Divorced parents wont reconcile

scott.jessicae

I have been seeking advice for a while about how I can bring my hostile parents together when I get married.  There are no specific plans but it is important to my partner and his family to have a "real" wedding.  Honestly, I want my dad to give me away and my mom to be there for me but usually I think its best just to avoid the stress forcing my family together. 

I feel this must be common and it's strange there is so little advice out there.  Any ideas or solutions?

TheDuckis

What does your parents being together have to do with you and your FI having a "real wedding."

Ask your father to walk you down the aisle and dance with you at the reception. Ask your mother to go dress shopping with you and fuss over the girly stuff.

They don't have to sit next to each other. They don't have to be in pictures together. Trust them to be adults and either ignore each other or slap on smiles and get through it.

DG1

I think there's so little advice because there's not much you can do. You can't make people get along. You can't even make people TRY to get along. 

You can express your wishes and then they and only they get to decide whether they will put aside their differences to accommodate those wishes.

And really, if your fiance's family holds this against you, then they are stupid and you can expect a lifetime of being blamed for things completely outside of your control.

I hope your parents will put aside their differences for your wedding. But if they don't, please remember that it's still a "real" wedding, and the only one you'll ever have. So enjoy it!

phoeny_moonstar

If you force them to try and reconsile you are going to have to deal with a lot of drama. Let them be p!ssy at each other. Have dad walk you down the aisle and dance with him. Have mom go shopping with you and cry into her handkerchief cause her little girl is getting married.

VarunaTT

Have you talked to your parents at all about this?  I truly can't imagine two parents not being able to set aside their differences for their daughter for one day to be at her wedding.

Talk to them.  Ask them about any concerns they have.  Put them at separate tables, keep them on opposite sides for family pictures, etc.  Make it known you want them both there, both comfortable, and what will that take.  Accomadate within reason and put your foot down with anything that's not unreasonable (i.e. I don't want to be in pictures with him/her.  That's unreasonable).

GBCK

You need to be a bit realistic...
and your post title implies you're not.You don't want/need them to RECONCILE--reconciling implies that they have to like each other.

You want/need them to be adults who aren't dofuses.
So...at this point, you don't force them to be together, you let them know you expect them to be in the same room and act like adults and not make a scene.  You expect chilly politeness.  You expect them to be the sort of adults they've raised you to be.

Is there a reason you don't think they are capable of acting like grown-ups?

scott.jessicae

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. 

My parents have handled ceremonies really poorly in the past- for example graduations.  I love them both bt they can be so self centered. There are issues where they have been in and out of court and custody battles over a younger sibling and all kinds of other drama. Dad's remarried and mom is single- alot of bitterness.  Long story short - I do have strong reason to believe they wouldn't recognize a wedding is about us and not them.

I really do appreciate the advice though.  One thought I had was to simply have a civil ceremony with one or two witneses and then allow our separate families to celebrate how they want with their own parties.  The only problem is I want to bring our families togather- it just seems impossible when you cant bring your own together.

TheDuckis

If you have reason to believe they can't be civil with each other, then you need to sit down with each of them and let them know what's expected. Then tell them in no uncertain terms that if they cause a scene they will be escorted from the event and they will be the ones looking foolish.

On the other hand, I get the feeling that your FI's family is putting unreasonable pressure on you to have a nice happy nuclear family. You may want to have your FI talk to them in order to manage expectations.