Guestlist 50/50??

aacc

Hello!
How are you dealing with big family vs. small family?

I have a large family - 28 aunts/uncles - and my fiance has 12 aunts/uncles.
Our parents completed a guestlist draft and we ended up with 74 on my side (with GREAT restraint lol - mostly only aunts/uncles) and 70 on his side (which includes cousins, parents' cousins, other family).  Not too bad, right?  Oh, this includes a few of our friends.

Well, we are having a destination wedding and after going through the lists, we guessed how many people would actually come.  (Of course, this is dangerous and we are financially preparing for everybody, but we are just curious - we haven't asked anybody for responses or anything)

As it turns out, my family came up with 58 and his with 38 that may attend.  Now, people are upset because of the imbalance and think my family needs to cut people to reach 50/50. 

Also, his family wants to invite more people now.  Well, if you wanted to invite more people, why weren't they on the draft guestlist?

Should the guestlist be 50/50?
Was yours 50/50?  If not, how did you get through the drama?
Are there etiquette guidelines on who in the family gets priority - like uncles/aunts before parents' cousins or family friends, etc?

I know my fiance and I should do as we please, but I am interested in how you resolved the problem.  BTW, my fiance said it should be 50/50 - I disagree.  It shouldn't be totally unbalanced, but my fiance and I gave each family the opportunity to invite those they deemed necessary - and remember, the original guestlist was 74 vs 70 - only when evaluating who is able to attend the destination wedding is there drama.

THANK YOU

aacc

Hello!
How are you dealing with big family vs. small family?

I have a large family - 28 aunts/uncles - and my fiance has 12 aunts/uncles.
Our parents completed a guestlist draft and we ended up with 74 on my side (with GREAT restraint lol - mostly only aunts/uncles) and 70 on his side (which includes cousins, parents' cousins, other family).  Not too bad, right?  Oh, this includes a few of our friends.

Well, we are having a destination wedding and after going through the lists, we guessed how many people would actually come.  (Of course, this is dangerous and we are financially preparing for everybody, but we are just curious - we haven't asked anybody for responses or anything)

As it turns out, my family came up with 58 and his with 38 that may attend.  Now, people are upset because of the imbalance and think my family needs to cut people to reach 50/50. 

Also, his family wants to invite more people now.  Well, if you wanted to invite more people, why weren't they on the draft guestlist?

Should the guestlist be 50/50?
Was yours 50/50?  If not, how did you get through the drama?
Are there etiquette guidelines on who in the family gets priority - like uncles/aunts before parents' cousins or family friends, etc?

I know my fiance and I should do as we please, but I am interested in how you resolved the problem.  BTW, my fiance said it should be 50/50 - I disagree.  It shouldn't be totally unbalanced, but my fiance and I gave each family the opportunity to invite those they deemed necessary - and remember, the original guestlist was 74 vs 70 - only when evaluating who is able to attend the destination wedding is there drama.

THANK YOU

Butter Cookie

Nope. He'll have more and we're both happy with that. It's not as if he told me people I want can't come so that people he wants can. If that's an issue then yes, you need to discuss it, but otherwise leave other people's opinions out of your wedding planning.

aacc

Well, it wasn't an issue with my fiance until his family started up.

Butter Cookie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_guestlist-5050?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d92722aa-4691-4ae5-bf12-558cb62f7602Post:580b3cbd-7051-4740-9584-eff3794d995a">Re: Guestlist 50/50??</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, it wasn't an issue with my fiance until his family started up.
Posted by aacc[/QUOTE]


Yea, your fiance needs to squash the BUT IT'S UNFAIRZ!! now. He just needs to say, "It's not up for discussion."

loveshine1

It's never going to be even.

DH has a far bigger family than I do. He had more people there than I did. It wasn't that big of a deal the day of.

GBCK

so, if you were inviting, say, 10 people to your wedding (juts for the sake of argument)...
and you have 7 siblings and he has 2...
you'd be expected to pick which of your siblings/siblings in-law you should leave off and he'd be able to invite 3 random strangers?

Yeah, people who argue for 50/50 are being kinda rediculous.
Now, you can go to far the other way, but, it's about inviting hte people you want, not evening out sides.

GBCK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_guestlist-5050?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d92722aa-4691-4ae5-bf12-558cb62f7602Post:580b3cbd-7051-4740-9584-eff3794d995a">Re: Guestlist 50/50??</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, it wasn't an issue with my fiance until his family started up.
Posted by aacc[/QUOTE]

Re this...
he needs to know NOW to have balls/spine w/ these people.  It's good traiing for the rest of your married life :-P

MinM

I don't think anyone counted our wedding guests to make sure everything was 50/50. Nothing in life is ever going to be perfectly even - so you need to let that go now.

How are you counting mutual friends?

Heffalump

I certainly wouldn't base any guest list decisions off of a guess as to who will come.  He needs to tell his family tough isht, the list is the list. 

aacc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_guestlist-5050?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d92722aa-4691-4ae5-bf12-558cb62f7602Post:0da205e7-5ad3-45a2-bf52-f358f0b71ae6">Re: Guestlist 50/50??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guestlist 50/50?? : Re this... he needs to know NOW to have balls/spine w/ these people.  It's good traiing for the rest of your married life :-P
Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]

LOL that's what I'm sayin!
He's usually great at it, but this time he blew it. lol

Paulo's Menina Bela

My family outnumbered my husband's by 20. My 32 to his 12. His family is small to start, and some live in other countries.

It's silly to expect your family to make sacrifices because of his family circumstances that are beyond their control or concern.

awesome-sauce

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_guestlist-5050?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d92722aa-4691-4ae5-bf12-558cb62f7602Post:6b9cfc59-33c4-4e2f-ac10-bef5424ea671">Guestlist 50/50??</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello! How are you dealing with big family vs. small family? I have a large family - 28 aunts/uncles - and my fiance has 12 aunts/uncles. Our parents completed a guestlist draft and we ended up with 74 on my side (with GREAT restraint lol - mostly only aunts/uncles) and 70 on his side (which includes cousins, parents' cousins, other family).  Not too bad, right?  Oh, this includes  a few  of our friends. Well, we are having a destination wedding and after going through the lists, <strong>we <u>guessed</u> how many people would actually come.</strong>  (Of course, this is dangerous and we are financially preparing for everybody, but we are just curious - we haven't asked anybody for responses or anything) As it turns out, my family came up with 58 and his with 38 that may attend.  Now, people are upset because of the imbalance and think my family needs to cut people to reach 50/50.  Also, his family wants to invite more people now.  Well, if you wanted to invite more people, why weren't they on the draft guestlist? Should the guestlist be 50/50? Was yours 50/50?  If not, how did you get through the drama? Are there etiquette guidelines on who in the family gets priority - like uncles/aunts before parents' cousins or family friends, etc? I know my fiance and I should do as we please, but I am interested in how you resolved the problem.  BTW, my fiance said it should be 50/50 - I disagree.  It shouldn't be totally unbalanced, but my fiance and I gave each family the opportunity to invite those they deemed necessary - and remember, the original guestlist was 74 vs 70 - only when evaluating who is able to attend the destination wedding is there drama. THANK YOU
Posted by aacc[/QUOTE]

I agree with PP's. Just wanted to add that this is based off of a GUESS. What if the list is changed to be even stevens and then the guess is wrong?

Calumet

#1 mine wasn't 50/50... No big deal

#2 No one should say that the final RSVPs need to be 50/50, how on earth could you/would you plan on that? You're invites are practically perfect. If his side doesn't RSVP yes, they don't get bonus invites... that's just odd

JHS16

If you want to be fair, instead of going by number, go by degree of family.  Thus, you can each invite all aunts/uncles, first cousins, etc., no matter how many that may be.  That's also fair.  

mags0607

Our invite list is split 85/15% in my favor. i have a huge family, he has a ridiculously small one. So, we both have everyone we wanted, and are going to celebrate with those that get to come. There is no way you can ensure 50/50 attendance, that is crazy.

brokel01

My fiance and I did not split the list 50/50.  My family is huge, and his is small.  All family was invited and as for friends and co-workers, we invited about the same number each.  Yes, the list tipped towards my side, and at one point his mom suggested sending out a 2nd wave of invites to more of his family friends...but we both agreed that we should stick to the original guest list.  We didn't want anyone to feel less important because they were in the 2nd wave. 

chuygrl77

I agree with everyone else, there is no way any guest list will be 50/50 if you invite the people who you want.  You can try and trim it but you may hurt feelings in the process.  I agree with JHS, do it by degree of seperation.  Aunts/Uncles, First cousins, brothers, sisters, etc.  We are having a private ceremony and are only including siblings, aunts/uncles, first cousins, and any mutual friends we may have who are really close and his list is 90 and mine is 78...in the end, whoever shows up will determine the split and we have no control over that.  It's your wedding, so make sure to take a stand on this. 

Butter Cookie

You should do 50/50 with weight, biggest loser style.

If it gets down to a couple of pounds you can ask people to take off shoes, etc.

aacc

THANK YOU ALL.
Your input really helps!