficult because I have a feeling that my parent will be disappointed and I hate disappointing them, but this isn't a decision they can make for me; I know who and what I want, at least, in my bf!

Any advice or helpful comments would be much appreciated.

[Deleted User]

Ha, even though I know my parents expected it was coming, H didn't ask my Father (which is an old outdated tradition IMO) and did it in front of both sets of parents. It was actually where our parents also met for the first time. Everything turned out just fine.

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_not-engaged-but-almost-tell-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d5bed85a-acc7-466e-ad20-98ba8c7a2510Post:9300676a-9d77-44b7-9cf4-e28af348352e">Not engaged, but almost! How do I tell my parents...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, So, my bf and I have been talking about getting engaged for a while now, though I'm not sure when exactly (that's his job :D) and we've even looked into rings and some other basic wedding planning. Here's the rub, while his parents (both sets) are very alright with our plans and even know of them, my parents don't know at all.  They know we're dating and they aren't too keen on that so I can imagine how they'll be when they find out we're getting engaged. If anyone had a difficult time telling their parents they were getting engaged, I'd love advice on how you managed it!  I know, with my parents, they don't feel I've lived enough life, at the wee age of 22, to really know what I want in a husband.  I know they'll make the "you're so young" argument and there will be the "he's not good enough for you" vibe going on too. I want to tell them soon, so that when my bf asks for my hand, which is a tradition he and I think is very necessary, they won't be completely caught off guard. It's difficult because I have a feeling that my parent will be disappointed and I hate disappointing them, but this isn't a decision they can make for me; I know who and what I want, at least, in my bf! Any advice or helpful comments would be much appreciated.
Posted by surf&turfcouple[/QUOTE]

Why do your parents feel he's 'not good enough' for you? Do they have specific reasons or examples?  Or is it a general thing?

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_not-engaged-but-almost-tell-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d5bed85a-acc7-466e-ad20-98ba8c7a2510Post:9300676a-9d77-44b7-9cf4-e28af348352e">Not engaged, but almost! How do I tell my parents...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, So, my bf and I have been talking about getting engaged for a while now, though I'm not sure when exactly (that's his job :D) and we've even looked into rings and some other basic wedding planning. Here's the rub, while his parents (both sets) are very alright with our plans and even know of them, my parents don't know at all.  They know we're dating and they aren't too keen on that so I can imagine how they'll be when they find out we're getting engaged. If anyone had a difficult time telling their parents they were getting engaged, I'd love advice on how you managed it!  I know, with my parents, they don't feel I've lived enough life, at the wee age of 22, to really know what I want in a husband.  I know they'll make the "you're so young" argument and there will be the "he's not good enough for you" vibe going on too. I want to tell them soon, so that when my bf asks for my hand, which is a tradition he and I think is very necessary, they won't be completely caught off guard. It's difficult because I have a feeling that my parent will be disappointed and I hate disappointing them, but this isn't a decision they can make for me; I know who and what I want, at least, in my bf! Any advice or helpful comments would be much appreciated.
Posted by surf&turfcouple[/QUOTE]
So little of this makes sense.

Very alright? 

And what does this mean?  <em>"while his parents (both sets) are very alright with our plans and even know of them"</em>  Isn't knowing of plans a prerequisite to being all right with them (let alone very alright)?

Your overuse of very as an adjective suggests that your parents may be right about you being too young, but now that you've said "very necessary" I am going to be singing Salt-n-Pepa songs all morning.  You say you're 22, so you'll probably have to look that up.

zitiqueen

If you're too scared to tell your parents of your engagement plans, they're 100% correct about you being too young and immature to handle marriage.

marissa_claire

Agreed with the PPs, when you do get engaged a lot of family issues come out of the woodworks.  I promise.  If you're not even sure you can tell them you're engaged, how are you going to deal with them on things like guest lists and planning for your future?

If I were your BF and wanted to marry you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I would understand your family to be baggage (not necessarily bad baggage) that comes with it.  I would want to try and smooth things over and make a better relationship so that they would think I'm worthy of their wonderful little girl.  Looking at my relationship with my FI's parents, I have always done my best to keep them happy and show them that I can handle their son.  I had a BF in high school, on the other hand, who had a very difficult mother that I never bothered to appease because I knew we weren't heading in that direction.  

I think you should maybe explain more about your parents concerns.  Are they just wackos or why do they think he isn't good enough?  

ReturnOfKuus

I'm creeped out by both the timing of the engagement being completely up to him and the necessity of asking your parents' permission, though if one accepts those two things as premises, it does make sense that you'd want to give your parents a hards-up.  They do need time to prepare the dowry, after all.

baconsmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_not-engaged-but-almost-tell-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d5bed85a-acc7-466e-ad20-98ba8c7a2510Post:9300676a-9d77-44b7-9cf4-e28af348352e">Not engaged, but almost! How do I tell my parents...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, So, my bf and I have been talking about getting engaged for a while now, though I'm not sure when exactly (that's his job :D) and we've even looked into rings and some other basic wedding planning. Here's the rub, while his parents (both sets) are very alright with our plans and even know of them, my parents don't know at all.  They know we're dating and they aren't too keen on that so I can imagine how they'll be when they find out we're getting engaged. If anyone had a difficult time telling their parents they were getting engaged, I'd love advice on how you managed it!  I know, with my parents, they don't feel I've lived enough life, at the wee age of 22, to really know what I want in a husband.  I know they'll make the "you're so young" argument and there will be the "he's not good enough for you" vibe going on too. I want to tell them soon, <strong>so that when my bf asks for my hand, which is a tradition he and I think is very necessary</strong>, they won't be completely caught off guard. It's difficult because I have a feeling that my parent will be disappointed and I hate disappointing them, but this isn't a decision they can make for me; I know who and what I want, at least, in my bf! Any advice or helpful comments would be much appreciated.
Posted by surf&turfcouple[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You can't have it both ways. Either you're an adult who makes her own choices, or you're some sort of possession of your parents that your boyfriend has to ask to have. If it's the latter, they have every right to say no. If it's the former, you tell them *when* you're engaged, and you don't listen to their naysaying. 

</div>

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_not-engaged-but-almost-tell-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d5bed85a-acc7-466e-ad20-98ba8c7a2510Post:763566e8-3c35-45dd-8c5c-4b94a91a39ab">Re: Not engaged, but almost! How do I tell my parents...?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm creeped out by both the timing of the engagement being completely up to him and the necessity of asking your parents' permission, though if one accepts those two things as premises, it does make sense that you'd want to give your parents a <strong>hards-up</strong>.  They do need time to prepare the dowry, after all.
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

<em>*snort*</em>

Where's your mind this morning, Kuus?

ReturnOfKuus

I am hoping for some action tonight...

InksWell

Ditto B-Mom.

I feel like you might have had very involved (helicopter) parents, and you need to ween yourself from their influence. If you want to get married you need to be able to tell them that you are making this decision for yourself like an adult, and you hope they can be happy for you.

That said, you are fairly young, and your parents may have valid reasons for protesting. I'd listen to what they have to say instead of discounting it on the whole. I remember telling my father "well you don't know him like IIIIIIII do!" about several boyfriends whom he disliked. He was right about every single one in the end. If you still feel like getting married is the right thing to do, your parents are more likely to respect your decision if you have heard them out.

Good Luck!

surf&turfcouple

Okay, firstly.  The "snark level" of a lot of replies is high, which I don't appreciate.

Secondly, I'm not writing a novel here, so if I happen to overuse "very" oh well, get over it.  Thanks.

Thirdly, I did get some useful advice from some of you, so thanks.

I guess you could say I have "people pleasing" issues which makes telling my parents certain things difficult because I love them, appreciate them and respect them so therefore, I don't want to disappoint them.

They've already said they'll be disappointed if this relationship turns into anything serious, so that's the boat I'm in.  It's complicated.

There are plenty of reasons for my parents to not want me to marry my bf, all of which are well founded as long as they're projecting their relationship onto mine.  There are a lot of similarities between my dad and my bf and between my mom and me, which they believe will cause a repeat of their crappy early marriage.  Seeing as they're still married and have had the strength to work through many of their issues, I'm still surprised they're so protective of me.  It's how they've always been.

gracenamwandi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_not-engaged-but-almost-tell-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d5bed85a-acc7-466e-ad20-98ba8c7a2510Post:c7e95215-26f6-4134-9ba9-8377fd5bc22f">Re: Not engaged, but almost! How do I tell my parents...?</a>:
[QUOTE]why do you have to tell them you are getting engaged? why not tell them when you're actually engaged? you know, when there is an engagement to tell them about?
Posted by Wifezzilla[/QUOTE]
I also think that would be best. I think then, they will have no choice but to respect your decision.