let's just get this terrible b plot out of the way: tina yothers needs to keep her sag benefits, so her "plot" is about her philosophy class (really? in suburban ohio high schools?) and soren kierkegaard. steven decides this episode that he will do some actual parenting and engages her in discussion. she is well-schooled (whether it's accurate, i cannot say because i did not take philosophy classes in college -- which is where they are normally taught, family ties writers) and steven, in a fit of frustration over existentialism, sends jennifer to her room. oh my sides.
by the way, i cannot remember andy being in this episode, so let's just assume that he was off unsupervised somewhere.
the a plot is that lauren's ex-boyfriend is coming to town and wants to see her. first, let's talk about how this came about: lauren is kindly helping the keatons with the groceries. the phone rings, and it's for lauren. can i just say -- thank God the phone rang, because otherwise she would have to ... GO INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S REFRIGERATOR (am i right, zsa?).
of course, alex is all "who was that?" and lauren kindly explains that eric is in town and he wants to get together for dinner. alex tries not to freak out but really, there's a little pee running down his colours by alexander julian pants (did you guys know that his clothing was sponsored? and do you remember when colours by alexander julian was a thing? btw, this show would be much different if "colors" the movie had done alex's clothes. do you think he would have been a blood, a crip or in one of the mexican gangs? maybe we'll do a poll later).
alex, because he is tres classy, starts making lists about why he is awesome and why lauren loooves him. he can't come up with enough things, so he starts badgering his family. steven gamely tries to take a crack at it, and then unfolds the paper to see the other half of the list: why eric is awesome. both steven and elyse shake their heads and tell him that it doesn't matter because lauren loves him and not eric. but because he doesn't respect them, alex does not listen and continues to work on his list.
okay, so because elyse and steven are bad parents and didn't teach things like boundaries and having self-respect, alex is "hanging out" at lauren's tiny apartment before her dinner out with eric. he is super awesome because he also criticizes her clothes, all "you're wearing that?" (i also said that, but it's because she's wearing the big button sweater from the limited and some black stirrup pants.) he also asks question about where they are going and what time she will be back and is generally being a controlling douche, but it's okay because he's just knocking some sense into her.
the doorbell rings, and it's eric. YO IT'S CAMPBELL SCOTT. okay, so here we take a little detour and talk about hmo's young crush on campbell scott. y'all, i loved this man. i even cheered for him when he tried to kidnap emma thompson in "dead again" and was all "ooh, he's strong" when he kicked kenneth branaugh in the chest. i was so sad when he was dying in "dying young" and julia roberts and her giant eyebrows was helping him with his chemo barfing. oh, and singles! yes, he totally should have been there for kyra sedgwick and i was so sad about the lost phone message -- they should have been together all along. so then he got old and hmo lost interest because he started getting into more obscure arty movies (spanish prisoner and big night) and those were only released in little arty movie houses and i wanted to hang with my friends and watch more miantream movies with more stuff blowing up and less talking and we just drifted apart, i guess. sad.
here, campbell scott is dressed as a ny banker, which means slick hair and a double-breasted suit, which is really overwhelming to his tall, skinny frame. i guess colours by alexander julian didn't want to dress him. he drives a porsche, which is mentioned several times in the episode. somehow, a porsche is a bfd but the local high school offering philosophy classes is just something that is accepted without comment. i swear, it's almost like this show isn't grounded in reality.
lauren steps out for a minute, and campbell scott and alex size each other up. oh my gosh, you guys -- you won't believe the hilarious thing that happens next: they each produce resumes and then read them aloud to each other, which i guess is something you did in the days before careerbuilder and indeed. lauren and campbell scott leave on their date and alex goes home to cry.
alex is pacing around the kitchen, and he calls lauren's roommate (who is never seen so i call bs on the next scene) and the restaurant, and find out that lauren is not home and they left the restaurant hours ago. clearly, they are 50 shades of greying each other ... in a porsche, which would really be painful because it's cramped in there (that's what she said).
alex goes to lauren's apt and sneaks into bed. TWIST -- it's campbell scott. campbell scott's car broke down (buy american, everybody!) and he didn't have a place to spend the night, so lauren offered her place and she is sleeping down the hall. i guess there are no hotels at all in columbus or campbell scott doesn't have any other friends other than lauren. i mean, what was his plan, anyway? was he supposed to catch a flight back to ny and he missed it because of car trouble? i hope he dealt with re-booking before he went to bed. this kind of lack of follow-through is worrisome, you guys. he's a banker, and while i would gladly let him touch my body, he's not laying a finger on my money.
campbell scott tells alex that lauren would not stfu about him and although he planned to woo her back, it just wasn't happening. lauren then appears (it's not like they were being loud, so i think she was going to get her 50 shades on), accuses alex of not trusting her, tells him she's mad, and then she leaves. you guys -- courtney cox is a really bad actress in this. i'm glad she got better through ten years of practicing on "friends." otherwise, i am not sure what she would have done for a living -- selling real estate in marin county or something?
alex goes home, and lauren shows up in the kitchen, and they make up. BO-RING. oh, and there is ridiculous singing of harry belafonte's "banana boat" song. it's .... so bad.
btw, "family ties" is being shown on a christian channel here. i find that hilarious because of, you know, all the SEX JOKES. and hey -- look at that! there weren't any in this episode! maybe they will only show the sex joke-free episodes. i can only hope.
there were also no dead babies, but after hearing courtney cox sing the "banana boat" song, i wanted to kill something.
