A topic for debate

ReturnOfKuus

You know normally I don't think the breakup of long-term relationships (married or no) is a terrible thing that must be remedied, but I see things like this thread too often, and it makes me take pause.  On the Nest:

S/O Why do women marry men like this...

I am not defending her husband but I would have a problem if my husband changed his appearance drastically or refused to have sex. Gaining weight and refusing to be active would be a problem because his appearance, sex, and doing active things with him is part of our bond. I think making major changes to your body is just as hurtful to a relationship as making major changes to your personality.

 

If you are married you vowed to stay and love regardless of ups and downs, but realistically, I want my husband to still be the man I married. Now, presumably they had a discussion about having a baby before she got pregnant, so he knew pregnancy would change her body. He may be just encouraging her to be healthy so she has a safe pregnancy. As long as you arent being a douche about it, asking your partner to not let themselves go is not an unreasonable request in my opinion.

 

 

Do you think the commonly less-than-a-lifetime shelf life of love has something to do with this notion, that despite age and life and time inevitably changing everyone, they're required to stay exactly the same for love to survive?  Do you think that maybe the frantic need to make something that is by nature transient (who you and others are at this moment) into something permanent stifles both people in a marriage so that they can't grow, and they both resent each other for that stifling and are unwilling to constantly get to know a "new" spouse so that the love just dies?  Am I making sense?

baconsmom

I was just over there, reading this.

I think some people are just really, really shallow. I don't think this is a new thing, but I do think that with the rise of "health" as not only religion, but a medieval religion wherein we are able to see how virtuous someone is by their outward appearance, this will only become even more common. 

I also think that sitting around feeling slighted that your partner has changed, instead of perhaps trying to discern if there's a more serious problem or accounting for time or working to keep up the lifestyle you may have had in years previous is stupid and selfish. Why sit around complaining when you can fix what you perceive as a problem? 

ETA: Also, I am not the same person my husband married. He's not the same man. We keep growing and changing and becoming new people. I'd hate it if he just stayed the same, never learning anything new, never exploring himself or growing as a partner and a parent. Life changes. We don't get to stay married to the person we met at the altar, because we're not the person who walked up there. 

NOLABridesmaid

You know, I do believe that you should love a person as they age, gain weight or if some major life changing event happens.

However, i heard once that you should still make an effort like you did when you were dating. It doesn't mean you're always going to be able to look fly all the time, but you still value looking nice for yourself and your spouse.

I do know men and women that let it ALL go once they get married after a few years. I can understand maybe not being as attracted to the person like you once were, if they say gained 100 lbs or decided to get 25 tattoos.

Yes, you still love them, but you might not be attracted to them anymore. Is this a dealbreaker? I think it depends on the person.

ReturnOfKuus

You all know this is something I struggled with, feeling like I could change and grow and explore the possibilities of who I am and could be while still being loved by someone else.

GBCK

ya'll make good points, there's a blogpost I want to link here once I find it...

NOLABridesmaid

:pushes up glasses:

Kuus, I don't think I knew this. Explore, like going on What Not to Wear, and throwing away the clothes with holes or something deeper?

Butter Cookie

I think there are legitimate reasons to leave your spouse, but "he put on 50 lbs/got a tattoo of Prince covered in maple syrup on his ass" isn't anywhere in there. I think it's unfair to expect the person you marry not to change physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc

ReturnOfKuus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_topic-debate-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f76d573b-6b5f-4bf6-91c9-0848c8dc6de2Post:827a0582-c34c-4f12-b88e-82c9d1f8a5b3">Re: A topic for debate</a>:
[QUOTE]:pushes up glasses: Kuus, I don't think I knew this. Explore, like going on What Not to Wear, and throwing away the clothes with holes or something deeper?
Posted by NOLABridesmaid[/QUOTE]


HA!

No, explore, like, do I still feel the same way about important life issues that I did when we met?  Am I allowed to change my mind about political opinions even if that means I'll have eliminated something we had in common?  That sort of thing.  You remember when we broke up for a while, that was the kind of thing I was struggling with.

GBCK

found it.
This is an oldie by Violent Acres--whose views on weight are vitrolic and obnoxious...but who always is worth reading, IMO...

http://www.violentacres.com/archives/210/what-to-do-about-a-fat-spouse/

baconsmom

I've actually read that one before. 

Also, I wonder how much of my opinion on this is informed by having been fat when I met H, and though I've gained weight, I've also developed more of an interest in fashion and have accepted myself instead of harping on how ugly I am all the time. He left a girl with an eating disorder for me, and he was relieved when I found FA and started liking myself more. 

I guess I wonder if the weight is the majority of the issue, or is the spouse tired of being with someone who hates him/herself for it? But then that goes back to fixing the problem, instead of bitching about it endlessly and looking like a douche. 

NOLABridesmaid

Yes, I  think people do over time reshape their opinions on different topics.

Maybe, you're overthinking it.

dharmabunny

This reminds me a lot of makeover shows where someone is wearing really, really dated fashions that's really out of sorts for the time and the type of person wearing it.  They tend to wear the clothing that was reminiscent of the time they felt the best about themselves (whenever that was).  It's like living life in snapshots.  Not coincidentally, the snapshots that are most often saved are of the happy positive moments.  Living dynamically is just too hard to figure out.

So does a changing spouse seem like yet a more painful reminder of this sort of thinking?  Only a reminder that talks back, farts in the bed and spends $300 on a Star Trek or SATC DVD box set?

ReturnOfKuus

There is nothing wrong with spending $300 on a Star Trek boxed set!

DG1

A few years ago, my mom told my dad, "You need to be married to someone who drinks and smokes." 

His reply?  "I was!"

Because yeah, my mom drank and smoke in her 20s. She quit when my brother was 2 (didn't smoke during the pregnancies but always went back). She also had a bachelor's degree in home ec when they got married. Over time, she got a 2nd bachelor's in education, then a master's and Ph.D. She changed. A lot. 

I'm sure he changed some, too, but not in such obvious ways.


I read once that many marriages fail because men go into them thinking their wife won't change (stay thin and beautiful and always eager to give BJs), and women go into them thinking their husband will (stop phliandering, suddenly be more into them because of the ring).

Gross gender generalizations aside, I think this is largely true, and something we see on the nest a lot. 

I think there *are* dealbreaker changes, like a pair of atheists where one goes fundie. Or severe mental or emotional issues for which the afflicted person refuses to get treatment. 

But physical changes alone? Not so much.  But I know if DH went out and gained 100 pounds and started getting tattoos all over (vs. being the boy scout that he currently is), there woudl be some other fundamental change that would be the root issue, not the tattoos themselves, you know?

GBCK

I think change is inveitable and important.

Hell, the Mr. changed thekids thing on us once...that was as close to a dealbreaker as we've come.

That made me have to grapple w/ the change/stay the same questoin more than anything else